Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #2

Posessed kids and creepy dreams..

Monday, August 20

Shit, shit shit, I can’t believe I overslept! It’s 9:30am, I should’ve been at work over an hour ago! I have to stop turning off my alarm in my sleep. But then I also should stop calling vodka my best friend, because that’s the real reason I overslept.
Fortunately, it wasn’t a big deal, fortunately. Everyone was happy I showed up after all.

Tuesday, August 21 

Dear Cat,

today was a normal workday. I fortunately arrived on time this morning (I was really freaking out about switching off my alarm again). But it’s not even been really busy. So I’m starting to learn how to do the medical screenings, which means that I’m basically just sheepishly standing around while others do their job. Btw, this job has helped me so much with not being afraid of awkwardness. Most of the time, I actually just or sit somewhere, not doing anything useful (because I’m still new at this, of course). And it doesn’t even bother me. I hope this not-bothering-me will help me a lot when I become a journalist.
So today, we did a screening of a 4yo kid. One part of the screening is having them draw stuff, in this case a human being. Then we count how many body parts the kid has drawn and evaluate its intelligence based on that. (Imo, that’s total bs. Most of the kids are just annoyed by having to spend time at the doctor’s. Of course they’re not going to draw anything – they wanna get out of there!) The kid we saw today drew a perfect Tim Burton figure. It looked super strange and almost as if she was possessed. In fact, instead of a human, she drew a little demon there. I absolutely loved it! And even though she didn’t draw feet or a neck, she passed the test. I think she should go to art school.

Wednesday, August 22

Dear Cat,

tonight, I had the weirdest dream. It was finally one of my consecutive dreams, which I always find very entertaining. They’re like mini-series of (sometimes creepy) nonsense. So tonight, was the third episode of a dream where I’m in the main building of my university, but it looks much more mysterious and more like a castle than irl. (Even the real one is quite castle-y.) And so I found this floor which is actually a cul-de-sac, but it has a women’s restroom (which isn’t labelled as such tho). With me are the Kardashians, at least Kim, Kourtney and Khloé, and Kourtney has her daughter Penelope with her. While we’re in the castle, there’s a huge medieval fight going on. It’s like a slaughterhouse in there and so obviously, we try to get out of there without being seen. Also with us is a character that looks like The Hound from GoT. He’s wearing the same kind of armour and is probably twice my height. In addition to his sword, he also uses a huge iron belt to smash people’s heads.
So we make our way through the castle, but when we get to the cul-de-sac, Kourtney suddenly stops because Penelope has to pee. So Kourtney and her wanna stop to use the “secret” ladie’s room. And I’m thinking something like: “Well then they might get trapped and if we continue our path, we probably won’t be able to help them.” But since I’m (subtle brag right here) ALWAYS lucid dreaming, my conscious me is telling me “No, we can deal with a being-trapped-situation later. Let’s see what happens next, first.” And so my dream-me is like “OK, go ahead, you’ll catch up with us.”, then turns around to The Hound and we’re leaving, still trying to get out of the castle as fast as possible. We make it to the gardens. And Kourtney and Penelope even manage to meet us there. However, they didn’t notice that they were followed and soon, we have an entire army of scary folks around us. Of course, The Hound is trying to protect us, but someone of the evil army grabs his iron belt from him, using it to tie him against a fence. And since I was trying to hide behind The Hound, I indirectly get tied to the fence as well, unable to move.
Again, it’s a war situation.  So the scary dude uses the situation to smack The Hound’s  head, over and over again. Blood is everywhere, quite a lot dropping on me as well. The Hound finnally breaks down and I’m thinking “OK, now it’s probably my turn to die.”. But then the scary dude abruptly stops and tells me I’m free to go, because his folks treat women right.
End of dream.

I wake up the second it was over. It was only the second dream I had in my entire entire life, where someone actually died in front of me. (I had only one other where the feeling of being helpless was stressed that much. That other dream was of a terrorist bus kidnap where I was on the bus as well. The terrorists would then scalp otheres alive.)

Yeah, most of my dreams are pretty dark. Maybe part of the reason is that I used to live next to a graveyard when I was a kid. We were so close, I could hear the sound of the bone mill.

