Weekly Diary

Weekly Diary #10

Happy new year, everyone! I hope you all enjoyed the holiday season!

I celebrated Christmas with my mom and even though we spend a week together in my tiny 30 sqm apartment, we still don’t hate each other. In fact, I had very relaxing holidays spent with the classic Christmas activities like baking, cooking, going for walks, and playing board games. But my favorite tradition of ours is comparing all the horoscopes for the new year we can find in women’s magazines.
As a new tradition, I also did a small Tarot reading every morning after breakfast. And even though I’m still very new at this, I strongly believe that the cards never lie. So I wasn’t really surprised when the cards I pulled matched the horoscopes for 2022 I read later that week. It was the same for my mom. The cards already announced the important turning points that we know will come up eventually.
In my case, there will be one critical change in my professional life, and I have to admit that I’ve been dreading this moment, I still am. I guess that’s why I’m really reluctant to write my thesis and why I kept procrastinating for years. I’m so fucking scared of what comes after, I just don’t want to face it.
Another big change will hopefully be in my relationships. I really love cats, but it’d still be nice to have someone in my life who I can state as an emergency contact.

When I started writing this post, the first week of January was already over. It’s hard to believe that we’re already two weeks into the new year. I feel like the last two years didn’t even happen. But I guess I’m not alone. It’s so hard to believe that it’s been only a few months since I went to a different party or rave every couple of days. I barely slept. And now, I’m sitting here sipping my lemon water, celebrating that I haven’t had a drink in two weeks. Though I have to admit that I’m only sticking to Dry January right now because there’s no red wine at my place. And I’m not in the mood for white wine, it doesn’t go as well with my outfit today nor with the French playlist I’m listening to this evening. It’s all about the aesthetics. By the way, that’s why I started smoking in my early twenties. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I blame my mom. We watched so many movies from the Golden Age of Hollywood together, so of course I wanted to have my own collection of cigarette holders. Also, I did a photoshoot last week where we had to include a cigarette just to add a little lasciviousness. I might pick up smoking again. Or maybe I just try to get some of these chocolate cigarettes we had as kids.

Isn’t it crazy that these were targeted at children? Makes me think of the vintage ads praising the benefits of alcohol, such as the nourishing qualities for babies. And in case you were wondering, you can still get chewing gum cigarettes. Apparently, they even produce smoke. I will definitely test them. But apart from my desire to look like a glamorous movie star, I’m enjoying getting a little healthier.

When I started writing this post last Sunday, the moon was in Pisces. And I was rather emotional as well. So I didn’t really take care of myself, and I haven’t in a while. I still have to force myself out of bed, let alone do a workout. Though I’m slowly getting better at that, thanks to a fitness app with short, scheduled workouts, and thanks to a YouTube video reminding me that I have to practice self-care in order to attract positive things in life. It made me realize how poorly I’ve been treating myself in the past, not to say as long as I can think. In addition to that, I never took time to heal from any sort of physical or psychological, or emotional trauma. Instead, I used very unhealthy coping mechanisms and just kept going.

I’m not gonna lie, realizing this sucked. It even had me paralyzed for most of the week because I suddenly got stuck with all the negative thoughts and emotions I’ve been bottling up for so long. Besides, it’s really hard to break well established thought patterns. And so I just had a few days where I felt like a waste of space and absolutely unworthy of anything. Fun side note: Even my therapist seems to be a little stumped and doesn’t know what to do with me. She keeps asking me what kind of treatment I think would be best for me. I guess she’s trying to be considerate, but quite frankly, I’m not going to see a professional just to write my treatment plan myself. And these past days, thinking of my therapist’s overwhelmedness just added to my down spiral. It’s come to the point where I’m not even sure if therapy is helpful for me. At least so far, it hasn’t really made a difference for me whether or not I talk to a stranger about my feelings. Most of the time, I just feel reassured that my perception is right, even when a therapist (I’ve had a few) disagrees with me. And except for me second-guessing myself and wondering if I’m a narcissist, that doesn’t do much. I’ll still stick to it though. I mean, you never know.

But now, I have a real resolution for this year. Besides working out regularly and finally finishing my studies, I want to cultivate a positive mindset. No more talking myself down. And I challenge everyone reading this to do the same. Raise your vibrations and stuff.

The good news is that Mercury is in retrograde again, until February 3. This is the perfect time to reflect on yourself, your relationships, and how you go about life. Despite having a bad rep, Mercury retrogrades are actually a great opportunity to take a breather and to focus on what is really important or what needs to change. What energies do you want to attract, what brings you further in life? During this first Mercury retrograde of the year, we can set our intentions for the months to come. (And if you have to get back with your ex, be sure about your Why.)

So take it easy, be kind to yourself, do what makes you happy. And have the best year ever!

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Dating

RomComs fucked me up

I’ve been on a few dates lately. In the past two weeks, I met more people than during the entire last year. And that’s great, I don’t want to complain. I just can’t help it.

I’m in my early thirties now and while I’m seeing friends getting married and having babies, I still haven’t managed to stay with a person for more than a couple of months. For some reason, I haven’t met my true soulmate or my one true love yet.
I can already see eyes rolling at the mention of soulmates and The One. I know, I know, there’s hopefully more than just one person for everyone out there. But I haven’t even met any of the other Ones, even though I’ve come very close a few times. But I guess it was never meant to be, or otherwise I’d still be with one of the nonetheless fantastic guys I’ve been with. And so I naturally start wondering if I’m just too difficult to handle or to connect with, if my expectations are too high, or if it’s my generation that has lost all capacity of creating meaningful relationships. I’m not including the people who I know are in very committed long-term relationships, but from our conversations, I’m sure they’d be more than unhappy if they had to go back to dating and trying to find a partner. (Somewhat unrelated, but not really: If there’s no wood around, does it count to knock on a dildo? I’m asking for a friend.)

