Category Archives: Dating

Dating

RomComs fucked me up

I’ve been on a few dates lately. In the past two weeks, I met more people than during the entire last year. And that’s great, I don’t want to complain. I just can’t help it.

I’m in my early thirties now and while I’m seeing friends getting married and having babies, I still haven’t managed to stay with a person for more than a couple of months. For some reason, I haven’t met my true soulmate or my one true love yet.
I can already see eyes rolling at the mention of soulmates and The One. I know, I know, there’s hopefully more than just one person for everyone out there. But I haven’t even met any of the other Ones, even though I’ve come very close a few times. But I guess it was never meant to be, or otherwise I’d still be with one of the nonetheless fantastic guys I’ve been with. And so I naturally start wondering if I’m just too difficult to handle or to connect with, if my expectations are too high, or if it’s my generation that has lost all capacity of creating meaningful relationships. I’m not including the people who I know are in very committed long-term relationships, but from our conversations, I’m sure they’d be more than unhappy if they had to go back to dating and trying to find a partner. (Somewhat unrelated, but not really: If there’s no wood around, does it count to knock on a dildo? I’m asking for a friend.)

Usually, I know right off the bat if I want to get to know someone. And I’m using ‘want to get to know’ as a synonym to ‘become obsessed’ here. My very first boyfriend was someone I immediately fell in love with before we even spoke. He was a bartender and I just saw him doing his thing and knew instantly that I wanted to be with him.

It was almost like a meet cute. After having a seemingly endless debate in my head about how to best start a conversation, I decided to give him my number the moment I ordered another round of cocktails. I was so nervous, I felt like I was dying. But he texted me the same night, and it all was worth it.
We had our first date the evening after. He came to pick me up with his motorcycle and after cruising around the beautifully lit city of Paris, he took me to the Eiffel Tower where we had our very first kiss. It was magical. And it didn’t even matter that it was so foggy that night that we didn’t see much of the city.

I was fortunate enough to have had other magical first dates. Funnily, they all were in Paris. After I moved back to Germany, there was no more magic. Which I can understand to a certain point, there’s no Eiffel Tower in Germany. But I never got this feeling that someone wanted to impress me. Or took the time to show me they’re truly interested.

I’m not saying that there haven’t been any romantic gestures. One guy for example took me on a late night picnic near the river. And of course, taking a bath together is always amazing. But that’s something that I’d do pretty much every day.

I love grand gestures. If I’m fighting with someone I care about, I don’t care what I say, I want them to fight for me. Maybe that’s toxic af, but I guess that’s the part where me being brainwashed by romcoms comes in. I want a guy to show me that they care, no matter what. Perhaps that’s why, in contrast to my friends, I was intrigued by the guy who just kept texting me for TWO YEARS, after I’d blocked him, he started texting me again after he got a new number. And that time, I didn’t block him, and now we’re seeing each other, and it’s wonderful. Also, he’s a Scorpio…

And still, I’m waiting for that deep emotional longing to kick in. I mean, I appreciate our time, but I just want to experience the feeling of love at the first sight. I want this instant connection that is portrayed in movies. And even though I used to make fun of Bruno Mars, I want to feel a love where I’m actually willing to catch a grenade for someone (and know that they’d do the same).

Even though I have loved in the past, I’m pretty sure I would not have sacrificed my life for them. And I don’t know if that’s smart or if I’m cold-hearted. And then again, how much can you actually love someone after only a few months?

What probably doesn’t make things easier is that I never experienced the puppy love some teenagers get to experience. As far as I know, nobody was even remotely interested in me until I was 18. And then, the only kind of dating I did was with someone who was more or less double my age. And it was only in his car. (I’m just leaving that here, but yes, I know that that’s a whole different level of fucked up as well.)

So I guess it’s no surprise that I’m craving a relationship like you can see on certain Tumblr pages. You know, the photos that are only slightly pornographic but show a lot of intimacy and passion. And I want that in my everyday life as well. I want a guy who lights a thousand candles to set the perfect atmosphere, who just grabs me to give me a massage without expecting anything in return, who keeps telling me how happy he is to be with me. And of course, I’d do the same.

