Paris, Weekly Diary

Weekly Diary #9

This week has been filled with nostalgia for me, which came all over me when I started to assemble photos I could use to update an old and very corny vision board. I decided that instead of making a collage of inspirational photos, I would print out photos of memorable moments spent with my friends. And since my newly found friendships here in Germany have disappeared as quickly as they have formed, most of the photos are from my time in Paris. And it made me realize that I’ve been pretty miserable in Germany.

Not so long ago, I told my therapist that I feel like my depression is getting worse and worse, despite the medication. It didn’t occur to me that it’s probably because I just don’t feel at home here. Weirdly enough, I moved so many times since I came back to Germany, ten times in less than five years to be exact. I guess I was just too busy to realize that I’m not happy here. Though I have been bitching about our ineffective public transport system since the moment I arrived here.

My life in Paris was so much more bubbly, which might sound paradoxical after my last post about my eating disorder. But considering that I have been carrying that around for 17 years now, the time in Paris (except for the first couple of months) was the lightest, and the friendships I made there last until today. Besides, I never understood how the people here in Cologne don’t get bored out of their mind, going to the same parties, meeting the same people over and over again. Cologne is more of a village than a city, it couldn’t be more different from the vibrant city of Paris where, even after years and years of living there, you still discover something new every day. I also miss the international crowd. And opposed to what every tourist says, people in Paris are actually super friendly. They just don’t like bullshit and have a cynical view of life, which I both find very charming.

But more importantly, I spent a big part of my 20s in Paris. So, of course, it was the best time of my life. I really miss the nights I spent at the bar I worked at, after finishing a shift. We’d stay until the cleaners kicked us out, had a couple of drinks, and played silly games. Or we’d go out to the other bars that belonged to the same chain. During this time, I was barely at home. I just spent all my time at the bar. And I absolutely loved it.

It’s not like I had a “real” perspective. I was just a full-time waitress. But I definitely didn’t feel as stuck as I do know. And I had fun. Growing up is a scam anyway.

Still, I felt so much more inspired back then than nowadays. Take yesterday: I went through some of my Facebook posts. Like everyone else, I haven’t used Facebook in a really long time, so it was fun to go through the things I shared a few years ago. I had no idea I used to be funny and witty! Honestly, some of these posts were almost genius! And now, my brain is just dusty. I’m not even able to think of a good comparison right now. Oh how the mighty have fallen!

To solve this problem, I have a two-step plan. Step one: Start again to drink wine every day. That’s what I did back then. Even though it happened that not everything was very clear the next morning, it was also during that time when I wrote beautiful texts and scribbled (seemingly) intelligent annotations in the margins of the books I read. I even had the habit of sitting in bars, having a couple of drinks, and reading until the letters got blurry. It felt so intellectual. Now, I even have a small collection of black turtle-necks, which would only add to the aesthetic.

Step two: I’ll finally finish that fucking degree that I’ve been putting off for years and move back to Paris. And I’ll have a tiny apartment on the sixth floor, without an elevator of course. It’s the only way to go and will help keep my butt in shape despite all the wine I’ll be drinking. Hopefully, I’ll have weird neighbors as well, In that way, I’d have plenty of material to write about. Maybe I’ll even see my mosquito-hating friend from the metro again.

With my new photo wall, I’ll definitely have enough inspiration to do so.

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Weekly Diary

Weekly Diary #7

It’s been a while that I haven’t written one of those weekly diaries. But today I decided that it’s a category I’m going to revive.

I just had a short video chat with a somewhat friend. Somewhat because our friendship almost only exists via calls. We met on Tinder and have actually met only once. We also hooked up that night, but we both date other people. So I don’t really know how to exactly classify this relation other than as a somewhat friend.

He has been struggling with depression and substance abuse the last couple of months, at least since I know him, actually. And he’s an artist. So exactly the kind of person I attract, the struggling and depressed artist. I’ve tried to attract and be attracted to “normal” people in the past, but that has never worked. I find them boring. And I have to admit that I sometimes even like the drama that comes with rather unstable personalities. Besides, my Jupiter is in Cancer and my moon is in Taurus. So I often take the role of the caregiver. Unfortunately, to the extent that I only care about others, but not myself. In fact, I read an article about what your sleeping position tells about you. In relation- or situationships, I’m usually the big spoon. Which reflects me being protective and caring. And of course my Aries sun makes me super protective of others.

I guess psychologically, I do that so that I can concentrate on others instead of dealing with my own problems. I mean, especially right now, my life is a mess. So I’m basically a mom who takes care of everyone but then needs her Chardonnay at 4 PM to cope.