Usually, I know right off the bat if I want to get to know someone. And I’m using ‘want to get to know’ as a synonym to ‘become obsessed’ here. My very first boyfriend was someone I immediately fell in love with before we even spoke. He was a bartender and I just saw him doing his thing and knew instantly that I wanted to be with him.

It was almost like a meet cute. After having a seemingly endless debate in my head about how to best start a conversation, I decided to give him my number the moment I ordered another round of cocktails. I was so nervous, I felt like I was dying. But he texted me the same night, and it all was worth it.
We had our first date the evening after. He came to pick me up with his motorcycle and after cruising around the beautifully lit city of Paris, he took me to the Eiffel Tower where we had our very first kiss. It was magical. And it didn’t even matter that it was so foggy that night that we didn’t see much of the city.

I was fortunate enough to have had other magical first dates. Funnily, they all were in Paris. After I moved back to Germany, there was no more magic. Which I can understand to a certain point, there’s no Eiffel Tower in Germany. But I never got this feeling that someone wanted to impress me. Or took the time to show me they’re truly interested.

I’m not saying that there haven’t been any romantic gestures. One guy for example took me on a late night picnic near the river. And of course, taking a bath together is always amazing. But that’s something that I’d do pretty much every day.

I love grand gestures. If I’m fighting with someone I care about, I don’t care what I say, I want them to fight for me. Maybe that’s toxic af, but I guess that’s the part where me being brainwashed by romcoms comes in. I want a guy to show me that they care, no matter what. Perhaps that’s why, in contrast to my friends, I was intrigued by the guy who just kept texting me for TWO YEARS, after I’d blocked him, he started texting me again after he got a new number. And that time, I didn’t block him, and now we’re seeing each other, and it’s wonderful. Also, he’s a Scorpio…

And still, I’m waiting for that deep emotional longing to kick in. I mean, I appreciate our time, but I just want to experience the feeling of love at the first sight. I want this instant connection that is portrayed in movies. And even though I used to make fun of Bruno Mars, I want to feel a love where I’m actually willing to catch a grenade for someone (and know that they’d do the same).

Even though I have loved in the past, I’m pretty sure I would not have sacrificed my life for them. And I don’t know if that’s smart or if I’m cold-hearted. And then again, how much can you actually love someone after only a few months?

What probably doesn’t make things easier is that I never experienced the puppy love some teenagers get to experience. As far as I know, nobody was even remotely interested in me until I was 18. And then, the only kind of dating I did was with someone who was more or less double my age. And it was only in his car. (I’m just leaving that here, but yes, I know that that’s a whole different level of fucked up as well.)

So I guess it’s no surprise that I’m craving a relationship like you can see on certain Tumblr pages. You know, the photos that are only slightly pornographic but show a lot of intimacy and passion. And I want that in my everyday life as well. I want a guy who lights a thousand candles to set the perfect atmosphere, who just grabs me to give me a massage without expecting anything in return, who keeps telling me how happy he is to be with me. And of course, I’d do the same.

In fact, that’s what I’ve done in the past. But instead of any kind of effort, I get texts like “You up?”.

So I guess that after all, I will die alone. Or with my twenty cats and my collection of toys.

PS: If you’re someone I dated in the past reading this, know that I cherish the time we spent together. I still don’t wanna get back together, but I love you and wish you all the best.

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Dating

Heartbreak

Where to start… This is a subject that you can hear in every other pop song, it’s probably as old as humanity, and I’m sure people are a little sick of hearing about it. And yet, we don’t get any wiser, nor are we any better equipped when it comes to heartbreak.

As you have already noticed, I’m using this blog as a substitute for my therapy sessions, since once a week is definitely not enough for me, so I just need an additional outlet for my emotions, in the form of talking about very personal stuff to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

What has preoccupied my mind the last couple of days, weeks, even months, has been the last relationship I was in. I’m not even sure if I can call it a relationship, the guy who I was seeing was definitely not on the same page as I. He’d probably call me a “good friend”.

When I really like someone, I’m all in. I’d marry that person in a heartbeat. If I lived in Vegas, people at A Little White Wedding Chapel would probably know me even better than my wine guy. So not only would they know my personal data by heart, but they’d also know which song to play and which kind of bouquet I like. I’m not sure if Las Vegas chapels offer this kind of service, but in my fantasy, they’d also have the number of my wine guy to be ready with my favorite bubbly and wine. They’d know me pretty damn well for a stranger. I’d probably be there every (other) week. Because unfortunately, most people don’t like to move as fast as I do. And the guy I’ve been pretty much obsessed with this year doesn’t seem to want to move at all, at least not with me. And since aren’t complicated enough between us already (we have very different styles of communication and very different expectations), we don’t seem to be compatible in any way.

I’d love to know why my brain is playing these tricks on me. I mean, why can’t I let go of something and someone that I know won’t fulfill any of my needs? Besides chemistry, there’s not that much to it, to be completely honest. And still, I’m holding on to what we had and trying to navigate how a future could look like, even though I’m very sure it won’t be a future together. I know that he would probably never fully commit to me, which is an awful feeling. And it makes me second guess myself. Am I enough? Am I toxic? Am I too clingy?

