Weekly Diary

Weekly Diary #10

Happy new year, everyone! I hope you all enjoyed the holiday season!

I celebrated Christmas with my mom and even though we spend a week together in my tiny 30 sqm apartment, we still don’t hate each other. In fact, I had very relaxing holidays spent with the classic Christmas activities like baking, cooking, going for walks, and playing board games. But my favorite tradition of ours is comparing all the horoscopes for the new year we can find in women’s magazines.
As a new tradition, I also did a small Tarot reading every morning after breakfast. And even though I’m still very new at this, I strongly believe that the cards never lie. So I wasn’t really surprised when the cards I pulled matched the horoscopes for 2022 I read later that week. It was the same for my mom. The cards already announced the important turning points that we know will come up eventually.
In my case, there will be one critical change in my professional life, and I have to admit that I’ve been dreading this moment, I still am. I guess that’s why I’m really reluctant to write my thesis and why I kept procrastinating for years. I’m so fucking scared of what comes after, I just don’t want to face it.
Another big change will hopefully be in my relationships. I really love cats, but it’d still be nice to have someone in my life who I can state as an emergency contact.

When I started writing this post, the first week of January was already over. It’s hard to believe that we’re already two weeks into the new year. I feel like the last two years didn’t even happen. But I guess I’m not alone. It’s so hard to believe that it’s been only a few months since I went to a different party or rave every couple of days. I barely slept. And now, I’m sitting here sipping my lemon water, celebrating that I haven’t had a drink in two weeks. Though I have to admit that I’m only sticking to Dry January right now because there’s no red wine at my place. And I’m not in the mood for white wine, it doesn’t go as well with my outfit today nor with the French playlist I’m listening to this evening. It’s all about the aesthetics. By the way, that’s why I started smoking in my early twenties. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I blame my mom. We watched so many movies from the Golden Age of Hollywood together, so of course I wanted to have my own collection of cigarette holders. Also, I did a photoshoot last week where we had to include a cigarette just to add a little lasciviousness. I might pick up smoking again. Or maybe I just try to get some of these chocolate cigarettes we had as kids.

Isn’t it crazy that these were targeted at children? Makes me think of the vintage ads praising the benefits of alcohol, such as the nourishing qualities for babies. And in case you were wondering, you can still get chewing gum cigarettes. Apparently, they even produce smoke. I will definitely test them. But apart from my desire to look like a glamorous movie star, I’m enjoying getting a little healthier.

When I started writing this post last Sunday, the moon was in Pisces. And I was rather emotional as well. So I didn’t really take care of myself, and I haven’t in a while. I still have to force myself out of bed, let alone do a workout. Though I’m slowly getting better at that, thanks to a fitness app with short, scheduled workouts, and thanks to a YouTube video reminding me that I have to practice self-care in order to attract positive things in life. It made me realize how poorly I’ve been treating myself in the past, not to say as long as I can think. In addition to that, I never took time to heal from any sort of physical or psychological, or emotional trauma. Instead, I used very unhealthy coping mechanisms and just kept going.

I’m not gonna lie, realizing this sucked. It even had me paralyzed for most of the week because I suddenly got stuck with all the negative thoughts and emotions I’ve been bottling up for so long. Besides, it’s really hard to break well established thought patterns. And so I just had a few days where I felt like a waste of space and absolutely unworthy of anything. Fun side note: Even my therapist seems to be a little stumped and doesn’t know what to do with me. She keeps asking me what kind of treatment I think would be best for me. I guess she’s trying to be considerate, but quite frankly, I’m not going to see a professional just to write my treatment plan myself. And these past days, thinking of my therapist’s overwhelmedness just added to my down spiral. It’s come to the point where I’m not even sure if therapy is helpful for me. At least so far, it hasn’t really made a difference for me whether or not I talk to a stranger about my feelings. Most of the time, I just feel reassured that my perception is right, even when a therapist (I’ve had a few) disagrees with me. And except for me second-guessing myself and wondering if I’m a narcissist, that doesn’t do much. I’ll still stick to it though. I mean, you never know.

But now, I have a real resolution for this year. Besides working out regularly and finally finishing my studies, I want to cultivate a positive mindset. No more talking myself down. And I challenge everyone reading this to do the same. Raise your vibrations and stuff.

The good news is that Mercury is in retrograde again, until February 3. This is the perfect time to reflect on yourself, your relationships, and how you go about life. Despite having a bad rep, Mercury retrogrades are actually a great opportunity to take a breather and to focus on what is really important or what needs to change. What energies do you want to attract, what brings you further in life? During this first Mercury retrograde of the year, we can set our intentions for the months to come. (And if you have to get back with your ex, be sure about your Why.)

So take it easy, be kind to yourself, do what makes you happy. And have the best year ever!

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