I should add that he’s a Scorpio. I unfortunately can’t find the meme anymore that portrayed Aries-Scorpio relationships perfectly, but it basically just stated that this combo can be toxic and yet, Aries are attracted to it. And in this particular case, I really feel that.

But I’m realizing that I didn’t even tell you yet how the conversation went. I texted him around noon, asking him how he’s feeling. I also wanted to make sure that he slept, since the last time we spoke, he told me that he’d only slept 2 hours. He then called, already with a bottle of hard liquor in hand, and asked me right away to give him a tarot reading, which I did. (It reflected his current situation, so nothing new. But it also showed that things might improve in the future and that he’ll have a meaningful relationship, so I hope that will happen for him.) Anyway, after I was done with the reading, he asked me if I thought that he is a calculating asshole because he only called to get a favor. To which I replied that I’m used to that kind of behavior by now.

He immediately started protesting, even though he was the one referring to himself as calculating in the first place. He claimed that he’d always had my back, and he supported me no matter what. I just thought, “We’ve only met once”. I also realized that he was obviously drunk, even though I wasn’t able to tell earlier.

However, me saying that I’m used to calculating people suddenly made me really sad. It reminded me of all the times I was really invested in a relationship or friendship and had to come to the hard conclusion that my efforts weren’t reciprocated. I even feel like it’s impossible to have two people be on the same page and equally invested. I would love to have someone showing me they care as much about me as I care about them.

After we ended the video chat, I did a small tarot reading for me as well. My cards are in the featured image of this post. Turns out, the universe wants me to concentrate more on myself and be more aware of my desires – something that I need to do that to be successful in the future. However, I’ll probably still have trust issues later on. But at least I’ll hopefully have the success going for me.

To put the advice from the cards into practice, I’m now going to work out and enjoy the sun. Happy Sunday!

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #6

Vampires and gossip

It’s been a moment since my last blogpost and although there’s definitely no a lack of inspiration, I didn’t have the courage to write. Somehow, I’ve been in a funk lately. Therefore, I decided to forego writing about the topics I first had in my mind and do a weekly diary instead – which I haven’t done in a while. So yay to another post dedicated to hiding under blankets, trying to make sense of how I feel! 😀

Seriously, the free trial month of 2019 is almost over and I feel more like Bridget Jones than this better version of myself I imagined becoming. Though on paper, I actually have nothing to complain about. I got a new job at a company I’m really excited about (I will start on Friday), I did work out more than I usually do and I even started budgeting, which makes me feel really adult and almost as if I knew how life works. Especially since now I have a budget for wine. I also made new friends and now that it’s been three months that I live in Cologne, I’m starting to get to know Cologne a little better (though there’s still a ton of things and places to explore). And yet, I feel like something is missing. It feels like if I wasn’t really invested in my life, like it wasn’t even mine. And it probably sounds super weird, but right now, I feel more like a ghost wandering around among all these warm, human beings filled with purpose, love and passion, and I’m just this cold shell that somehow got trapped in between, watching time go by and others change while I stay exactly the same.

Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why I’m obsessed with vampires and Halloween. Halloween is the day of the year where truly feel like myself, as a living dead person. Isn’t that weird?
That obsession goes back to when I was around 7 years old. Halloween wasn’t a thing in Germany yet, especially not in the east, but I always dressed up as a vampire on Mardi Gras. And funnily, if I remember it correctly, that was also the time where the first signs of what would later become an eating disorder started to manifest themselves.
Wow, 10 minutes into writing and I’ve already covered more than I ever did in therapy. I guess this is a position I can cut from my budget then.

Besides my 3-week-funk (3 really is a magic number in my posts), the job offer and exercising, I’ve been learning Portuguese, making a list of ideas for a podcast, taking pictures, same old, same old. I’m also trying to shift my focus from speaking English all the time to speaking French. And that’s why I’m rewatching all my favorite series again, but this time in French. If you’re ever in need of an excuse to binge watch, you’re welcome. Just say you watch it in VO or with subtitles. I’m still practicing my English by watching The Bachelor and reading every effing post written about it. In that context, I just discovered Betches, probably the awesomest site ever created. And while browsing through all the categories, I also noticed they have a podcast! No, even several podcasts!! My favorite episode so far is the one on Betch Slapped where they talk to @entylawyer, who’s spilling tea about celebrities. It’s definitely the best thing I’ve heard this month. (Though listening to stories about all the celebrity feuds also made me feel like a peasant, just because I don’t have any hidden agenda when I interact with people. But this episode is giving me life! Which is a good thing for my vegetarian vampire self.)