In fact, that’s what I’ve done in the past. But instead of any kind of effort, I get texts like “You up?”.

So I guess that after all, I will die alone. Or with my twenty cats and my collection of toys.

PS: If you’re someone I dated in the past reading this, know that I cherish the time we spent together. I still don’t wanna get back together, but I love you and wish you all the best.

Standard
Dating

Heartbreak

Where to start… This is a subject that you can hear in every other pop song, it’s probably as old as humanity, and I’m sure people are a little sick of hearing about it. And yet, we don’t get any wiser, nor are we any better equipped when it comes to heartbreak.

As you have already noticed, I’m using this blog as a substitute for my therapy sessions, since once a week is definitely not enough for me, so I just need an additional outlet for my emotions, in the form of talking about very personal stuff to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

What has preoccupied my mind the last couple of days, weeks, even months, has been the last relationship I was in. I’m not even sure if I can call it a relationship, the guy who I was seeing was definitely not on the same page as I. He’d probably call me a “good friend”.

When I really like someone, I’m all in. I’d marry that person in a heartbeat. If I lived in Vegas, people at A Little White Wedding Chapel would probably know me even better than my wine guy. So not only would they know my personal data by heart, but they’d also know which song to play and which kind of bouquet I like. I’m not sure if Las Vegas chapels offer this kind of service, but in my fantasy, they’d also have the number of my wine guy to be ready with my favorite bubbly and wine. They’d know me pretty damn well for a stranger. I’d probably be there every (other) week. Because unfortunately, most people don’t like to move as fast as I do. And the guy I’ve been pretty much obsessed with this year doesn’t seem to want to move at all, at least not with me. And since aren’t complicated enough between us already (we have very different styles of communication and very different expectations), we don’t seem to be compatible in any way.

I’d love to know why my brain is playing these tricks on me. I mean, why can’t I let go of something and someone that I know won’t fulfill any of my needs? Besides chemistry, there’s not that much to it, to be completely honest. And still, I’m holding on to what we had and trying to navigate how a future could look like, even though I’m very sure it won’t be a future together. I know that he would probably never fully commit to me, which is an awful feeling. And it makes me second guess myself. Am I enough? Am I toxic? Am I too clingy?

Rationally I know that a relationship, a fling, or even a booty call are not supposed to make you feel this way. I’ve even had plenty of circumstances where I was proven that I’m worthy of being pursued, that there are men out there who do want to spend every minute, even second of their life with me. I just recently met up with someone who pursued me for two years. Even when I didn’t react, he didn’t stop. And no, I’m not glorifying stalkers or ignoring boundaries. The reason I ignored him first was that we didn’t seem to have a good connection first, I only later learned that my first impression of him was based on a misunderstanding. Through his messages, he showed me a side of him that I found charming and intriguing. And when we finally met up, we did have great chemistry. And still, it’s not the same as with the one person I can’t have. I guess it’s an Aries thing, and I wish I could get over it. Instead, I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with me. That’s probably why I picture my future life with 20 sphynx cats instead of a significant other. It just seems more realistic that way. I wouldn’t even mind if my cats have a nibble of my face once I die, so even if they’re just in my imagination for now, I already have a much deeper love for them than anybody has had for me, seemingly. So why not plan a future together? For better, for worse, in sickness and health, in life and death.

And while I’m thinking that I wish that I had a better ending to this post (which is more of a pity party than anything), I just remembered an Instagram post that stated that we all have three kinds of love. Puppy love, toxic love, and THE ONE. I feel like I’m just getting over the toxic love right now (for multiple reasons, which I won’t discuss here), and that gives me hope. Also, I’ve only read today on Reddit that some people find their soulmates when astral projecting. So I guess there’s still hope. Or not. I’m also fine with not having a nose.