Thursday, August 23

Dear Cat,

today, I took this quiz on Buzzfeed that told me if I’m gonna get rich based on which eye shadow palette I choose. I love money and I love eye shadow, that quiz was made for me! In my first round, my result was “You’re going to be filthy rich”. (I hope that’s true!) This was the result when I clicked on the palettes that mostly included nude tones. I then took the quiz again, this time choosing more colorful palettes. And my new result was “You have zero dollars”. Which is accurate bc I live in the EU, but I still prefer “filthy rich. So obviously, it’s the colors that make you be successful or not. I mean think of Kim Kardashian and the eye shadow she’s wearing. Have you ever seen her wearing any flashy colors (except maybe blue)? Exactly, you haven’t. Kim chooses nude colors. So the  lesson I learned from this: Nudes will boost your career!

Friday, August 24

Dear Cat,

today has been a normal work day, nothing special. Tonight, we had an open house, but it was really quick. I’m just hanging out since, watching Bachelor in Paradise. Is it normal that I’m that obsessed with this show? I got beyond excited when I saw who’s going to be in Paradise this year, it’s crazy. And I’d actually love to be friends with some of them. I’m a huuuge fan of Jordan, I think he’s extremely funny. And I’d love to meet Benoît who seems super sweet. I think I’d really get along with Ashley I. and Corinne – of course! –  who were in the former seasons. (And I’d totally date Thomas from the Bachelorette Canada where Jasmine was the Bachelorette. Still don’t understand why she let him go.)

Saturday, August 25

Dear Cat,

today was shit. I didn’t follow the at-least-2-real-meals-plan my therapist gave me. I made it a 0-real-meal-plan instead. The problem probably was that I didn’t work out. When I work out, my mood is so much better. But right now, all I wanna do is write and feel this gigantic pit inside of me, like if all of my organs were squished together, leaving nothing but a paper thin surface. Also, why can’t humans function like plants? I wouldn’t have any of this trouble if our existence was build on sunlight and water.

I’ll still use this day and do something useful. So I asked a friend if he’d agree to take some photos and he said yes. So in order to find a good location, I had a great walk through the city. There are so many cool places, I’m pretty excited! Plus, I saw a few items I really loved at H&M (seriously, they should sponsor me! I usually wear nothing but H&M). So I think the shoot will be pretty great and I’m really looking forward to it.

I also discovered a new series, or should I say documentary? It’s pretty cool. In case you wanna check it out, it’s called Hollywood Love Story.

Sunday, August, 26

Today is weird. I feel totally empty (haha guess why *eyeroll*), but not only physically, but also emotionally. My brain feels like mush, it seems like I’m not even able to have a single normal thought. Which is kinda nice, it’s like instead of noise, there’s a moment of silence. Maybe that’s why I’m mia, bc it always has that effect on me – a moment of total silence in my head. It feels like I’m floating in an eternal cloud of nothingness. And even though I’m no use for anything today, thinking and feeling absolutely nothing feels kinda good.

Later today: Watching some more Hollywood Love Story. Damn, this is addictive! And kinda saddening. I know I’m sounding super cheesy right now, but everyone who’s interviewed in this documentary seems almost innocent. And then you see them confronted with all the struggles they have to face while trying to make it in the entertainment industry. Some of them are (former) sex workers and I’m super impressed by their attitudes. That reminds me of a tweet I saw earlier this month. It was about the ban on certain sex acts in British porn. Btw, they banned female ejaculation. Like wtf Britain???? Anyway, it was the smartest 280 characters ever, I should it saved it somehow. Anyway, I’ve read so many blogposts and articles, listened to podcasts all published by sex workers and every time, I just think they’re the smartest people with incredible emotional intelligence.

Somehow, I’m just thinking of one of my teachers. He was my English teacher and a pretty cool guy, one of my favorite teachers. Though, he was the type of person you either love or hate. A few of my classmate’s parents were teachers as well, at the same school, and so there were a few rumors about all the teacher’s private life. If you can trust the rumors, my favorite English teacher was a part time photographer and loved to take nudes. I remember that everyone was at least a little outraged by that, but I never got why. So he likes to shoot nudes, so what?? Especially because he was never, never inappropiate in any way at school (I also think that he must’ve been fun to work with). Let people be freaks, dammit!