And that already sums up my week, ahem, month. I’ll try being more interesting next time.

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #5

Dear Cat,

I don’t feel like writing down everything that went on this week. All in all it was work and looking for a new place to stay. The latter ist pretty depressing, I feel like there’s absolutely nothing left, at least nothing I can afford. Something that makes me really mad are the ads for cheap rooms that are destined for male students only. Why the hell isn’t there something similar for women?

Anyway, I’ve been so busy trying to take care of stuff that I didn’t really think about getting anything creative done. I hope this will all be over soon. After all, I only need one person who’s renting a room. And then I’ll hopefully feel more inspired again.

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #4

Monday, September 3

Dear Cat,
I don’t even know where my head is. Today was such a busy day at work, I’m so happy to finally be at home and do nothing. Though I’m still getting my abs workout in. Can you believe that I have to add another hole in my belt after only one week? I guess exercise really does do something for you. And I’m soooo proud of myself! I’m even prouder when I see that 11-year-olds weigh as much as I do, even though she’s much smaller than I am. At the same time, I don’t understand how weight works. On one of my favorite reality tv shows, there was a girl who was about the same height as I am, weighing 72 kg (158 lbs), and looking really slender. And I just can’t understad how there’s a 15 kg (33 lbs) difference without that much difference in looks. I guess she must be really athletic and have a lot of muscle, which I don’t. However, when I see similar differences between me and the kids who come into the doctor’s office, I’m still surprised. And then I think back to the time where I weighed 63 kg (139 lbs) and just hated how I looked. Urgh, that was terrible. I could never go back to that phase. Funnily, my natural weight seems to fluctuate between 57 and 59kg (125 and 130 lbs), even when I don’t pay attention. And I’m really, really happy about that.

Tuesday, September 4

Dear Cat,
I guess I’ve already said everything there’s to say about today and the little pity party I had tonight. I not feel like discussing it any further. But will have some more wine instead. After all, vino is more instagrammable than self-doubt and shit.

Wednesday, September 5

Today is my first day off, basically my kind of weekend, since I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off. I’m waking up with a huge headache. I guess drinking my feelings isn’t a good idea. I’m using my laziness to look for new appartments, since I have to move out my current place next month. It blows my mind how bad the market is right now. I’d say I live in a small town, However, prices for apartments are insane! Like what on earth would justify a 10m² for 400€ ???? This is insane! That’s almost the same rent I paid in Paris, but for much more space. Tbh, I’m so fed up with the current situation of society. There are so many things I don’t understand, housing and public transportation are just a small part of it. The latter really upsets me. I truly believe that everything would be so much easier if renting furnished homes at a reasonable price and having a decent public transportation system (like in Paris) was a standard for every city. Like seriously, who needs a car and furniture? Everything that you possess will possess you sooner or later. Except maybe clothes. But when you have to think about moving stuff from one plave to another, every single item you own slows you down. And that’s why I don’t understand that in a world that praises flexibilty so much and even expects it as something normal, flexibilty seems to be the greatest luxury to get.

Thursday, September 6

Dear Cat,
I’m doing a lot of reading today. Mostly because I wanna know how my brain works. Besides, I also because I like to dive into the abyss of human existence, that’s why most of the stuff I read is either about something psychological or murder. So today, I’m reading everything I can about ADHD. I keep wondering if I have it. Even though it hasn’t been diagnosed in my family (at least not that I know of), I feel like there are soooo many things that apply to me. The more I read, the more I feel like I’m on the spectrum. Not that I want to be, but if it turned out that I indeed do have it, it would be a relief. Because then I’d at least know what’s wrong with me. I’d know why my mind is all over the place all the time and why I can’t focus on “easy” tasks that apparently don’t bear any difficulties for others.
As I mentioned in a previous post, consultation is back on the table and I hope to get an aswer soon.

Friday, September 7

Another busy day at work. We were only 2 today and it was crazy. So much stuff to take care of. I’m glad that I can finally start my weekend. And for a change, I’m doing something more cultural than just watching Bachelor in Paradise tonight. I’m going to watch a play! Something Shakespeare! Yeah, I have to say something, because it’s not an actual play by Shakespeare but a combination of several plays.
And I liked it very much! It was a walk through the woods accompanied by different theatrical performances. And even though I got distracted in between scenes and don’t exactly remember the main story, it was a great experience and very artsy as well. (But then again I also was totally in when I saw that everyone would wear masks. I just love costumes and Halloween and stuff.)