Standard
Dating, Just blogging

Dating & money

This is a topic that has been thoroughly discussed with my friends and that doesn’t seem to get old. It’s an ongoing debate what to do with the check when at a bar, café or restaurant. I’m writing from my hetero perspective, and I have absolutely no clue how this is handled in other dating situations. But I’ve often experienced some kind of awkwardness when it comes to paying. Should the guy pay, should I offer to pay my part? I have to admit that it never crossed my mind to pay for both of us on a first date, except if I’m the one who chose the location. But I usually prefer letting the guy take the initiative. Not because I’m lazy or because I’m a greedy bitch, but because I’m looking for someone who’s assertive and invested in me. But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s get to the story first.

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a guy who I’m pretty much into. Or at least, I’m pretty much into the potential thing that we could have if we start seeing each other on a regular level. So far, we’ve only hung out four times since July, and most of the time, I initiated the contact. It annoys me, but I also don’t have a problem with going for what or who I want, even though I would of course prefer being pursued from time to time instead of doing all the pursuing myself. Just for the record, I’m not harassing anyone who’s not that into me, and I’m only hitting a guy up that often before I accept that I won’t get any or not enough investment in return and leave it at that.

So when we went on a date that other day, I don’t even know how many weeks had passed since we’d last seen each other. Two at the very least, although we had both mentioned that we’re indeed both very enthusiastic about continuing to see each other. And even though I’m not thrilled about that I’m obviously not that worthy of his time, I chose to ignore this massive red flag. Besides, I have no problem being by myself, I hate most people anyway *Sagittarius rising*. Although now, it’s getting to the point where I’m almost like “whatever” when we actually hang out. And thinking about how the last date went down actually has my blood boiling.

When we were planning the date, he suggested that we go to a bar in his area, and that’s what we did. We had one round of drinks, Gin & Tonic for him, wine spritzer for me. He asked me if we should go to a different bar after, which we did, and he paid for the first round. When we arrived at the second bar (which he also chose), we had a short convo about if we’d pay by card or cash. Neither of us had much cash with us, and that was when he also mentioned that he had a rather tight budget for drinks. I think I said that I could get the second round, but then he wanted to pay by card and have me give him the cash, which was fine by me. We had the same drinks again, and I think that I should mention here that his was actually double the price of mine. However, I gave him the money for the second round as we had discussed. I actually didn’t even think about it. But where it gets really interesting is that we then stopped by a bodega where he got a third drink. (I didn’t want anything.) And I’m really confused: So he had no budget for the drinks he chose to have at the bars he knows and suggested, has me pay more than I would have actually needed to, but still needs to buy something for the road even though that would also be out of his budget???

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here or if I’m petty, but in my opinion, if you can’t afford to take someone out barhopping, then you don’t. There are many other things that are cheap but still make a fun date. Like feeding ducks. And you especially don’t claim that you’re on a tight budget and can’t pay for an additional glass of wine, but yet have the money to get something from the bodega.

As I mentioned, I didn’t think about all this at the moment, especially because, opposed to the impression you may get from this post, I generally don’t think that much about money. I think it’s a stupid construct that humans developed to serve us, just to have us become slaves to it. So I also don’t really care who pays for what as long as things are fair. But I guess what really frustrates me in this case here is that the guy who has already shown me that he’s not overly generous with his time for me also can’t be bothered to literally invest in an evening with me, even though he clearly has the means, but rather gives me some bullshit explanation.

The worst thing is, I don’t even know if I should or would want to address it. I mean, even though highly unlikely, it could be that I’m pissed for no good reason and that it was just a miscommunication. But firstly, I’m also very non-confrontational and secondly, I don’t believe that a conversation would do much, except for me feeling stupid for arguing about money. So I guess my only option here is to see and wait how things play out in the next couple of weeks before I decide whether or not I should dump his ass.

In any case, you will get an update. In the meanwhile, I’ll be happy to read what you think about all this. Am I the overanalyzing asshole here? How do you handle money issues during the very first stages of dating?

Standard
https://www.highsnobiety.com/p/valentines-day-gifts-under-50/
Dating

Happy Valentine’s.

Oh hey, it’s this time of the year again. The one “holiday” that creeps up on you like that weird uncle you try to avoid at family reunions. It’s Valentine’s Day!