Rationally I know that a relationship, a fling, or even a booty call are not supposed to make you feel this way. I’ve even had plenty of circumstances where I was proven that I’m worthy of being pursued, that there are men out there who do want to spend every minute, even second of their life with me. I just recently met up with someone who pursued me for two years. Even when I didn’t react, he didn’t stop. And no, I’m not glorifying stalkers or ignoring boundaries. The reason I ignored him first was that we didn’t seem to have a good connection first, I only later learned that my first impression of him was based on a misunderstanding. Through his messages, he showed me a side of him that I found charming and intriguing. And when we finally met up, we did have great chemistry. And still, it’s not the same as with the one person I can’t have. I guess it’s an Aries thing, and I wish I could get over it. Instead, I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with me. That’s probably why I picture my future life with 20 sphynx cats instead of a significant other. It just seems more realistic that way. I wouldn’t even mind if my cats have a nibble of my face once I die, so even if they’re just in my imagination for now, I already have a much deeper love for them than anybody has had for me, seemingly. So why not plan a future together? For better, for worse, in sickness and health, in life and death.

And while I’m thinking that I wish that I had a better ending to this post (which is more of a pity party than anything), I just remembered an Instagram post that stated that we all have three kinds of love. Puppy love, toxic love, and THE ONE. I feel like I’m just getting over the toxic love right now (for multiple reasons, which I won’t discuss here), and that gives me hope. Also, I’ve only read today on Reddit that some people find their soulmates when astral projecting. So I guess there’s still hope. Or not. I’m also fine with not having a nose.

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BS on social media

Bad advice

With depression, a major point on my agenda is procrastination. I can either spend hours sitting on my phone, looking at memes which I don’t even remember two seconds later, or I watch tons of videos on YouTube. While doing the latter, I recently came across a video with the clickbaity title “10 Things You Should Keep Private | NEVER Share These Things”. And since I’m constantly worrying about how people, especially guys, view me, I of course had to watch it.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe something that would reveal extreme negativity or would make the other person feel insecure. But instead, the list was as follows:

I think the only item I can get on board with is number 9. That indeed is non-negotiable. Although, I’m not sure if I’d keep a secret if friend A told me they were planning to kill friend B. Or if they were cheating. Or anything like that. I would most definitely tell friend B. I guess it’s a question of where your moral compass is pointing in some cases.

  • 1. Intimate details of your relationships, especially with your partner (sex details, shows respect for privacy)
  • 2. Income and financial situation (income/bank account status; create negative intentions)
  • 3. Future goals (sharing your goals without starting can allow others to taint your vision) move in silence until you succeed
  • 4. Arguments and fights (keep any disagreements between the parties involved) Give respect and wish that person well.
  • 5. Family problems (no one is perfect, and we all have flaws, but there’s no need to tell others about these issues)
  • 6. Medical condition (do share medical issues unless it’s family or your doctor.
  • 7. Acts of kindness (don’t help others to get something in return)
  • 8. Therapy sessions (don’t share the details of your therapy session; it should only be said in your sessions)
  • 9. Secrets about others (private conversation you have with others. They trust you with this information, so keep it secretive)
  • 10. Mistakes and regrets (they don’t define us; they’re a part of are past and not the present. You learned from it and moved on. Constantly talking about it can damage your image. Don’t share was went wrong in your past relationships; you have moved on from it.

This list has really left me wondering what people are supposed to talk about with their friends. I mean, what topics does it leave you with, besides the weather? But before I’ll get into each item, I think it’s important to mention that the channel featuring the video should supposedly enhance femininity and self-improvement. The hashtags used in the video description are #privacy, #femininity, #elegance.

I thought that there’d maybe be a disclaimer saying that the video is meant to guide you through conversations with people you newly met, but no. It specifically says to “never share with others”, no matter what your relation to them is.

Maybe I’m expecting too much, but my understanding is that videos are nowadays made for women should empower women, and therefore also be feminist. And just for the record, I don’t see a conflict between being very feminine and elegant and being a feminist. (I actually have no idea why that has ever been called into question by some people.) So now that I have mentioned that, let’s dive in.

Let’s start with
1Intimate details of your relationships
I don’t know what other people’s relationships are like with their friends, but my friends and I are pretty open about everything. Picture us talking like in Sex and the City. I’ve openly talked about role play, anal, literally anything about my friends. And of course, my friends are always there if I need some advice when it comes to dating and relationships. And, of course, vice versa. However, we still manage to always keep it classy, and we never share details that are too intimate or would expose someone’s partner in any way. In addition to that, sexual liberation and self-determination are only possible in an environment that allows people to talk about their experiences. What I find problematic about statement number 1 is that it pretty much prohibits that exchange. But how should people learn what’s normal or not? How would they become aware of abusive behavior when, because of a lack of talking, they don’t have any comparison to what other people are experiencing? Not talking only benefits predators and any kind of unwanted behavior. The #MeeToo and #Time’sUp movements proved that. Telling people to shut up doesn’t do any good to anyone. There’s a reason why Salt-N-Pepa made a song encouraging people to talk about sex. Geniuses.

2Income and financial situation
Wait what now? I should add that the video was indeed made in 2021. Exactly, after we’ve finally all become aware of the pay gap and the fact that women and minorities have a much harder time getting promotions or equal pay as their white male colleagues. According to the video, talks about money should be avoided because they can “create an uncomfortable work environment”. But guess what’s even more uncomfortable? Having trouble making ends meet because your fucking boss is discriminating against you through your monthly salary.