Saturday, September 8

Today was very uneventful. And I feel like that’s what I keep saying about all of my weekends. I slept very long (after I woke up at 6:30 am and went back to bed at 9:00 am) and then I just caught up with Bachelor in Paradise (because I’m obsessed), did some cleaning and planned my insta feed (bc I’m obsessed with that, too). And that pretty much was my day. Really lame, but at the same time, I don’t feel like doing much else. I don’t know the reason, but lately, I’ve been feeling deflated and out of energy. It makes everything seem really hard even though it’s not. So that’s why I’m spending my night writing and then call it a day.
Oh I forgot, I tried to do my first contouring. I totally failed. I look like I always do.

Sunday, September 9

I’m sending out more emails and am hoping to find an apartment or a shared accomodation. As I mentioned, the process is very annoying, but at least there are new offers every day. The problem is that almost no one leaves their phone number anymore. I kinda like to do both, send an email and call, so that the person I’m addressing can get a better idea of how cool I am. But in only 2 out of 10 ads, people left a phone number. And only one actually picked up. I mean, I can’t really blame them. I wouldn’t want to receive countless calls throughout the day. I myself actually am part of the people who stare at their phone ringing, wait until it stops and then see if I want to call back or not. Or if I can text back. That reminds me that I wanted to write a post about how the way we use phones has changed in the last few decades. I’ll probably do that, soon.
Apart from that, I had a quiet day. I’m also feeling a little sick again. That’s the difficult part when you work in a doctor’s office: in the first couple of weeks, you’re always sick. But I think I got two good news today. However, I can’t share that part yet, because I don’t wanna jinx it. So I’ll just have to wait and keep my fingers crossed.

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #3

I can’t believe this week is already over. What happened? It was Sunday just a minute ago, how can it be Sunday again? I actually have to think really hard to remember how I spent every single day, I didn’t exactly write down anything (even though that was something I wanted to do more often.

Monday, August 27

My week is starting slowly. Besides work, there wasn’t much going on. But damn, work was fun! We had the hottest dad walk in today. To give you an idea, he looked like Thor. I’m not even kidding when I’m telling you that my jaw dropped when I saw him. And then I turned into a giggly teenager, I just couldn’t stop smiling. He came in with his newborn daughter and his life-partner – at least if the odds are in their favor. I’ll say wife, just to make things easier for my writing. (Somehow, life partner and girlfriend both sound stupid, especially girlfriend in this context.) Surprisingly, he and his wife looked soooo different. They seemed to be completely different types. He got all the Thor-vibes going on, you know, hunky dude, 6’5″ who probably used to work as a model for Abercrombie when he was in High School/ College, loves to go camping and catches and kills fish with his bare hands. She however seemed to be a rather sophisticated type, who can’t be interested in any kind of outdoorsy activity, but prefers to drink red wine (except during pregnancy, of course) and read Sartre. She looked so much older than him, btw. I don’t think that she was older than him. I think she just doesn’t know how to do her makeup and so she got stuck somewhere in the 90s, with some dark shades that do absolutely nothing for her complexion. Anyway, my bitchy mind immediately started to wonder what could have made these two people who seemed to be so completely different (at least on the outside), be attracted to one another.
I wasn’nt able to figure it out, and still can’t. But since Monday, I keep seeing odd couples, where either the girl is waaaay hotter than the guy or vice versa. And that makes me think of the episode on How I Met Your Mother where they explain that you’re either a reacher or a settler. From what I’m seeing in the streets, that totally checks out. I can’t think of a time that I’ve seen an insanely hot couple, it’s either the girl or the guy. But I’m sure they all have great personalities.

 

Tuesday, August 28

Tonight, I’m going to shoot with one of my friends after work and I’m so excited!!! I’ve never had a friend taking pictures of me, it kinda makes me nervous. I guess I don’t want to look stupid when I try different poses (even though – let’s admit it – I only have three). But when there’s the possibility that someone who I’ve seen in a private setting will have so much more ground to judge me on, it just kinda terrifies me. And that’s the reason why I’ve asked this friend in particular, he’s the least judging person I know. On the contrary, he’s probably one of the kindest. And since he has a creative background, I’m sure he’ll be able to give some valuabe input.

I was not mistaken, the photos are BOMB! I just love them! Plus, the shoot was super quick, wee did everything in just one hour. Which means we had plenty of  time to sit down, have a drink and chat. It was a great night. And I found out that we have so much more in common than I’d expected. I guess I’ve found myself a new photographer and I’m very happy about that!