To be honest, I’m feeling pretty indifferent towards Valentine’s Day. It’s a little like New Year’s Eve. After you’ve had a ton of expectations that were never met, you sooner or later end up being happy with some booze and a box of noodles and falling asleep at 10pm. Valentine’s is exactly the same. I think the last time I was let’s say somewhat hopeful someone might send me a card was when I was 14 – naive, with braces and a chubby face. Of course, back then, the guys my age weren’t exactly effigies of Greek gods, so I have to admit that my disappointment was very limited when no one asked me “Will you be my Valentine?”. After that, I stopped caring. And I would probably even forget about the date if other women (the cliché seems to be true for some, unfortunately) didn’t talk about their non-existing plans.

Cliché aside, I have as many female friends who (are not single and) absolutely hate this day, claiming it’s way too commercial, and they don’t need a special day to remind them of doing something romantic for their significant other. I never really agreed with that. I mean of course it’s commercial af. But so is literally any other holiday. And yet, I never heard anyone bashing Christmas.
Also, who says you have to buy into the whole flowers, chocolate, dinner bullshit instead of simply viewing Valentine’s Day as the opportunity to plan an extra date night and simply make time for someone you love? And when it comes to romance, I’m not convinced that many people in long term relationships make that much time for it. Even people who are not in a relationship could probably be a little more expressive and tell their loved ones more often that they’re grateful they’re there.

That’s why I send out Happy Valentine’s messages to family and friends, even though it may seem a little weird. But then again, how often do we tell people close to us that we’re happy to have them in our lives? Though I’m not sending out cheesy stuff like this last phrase, I prefer awkward gifs.

Other than that, I always use February 14 to treat myself. Just because I like getting stuff. So I went shopping and bought a bunch of skincare products today (I’m not in a relationship, but I still wanna stay fuckable).

And to my surprise, I saw lots of guys carrying flowers. Flowers! In a day and age that seems to be determined by swiping and dick pics. Now isn’t that romantic?

Standard
Dating

Dealing with a fuckboy

I’ve done quite a bit of online dating in the last couple of years. Most of the time, I felt like it was not worth the hassle – I would go on dates and think: “I put on a bra for this???”; and only sometimes, it was intriguing, not always in a good way though.

So one of the good times were when I met up with someone smart involved in the fashion industry. We had quite a few things in common and I liked his approach on life – not a goody two-shoes at all, which I liked a lot. We had awesome conversations, about everything and nothing and I felt great to see that I’m not the only one with a twisted mind.

However, I soon noticed that there was a price to all the excitement, great conversation, and general coolness, because in his core, that guy was still a child.

After date 2, it became impossible to actually make plans. It would be like “Let’s meet up next Saturday”, but then when I wouldn’t hear a peep for the weeks(!) to come. Not even the original date was confirmed. It was highly annoying. Until I started making plans nonetheless, and then I got like a 20/80 chance that my date would remember that we had a date. LOL. Typical fuckboy.

At first, I was kinda upset by this, no likes to be stood up. I mean just imagine the level of entitlement necessary to think that another person is pretty much there to your disposal – without being a sex worker. (I honestly think that if the fuckboy hired a sex worker, that would be so much more noble.- He’d get to jerk off with no restrictions, and they’d make some money, without feeling used. Wouldn’t that be great? It wouldn’t be like one of those Tinder meetups, where one party is always expecting more than being a human Fleshlight for the other person. No it would be way more respectful, more real, even more natural than that.)

But girls, don’t put up with fuckboys, they’re not worth your time.

So how do you recognize fuckboys?

Well they make promises they can’t keep. They only make non-binding plans that can change any minute. They will ditch you in a second if anything “better” is waiting up around the corner. They’re only there for the attention you give them, the fun, the feeling that they’re oh so cool. They couldn’t care less about you as a person, you’re just a mirror to reflect their supposed awesomeness. And they’re sure not down for any sort of commitment. In short: They’re just a bunch of douches inconsiderate of your time and just not worth it.

So how not getting involved? The only general rule that helps most with not getting involved with a fuckboy is to stay yourself – only do the things that you want to do, and don’t put up with disrespectful behavior. You don’t have time for this. Don’t be a doormat. Simply stay true to yourself – that’s the biggest power you’ll ever have.

