Tomorrow is my birthday.
Some of my friends take their birthdays very seriously. They throw amazing parties and even dedicate the entire week to it.
To me however, my birthday has not that much importance. I played with the thought to have a huge party this year, but I don’t feel like it any more. My week has been pretty mundane so far as well.
I have no idea why I don’t care about my birthday. Maybe it’s because I think that being brought to this world involuntarily isn’t an accomplishment that deserves being celebrated. Neither is slowly approaching death.
Though I do get mad when friends or people who should remember my birthday don’t. So in some sort, I’m denying my own existence but am pissed if others don’t acknowledge it.
There was a period where my situation was a little different from now, though not too much. It w a time where I quite often had thoughts like “If I’m still around next year..” and so I felt that each year living would be something I could be proud of.
Now I’m more like “whatever”. The latent suicidal thoughts have significantly decreased, which is good, I guess, but there are still days where I feel that simply existing is just incredibly hard. And what for anyway?
“What motivates you to get up in the morning?” You’ve probably come across this question at some point in your life. Can you answer it? If yes, what would your answer be? I really thought about it many times and I still have nothing. Probably because I haven’t found anything I’m truly (or even remotely) passionate about. I thought of testing a bunch of new activities, trying something different every week. Maybe in this way, I’ll find something that I enjoy so much that it can become a passion.
Speaking of motivation, I know that I have to change my shitty mindset. So I’m currently trying meditation and I also read a bunch of articles. And no kidding, every time there’s a line like “Make a difference” or something, I’m literally thinking “What for, we’re all going to die anyways”.
Sometimes, I really admire religious people. They seem to have a reason to exist and maybe their beliefs give them some extra strength. But then, religion is such an abstract thing to me, it just wouldn’t work.
Counselling has worked for me, so that’s back on. As for my bday, I’m not really doing anything. But I know that my mom has planned something, so I’m sure that’ll be fun.