Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #5

Dear Cat,

I don’t feel like writing down everything that went on this week. All in all it was work and looking for a new place to stay. The latter ist pretty depressing, I feel like there’s absolutely nothing left, at least nothing I can afford. Something that makes me really mad are the ads for cheap rooms that are destined for male students only. Why the hell isn’t there something similar for women?

Anyway, I’ve been so busy trying to take care of stuff that I didn’t really think about getting anything creative done. I hope this will all be over soon. After all, I only need one person who’s renting a room. And then I’ll hopefully feel more inspired again.

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #4

Monday, September 3

Dear Cat,
I don’t even know where my head is. Today was such a busy day at work, I’m so happy to finally be at home and do nothing. Though I’m still getting my abs workout in. Can you believe that I have to add another hole in my belt after only one week? I guess exercise really does do something for you. And I’m soooo proud of myself! I’m even prouder when I see that 11-year-olds weigh as much as I do, even though she’s much smaller than I am. At the same time, I don’t understand how weight works. On one of my favorite reality tv shows, there was a girl who was about the same height as I am, weighing 72 kg (158 lbs), and looking really slender. And I just can’t understad how there’s a 15 kg (33 lbs) difference without that much difference in looks. I guess she must be really athletic and have a lot of muscle, which I don’t. However, when I see similar differences between me and the kids who come into the doctor’s office, I’m still surprised. And then I think back to the time where I weighed 63 kg (139 lbs) and just hated how I looked. Urgh, that was terrible. I could never go back to that phase. Funnily, my natural weight seems to fluctuate between 57 and 59kg (125 and 130 lbs), even when I don’t pay attention. And I’m really, really happy about that.

Tuesday, September 4

Dear Cat,
I guess I’ve already said everything there’s to say about today and the little pity party I had tonight. I not feel like discussing it any further. But will have some more wine instead. After all, vino is more instagrammable than self-doubt and shit.

Wednesday, September 5

Today is my first day off, basically my kind of weekend, since I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off. I’m waking up with a huge headache. I guess drinking my feelings isn’t a good idea. I’m using my laziness to look for new appartments, since I have to move out my current place next month. It blows my mind how bad the market is right now. I’d say I live in a small town, However, prices for apartments are insane! Like what on earth would justify a 10m² for 400€ ???? This is insane! That’s almost the same rent I paid in Paris, but for much more space. Tbh, I’m so fed up with the current situation of society. There are so many things I don’t understand, housing and public transportation are just a small part of it. The latter really upsets me. I truly believe that everything would be so much easier if renting furnished homes at a reasonable price and having a decent public transportation system (like in Paris) was a standard for every city. Like seriously, who needs a car and furniture? Everything that you possess will possess you sooner or later. Except maybe clothes. But when you have to think about moving stuff from one plave to another, every single item you own slows you down. And that’s why I don’t understand that in a world that praises flexibilty so much and even expects it as something normal, flexibilty seems to be the greatest luxury to get.

Thursday, September 6

Dear Cat,
I’m doing a lot of reading today. Mostly because I wanna know how my brain works. Besides, I also because I like to dive into the abyss of human existence, that’s why most of the stuff I read is either about something psychological or murder. So today, I’m reading everything I can about ADHD. I keep wondering if I have it. Even though it hasn’t been diagnosed in my family (at least not that I know of), I feel like there are soooo many things that apply to me. The more I read, the more I feel like I’m on the spectrum. Not that I want to be, but if it turned out that I indeed do have it, it would be a relief. Because then I’d at least know what’s wrong with me. I’d know why my mind is all over the place all the time and why I can’t focus on “easy” tasks that apparently don’t bear any difficulties for others.
As I mentioned in a previous post, consultation is back on the table and I hope to get an aswer soon.

Friday, September 7

Another busy day at work. We were only 2 today and it was crazy. So much stuff to take care of. I’m glad that I can finally start my weekend. And for a change, I’m doing something more cultural than just watching Bachelor in Paradise tonight. I’m going to watch a play! Something Shakespeare! Yeah, I have to say something, because it’s not an actual play by Shakespeare but a combination of several plays.
And I liked it very much! It was a walk through the woods accompanied by different theatrical performances. And even though I got distracted in between scenes and don’t exactly remember the main story, it was a great experience and very artsy as well. (But then again I also was totally in when I saw that everyone would wear masks. I just love costumes and Halloween and stuff.)