 

Wednesday, August 29

It’s my day off! I had the coolest dream last night, it was some sort of follow-up to my last creepy dream. But this time, the Kardashians weren’t in it. I was in the desert and the setting had some major GoT vibes. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much of that dream, but I remember that I was with other people from my “tribe” and again, it was a war situation. So we were trying to move across the desert without being seen by others. That’s probably why we were all covered from head to toe. I was wearing a hijab and also a wide dress that covered everything. If you’re as obsessed with dreams as I am, I should probably mention that everything I was wearing was white and gold. We where riding along on our camels and then we got to this tavern. We had a break from our ride and were about to sit down and order something to eat and drink, when in that exact moment, we noticed a former member of our group. Her name was Valentina, she wanted to be on her own shortly after she became a part of our group. And now we were seeing her there in that tavern. It was a nice surprise, at least for me, since I hadn’t expected to see her again. (just for the record, I don’t know any Valentina irl.) She had a bunch of jewelry laid out in front ot her, I guess that’s how she made a living – it was amazing actually. Lots of gold and gemstones, everything you could want. Suddenly, while we were looking at the jewelry, new people arrived to the tavern. It was people from the troops we were trying to escape. Of course, they as well came closer to have a look at Valentina’s collection. She took the time to show every item, and that’s when I noticed that most of her fingers on the right hand were missing. She only had her thumb and her index finger, the rest was obviously missing and covered in a bandage. In my dream, having only a certain amount of fingers means that you’re part of an alternative tribe. Valentina must have joined them while she was crossing the desert on her own. In this alternative tribe, getting your fingers chopped off is some sort of passage. Or if you want to become part of the tribe, a form of hazing where you do the sacrifice, but can’t be sure if you’ll be accepted as a new tribe member. In that case, it was the same tribe the soldiers belonged to.
All that time, I was really worried for the soldiers to find out who we were. If they’d known we’re fleeing, they’d probably done whatever horrible crime you can imagine. But in this dream, they were so distracted by Valentina’s jewelry, they didn’t even care. They even forgot that we were there and so they let us go.
Compared to having blood spilled over me, that’s a pretty good outcome. But I did wonder  how it was possible that a relatively small amount of gold and precious stones distracted them so much that they totally forgot what they were looking for in the first place. Unfortunately, I woke up before anything happened. I hope there’ll be another episode coming soon.

 

Thursday, August 28

I spent almost the entire day watching Refinery29 videos and Try Living With Lucie. I’m getting a little obsessed with the latter and I kinda wanna be friends with Lucie. Is it weird that I wanna be friends with people I only “know” from reality tv or youtube?
Sometimes, when I walk in the streets and I see people who are wearing a great outfit or just look really pretty, I always feel the urge to run up to them and yell “Let’s be best friends!” I wonder what their reactions were if I really did that. Maybe I should start making videos where I do exactly that. Then I could also include asking girls about their boobs. As you may know from one of my previous posts, I’m not exactly happy with the shape of my boobs and sometimes, I think about having them reduced/remodeled. And so now, whenever I see girls with nice boobs, I often feel like asking them “Where did you get those?”. And then, I have to remind myself that A) it probably isn’t considered polite to ask strangers about their body parts an B) I can’t purchase nature. Argh.

 

Friday, August 29

I’m soooo happy that I only have a short day at work. It’s insane how freaking loud kids can be. I’m pretty sure the noise today could be compared to the noise on a construction site. It’s unnerving. And I don’t understand parents who can raise such kids, or how they deal with them at home. I would immediately sign them up for a tour in Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory if I was them. Speaking of other people’s kids, sometimes I think of how they could turn out in a couple of years from now. So for example there was one mother who came in with her sons and they were not completely annoying but clearly had troubles listening to their mom. Still, they were acting a little shy, but that probably was because they were in a doctor’s office. And I thought, “Not too long until that little boy that’s probably super cute with his mom right now will send out dick pics and turn into a total douche.”

 

Saturday, September 1st and Sunday, September 2nd

My weekend was rather lazy, so there’s really not much to tell. I went out to look for new locations to shoot at and found a whole bunch. I’m pretty happy about that and really can’t wait. I’m just starting to worry about the weather getting colder and so I’m already slightly panicking about what I’ll do once winter is coming. I hate being cold.

A part from that, I watched some more videos of my new best friend Lucie and then tried to get my room organized. I hate how much stuff I have. There’s a large pile of clothes I want to donate, but right now, it’s just been sitting in a corner for the last two months. Also, the amount of books and magazines I have is ridiculous! I’ll probably do a HUGE clean out sesh pretty soon.