3 – Future goals
Okay, I can respect that to some point. Personally, I have this fear that I jinx something when I talk about potential possibilities or future endeavors with others. But at the same time, sharing your ambitions with others can have huge benefits. I’ve had multiple occasions where my friends or even just acquaintances helped me get a job. Or had ideas that could help me with my plans. Also, talking about your projects can help you stay motivated. As for having your vision tainted: I don’t think that this will happen when you believe in yourself. I don’t see how someone else’s opinion could have you throw everything overboard just because they might have a different opinion. Besides, getting someone else’s point of view can only be beneficial and add to your perspective. Or they can provide constructive criticism. All that will only be helpful on the way. And with any advice or criticism, you’ll always have the choice to take it or leave it.

4 – Arguments and fights
This is pretty much the same as with relationships. I probably tend to overanalyze every interaction I have with people, but when fighting with someone, I’ve found it really helpful in the past to have my friends tell me what they think of it. Because sometimes, I wonder if I’m overreacting, or if my emotional response is justified. Having someone I trust to point out if I was out of line or simply being gaslighted has really helped me to deal with conflicts and to trust my gut. And btw, you can of course be respectful while talking about a fight you had with someone. These are not mutually exclusive.

5 – Family problems
Again, same as with relationships, so I won’t dive too deep into this. Why is this even on the list? As far as I know, everyone has a somewhat messy family. The only thing besides talking about it with a therapist is talking about it with your friends. More often than not, people will be able to relate. It even seems to me as if most families all have the same issues. So why not ask someone you’re close to how they would handle a certain situation?

6 – Medical condition
Sure, never tell anyone if you’re suffering from any kind of condition or disease. Just keep it to yourself, let it fester and eat you up, and convince yourself you’re a burden to everyone around you. Make sure to keep everything secret from loved ones to really enjoy a much harder time throughout your struggle. It’s not like it’s been proven that having a great support system ups your chances of a successful recovery. Instead, experience the wonderful void when falling into that deep depression that will inevitably come when you feel like you have to face everything on your own. Because how could anyone help if they’re not a doctor? Fuck balloons or Get-well-cards. Or if (God forbid) you have any severe issues, just die surprisingly, because who doesn’t love a shocking turn of events.

7 – Acts of kindness
In elementary school, we had the Christmas tradition of preparing a shoebox with nice and useful gifts for underprivileged children. We put in toys, some non-perishable snacks, crayons, and other little goodies. I always loved doing that, and I hope these boxes made some kids’ Christmas a little more memorable.
I don’t know why I didn’t keep going with this tradition after elementary school, but last year, I picked it back up, making boxes for homeless people. During this time, I of course talked to my friends about it, and I asked if they wanted to contribute as well. Two did, and we ended up having more than just one box. So again, I don’t get why you would want to keep acts of kindness to yourself unless maybe you’re being boastful and the only goal is to point out what a great person you are. But in any other situation, talking about a good deed can inspire others to do the same and eventually make the world a tiny little bit better.

8 – Therapy sessions
I’m starting to wonder if this list is just really nonsensical, or if I just don’t have any boundaries. Which wouldn’t be surprising, given that all I do in this blog is to write about very personal stuff. Anyway, I talk about my therapy sessions all the time. Sometimes, I use the things my therapist says to me when I try to give advice to a friend. And other times, I talk about how I agree or disagree with my therapist. Doing so has actually helped me to figure out that my last therapist wasn’t helping me at all. Ranting about her to my friends every week was definitely useful to realize that she wasn’t the right fit for me, and they supported me when I decided to end sessions with her.

9 – Secrets about others
As I said in the beginning, this is the only one I fully agree with. Moving on.

10 – Mistakes and regrets
Jesus Christ, why is everyone obsessed with seeming infallible to others? What’s so bad about mistakes and regrets that you could never ever talk about them? I definitely don’t agree with sharing what has not worked in the past will damage your image. In my opinion, it’s the contrary. When you can explain why something has turned out to be an unsuccessful experience, what part you had in it and what you’ve learned from it, that’s a sign of strength. Maybe you shouldn’t lead a convo with listing all the things that went wrong in your past, but when someone asks you about a specific situation, why not? It can be helpful to the person who’s asking, and even for you when you see if you’re still triggered by it or not. It also shows that you have character and that can be vulnerable, which is also proof of a strong personality. Talking about failures also makes you relatable and can help you connect with others. For what other reason would people enjoy sharing stories of when they got totally shitfaced at the bar? If you’re in the position of mentoring someone, showing that nobody’s perfect can help your mentee to put too much pressure on themselves and gain trust in their own abilities.

Verdict
While giving my two cents about all the things one should keep quiet about, I was constantly thinking, “Who hurt you?”. Honestly, to me, this list reeks of insecurity and the fear of being betrayed, which is a shame, and I wish the person coming up with this was able to put more trust into others. What I find highly problematic is the underlying, internalized misogyny. Even though what I wrote to each item applies to both sexes, the video is clearly made for women as a targeted audience. This is made very clear in the video and also in its description and hashtags. So if you look at each item again, you will notice that women are basically told (by another woman) to shut up and never talk about their experiences and struggles. I guess anything else is considered unladylike and inelegant? Why does this video discourage women from talking about their sexuality, how much they’re earning, or future goals? What’s not feminine about that, and why should these topics be excluded from a conversation? To me, that sounds a lot like “Keep a woman in her place” and putting them at a disadvantage by discouraging transparency.
Besides, I don’t care if it’s classy or elegant or not, I have the best time talking with my friends about dick and everything considered inappropriate. And I largely prefer having a fun conversation over a politically correct one.

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Paris, Weekly Diary

Weekly Diary #9

This week has been filled with nostalgia for me, which came all over me when I started to assemble photos I could use to update an old and very corny vision board. I decided that instead of making a collage of inspirational photos, I would print out photos of memorable moments spent with my friends. And since my newly found friendships here in Germany have disappeared as quickly as they have formed, most of the photos are from my time in Paris. And it made me realize that I’ve been pretty miserable in Germany.

