Just blogging

Birthday week & moments of depression

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Some of my friends take their birthdays very seriously. They throw amazing parties and even dedicate the entire week to it.

To me however, my birthday has not that much importance. I played with the thought to have a huge party this year, but I don’t feel like it any more. My week has been pretty mundane so far as well.

I have no idea why I don’t care about my birthday. Maybe it’s because I think that being brought to this world involuntarily isn’t an accomplishment that deserves being celebrated. Neither is slowly approaching death.

Though I do get mad when friends or people who should remember my birthday don’t. So in some sort, I’m denying my own existence but am pissed if others don’t acknowledge it.

There was a period where my situation was a little different from now, though not too much. It w a time where I quite often had thoughts like “If I’m still around next year..” and so I felt that each year living would be something I could be proud of.

Now I’m more like “whatever”. The latent suicidal thoughts have significantly decreased, which is good, I guess, but there are still days where I feel that simply existing is just incredibly hard. And what for anyway?

“What motivates you to get up in the morning?” You’ve probably come across this question at some point in your life. Can you answer it? If yes, what would your answer be? I really thought about it many times and I still have nothing. Probably because I haven’t found anything I’m truly (or even remotely) passionate about. I thought of testing a bunch of new activities, trying something different every week. Maybe in this way, I’ll find something that I enjoy so much that it can become a passion.

Speaking of motivation, I know that I have to change my shitty mindset. So I’m currently trying meditation and I also read a bunch of articles. And no kidding, every time there’s a line like “Make a difference” or something, I’m literally thinking “What for, we’re all going to die anyways”.

Sometimes, I really admire religious people. They seem to have a reason to exist and maybe their beliefs give them some extra strength. But then, religion is such an abstract thing to me, it just wouldn’t work.

Counselling has worked for me, so that’s back on. As for my bday, I’m not really doing anything. But I know that my mom has planned something, so I’m sure that’ll be fun.

 

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Just blogging

How much is too much?

When I think of possible topics to write about, I automatically think of how much I actually want to share. How much information is too much?

I thought about some of my previous blog posts and deleted two of them. I also deleted my blog-related Facebook page. Not because I was ashamed of anything I wrote earlier, but because I’m not sure if I want all of my friends, family, or in the worst case my employer know EVERYTHING. Somehow, I find it much easier to expose my personal life to an anonymous crowd rather than people I see on a daily basis.

My biggest fear is that people misjudge me or take things I say too seriously, forgetting that everything I write is nothing more than my point of view, which, of course, cannot be applied to everyone or all kinds of circumstances. And I hate tiptoeing around topics. As much as I love how woke people are today, the all time political correctness can be such a pain if you’re trying to express something in writing, especially if you want it to say in the same way you would in a conversation.

But whatever (subtle transition), I feel like this time I’m going to try not to think too much about how my posts will be received and care more about authenticity instead. Not that my previous blogposts have been fake, but I sometimes felt like I’ve held back a lot. In the end, if any of my babbling is inspiring to anyone, or if it makes someone feel a little less alone, then that’s all that matters. And so that’s the ultimate goal here.

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Just blogging

Why blogging?

It’s March and I’m realizing that I did not stick to my resolution of writing more often, at all.

One reason (or let’s be real: one excuse) is that these past couple of weeks have kept me busy with work, my studies and seeing my friends. I also wanted to keep some lazy time for myself where I just do nothing. I honestly don’t know how others manage to be productive at all times and I totally admire that. But where do they take all this energy from? I kind of need my lazy days that I spend watching The Bachelor or KUWTK. (Btw, who else is obsessed with these shows?)

The second thing that has kept me from writing is that I’m just overthinking. So instead of just getting stuff done, I’m thinking about the “Why?”. Like why would anyone give a shit about what I have to say? It’s for this exact same reason that I’m not super active with my insta stories. Even though I love watching other people talking about their day, what they had for lunch, what cute little shop they discovered, or what their cat did, I feel like it would make no sense for me because my life is pretty boring. I also don’t have a cat. And the times I spend with my friends are fun, but not exactly IG material.

And then of course I see all these other amazing blogs already existing, which is awesome, but also quite intimidating. Besides, I wouldn’t exactly identify as a fashion blogger, I just scribble what’s in my head. But is there a niche for that? And again, who cares?

The thing is, when I take this last thought a little further, it brings me to some really dark places. Like, what impact would my existence have on the universe – none. You can imagine how my mind spirals from there. Btw, this has also been the reason why I’ve been unable to finish my studies and had to take a six-year break. (And if I’m honest, I’m still doing a rather poor job at it.)

The only thing that seems to work for me – at least to some extent – is not to question anything, but just try and do stuff. But in addition to that, I also need to review how I manage my time. So the new idea is that I’m going to write every Sunday. Hopefully, that’s how I’ll get my former consistency back.

In the meanwhile, let me know how you organize yourself. How do you manage to keep blogging regularly in addition to your other activities? And how much time goes into your blog? Tell me everything 🙂 and see you here next Sunday!

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