So that was my week. Maybe I should try out something Lucie did on her channel just to change things up a little. I should probably start with sticking to my plan and really write into my agenda every single day, and maybe draw a little something as well. But for now, I’m headed to bed. Good night!

 

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #2

Posessed kids and creepy dreams..

Monday, August 20

Shit, shit shit, I can’t believe I overslept! It’s 9:30am, I should’ve been at work over an hour ago! I have to stop turning off my alarm in my sleep. But then I also should stop calling vodka my best friend, because that’s the real reason I overslept.
Fortunately, it wasn’t a big deal, fortunately. Everyone was happy I showed up after all.

Tuesday, August 21 

Dear Cat,

today was a normal workday. I fortunately arrived on time this morning (I was really freaking out about switching off my alarm again). But it’s not even been really busy. So I’m starting to learn how to do the medical screenings, which means that I’m basically just sheepishly standing around while others do their job. Btw, this job has helped me so much with not being afraid of awkwardness. Most of the time, I actually just or sit somewhere, not doing anything useful (because I’m still new at this, of course). And it doesn’t even bother me. I hope this not-bothering-me will help me a lot when I become a journalist.
So today, we did a screening of a 4yo kid. One part of the screening is having them draw stuff, in this case a human being. Then we count how many body parts the kid has drawn and evaluate its intelligence based on that. (Imo, that’s total bs. Most of the kids are just annoyed by having to spend time at the doctor’s. Of course they’re not going to draw anything – they wanna get out of there!) The kid we saw today drew a perfect Tim Burton figure. It looked super strange and almost as if she was possessed. In fact, instead of a human, she drew a little demon there. I absolutely loved it! And even though she didn’t draw feet or a neck, she passed the test. I think she should go to art school.

Wednesday, August 22

Dear Cat,

tonight, I had the weirdest dream. It was finally one of my consecutive dreams, which I always find very entertaining. They’re like mini-series of (sometimes creepy) nonsense. So tonight, was the third episode of a dream where I’m in the main building of my university, but it looks much more mysterious and more like a castle than irl. (Even the real one is quite castle-y.) And so I found this floor which is actually a cul-de-sac, but it has a women’s restroom (which isn’t labelled as such tho). With me are the Kardashians, at least Kim, Kourtney and Khloé, and Kourtney has her daughter Penelope with her. While we’re in the castle, there’s a huge medieval fight going on. It’s like a slaughterhouse in there and so obviously, we try to get out of there without being seen. Also with us is a character that looks like The Hound from GoT. He’s wearing the same kind of armour and is probably twice my height. In addition to his sword, he also uses a huge iron belt to smash people’s heads.
So we make our way through the castle, but when we get to the cul-de-sac, Kourtney suddenly stops because Penelope has to pee. So Kourtney and her wanna stop to use the “secret” ladie’s room. And I’m thinking something like: “Well then they might get trapped and if we continue our path, we probably won’t be able to help them.” But since I’m (subtle brag right here) ALWAYS lucid dreaming, my conscious me is telling me “No, we can deal with a being-trapped-situation later. Let’s see what happens next, first.” And so my dream-me is like “OK, go ahead, you’ll catch up with us.”, then turns around to The Hound and we’re leaving, still trying to get out of the castle as fast as possible. We make it to the gardens. And Kourtney and Penelope even manage to meet us there. However, they didn’t notice that they were followed and soon, we have an entire army of scary folks around us. Of course, The Hound is trying to protect us, but someone of the evil army grabs his iron belt from him, using it to tie him against a fence. And since I was trying to hide behind The Hound, I indirectly get tied to the fence as well, unable to move.
Again, it’s a war situation.  So the scary dude uses the situation to smack The Hound’s  head, over and over again. Blood is everywhere, quite a lot dropping on me as well. The Hound finnally breaks down and I’m thinking “OK, now it’s probably my turn to die.”. But then the scary dude abruptly stops and tells me I’m free to go, because his folks treat women right.
End of dream.

I wake up the second it was over. It was only the second dream I had in my entire entire life, where someone actually died in front of me. (I had only one other where the feeling of being helpless was stressed that much. That other dream was of a terrorist bus kidnap where I was on the bus as well. The terrorists would then scalp otheres alive.)

Yeah, most of my dreams are pretty dark. Maybe part of the reason is that I used to live next to a graveyard when I was a kid. We were so close, I could hear the sound of the bone mill.