Not so long ago, I told my therapist that I feel like my depression is getting worse and worse, despite the medication. It didn’t occur to me that it’s probably because I just don’t feel at home here. Weirdly enough, I moved so many times since I came back to Germany, ten times in less than five years to be exact. I guess I was just too busy to realize that I’m not happy here. Though I have been bitching about our ineffective public transport system since the moment I arrived here.

My life in Paris was so much more bubbly, which might sound paradoxical after my last post about my eating disorder. But considering that I have been carrying that around for 17 years now, the time in Paris (except for the first couple of months) was the lightest, and the friendships I made there last until today. Besides, I never understood how the people here in Cologne don’t get bored out of their mind, going to the same parties, meeting the same people over and over again. Cologne is more of a village than a city, it couldn’t be more different from the vibrant city of Paris where, even after years and years of living there, you still discover something new every day. I also miss the international crowd. And opposed to what every tourist says, people in Paris are actually super friendly. They just don’t like bullshit and have a cynical view of life, which I both find very charming.

But more importantly, I spent a big part of my 20s in Paris. So, of course, it was the best time of my life. I really miss the nights I spent at the bar I worked at, after finishing a shift. We’d stay until the cleaners kicked us out, had a couple of drinks, and played silly games. Or we’d go out to the other bars that belonged to the same chain. During this time, I was barely at home. I just spent all my time at the bar. And I absolutely loved it.

It’s not like I had a “real” perspective. I was just a full-time waitress. But I definitely didn’t feel as stuck as I do know. And I had fun. Growing up is a scam anyway.

Still, I felt so much more inspired back then than nowadays. Take yesterday: I went through some of my Facebook posts. Like everyone else, I haven’t used Facebook in a really long time, so it was fun to go through the things I shared a few years ago. I had no idea I used to be funny and witty! Honestly, some of these posts were almost genius! And now, my brain is just dusty. I’m not even able to think of a good comparison right now. Oh how the mighty have fallen!

To solve this problem, I have a two-step plan. Step one: Start again to drink wine every day. That’s what I did back then. Even though it happened that not everything was very clear the next morning, it was also during that time when I wrote beautiful texts and scribbled (seemingly) intelligent annotations in the margins of the books I read. I even had the habit of sitting in bars, having a couple of drinks, and reading until the letters got blurry. It felt so intellectual. Now, I even have a small collection of black turtle-necks, which would only add to the aesthetic.

Step two: I’ll finally finish that fucking degree that I’ve been putting off for years and move back to Paris. And I’ll have a tiny apartment on the sixth floor, without an elevator of course. It’s the only way to go and will help keep my butt in shape despite all the wine I’ll be drinking. Hopefully, I’ll have weird neighbors as well, In that way, I’d have plenty of material to write about. Maybe I’ll even see my mosquito-hating friend from the metro again.

With my new photo wall, I’ll definitely have enough inspiration to do so.

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Mental Health

My slow recovery from bulimia

Let me start this post by saying that I’m fucking proud of myself. I’m proud because the last two days, I resisted the urge to binge and purge – something that I’ve not yet managed in the past.

Normally, I would allow myself one sick ‘cheat day’ and then start over again, trying to let more and more days pass between each episode. And even though I have come a long way from pretty much not keeping any meal down to just purging every one to two weeks, I haven’t yet been able not to binge. Until this week.

Imagine me being pretty emotional while I’m writing this down. I reached a milestone, despite everything else I have going on right now. It’s weird because I really don’t have the feeling that my depression is getting any better.

Just this morning, I thought of the sleeping pills I was taking for a while back in Paris and how I could have easily overdosed. But I’m a coward, and I wouldn’t want to end up as a vegetable, or leave earth leaving a disfigured body. And so I find comfort in looking at very dark-humored memes on r/depression_memes like this one here 👉

But maybe the good thing about depression is that I give significantly fewer fucks about anything, including my weight.

Actually this week, I hit the 60 kg (130 lbs) mark. A couple of years or even months ago, I would have been devastated. Since I was a teenager, I knew that I definitely wanted to keep my weight below 60 kg. At first, I was happy with 59,5 kg. But then of course, I started thinking less was better. And in just a year, I reached around 46 kg (102 lbs). For reference, I’m 1,79 m (5’11”) tall. I remember back then, at the age of 16, I kept thinking that it was impossible to keep this going until I’d be 60. I thought that only once I got old, I could allow myself to gain weight, or “get fat” how I’d call it. As it soon turned out, I didn’t have to maintain this low weight for long after all, since of course, my doctor and family got more and more alarmed. My supportive family compared me several times to the victims of the Holocaust.

And even though I never received proper treatment, I managed to gain weight. It was a relief that I was given the permission to, since I didn’t give it to myself, and I also thought that I could lose any extra weight just as fast. The only problem was that, as soon as I had stopped only eating 800 kcal a day, I couldn’t go back to it. It was too hard. (Btw, even back then, I never understood how some people could restrict themselves to only 400 kcal a day. 800 was already super difficult for me. But I was also scared of eating cotton balls.)

However, I wasn’t happy with the way I looked. At age 17 until 19, I had my highest weight so far, which was 63 kg (139 lbs). I felt horrible. Even worse was when people still told me I was skinny when I felt the exact opposite. And then I moved to Paris.

The first couple of months were really hard. I didn’t have my friends around me and, of course, didn’t know the city. It was the first time I lived alone. And without anyone watching me, I started purging every time I thought I’d eaten too much. Quickly, my weight was down to 48 kg (105 lbs) again. During that time, I also started smoking. Mostly because I (still) love the aesthetic of Old Hollywood actors with their quellazaires, but also because I’d read somewhere that smoking can burn up to 300 kcal. So I smoked a pack per day.