Standard
Dating

Dating sober

It’s been a while since I wanted to write this article, actually since I listened to an episode of This Is Why You’re Single where they discussed the exact same topic.

So for everyone who doesn’t know my background: I’m from East Germany, where people drink a lot. Then I lived in France, where people drink a lot. During that time, I worked in a bar, where we used to drink a lot. And then I moved back to Germany, worked at a bar and got re-engaged with a student’s initiative where we do an exchange program with France – and of course, drink a lot. So as you can maybe tell, I’m not the perfect candidate for dating without booze. In fact, I’ve always dreaded it. I mean, no matter where you live, if you’re really not lucky with the weather and if you’ve already brought your date to all the places where you can play darts/bowling/table tennis/ minigolf, there are not that many options left. Well, there’s the movies, but going to the movies on a date is like already telling your date that you rather won’t hear them talking and are only willing to meet them in the dark. Not so great. Then there’s the museum. Oh sorry, I was kidding. I guess I don’t even have to talk about going to the theater/ a poetry slam/ anything in a shabby basement where you’ll either get murdered or endure a horrible date.

The only cultural activity on my list of possible places for a date would be a comedy show. Just to make sure that my date had the same twisted humour as I do.

However, all of these activities are so much better when drunk. Especially the (pseudo-)cultural stuff. I remember when I went on a date watching the latest Hangover movie. I brought tiny bottles of wine which we snuck in, and I just got trashed. It was awesome. (L’abus d’acool est dangereux pour la santé.)

However, as much as I love the mind enhancing liquid, I’ve had a few sober dates, lately, which was nice, just to change things up a little.

No seriously, it was really nice to feel more in control. Not that I don’t usually feel this way, but there’s still a difference between the sober me and the me who’s had a few glasses. For the record, without the booze, I’m also probably more of a critic. So the fact that the dates went well is actually pretty surprising to me.

However, having to plan a sober date is suuuuper tough. I mean where would you go? The shitty theater or poetry slam only gets funny with booze – as does the weird art exhibit. You can’t check out the latest, most hyped cocktail bar, because it’s a cocktail bar. And going to café just seems like badly spent money.

To me, the only options you can do with anyone anytime are dinner and brunch. If only I didn’t have a ton of food allergies. Besides, who does brunch without having mimosas?

So, even though I acknowledge the advantages of sober dating – wait, did I say advantages? No, it’s just one advantage. Your ability of correctly assessing a situation will maybe be more accurate. (Depending on your general ability to connecting with people.) But yeah, that’s pretty much it. Also, seeing people drunk reveals an awful lot about their personalities. I’d say get your date shitfaced.

Verdict: There’s no point of dating sober. (Unless if you’re a former alcoholic of course.) Let your freak out! You only live once.

Standard
Dating

The Front Porch Test

If you’ve watched How I Met Your Mother, you probably know Lily’s Front Porch Test. If you don’t, go watch it right now, because you’re missing a huge part of pop culture and also a great deal of life advice. Honestly, even after rewatching every episode at least 4 times, I can’t argue that pretty much everything in the show is somewhat applicable to my life. Well, except maybe the goat and getting injured by my friends.

Anyway, there’s this one episode that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, it’s The Front Porch Test. If you haven’t seen the show (watch it!): The Front Porch Test is basically an estimation of how well your date will integrate themselves into your group of friends and how well they will interact with them. The ideal is that the entire group grows old together and spends fun afternoons together playing a fictive card game on someone’s front porch.

Also, two of my closest friends are getting married this year, and so thinking of who would be fun and suitable enough to bring to the wedding has become my very own Front Porch Test. No one wants to look at photos and say, “Oh, there’s the […] people I love most in the world. And Bob.” So now I try to imagine who would be a great wedding date (even if I won’t bring a date – I’m writing this for the bride to be and who’s probably been like “Wtf, you’re not getting a + one!” this past minute. I love you. :*)

So as you guessed, similar to the show, my friends and I are super tight. And for some outsiders, we may come across as this weird community with funny rules that don’t match conventional ways. Sometimes, we joke about creating a cult which promotes an alternative lifestyle, similar to some in the 70s. In short, we’re a weird but very loving and loyal little bunch and especially during this last year, I’ve realized that my friends truly are my second family, as cliché as that sounds.