Thursday, August 23

Dear Cat,

today, I took this quiz on Buzzfeed that told me if I’m gonna get rich based on which eye shadow palette I choose. I love money and I love eye shadow, that quiz was made for me! In my first round, my result was “You’re going to be filthy rich”. (I hope that’s true!) This was the result when I clicked on the palettes that mostly included nude tones. I then took the quiz again, this time choosing more colorful palettes. And my new result was “You have zero dollars”. Which is accurate bc I live in the EU, but I still prefer “filthy rich. So obviously, it’s the colors that make you be successful or not. I mean think of Kim Kardashian and the eye shadow she’s wearing. Have you ever seen her wearing any flashy colors (except maybe blue)? Exactly, you haven’t. Kim chooses nude colors. So the  lesson I learned from this: Nudes will boost your career!

Friday, August 24

Dear Cat,

today has been a normal work day, nothing special. Tonight, we had an open house, but it was really quick. I’m just hanging out since, watching Bachelor in Paradise. Is it normal that I’m that obsessed with this show? I got beyond excited when I saw who’s going to be in Paradise this year, it’s crazy. And I’d actually love to be friends with some of them. I’m a huuuge fan of Jordan, I think he’s extremely funny. And I’d love to meet Benoît who seems super sweet. I think I’d really get along with Ashley I. and Corinne – of course! –  who were in the former seasons. (And I’d totally date Thomas from the Bachelorette Canada where Jasmine was the Bachelorette. Still don’t understand why she let him go.)

Saturday, August 25

Dear Cat,

today was shit. I didn’t follow the at-least-2-real-meals-plan my therapist gave me. I made it a 0-real-meal-plan instead. The problem probably was that I didn’t work out. When I work out, my mood is so much better. But right now, all I wanna do is write and feel this gigantic pit inside of me, like if all of my organs were squished together, leaving nothing but a paper thin surface. Also, why can’t humans function like plants? I wouldn’t have any of this trouble if our existence was build on sunlight and water.

I’ll still use this day and do something useful. So I asked a friend if he’d agree to take some photos and he said yes. So in order to find a good location, I had a great walk through the city. There are so many cool places, I’m pretty excited! Plus, I saw a few items I really loved at H&M (seriously, they should sponsor me! I usually wear nothing but H&M). So I think the shoot will be pretty great and I’m really looking forward to it.

I also discovered a new series, or should I say documentary? It’s pretty cool. In case you wanna check it out, it’s called Hollywood Love Story.

Sunday, August, 26

Today is weird. I feel totally empty (haha guess why *eyeroll*), but not only physically, but also emotionally. My brain feels like mush, it seems like I’m not even able to have a single normal thought. Which is kinda nice, it’s like instead of noise, there’s a moment of silence. Maybe that’s why I’m mia, bc it always has that effect on me – a moment of total silence in my head. It feels like I’m floating in an eternal cloud of nothingness. And even though I’m no use for anything today, thinking and feeling absolutely nothing feels kinda good.

Later today: Watching some more Hollywood Love Story. Damn, this is addictive! And kinda saddening. I know I’m sounding super cheesy right now, but everyone who’s interviewed in this documentary seems almost innocent. And then you see them confronted with all the struggles they have to face while trying to make it in the entertainment industry. Some of them are (former) sex workers and I’m super impressed by their attitudes. That reminds me of a tweet I saw earlier this month. It was about the ban on certain sex acts in British porn. Btw, they banned female ejaculation. Like wtf Britain???? Anyway, it was the smartest 280 characters ever, I should it saved it somehow. Anyway, I’ve read so many blogposts and articles, listened to podcasts all published by sex workers and every time, I just think they’re the smartest people with incredible emotional intelligence.

Somehow, I’m just thinking of one of my teachers. He was my English teacher and a pretty cool guy, one of my favorite teachers. Though, he was the type of person you either love or hate. A few of my classmate’s parents were teachers as well, at the same school, and so there were a few rumors about all the teacher’s private life. If you can trust the rumors, my favorite English teacher was a part time photographer and loved to take nudes. I remember that everyone was at least a little outraged by that, but I never got why. So he likes to shoot nudes, so what?? Especially because he was never, never inappropiate in any way at school (I also think that he must’ve been fun to work with). Let people be freaks, dammit!