In addition to throwing up multiple times a day, it’s not surprising that it took a big toll on my teeth. They’re now paper-thin and so, the only part of my body I’m truly worried about. I never cared about what binging and purging would do to my organs, honestly, I still don’t care that much. But as I mentioned earlier, I wouldn’t want to be an ugly corpse. Nor would I like to lose my teeth while still being alive.

Besides, buying tons of foods to binge on is fucking expensive. All the money I could have saved literally went down the drain. As a “solution”, I started stealing my food, which was super easy. And so, even after a while where my episodes were spaced a little, I quickly was back on purging three times a day.

Eventually, I was caught stealing, fortunately. Who knows how long I would have continued with that lifestyle. But still without proper treatment, I still struggled. The only thing I managed was to reduce the number of episodes. And depending on the circumstances, I was more or less successful with that. During that time, my average weight was around 53 kg (116 lbs), the weight I also have in the two first photos left in the image above. The two photos on the right show how I look now. Funnily, not as drastic of a difference as I would have thought in my teens or early twenties.

Unfortunately, I can’t even tell you exactly what I did to be able to accept myself more. Sure, I’ve seen a few therapists, but I found that talking about my past didn’t do shit to change any toxic behaviors of the present. Besides, none of them were specialized in treating eating disorders. One thing that was very helpful though was that I deleted all the calorie-tracking apps I had on my phone. And yes, at one point, I used more than one. I guess by deleting them, I also unlearned to count them, even though I’ve pretty much known the number of calories of every single food since my teens.

Another thing that helps a lot is that fashion manufacturers have started using stretchy materials. I remember the stiff skinny jeans that would cut off your circulation I used to wear as a teen. You don’t see those around anymore, and it makes being comfortable in my body much easier for me, even though I’m still not thrilled to see my flabby ass in the harsh neon light of a fitting room. But I learned that I have to build muscle to achieve the look I want. And since I’m just not very athletic, I’m already proud when I’m somewhat consistent with my workouts. That probably shifted my perspective from feeling guilty to valuing my achievements more.

Nevertheless, I’m obviously still far away from a full recovery, if that’s even possible. (In my opinion, you carry an eating disorder for life, you just learn to manage it.) I’m still scared of weighing myself or taking my measurements. I’m still not happy about how my body looks. But now, I’m rather focused on getting toned than on being thin, which I still want to be, but not at any cost.

Now, every day I look in the mirror, I see what the drastic weight loss and weight gain have done to my connective tissue and muscles. I feel like I have barely any muscle strength left, I can’t even do one push-up, and my breasts are probably the body part I’m most self-conscious about. They’re very, very relaxed. Yet, I’m aware that recovery takes lots of time, and I’m happy about the smallest step I can take to better health. For now, I’ll celebrate reaching a massive milestone.

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Just blogging

Weekly Diary #8

I need more than 24 hours in a day, I don’t even know how October passed this quickly. Between work, trying to get organized for my university stuff (which I’m still failing at btw), job searches, preparing for Halloween, and some unnecessary drama, my head was spinning. I’m truly wondering why I’m attracting all this drama now, I’ve never been this kind of person before.

Maybe it’s the city and the people here, or maybe it’s because I’ve reached an age where compromise gets harder and where I’m less willing to be agreeable about everything. However, I’m not getting any deeper into the nature of the drama. It’s very personal, though, who am I kidding, it’s not like that has ever stopped me before. But it’s way too recent for me to talk about it without ruining my day. And it’s also not really that interesting. I’m in love with someone who’s emotionally not there. It’s a story as old as humankind. I even wrote a poem about it, which I then deleted, because it sucked. I guess that means that I did a really good job with the writing after all, since it really conveyed the feeling of sucky suckiness.

I spent the last days ugly crying, listening to a lot of Sufjan Stevens, and doing a bunch of impulse shopping. I got some new decoration items for my home, fancy dresses for the next big occasion that will never present itself, and a latex bunny mask, because why not. Now, I’m waiting for all that to arrive, as well as the large black hoodies I ordered so that I can hide from the world, even when I’m not hiding in bed, sleeping 15 hours a day.

And of course, I had a bomb Halloween party to take my mind off things. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve probably already seen the make-ups I tried, leading up to my phenomenal costume as Angel of Death to celebrate the pinnacle of the spooky season. But since I have narcissistic tendencies, I’ll happily share the photos here.

While preparing these looks, I noticed how giddy I get when I can let my inner goth out. And so I set a new goal for myself, which is getting into makeup. But only next year, because I still want to finish my degree first.

I’m taking care not to say “have to” and say “want to” instead so that I can trick my brain into being motivated. It doesn’t really work, though, and I still have some doubts if that future degree will make finding an interesting job any easier. I mean, I study linguistics. The only thing I’m good at is reading stuff, talking, and writing. And there are moments where I even have difficulties with that. Exhibit A: My wonderfully awful poem I’m too ashamed to show to anyone.

Funnily just earlier today, I had a very short interview with a headhunter. (Somehow, that term always makes me think of a hitman.) And so we were talking about the job I’m currently doing and what my expertise is. She was about to ask me something to understand my current day-to-day better and started her question by saying “Are you capable of…”, and immediately, I went like “Nope, I’m definitely not capable.” in my head. And I’m not even kidding when I’m saying that this is how I really feel. Not only when it comes to a job, but just everyday life. Somehow, I have no clue how to do things, and the idea that I once thought I’d have my life figured out by reaching my 20s, aka ten years ago, is just ridiculous.