However, I also know that our group dynamic might not be for everyone and that some people would probably feel a little overwhelmed. And so with that in mind, whenever I was on a date, I started trying to imagine what would happen if I threw my date into this group.

Most of the time, things have ended way before the question of meeting the other person’s friends has even come up. But for the other times, it’s been interesting to watch. Though, I’d say that except for one, most of them managed rather meeehhh – which wasn’t a good sign, of course.

Sometimes, I imagine having people meet my friends who probably won’t be that comfortable with their openness and absence of polite filters. And just for the sake of my own entertainment, I actually invite them to everything. But then I think of how well they would actually fit in the group, and let’s say that I’d rather be surprised if it was a good match.

Now that could be a very conclusive assessment about my personality and my romantic choices. But this text isn’t about me, at least not primarily, so fuck that – I’m perfect.

Yet, I haven’t really met anyone who was comfortable enough with my friends. And since they’re the greatest part of my life, I would never want to date anyone who doesn’t fit in our cute little special group.

Because in the end, if there’s no one to count on, you can always count on your friends.

Standard
Dating

Sexy talk

Quite recently, I had a conversation with a friend about what makes good sex. And the thing we agreed on – and which is also common knowledge tbh – was that communication is key. So far, so good. But how do you get there?

I couldn’t count the numbers of articles I’ve read on that subject. I mean I’ve been reading women’s magazines for more than a decade now. And though back then, some of them passed on rather outdated views (which they of course later rectified once people reme,bered feminism), there was one general advice: Just be open about what you want and what you don’t. And in theory, that’s great advice. But what do you do if you just have no clue how to address the subject at all? Or if you only know what you don’t like? I guess no one would be happy about hearing “No, not like that.” “Not like that either.” “Stop, that’s too…” and “Well, I’m sore now.”

Also, not all people are cool and open-minded, and not everyone has had the luxury of having people appreciate when you tell them what you like/dislike or even how you feel – not even if it’s in both of your interest. I was actually surprised how much shame people can feel about what turns them on: they’re afraid of being seen as perverts or gay or simply weirdos. (Somehow I thought only women have this problem of being super self-conscious, sometimes. Which is BS of course.) Also, I have a real question here: Since most of our sexual desires somewhat stem from childhood, aren’t we all weirdos? I mean what makes one thing weird and not another?

Anyway, when we talk about sex, I think that most of us believe that unless if it’s a random hookup, it should feel special and intimate. And as cliché as it sounds, maybe sex should be something you only have with a very special someone. But then again I’m sure everyone likes to think of themselves as special – though that doesn’t mean that they’re special for you. You might just find them meeehhh, and that’s ok, too.

However, it doesn’t matter if it’s just a hookup or something more serious, I always thought that saying what you want in bed can be a little daunting. Especially when it’s more serious. (If you already know that you’re never going to see that person again, who cares?) But tbh, I find it just as daunting even if I already know it’s nothing serious and nothing that’ll last. Have you ever found in the situation where you wonder “Is pulling hair ok?”, “How rough or gentle should I be?”, Is it ok if I don’t engage in oral sex immediately?” without really daring to ask a single one of these questions? Or am I the only neurotic person here?

We only learn about sex in theory. And though everything else would be super weird (hello ancient Greece), the fact that we don’t get any practice before actually practizing it is very annoying. There’s no chance to learn how it’s done but try and error. How frustrating is that? Especially since everything you thought you knew can change completely with a different partner. Besides, all of that kinda means you also have to know what you like yourself.

Some of the articles I read gave the advice to just “show your partner” what gets you going and just masturbate in front of them. In theory, that’s no bad advice. But in reality, how many people find it creepy if you watch them sleep? So what makes watching someone masturbate any better? Besides, I would feel like something private is being turned into a show where I need to perform. And guess what, it would do absolutely nothing for me. Instead, I’d think “Can he please cum from watching me so that I can be done with this?”