Saturday, September 8

Today was very uneventful. And I feel like that’s what I keep saying about all of my weekends. I slept very long (after I woke up at 6:30 am and went back to bed at 9:00 am) and then I just caught up with Bachelor in Paradise (because I’m obsessed), did some cleaning and planned my insta feed (bc I’m obsessed with that, too). And that pretty much was my day. Really lame, but at the same time, I don’t feel like doing much else. I don’t know the reason, but lately, I’ve been feeling deflated and out of energy. It makes everything seem really hard even though it’s not. So that’s why I’m spending my night writing and then call it a day.
Oh I forgot, I tried to do my first contouring. I totally failed. I look like I always do.

Sunday, September 9

I’m sending out more emails and am hoping to find an apartment or a shared accomodation. As I mentioned, the process is very annoying, but at least there are new offers every day. The problem is that almost no one leaves their phone number anymore. I kinda like to do both, send an email and call, so that the person I’m addressing can get a better idea of how cool I am. But in only 2 out of 10 ads, people left a phone number. And only one actually picked up. I mean, I can’t really blame them. I wouldn’t want to receive countless calls throughout the day. I myself actually am part of the people who stare at their phone ringing, wait until it stops and then see if I want to call back or not. Or if I can text back. That reminds me that I wanted to write a post about how the way we use phones has changed in the last few decades. I’ll probably do that, soon.
Apart from that, I had a quiet day. I’m also feeling a little sick again. That’s the difficult part when you work in a doctor’s office: in the first couple of weeks, you’re always sick. But I think I got two good news today. However, I can’t share that part yet, because I don’t wanna jinx it. So I’ll just have to wait and keep my fingers crossed.

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Just blogging

Are you raising a serial killer?

one of my favorite books this year is ‘When To Rob A Bank’ by the Freakonomics creators Steven  D. Levitt and Stepehen J. Dubner. I love it not only describes moments of our everyday life from an economic perspective, but also – and mostly – because it’s just very entertaining and covers a huge variety of topics. So one of the chapters was about how to name your kids, or rather, how NOT to name them. So far, that’s been one of my favorite chapters, because I truly believe that your personality and your name go hand in hand and that your name kinda predicts what character traits someone will develop. Have you ever had a moment where you were at a party where you didn’t know anyone and before you were introduced to people, you guessed their names? Sometimes, you can just tell if someone’s a Peter or a Mick or a Simone or a Lexy (or even Lexie) just by looking at how they interact with other people (and according to Barney Stinson, how slutty they are).
The name discussed in the Freakonomics article is Wayne, not as a first name, but as a middle name. Beautiful headline, too: The Perils Of Wayne. Apparently, it’s quite a dangerous thing to give your kid the middle name Wayne. As a reader of the Freakonomics blog pointed out, Wayne is the most common middle name among criminals, for example Chicago’s serial killer John Wayne Gacey Jr. If you want to read the original blog post (which I highly recommend bc I can’t stop fangirling), it’s right here.
According to the article, middle names that rhyme with Wayne are equally dangerous. And this immediately made me think of a friend who just became a dad somewhat recently. And guess what, his son’s middle name rhymes with Wayne. Now I don’t think that just because of a name his son will become a serial killer, at least I hope he won’t. But when I read this, I almost wanted to text him and ask if it was too late to change it. Well, I didn’t. It’s not my place and I also highly doubt that a blog post can change any parent’s mind. Why else would there be kids called Apple, Mowgli and Rocket? However, I do hope that this little kid will not follow the name path that’s been laid out for him. And as for all the other kids, I hope they’ll either make a living as creative people or have the patience to go through the all the bureaucrazy necessary in order to change their names.