Fortunately, I’m not the only one who thinks that the way our society does life and responsibilities is nothing but a big scam. When I look at my group of friends, we all seem to never grow up. At least not in the way that we thought was required, with slick parted hair, a tidy single-family house in a suburban neighborhood, and a Golden Retriever. We rather have inappropriate conversations and throw dress-up parties that help us escape reality and deal with the Millennial angst.

I guess that’s why astrology and spiritual practices are having such a boom among Millennials. They provide the perfect escapism and offer some peace of mind.

“The universe will guide you. You just need to manifest your reality. But don’t worry if you have trouble raising your vibrations right now, we still are in Mercury retroshade, and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Here, you can use these crystals to help you balance your energy. Also, yoga is really good for your chakras.”

I feel all warm and fuzzy already, just by typing these lines. It’s pretty similar to a religion that helps to have faith in us and, well, the universe and its mysterious ways. Actually, I think I will go get my crystals and sage my room for good measure, Then I’ll make some hot tea and hide under my blanket while probably having an anxiety attack about everything I didn’t do today. That’s my idea of a great afternoon. Enjoy yours as well, cheers! ✌️

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Weekly Diary

Weekly Diary #7

It’s been a while that I haven’t written one of those weekly diaries. But today I decided that it’s a category I’m going to revive.

I just had a short video chat with a somewhat friend. Somewhat because our friendship almost only exists via calls. We met on Tinder and have actually met only once. We also hooked up that night, but we both date other people. So I don’t really know how to exactly classify this relation other than as a somewhat friend.

He has been struggling with depression and substance abuse the last couple of months, at least since I know him, actually. And he’s an artist. So exactly the kind of person I attract, the struggling and depressed artist. I’ve tried to attract and be attracted to “normal” people in the past, but that has never worked. I find them boring. And I have to admit that I sometimes even like the drama that comes with rather unstable personalities. Besides, my Jupiter is in Cancer and my moon is in Taurus. So I often take the role of the caregiver. Unfortunately, to the extent that I only care about others, but not myself. In fact, I read an article about what your sleeping position tells about you. In relation- or situationships, I’m usually the big spoon. Which reflects me being protective and caring. And of course my Aries sun makes me super protective of others.

I guess psychologically, I do that so that I can concentrate on others instead of dealing with my own problems. I mean, especially right now, my life is a mess. So I’m basically a mom who takes care of everyone but then needs her Chardonnay at 4 PM to cope.

I should add that he’s a Scorpio. I unfortunately can’t find the meme anymore that portrayed Aries-Scorpio relationships perfectly, but it basically just stated that this combo can be toxic and yet, Aries are attracted to it. And in this particular case, I really feel that.

But I’m realizing that I didn’t even tell you yet how the conversation went. I texted him around noon, asking him how he’s feeling. I also wanted to make sure that he slept, since the last time we spoke, he told me that he’d only slept 2 hours. He then called, already with a bottle of hard liquor in hand, and asked me right away to give him a tarot reading, which I did. (It reflected his current situation, so nothing new. But it also showed that things might improve in the future and that he’ll have a meaningful relationship, so I hope that will happen for him.) Anyway, after I was done with the reading, he asked me if I thought that he is a calculating asshole because he only called to get a favor. To which I replied that I’m used to that kind of behavior by now.

He immediately started protesting, even though he was the one referring to himself as calculating in the first place. He claimed that he’d always had my back, and he supported me no matter what. I just thought, “We’ve only met once”. I also realized that he was obviously drunk, even though I wasn’t able to tell earlier.

However, me saying that I’m used to calculating people suddenly made me really sad. It reminded me of all the times I was really invested in a relationship or friendship and had to come to the hard conclusion that my efforts weren’t reciprocated. I even feel like it’s impossible to have two people be on the same page and equally invested. I would love to have someone showing me they care as much about me as I care about them.

After we ended the video chat, I did a small tarot reading for me as well. My cards are in the featured image of this post. Turns out, the universe wants me to concentrate more on myself and be more aware of my desires – something that I need to do that to be successful in the future. However, I’ll probably still have trust issues later on. But at least I’ll hopefully have the success going for me.

To put the advice from the cards into practice, I’m now going to work out and enjoy the sun. Happy Sunday!

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Society

How I got banned from TikTok

As an addition to my previous post, I thought I share with you a story on how I got my first TikTok account banned. Speaking of money and relationships made me think of a video with the caption “When I have so many dates this week that I don’t need to get any groceries”. It showed a pretty girl confidently strutting down the street, looking cool in her nicely curated outfit while playing with her hair and wearing black cat-eye sunglasses. The background sound that was playing was the very short line “I don’t really care” of Rihanna’s Who’s That Chick?.

I don’t know how you’d interpret this video. My first reaction was honestly disgust.

Maybe I’m too misanthropic and cynical to give people the benefit of the doubt, but for me, the video basically said “I’m just going on dates to get free meals and I can because I’m the hottest bitch that has ever graced humanity with her existence”. And so I couldn’t help myself. I just had to react to the video and point out this girl’s moral questionability.

The people who know me know that I have absolutely no filter when I’m voicing my opinion. Or in general when I’m speaking. I mostly think only after saying or doing something. Besides, I absolutely HATE overly political correctness. And so to my shame, I have to confess that I basically called that girl a whore. In a classy, concealed way though. But I guess it was against TikTok’s community guidelines. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I have absolutely no problem when people get paid for certain, affectionate services, as long as all parties involved are aware of the modalities. And even though I like to make stupid jokes about my lack of perspective for my own future, saying that I won’t need to worry because I’ll just marry an obscenely rich dude, I definitely do not approve of taking advantage of people.