Btw, while I’m writing all this, well aware that I sound like the prudest prude who hates sex, I’m actually wondering how it’s possible that my subconscious seems to focus on the guy getting off. I mean with feminism being trending, there’s also a bunch of media which state that society focusses on the desires of hetero men / male ejaculation. And I never thought that I would fall into this pattern, but apparently I do. Or otherwise I wouldn’t have this “let’s get this over with”-mentality.

Though one important point is that I’m really tired of explaining things to people. Until recently, I worked as a tutor. The last thing I wanna do after finishing work is explaining to someone how to do stuff.

So, as a solution to all this, I guess I’ll just do some name dropping and mention Kenneth Play to everyone I’m getting involved with. (As for finding out about the guys preferences, their shyness never really lastet longer than the two minutes of saying “I don’t know, maybe you’ll find that weird/gay/perverse..”) And I will continue to listen to The Prude and the Pornstar and This is Why You’re Single.

Standard
Dating

Why period sex is fucking ok

Today, I I had this long conversation about comedy with a friend. It started by him sendning me a video of some dude making jokes about having sex with women who are on their period. I wasn’t having it.

And it wasn’t about the topic, really, everyone has the right to be grossed out by whatever they want. What I found problematic was the delivery. It’s some pathetic dude claiming to be a man because he hasn’t washed his sheets in 7 months, but a drop of menstrual blood is too much for him to handle. Seriously, why does that even make a comedy routine?

If you think about it, sex in itself is pretty disgusting. All these bodily fluids getting mixed up – and I’m not even thinking of anal here. OMG. It’s just a very wet and sometimes smelly business. From a purely reasonable point of view, people would probably not have sex. Because if you take out the “I’m hormy” part, it’s just not appealing. (Those who continue to watch porn after they cum might know what I’m talking about.)
But we have hormones and shit that keep us interested in icky stuff. And in my experience, that doesn’t change for when a woman is on her period.

I know lots of men who don’t mind at all if it’s that time of the month or not. Now that I think of it, I haven’t dated a single man who had a problem with having sex while me having my period. I took it more or less for granted and sometimes, I even wished they were more like “I’ll give you a massage” instead of like “I don’t mind, we can do it anyway”. And that’s not because I didn’t like their approach, but because there was so much going on inside of me already that I didn’t need the extra action down there.

However, I always saluted their mindset. I mean a good pirate also sails the Red Sea. So I’ll take an overzealous lover over a scared one every day of the week, just because I prefer their mindset. Besides, there are so many benefits that come from it, so why not? Just because you don’t want to ruin the sheets? Lol.

Of course, everyone has the right to be grossed out by certain things. I guess period blood is not for everyone, as is having semen on your face or having anal sex (just to give some examples). But labelling period sex as gross (as that stupid comedian did) is just wrong imo. And I just hope that most people just stay open-minded in general, and won’t put degrading labels on stuff or actions or even people. Everyone should just do what and whoever whenever they want.

Standard
Dating

Some thoughts on dating

I’m finally sitting here with the glass of wine I’ve been craving since noon earlier today, I had the weirdest day and kind of started it in a bad mood. Funnily, it was thanks to my students who – let’s be honest – I usually find a little annoying, though they’re also very sweet, that my mood has tremendously improved throughout the afternoon. Anyway, today is my rest day and I’ll also watch the dramatic finale of the German version of The Bachelor later tonight, so why not have some wine to go with it? Besides, my goal for the future is becoming one of PLL’s wine moms. Though without the basement, of course. And now that I’ve written the longest and most unnecessary introduction that has ever existed since the literary era of realism, I can get to the topic I actually want to write about today. (I’m even putting it in italic letters, so if you don’t like long introductions, you can just skip it. Oh, I should have mentioned that in the beginning, my bad.)

