Dating

Dealing with a fuckboy

I’ve done quite a bit of online dating in the last couple of years. Most of the time, I felt like it was not worth the hassle – I would go on dates and think: “I put on a bra for this???”; and only sometimes, it was intriguing, not always in a good way though.

So one of the good times were when I met up with someone smart involved in the fashion industry. We had quite a few things in common and I liked his approach on life – not a goody two-shoes at all, which I liked a lot. We had awesome conversations, about everything and nothing and I felt great to see that I’m not the only one with a twisted mind.

However, I soon noticed that there was a price to all the excitement, great conversation, and general coolness, because in his core, that guy was still a child.

After date 2, it became impossible to actually make plans. It would be like “Let’s meet up next Saturday”, but then when I wouldn’t hear a peep for the weeks(!) to come. Not even the original date was confirmed. It was highly annoying. Until I started making plans nonetheless, and then I got like a 20/80 chance that my date would remember that we had a date. LOL. Typical fuckboy.

At first, I was kinda upset by this, no likes to be stood up. I mean just imagine the level of entitlement necessary to think that another person is pretty much there to your disposal – without being a sex worker. (I honestly think that if the fuckboy hired a sex worker, that would be so much more noble.- He’d get to jerk off with no restrictions, and they’d make some money, without feeling used. Wouldn’t that be great? It wouldn’t be like one of those Tinder meetups, where one party is always expecting more than being a human Fleshlight for the other person. No it would be way more respectful, more real, even more natural than that.)

But girls, don’t put up with fuckboys, they’re not worth your time.

So how do you recognize fuckboys?

Well they make promises they can’t keep. They only make non-binding plans that can change any minute. They will ditch you in a second if anything “better” is waiting up around the corner. They’re only there for the attention you give them, the fun, the feeling that they’re oh so cool. They couldn’t care less about you as a person, you’re just a mirror to reflect their supposed awesomeness. And they’re sure not down for any sort of commitment. In short: They’re just a bunch of douches inconsiderate of your time and just not worth it.

So how not getting involved? The only general rule that helps most with not getting involved with a fuckboy is to stay yourself – only do the things that you want to do, and don’t put up with disrespectful behavior. You don’t have time for this. Don’t be a doormat. Simply stay true to yourself – that’s the biggest power you’ll ever have.

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Dating

Dating sober

It’s been a while since I wanted to write this article, actually since I listened to an episode of This Is Why You’re Single where they discussed the exact same topic.

So for everyone who doesn’t know my background: I’m from East Germany, where people drink a lot. Then I lived in France, where people drink a lot. During that time, I worked in a bar, where we used to drink a lot. And then I moved back to Germany, worked at a bar and got re-engaged with a student’s initiative where we do an exchange program with France – and of course, drink a lot. So as you can maybe tell, I’m not the perfect candidate for dating without booze. In fact, I’ve always dreaded it. I mean, no matter where you live, if you’re really not lucky with the weather and if you’ve already brought your date to all the places where you can play darts/bowling/table tennis/ minigolf, there are not that many options left. Well, there’s the movies, but going to the movies on a date is like already telling your date that you rather won’t hear them talking and are only willing to meet them in the dark. Not so great. Then there’s the museum. Oh sorry, I was kidding. I guess I don’t even have to talk about going to the theater/ a poetry slam/ anything in a shabby basement where you’ll either get murdered or endure a horrible date.

The only cultural activity on my list of possible places for a date would be a comedy show. Just to make sure that my date had the same twisted humour as I do.

However, all of these activities are so much better when drunk. Especially the (pseudo-)cultural stuff. I remember when I went on a date watching the latest Hangover movie. I brought tiny bottles of wine which we snuck in, and I just got trashed. It was awesome. (L’abus d’acool est dangereux pour la santé.)

However, as much as I love the mind enhancing liquid, I’ve had a few sober dates, lately, which was nice, just to change things up a little.

No seriously, it was really nice to feel more in control. Not that I don’t usually feel this way, but there’s still a difference between the sober me and the me who’s had a few glasses. For the record, without the booze, I’m also probably more of a critic. So the fact that the dates went well is actually pretty surprising to me.

However, having to plan a sober date is suuuuper tough. I mean where would you go? The shitty theater or poetry slam only gets funny with booze – as does the weird art exhibit. You can’t check out the latest, most hyped cocktail bar, because it’s a cocktail bar. And going to café just seems like badly spent money.

To me, the only options you can do with anyone anytime are dinner and brunch. If only I didn’t have a ton of food allergies. Besides, who does brunch without having mimosas?

So, even though I acknowledge the advantages of sober dating – wait, did I say advantages? No, it’s just one advantage. Your ability of correctly assessing a situation will maybe be more accurate. (Depending on your general ability to connecting with people.) But yeah, that’s pretty much it. Also, seeing people drunk reveals an awful lot about their personalities. I’d say get your date shitfaced.

Verdict: There’s no point of dating sober. (Unless if you’re a former alcoholic of course.) Let your freak out! You only live once.

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Dating

The Front Porch Test

If you’ve watched How I Met Your Mother, you probably know Lily’s Front Porch Test. If you don’t, go watch it right now, because you’re missing a huge part of pop culture and also a great deal of life advice. Honestly, even after rewatching every episode at least 4 times, I can’t argue that pretty much everything in the show is somewhat applicable to my life. Well, except maybe the goat and getting injured by my friends.

Anyway, there’s this one episode that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, it’s The Front Porch Test. If you haven’t seen the show (watch it!): The Front Porch Test is basically an estimation of how well your date will integrate themselves into your group of friends and how well they will interact with them. The ideal is that the entire group grows old together and spends fun afternoons together playing a fictive card game on someone’s front porch.

Also, two of my closest friends are getting married this year, and so thinking of who would be fun and suitable enough to bring to the wedding has become my very own Front Porch Test. No one wants to look at photos and say, “Oh, there’s the […] people I love most in the world. And Bob.” So now I try to imagine who would be a great wedding date (even if I won’t bring a date – I’m writing this for the bride to be and who’s probably been like “Wtf, you’re not getting a + one!” this past minute. I love you. :*)

So as you guessed, similar to the show, my friends and I are super tight. And for some outsiders, we may come across as this weird community with funny rules that don’t match conventional ways. Sometimes, we joke about creating a cult which promotes an alternative lifestyle, similar to some in the 70s. In short, we’re a weird but very loving and loyal little bunch and especially during this last year, I’ve realized that my friends truly are my second family, as cliché as that sounds.

However, I also know that our group dynamic might not be for everyone and that some people would probably feel a little overwhelmed. And so with that in mind, whenever I was on a date, I started trying to imagine what would happen if I threw my date into this group.

Most of the time, things have ended way before the question of meeting the other person’s friends has even come up. But for the other times, it’s been interesting to watch. Though, I’d say that except for one, most of them managed rather meeehhh – which wasn’t a good sign, of course.

Sometimes, I imagine having people meet my friends who probably won’t be that comfortable with their openness and absence of polite filters. And just for the sake of my own entertainment, I actually invite them to everything. But then I think of how well they would actually fit in the group, and let’s say that I’d rather be surprised if it was a good match.

Now that could be a very conclusive assessment about my personality and my romantic choices. But this text isn’t about me, at least not primarily, so fuck that – I’m perfect.

Yet, I haven’t really met anyone who was comfortable enough with my friends. And since they’re the greatest part of my life, I would never want to date anyone who doesn’t fit in our cute little special group.

Because in the end, if there’s no one to count on, you can always count on your friends.

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