 

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #1

As I announced on insta, I will now try to give you a weekly peek in my life. Stuff I’d write into a diary aka your weekly dose of voyeurism. After I’ve seen a youtube video of a girl who purchased someone else’s diaries, I was reminded that that was something I always wanted to do: buying and reading someone’s diaries. I only didn’t because I was afraid I couldn’t read the handwriting. And since I can’t be the only weirdo who loves to get to know way too much about other people, I thought I’d include a section here on the blog. It’ll also force me to keep writing in  my diary on a daily basis – which I don’t really do any more even though I want to. Just to flip through it five years later, being embarrassed by how stupid I was. And now you’ll be able to witness this all the embarassment, isn’t that fun? So here goes…

 

Monday, August 13

Dear diary, no I’m just kidding. Is there anyone who really starts writing into their diary like that? I never did that, not even as a teenager. Maybe I should go with something like “Dear Dick”, except that I would have to change the name or mark it as an ad or something. And I usually don’t stay in contact with dicks. I also don’t know anyone called Richard. Also, I should probably continue reading that book (I love Dick), I mean there must have been something that caused that hype, I mean besides the title, obvi. Maybe I should stick to Dear diary for now, since I can’t think of another name. Or maybe I can get my first imaginary friend to write to. So what would my imaginary friend’s name be? Pete maybe. Oh no, that won’t work. One of my friend’s name is Pete, I’d feel bad if I dumped everything my brain comes up with on him. I got a better idea, it’ll be Cat. I love cats, especially the bald ones, and Cat can also be a name. So dear Cat it is.

 

Tuesday, August 14

Dear Cat, sorry I didn’t say much yesterday, I was really busy working. It’s been only a couple of days that I’m working as an assistant in a pediatrician’s office, but it feels like I’ve been there for ages. Probably because there’s so many things to learn. Did you know that when your brain gets tired, days seem longer? That’s why as a kid, waiting for Christmas seemed like an eternity, whereas as an adult, you’re like “Wait, how come this year’s already over?” . It’s because as a kid, you get new impressions everyday, but as an adult, there’s barely something really new happening in your life. All there is is routine. And almost no one seems to have any real hobbies besides Netflix (and chill, if you’re lucky). Tbh, I still don’t understand why we have to become adults, except maybe for drinking alcohol. Hanging out on a beach doing nothing all day sounds perfect to me. Why don’t we all go and do that? Of course, economy, blabla. But we created economy, so maybe we can come up with a more fun system. One where everyone owns a yacht that provides endless amounts of champaign? I’d be in:

 

Wednesday, August 15

Today’s my day off. It feels like weekend to me, probably because things at the doctor’s office are still new and exciting, so my brain takes more time processing all that information, making two days seem like a week. I actually think that my work has made me so much more compassionate. Seeing and slightly getting to know people who have a fucked up life puts everything in a whole new perspective. And I’m getting really good with being patiient (not my strong suit), because my boss is quite particular and seems to have LOOOOOOTS of prejudices. I blame the age, but still, I’m getting some real good exercise in just saying “Hmmm.” and ignoring stuff like “People who get that many piercings must be self-destructive.”.

 

Thursday, August 16

It feels like Sunday, only because I’ve been on a two day break before working again. I’m spending the day at the pool, getting a tan. But I have a late shift today, only for 3 hours. But that’ll be quick. I’ll deal with patients who got to the office because of emergencies, it’ll be interesting.

.
.
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In fact no. People don’t know the difference between emergency and No one gives a shit. Tonight, we had so many who came in for literally nothing. The only interesting things were a wasp bite and a guy who ran through a glass door. (No idea how you do that without realizing you’re running through a glass door, but that’s what he did. Several cuts here and there, but really lucky in general, bcause there was no bigger injury.)

 

Friday, August 17

Some more work, but just a short shift, I’m done at noon.  I make my mom take pictures of me for insta, I finally got some ney ideas for my feed. I start to feel more inspired, it’s been a while wince I haven’t felt that way. I think it’s because I’m bored. Boredom makes you creative. So yes to the boring life I have right now!