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Just blogging

This Will Never End Cause I Want More…

Today is one of the days where I wish I was any other person. Or at least not in my head. My day was actually pretty good, I had a good night’s sleep, had a great workout and a nice walk, ran some errands. I also made plans for the weekend (which I usually never do) – I#m going to see some Shakespeare-related performances and am actually really excited about it, even though or maybe especially because I’m usually quite lowbrow. I also received an H&M delivery today, a really cool bomber jacket I can’t wait to wear for the next shooting. So all in all, I would say it was a pretty good day. However, at some time after my workout, I suddenly felt this darkness creeping in. I think it was when I looked at some magazines and one headline I saw claimed that millenials have no money. I quickly read the article (yes, I’m that person who reads articles on magazines without buying them . That’s why I never remember my sources.) The article was depressing. It pretty much said that millenials are doomed because living expenses are constantly rising but wages stay the same. And if that wasn’t enough, one of my favorite bloggers just published a blog post about the change from analog to digital, which made me think of Fahrenheit 451 and that stuff is scary af.
My – let’s call it anxious state of mind – became even stronger on my way back home. On the train, there were two girls next to me talking about some guy they knew who was going to be incredibly successful with some app or whatever. At the age of 17. And my mind immediately jumped to the question of what I hve accomplished so far. Well, nothing, really. And I don’t even know what I wanna do in life. It sounds whiney and annoying, but I wish things weren’t as hard. I wish I just knew what I wanted to do in life instead of looking for something I’m “passionate about”. Or maybe I should rephrase that. I know a few things I’m passionate about, but I don’t know how to turn them into something that’ll make a living. Besides, I get the impression that if you wanna do something creative, you need to have a great set of skills – which I don’t have. It’s a litte discouraging, especially because I’m not really excelling at anything. And no one cares for mediocre. I don’t know if it makes sense to you, but I often feel like life can’t really provide a sense or something that I would want. It just seems too small and insignificant, which makes me feel small and insignfiicant. Because even if you have wealth and anything you wnat, where does it lead you? Basically no where. Because even the most successful people don’t have everything. And so that brings me back to the theory of anti-natalism and is also the reason why I’m listening to Fever Ray and drinking looooots of wine tonight.

 

 

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #3

I can’t believe this week is already over. What happened? It was Sunday just a minute ago, how can it be Sunday again? I actually have to think really hard to remember how I spent every single day, I didn’t exactly write down anything (even though that was something I wanted to do more often.

Monday, August 27

My week is starting slowly. Besides work, there wasn’t much going on. But damn, work was fun! We had the hottest dad walk in today. To give you an idea, he looked like Thor. I’m not even kidding when I’m telling you that my jaw dropped when I saw him. And then I turned into a giggly teenager, I just couldn’t stop smiling. He came in with his newborn daughter and his life-partner – at least if the odds are in their favor. I’ll say wife, just to make things easier for my writing. (Somehow, life partner and girlfriend both sound stupid, especially girlfriend in this context.) Surprisingly, he and his wife looked soooo different. They seemed to be completely different types. He got all the Thor-vibes going on, you know, hunky dude, 6’5″ who probably used to work as a model for Abercrombie when he was in High School/ College, loves to go camping and catches and kills fish with his bare hands. She however seemed to be a rather sophisticated type, who can’t be interested in any kind of outdoorsy activity, but prefers to drink red wine (except during pregnancy, of course) and read Sartre. She looked so much older than him, btw. I don’t think that she was older than him. I think she just doesn’t know how to do her makeup and so she got stuck somewhere in the 90s, with some dark shades that do absolutely nothing for her complexion. Anyway, my bitchy mind immediately started to wonder what could have made these two people who seemed to be so completely different (at least on the outside), be attracted to one another.
I wasn’nt able to figure it out, and still can’t. But since Monday, I keep seeing odd couples, where either the girl is waaaay hotter than the guy or vice versa. And that makes me think of the episode on How I Met Your Mother where they explain that you’re either a reacher or a settler. From what I’m seeing in the streets, that totally checks out. I can’t think of a time that I’ve seen an insanely hot couple, it’s either the girl or the guy. But I’m sure they all have great personalities.

 

Tuesday, August 28

Tonight, I’m going to shoot with one of my friends after work and I’m so excited!!! I’ve never had a friend taking pictures of me, it kinda makes me nervous. I guess I don’t want to look stupid when I try different poses (even though – let’s admit it – I only have three). But when there’s the possibility that someone who I’ve seen in a private setting will have so much more ground to judge me on, it just kinda terrifies me. And that’s the reason why I’ve asked this friend in particular, he’s the least judging person I know. On the contrary, he’s probably one of the kindest. And since he has a creative background, I’m sure he’ll be able to give some valuabe input.

I was not mistaken, the photos are BOMB! I just love them! Plus, the shoot was super quick, wee did everything in just one hour. Which means we had plenty of  time to sit down, have a drink and chat. It was a great night. And I found out that we have so much more in common than I’d expected. I guess I’ve found myself a new photographer and I’m very happy about that!