 

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #1

As I announced on insta, I will now try to give you a weekly peek in my life. Stuff I’d write into a diary aka your weekly dose of voyeurism. After I’ve seen a youtube video of a girl who purchased someone else’s diaries, I was reminded that that was something I always wanted to do: buying and reading someone’s diaries. I only didn’t because I was afraid I couldn’t read the handwriting. And since I can’t be the only weirdo who loves to get to know way too much about other people, I thought I’d include a section here on the blog. It’ll also force me to keep writing in  my diary on a daily basis – which I don’t really do any more even though I want to. Just to flip through it five years later, being embarrassed by how stupid I was. And now you’ll be able to witness this all the embarassment, isn’t that fun? So here goes…

 

Monday, August 13

Dear diary, no I’m just kidding. Is there anyone who really starts writing into their diary like that? I never did that, not even as a teenager. Maybe I should go with something like “Dear Dick”, except that I would have to change the name or mark it as an ad or something. And I usually don’t stay in contact with dicks. I also don’t know anyone called Richard. Also, I should probably continue reading that book (I love Dick), I mean there must have been something that caused that hype, I mean besides the title, obvi. Maybe I should stick to Dear diary for now, since I can’t think of another name. Or maybe I can get my first imaginary friend to write to. So what would my imaginary friend’s name be? Pete maybe. Oh no, that won’t work. One of my friend’s name is Pete, I’d feel bad if I dumped everything my brain comes up with on him. I got a better idea, it’ll be Cat. I love cats, especially the bald ones, and Cat can also be a name. So dear Cat it is.

 

Tuesday, August 14

Dear Cat, sorry I didn’t say much yesterday, I was really busy working. It’s been only a couple of days that I’m working as an assistant in a pediatrician’s office, but it feels like I’ve been there for ages. Probably because there’s so many things to learn. Did you know that when your brain gets tired, days seem longer? That’s why as a kid, waiting for Christmas seemed like an eternity, whereas as an adult, you’re like “Wait, how come this year’s already over?” . It’s because as a kid, you get new impressions everyday, but as an adult, there’s barely something really new happening in your life. All there is is routine. And almost no one seems to have any real hobbies besides Netflix (and chill, if you’re lucky). Tbh, I still don’t understand why we have to become adults, except maybe for drinking alcohol. Hanging out on a beach doing nothing all day sounds perfect to me. Why don’t we all go and do that? Of course, economy, blabla. But we created economy, so maybe we can come up with a more fun system. One where everyone owns a yacht that provides endless amounts of champaign? I’d be in:

 

Wednesday, August 15

Today’s my day off. It feels like weekend to me, probably because things at the doctor’s office are still new and exciting, so my brain takes more time processing all that information, making two days seem like a week. I actually think that my work has made me so much more compassionate. Seeing and slightly getting to know people who have a fucked up life puts everything in a whole new perspective. And I’m getting really good with being patiient (not my strong suit), because my boss is quite particular and seems to have LOOOOOOTS of prejudices. I blame the age, but still, I’m getting some real good exercise in just saying “Hmmm.” and ignoring stuff like “People who get that many piercings must be self-destructive.”.

 

Thursday, August 16

It feels like Sunday, only because I’ve been on a two day break before working again. I’m spending the day at the pool, getting a tan. But I have a late shift today, only for 3 hours. But that’ll be quick. I’ll deal with patients who got to the office because of emergencies, it’ll be interesting.

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In fact no. People don’t know the difference between emergency and No one gives a shit. Tonight, we had so many who came in for literally nothing. The only interesting things were a wasp bite and a guy who ran through a glass door. (No idea how you do that without realizing you’re running through a glass door, but that’s what he did. Several cuts here and there, but really lucky in general, bcause there was no bigger injury.)

 

Friday, August 17

Some more work, but just a short shift, I’m done at noon.  I make my mom take pictures of me for insta, I finally got some ney ideas for my feed. I start to feel more inspired, it’s been a while wince I haven’t felt that way. I think it’s because I’m bored. Boredom makes you creative. So yes to the boring life I have right now!

 

Saturday, August 18

It’s the weekend, that means I can drink! I self-imposed that rule  on me that I only drink on weekends. I want to get abs, so I have to pay attention to what I eat and how much I drink. But today, I can do whatever I want, yaaayyy. Side note, drinking always helps me with my writing, so I have a good reason to not stay sober. I’m listening to 90s music and writing a lot, it’s awesome! I also realize how badly I wanna work for Buzzfeed. (they think I’m 19, which is the best compliment ever.)

 

Sunday, August 19

Today has been cool, I wrote some stuff, been on insta, took a few pics and just relaxed. I also thought about my previous posts on social media and where I’d wanna go, and even though I don’t have a concrete idea, I feel like I’m finding myself little by little. When I think of how I was a few years back and then compare it to how I am now, I don’t understand why I haven’t been more assertive and more of a pita earlier. Being nice doesn’t get you anywhere. You have to be you, with all the flaws and annoying habits.

 

 

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