Tag Archives: birthday

Just blogging

Thank you!

Friday was my birthday.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you may know that I’m getting super weird around this date, meaning that I find most kinds of human interactions overwhelming or challenging, to say the least.

Honestly, there’s not much that leaves me with as much anxiety as an upcoming birthday. In my past experiences, you have to go through annoying small talk, people you barely know are giving you hugs, you get crappy presents, and it’s pretty much expected that you invite people to cake and drinks. (WTF, why would I have to invite someone if it’s MY birthday?) The prospect of all the potential awkwardness usually makes me wanna crawl into a hole and never come back.

But this year, my birthday has been preety great – even though I didn’t plan anything at all.

So I spent my day at work, which was normal, and then, I had a walk around Cologne and did some window shopping (more or less: I did try on stuff, but was underwhelmed. So all I bought were some nice lotions, that aways makes me happy.) Also, I was SO surprised by how many people have messaged me throughout the day. It was far from what I expected.

A few years ago, I probably would have made a sarky comment about people leaving a comment/ birthday wishes after Facebook invites them to, but today, I had the feeling that all the messages I got (on and off Facebook) were truly genuine. And honestly, they made my day. I was also really happy to get back in touch with people I haven’t really spoken with lately. It was great to reconnect.
Therefore, to everyone who thought of me and sent a message: thank you so much! You don’t even know how grateful I am to have such amazing friends and “family” members in my life and I truly appreciated your messages and I loved the Skype conversations and phone calls.

Also, I was shocked to see what my roommates came up with. We’ve only lived togehter for a few months now, but somehow, they know my taste really, really well, it’s almost scary. Needless to say, it was an amazing surprise. (Though, on the other hand, I don’t think I’m that hard to please. Just give me wine and some pretty clothes. And if you throw in some skincare, I’m in heaven.)

Again, I had a wonderful birthday, so thank you for that!
(Now I only need five more of these to erase my stupid anxiety :D)

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Just blogging

Birthday anxiety

My birthday is coming up and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

Before you think: “Oh right, another chick who can’t handle getting older.”, I don’t care about my age. I’m actually somewhat looking forward to having white hair, wearing makeup that makes me look like a crazy clown and hopefully getting a much deeper voice which doesn’t sound like it belongs to a 13-year-old. (I always wanted my voice too sound more like Scarlett Johansson’s.)

Though there have been mulitple moments where I felt that I’m failing at existing – according to societal conventions – I don’t really care anymore. The last time the thought of having to be an adult stressed me out was right before my 18th birthday. But since then, I found out that pretty much everyone sucks at adulting. Besides, my family seems to have stopped wondering if I’m a Lesbian or not ever since and I’m also starting to find people amusing who ask me about kids and marriage. I’m actually looking forward to never having kids and just spend all my (fictional) money on designer and travels, especially because I can justify all that by quoting Schopenhauer – not that I have to. And I’m almost proud of being an eternal student. You don’t find many of us anymore. These teens nowadays…. they have become so serious, urgh.

However, I do put quite some pressure on myself. Just for the story, it would be so sad if my life was mediocre. So it can either be tragic (which it is already tbh) or fucking amazing. Like spending-all-day-yachting-with-my-friends-and-drinking-champagne-amazing.
I don’t wanna be that tragic figure. (Besides, every tragic figure becomes really annoying over time, that’s why they always end up killing themselves. And I’m over that.)

So there really is no other choice than becoming great. No pressure at all.

But what I really don’t like about birthdays is being the center of attention. Well, I don’t mind being the center of attention, I just want it to be for something I deserve.

But being born is not an achievement. Neither is staying alive, even though that would make much more sense to me. (Besides, I actually like listening to the BeeGees.) But we’re not living in the 1800s anymore, where sudden infant death was a real thing. And thanks to the stigma, being mentally stable doesn’t count as an achievement either.

So I don’t really see the point of celebrating my birthday. And if it’s just for the milestones, I prefer having a party for each single one of those. Seriously, why would I wait a year if I can can get drunk immediately?

One of the first things my roommates asked me after I moved in was the date of my birthday. So apparently, they’re going to plan something.
I just hate that thought. I want to spend a normal day doing what I always do and not having to have stiff conversations around a diabetes-causing cake that’ll make me nauseous. I also don’t want to open shitty presents and smile politely while thinking about throwing this new [insert anything unnecessary/ ugly /unwanted / all of the above] in the trash or reusing it as a gift for someone I hate (or date; I just noticed how similar those two words sound).

I also think that birthdays fall under the same category as NYE. People put so much pressure on them, it has to be the best day of the year. But – surprise! – it rarely is. So you most probably end up diappointed.
The birthdays I remember were days of weird family get-togethers and food poisoning (the real one, not induced by alcohol). And of course birthdays where I felt that something special should happen, but that just wasn’t the case. Instead, they were just like any other day, or even worse.

All that is the reason why I just don’t wanna celebrate my birthday. In my opinion, birthdays are just a compilation of awkward moments. So if you want to make me a birthday present, just spare me.

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Birthday week & moments of depression

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Some of my friends take their birthdays very seriously. They throw amazing parties and even dedicate the entire week to it.

To me however, my birthday has not that much importance. I played with the thought to have a huge party this year, but I don’t feel like it any more. My week has been pretty mundane so far as well.

I have no idea why I don’t care about my birthday. Maybe it’s because I think that being brought to this world involuntarily isn’t an accomplishment that deserves being celebrated. Neither is slowly approaching death.

Though I do get mad when friends or people who should remember my birthday don’t. So in some sort, I’m denying my own existence but am pissed if others don’t acknowledge it.

There was a period where my situation was a little different from now, though not too much. It w a time where I quite often had thoughts like “If I’m still around next year..” and so I felt that each year living would be something I could be proud of.

Now I’m more like “whatever”. The latent suicidal thoughts have significantly decreased, which is good, I guess, but there are still days where I feel that simply existing is just incredibly hard. And what for anyway?

“What motivates you to get up in the morning?” You’ve probably come across this question at some point in your life. Can you answer it? If yes, what would your answer be? I really thought about it many times and I still have nothing. Probably because I haven’t found anything I’m truly (or even remotely) passionate about. I thought of testing a bunch of new activities, trying something different every week. Maybe in this way, I’ll find something that I enjoy so much that it can become a passion.

Speaking of motivation, I know that I have to change my shitty mindset. So I’m currently trying meditation and I also read a bunch of articles. And no kidding, every time there’s a line like “Make a difference” or something, I’m literally thinking “What for, we’re all going to die anyways”.

Sometimes, I really admire religious people. They seem to have a reason to exist and maybe their beliefs give them some extra strength. But then, religion is such an abstract thing to me, it just wouldn’t work.

Counselling has worked for me, so that’s back on. As for my bday, I’m not really doing anything. But I know that my mom has planned something, so I’m sure that’ll be fun.

 

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