Ok, where do I start? If I was a contestant on The Bachelor, I’d say “I feel so blindsided!!” and start sobbing pitifully. But guess that would be slightly exaggerated in my situation, because I’m talking about a two-dates situation. Though in the Bachelor world, being crushed, devastated and losing faith in humanity would totally count as an adequate reaction to not getting a third rose (not even date). Maybe I should apply after all. I mean I already like booze, pretty dresses, free travels and exposing my soul to total strangers. Oh and I wouldn’t mind getting instafamous either.

So I was texting a guy I’ve been on exactly two dates so far after I met him through an app. He actually looked like on his photos and I didn’t hate our conversations. Actually, he was not the kinda guy you’d normally see on a dating app. However, he kinda stopped texting me back not too long after that (which is never a good sign of course) and even on our second date, there were a few awkward mix-ups already. But hey, I’m somewhat optimistic sometimes and so I didn’t mind having someone asking me about playing the violin even though I’ve never touched an instrument before.

Anyway, when I sugessted that we meet up this weekend, he told me that he’s gotten serious with some other chick in the meanwhile. First of all, seriously? How serious can you get with someone in the course of two weeks? And secondly, if you started seeing her before, why even bother meeting me? Especially if she’s really, I mean REALLY awesome. But I guess everyone understands what I’m implying here.

Somewhere in between many more mean, cynical and sarky thoughts (which I won’t share here, I can be really mean in my head), I also started wondering “When is the right moment to discuss what kind of relationship you want to have with someone?”.

As I mentioned in a former blogpost, I’m not opposed to an open relationship. But I think that in order to get there, you have to have a phase of plain monogmay where you get to know each other and especially each other’s boundaries, insecurities, doubts, daddy issues etc. to well establish a certain amount of trust before inviting other people in. Imo, if you don’t do that, you’re just a horny hippie who will most probably need all the drugs you can get just to be able to go through the drama that ensues (in addition to the 17 puberties you’ll have to deal with).

But how do you bring this sort of thing up on a first or second date? When I watched Netflix’ Dating Around, I was actually shocked by how quickly they spoke about future plans and about having children. They hadn’t even had dessert yet! I can’t even describe how weirded out I’d be if that happened to me. But then on the other hand, I will never have the same clarity within the first couple of dates as the people who ask these questions.

But maybe, I like the uncertainty. See, I knew from very early on that I’m not that much of a people’s person. Mostly because I like individuals instead of people in general. I also knew from a quite early age that having a career is more important to me than having an amazing social calendar (except if the social calendar is related to my career). I highly value being independent, to the point that I can hardly imagine living with someone I’m involved with romantically and who I can’t just ignore like my roommates. I guess all these things together are part of the reason why I don’t want to have kids and even why I dislike dogs. But when it comes to dating, I’ve noticed that actually many people fit in rather stereotypical, conservative patterns. Everyone seems to be looking for something secure, a sure thing, something that has the potential of lasting forever. And marriage of course. (My only reasons to get married would be the dress and the party.)

So you can probably say that I don’t exactly convey the security of a stable lifestyle. I move all the time. (I’m not even kidding, I moved 11 times in the last 10 years.) I like putting myself first. And I hate the idea of doing the same thing or person for the next 50 years to come. To me settling down sounds like a death penalty, which I’m very much opposed to.
Instead of getting a Golden Retriever, I want to travel the world and experience things. I definitely don’t want a conservative suburban life. But maybe that’s too complicated. Maybe I should want to wear mom jeans and just be happy. Maybe I’m too difficult by wanting someone who’s adventurous but also knows what he wants instead of trying to keep all options open. Maybe I should be less difficult and lower my expectations, just as some rather simple people have told me to. And maybe I should be less career oriented and valuing family more.
Well no, that won’t happen.

I want to spend my time with someone who shares the same values and who isn’t afraid of commitment. Someone who prefers complexity over comfort. And who’s also insanely hot and smart AF of course. But then again, dating just isn’t a priority for me, even though I have to admit that I do own a copy of Matthew Hussey’s book. But I’m way more interested in communication techniques in general than in attracting guys and finding love. However, if by any chance, you’re a hot guy with great intellect, feel free to drop me a line. But only if you’re a cat person.

Standard