 

Wednesday, August 29

It’s my day off! I had the coolest dream last night, it was some sort of follow-up to my last creepy dream. But this time, the Kardashians weren’t in it. I was in the desert and the setting had some major GoT vibes. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much of that dream, but I remember that I was with other people from my “tribe” and again, it was a war situation. So we were trying to move across the desert without being seen by others. That’s probably why we were all covered from head to toe. I was wearing a hijab and also a wide dress that covered everything. If you’re as obsessed with dreams as I am, I should probably mention that everything I was wearing was white and gold. We where riding along on our camels and then we got to this tavern. We had a break from our ride and were about to sit down and order something to eat and drink, when in that exact moment, we noticed a former member of our group. Her name was Valentina, she wanted to be on her own shortly after she became a part of our group. And now we were seeing her there in that tavern. It was a nice surprise, at least for me, since I hadn’t expected to see her again. (just for the record, I don’t know any Valentina irl.) She had a bunch of jewelry laid out in front ot her, I guess that’s how she made a living – it was amazing actually. Lots of gold and gemstones, everything you could want. Suddenly, while we were looking at the jewelry, new people arrived to the tavern. It was people from the troops we were trying to escape. Of course, they as well came closer to have a look at Valentina’s collection. She took the time to show every item, and that’s when I noticed that most of her fingers on the right hand were missing. She only had her thumb and her index finger, the rest was obviously missing and covered in a bandage. In my dream, having only a certain amount of fingers means that you’re part of an alternative tribe. Valentina must have joined them while she was crossing the desert on her own. In this alternative tribe, getting your fingers chopped off is some sort of passage. Or if you want to become part of the tribe, a form of hazing where you do the sacrifice, but can’t be sure if you’ll be accepted as a new tribe member. In that case, it was the same tribe the soldiers belonged to.
All that time, I was really worried for the soldiers to find out who we were. If they’d known we’re fleeing, they’d probably done whatever horrible crime you can imagine. But in this dream, they were so distracted by Valentina’s jewelry, they didn’t even care. They even forgot that we were there and so they let us go.
Compared to having blood spilled over me, that’s a pretty good outcome. But I did wonder  how it was possible that a relatively small amount of gold and precious stones distracted them so much that they totally forgot what they were looking for in the first place. Unfortunately, I woke up before anything happened. I hope there’ll be another episode coming soon.

 

Thursday, August 28

I spent almost the entire day watching Refinery29 videos and Try Living With Lucie. I’m getting a little obsessed with the latter and I kinda wanna be friends with Lucie. Is it weird that I wanna be friends with people I only “know” from reality tv or youtube?
Sometimes, when I walk in the streets and I see people who are wearing a great outfit or just look really pretty, I always feel the urge to run up to them and yell “Let’s be best friends!” I wonder what their reactions were if I really did that. Maybe I should start making videos where I do exactly that. Then I could also include asking girls about their boobs. As you may know from one of my previous posts, I’m not exactly happy with the shape of my boobs and sometimes, I think about having them reduced/remodeled. And so now, whenever I see girls with nice boobs, I often feel like asking them “Where did you get those?”. And then, I have to remind myself that A) it probably isn’t considered polite to ask strangers about their body parts an B) I can’t purchase nature. Argh.

 

Friday, August 29

I’m soooo happy that I only have a short day at work. It’s insane how freaking loud kids can be. I’m pretty sure the noise today could be compared to the noise on a construction site. It’s unnerving. And I don’t understand parents who can raise such kids, or how they deal with them at home. I would immediately sign them up for a tour in Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory if I was them. Speaking of other people’s kids, sometimes I think of how they could turn out in a couple of years from now. So for example there was one mother who came in with her sons and they were not completely annoying but clearly had troubles listening to their mom. Still, they were acting a little shy, but that probably was because they were in a doctor’s office. And I thought, “Not too long until that little boy that’s probably super cute with his mom right now will send out dick pics and turn into a total douche.”

 

Saturday, September 1st and Sunday, September 2nd

My weekend was rather lazy, so there’s really not much to tell. I went out to look for new locations to shoot at and found a whole bunch. I’m pretty happy about that and really can’t wait. I’m just starting to worry about the weather getting colder and so I’m already slightly panicking about what I’ll do once winter is coming. I hate being cold.

A part from that, I watched some more videos of my new best friend Lucie and then tried to get my room organized. I hate how much stuff I have. There’s a large pile of clothes I want to donate, but right now, it’s just been sitting in a corner for the last two months. Also, the amount of books and magazines I have is ridiculous! I’ll probably do a HUGE clean out sesh pretty soon.

So that was my week. Maybe I should try out something Lucie did on her channel just to change things up a little. I should probably start with sticking to my plan and really write into my agenda every single day, and maybe draw a little something as well. But for now, I’m headed to bed. Good night!

 

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