 

Saturday, August 18

It’s the weekend, that means I can drink! I self-imposed that rule  on me that I only drink on weekends. I want to get abs, so I have to pay attention to what I eat and how much I drink. But today, I can do whatever I want, yaaayyy. Side note, drinking always helps me with my writing, so I have a good reason to not stay sober. I’m listening to 90s music and writing a lot, it’s awesome! I also realize how badly I wanna work for Buzzfeed. (they think I’m 19, which is the best compliment ever.)

 

Sunday, August 19

Today has been cool, I wrote some stuff, been on insta, took a few pics and just relaxed. I also thought about my previous posts on social media and where I’d wanna go, and even though I don’t have a concrete idea, I feel like I’m finding myself little by little. When I think of how I was a few years back and then compare it to how I am now, I don’t understand why I haven’t been more assertive and more of a pita earlier. Being nice doesn’t get you anywhere. You have to be you, with all the flaws and annoying habits.

 

 

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Dating

Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

“Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?” That’s one of the many questions you can answer on OKCupid. They actually have lots of interesting, sometimes even quite philosophical questions on there and I guess that’s why I’m still signed up. And in contrast to those who just answer these questions randomly, I really like to think about them. (Otherwise, why even bother?)

I probably should get a real hobby instead of overanalyzing shit that happens on dating sites or even my own life. But what can I do, I find both pretty entertaining – even if things don’t go the way I want them to.

I’ve always been more of the jealous type. I “blame” my astrological sign (Aries) and the fact that I’m an only child for that. I put blame in quotes, because I don’t think that being jealous is completely bad. In fact, when I’m with a guy and I’m not jealous, it usually means that I don’t care about him at all. Like he could be hit by a bus like Regina George and I’d just be like *shrug*. (Not that I wish that on anyone, of course. I just kinda measure my relation to someone by imagining something terrible happening to them and how I’d feel about it.)

Being the jealous type has never brought me anywhere and it’s probably the most unnecessary feelings one can feel. No good decision ever comes from jealousy. Instead, you get smashed cars, stalkers and murderers.

Apparently, jealousy was useful in prehistoric times, when heathen hunk needed to be sure that shawty did indeed carry his baby and not the cool hipster heathen’s offspring next cave/ when shawty needed to be sure she could rely on heathen hunk to provide for the kid. Today, we have DNA tests, but unfortunately, our heathen brain has stayed the same.

Or is it just my heathen brain? Because when I talked to a couple of friends who are in open relationships and who are really easygoing people in general, they told me that they’re not jealous at all. I kinda envy them. Mostly because I don’t really believe in monogamy. Even while being in the most amazing relationship (meaning we were pretty commited and there were no unadressed issues or whatever), I started looking at other people pretty fast and thinking about how being with that other person would feel like. Besides, what do you get out of monogamy and (let’s just throw that in) marriage? Security, maybe. And some advantages in taxes and a Golden Retriever. But: After you’ve spent every fucking second of the last 20 years with just one person, who doesn’t even care about you leaving the bathroom door wide open when you take a dump – because anyway, s/he stopped seeing you as a sexual being 10 years ago – wouldn’t it be nice to have a little excitement (other than a new car)? And if you’re truly in love with someone, wouldn’t you want them to have the most fun possible?

I actually think that open relationships would be the ideal form of living together. So why not live in communes as if it was the 60s. (The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. Because even if your significant other is seeing someone else, you will exactly know what going on. And with everyone’s participating equally, there’s no need to worry.)

But I guess that’d be too easy. After all, pop culture basically just exists thanks to heart break, complicated triangle relationships, treason and cheating. Can you imagine what we’d talk about if there was no more “Becky with the good hair”?

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Just blogging

Boooooooobs!

A few weeks ago, I went to see my gyno because I’ve been thinking about having breast reduction for quite some time now. I never really liked my boobs – when I was a teenager, they were pretty small, maybe an A or a B cup. But then I started with hormonal contraception and within a year, they jumped to a D cup. With the result that now, my boobs look like they belong to a 40 yo, even though I’m nowhere close that age.  If I wanted to use the same words as a guy sexting me, my boobs are massive.

But what guys maybe meant as a compliment wasn’t nice to hear for me: It may sound silly, but I always thought about the cute clothes and bralettes I couldn’t wear and how damn difficult it is for me to find a cute bikini. Especially since most brands seem to get really lazy with sizes. Putting S,M, or L on a binkini top is NOT helpful. NOT HELPFUL AT ALL!