Of course, I received comments like “Maybe she paid for her meals” and “Women shouldn’t attack other women”, to which my reaction is a major eye-roll. I mean, come on. I’m also sure she felt a real connection with every single person she met during this week. Probably all soulmates and twin flames.

Firstly, her flex definitely wasn’t about being such a bad bitch who pays for all her shit. Otherwise, she would have chosen a very different wording in her text. And secondly, when I point out people’s shitty behavior, I’m not attacking them for their gender or their identity or whatever, but for being shitty. Should be a no-brainer.

If you really feel the need to push your ego by spending valuable time with someone you’d maybe wouldn’t meet otherwise, just so that you can get free stuff, at least don’t brag about it. Shut your fucking mouth. But bragging about living a parasitic lifestyle and trying to glorify it just puts a wedge between men and women. For example, I love when a guy takes me out and offers to pay for dinner, just because I very much appreciate the nice gesture. And it also shows a certain commitment. If a guy pays for your dinner, there’s a higher chance that he’s not seeing a bunch of other girls besides you. Unfortunately, it seems that more and more guys get the feeling that some girls are just using them, and so they of course don’t want to take the risk to invest. Not their money, but even less their time and energy. No wonder chivalry is slowly dying.

As for being blocked on TikTok, I definitely didn’t miss the platform, but I still created a new account nonetheless. I wanted to show off the new tattoo that I got back then. But I learned to sort of control my impulsiveness. Now, I’m only reading the comments, which sometimes are the best part of social media anyway.

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Dating, Just blogging

Dating & money

This is a topic that has been thoroughly discussed with my friends and that doesn’t seem to get old. It’s an ongoing debate what to do with the check when at a bar, café or restaurant. I’m writing from my hetero perspective, and I have absolutely no clue how this is handled in other dating situations. But I’ve often experienced some kind of awkwardness when it comes to paying. Should the guy pay, should I offer to pay my part? I have to admit that it never crossed my mind to pay for both of us on a first date, except if I’m the one who chose the location. But I usually prefer letting the guy take the initiative. Not because I’m lazy or because I’m a greedy bitch, but because I’m looking for someone who’s assertive and invested in me. But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s get to the story first.

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a guy who I’m pretty much into. Or at least, I’m pretty much into the potential thing that we could have if we start seeing each other on a regular level. So far, we’ve only hung out four times since July, and most of the time, I initiated the contact. It annoys me, but I also don’t have a problem with going for what or who I want, even though I would of course prefer being pursued from time to time instead of doing all the pursuing myself. Just for the record, I’m not harassing anyone who’s not that into me, and I’m only hitting a guy up that often before I accept that I won’t get any or not enough investment in return and leave it at that.

So when we went on a date that other day, I don’t even know how many weeks had passed since we’d last seen each other. Two at the very least, although we had both mentioned that we’re indeed both very enthusiastic about continuing to see each other. And even though I’m not thrilled about that I’m obviously not that worthy of his time, I chose to ignore this massive red flag. Besides, I have no problem being by myself, I hate most people anyway *Sagittarius rising*. Although now, it’s getting to the point where I’m almost like “whatever” when we actually hang out. And thinking about how the last date went down actually has my blood boiling.

When we were planning the date, he suggested that we go to a bar in his area, and that’s what we did. We had one round of drinks, Gin & Tonic for him, wine spritzer for me. He asked me if we should go to a different bar after, which we did, and he paid for the first round. When we arrived at the second bar (which he also chose), we had a short convo about if we’d pay by card or cash. Neither of us had much cash with us, and that was when he also mentioned that he had a rather tight budget for drinks. I think I said that I could get the second round, but then he wanted to pay by card and have me give him the cash, which was fine by me. We had the same drinks again, and I think that I should mention here that his was actually double the price of mine. However, I gave him the money for the second round as we had discussed. I actually didn’t even think about it. But where it gets really interesting is that we then stopped by a bodega where he got a third drink. (I didn’t want anything.) And I’m really confused: So he had no budget for the drinks he chose to have at the bars he knows and suggested, has me pay more than I would have actually needed to, but still needs to buy something for the road even though that would also be out of his budget???

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here or if I’m petty, but in my opinion, if you can’t afford to take someone out barhopping, then you don’t. There are many other things that are cheap but still make a fun date. Like feeding ducks. And you especially don’t claim that you’re on a tight budget and can’t pay for an additional glass of wine, but yet have the money to get something from the bodega.

As I mentioned, I didn’t think about all this at the moment, especially because, opposed to the impression you may get from this post, I generally don’t think that much about money. I think it’s a stupid construct that humans developed to serve us, just to have us become slaves to it. So I also don’t really care who pays for what as long as things are fair. But I guess what really frustrates me in this case here is that the guy who has already shown me that he’s not overly generous with his time for me also can’t be bothered to literally invest in an evening with me, even though he clearly has the means, but rather gives me some bullshit explanation.

The worst thing is, I don’t even know if I should or would want to address it. I mean, even though highly unlikely, it could be that I’m pissed for no good reason and that it was just a miscommunication. But firstly, I’m also very non-confrontational and secondly, I don’t believe that a conversation would do much, except for me feeling stupid for arguing about money. So I guess my only option here is to see and wait how things play out in the next couple of weeks before I decide whether or not I should dump his ass.

In any case, you will get an update. In the meanwhile, I’ll be happy to read what you think about all this. Am I the overanalyzing asshole here? How do you handle money issues during the very first stages of dating?

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