The only reason for me to keep my boobs was because I was working in bars and so I thought, more boobs equal more tips. (Not considering that we’d all wear ugly t-shirts, of course.) Seriously, that and not having any money were the only reasons why I kept them. Besides, I think my boobs don’t really match my body.
I actually quite often refer to myself as a chestnut puppet. When I was a kid, we would make little figures out of chestnuts. One nut for the head, one for the torso, two for the feet. All “body parts” were held together by tooth picks. And that’s basically how I look: I have stick-thin arms and legs, but at least some booty and of course, my boobs.

And since I don’t see myself becoming curvier, I had a first brest reduction consultation. Of course, I  also wanted to know if there was any chance of getting anything covered by health insurance. Spoiler, there’s not. At least not in my case, because there’s no medical necessity to get smaller boobs.

So far, so good. But after talking about the medical aspect, my gyno suddenly went on giving me her unsolicited opinion about her personal sense of esthetical perception. She basically said that if I didn’t have my boobs, there wouldn’t be much else. What a bitch. If I’d wanted a biased opinion on my boobs instead of medical advice, I would have asked the guy sexting me.
Besides, I live in Germany, Country of Nude Beaches. I know what human bodies can look like and what’s within the wide range of normal. But that’s not the point. The point is, how I want to look. And that might be very different from other people’s preferences and especially very different from the average, sausage-eating, beer-drinking German body type.

However, there’s been quite some stuff happening since that consultation. And I don’t know what exactly made me change my point of view, but now I’m thinking “Ok, big boobs are not too bad, even if they’re saggy af.” I think it’s thanks to the Kardashians. they all have a lot of everything. So thank you Kim, Kourtney, Khloé and Kylie. Your boobs and butts have helped me to accept my Susan Sarandon (sorry Susan!).

And for now, my boobs will probably stay and keep on bouncing.

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Lifestyle

Are you spontaneous?

I’m sure many of you have heard that question. Are you spontaneous?

Normally, that’s a question everyone would love to answer with a big YES!, capital letters, exclamation point. I mean why wouldn’t you? Being spontaneous rhymes with being easygoing, adventurous, fun and exciting. It probably also rhymes with being really good in bed. Girls who are down to improvise a camping trip to some place where only the stars are watching you. So who wouldn’t want to be spontaneous?

I told you that I do the whole online dating thing. (Spoiler alert, it’s the worst idea ever, but at least, it gives me something to write about.) And so guys asking me about how spontaneous I am is probably one of the most frequently asked questions. And it sounds like a normal question, right? Well, that’s what I naively thought too, until I realized that the typical time frame for that question was around midnight. Aka thirsty dudes looking for booty calls, not putting in any effort.

And so it made me wonder: What does being spontaneous even mean? I mean of course I’m not going to go out of my way and meet some random guy in the middle of the night, not even if I actually have nothing better to do. But still, I strongly believe that there are acceptable times for a first date and that a first date should never begin at midnight, period. Besides, there’s Netflix. So the entertainment that awaits me instead should be pretty awesome, but what are the chances? I largely prefer spending an hour or even two meeting someone in the early evening and then forget all about it while I drink tons of white wine and rewatch Sex and the City for the umpteenth time than having my entire night ripped away. Of course, there’s nothing that should prevent anyone to meet up with the crush of their life at no matter what time of the day or night. But what are the chances? In my experience, it’s mostly the thirsty dudes that want you to come over in the middle of the night – like a prostitute who doesn’t take money. Or at the very best, a girl who doesn’t have a life but waits for some dude to make her day/night.

So my answer to the spontaneity question? Mostly yes and no. I love to be spontaneous when I’m already with a person, meaning when I have already scheduled some time for them. But I would never abandon my plans just to meet up with someone who sends me a lazy message. Not even if my only plan for the night is to Keep Up With The Kardashians. That’s why I usually answer the spontaneity question with ‘No, I’m a stuck up bitch.’

 

PS: Google suggests fun stuff for spontaneity. Apparently, people who are spontaneous love the outdoors and have a healthy heart.

 

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