Just blogging

Weekly Diary #8

I need more than 24 hours in a day, I don’t even know how October passed this quickly. Between work, trying to get organized for my university stuff (which I’m still failing at btw), job searches, preparing for Halloween, and some unnecessary drama, my head was spinning. I’m truly wondering why I’m attracting all this drama now, I’ve never been this kind of person before.

Maybe it’s the city and the people here, or maybe it’s because I’ve reached an age where compromise gets harder and where I’m less willing to be agreeable about everything. However, I’m not getting any deeper into the nature of the drama. It’s very personal, though, who am I kidding, it’s not like that has ever stopped me before. But it’s way too recent for me to talk about it without ruining my day. And it’s also not really that interesting. I’m in love with someone who’s emotionally not there. It’s a story as old as humankind. I even wrote a poem about it, which I then deleted, because it sucked. I guess that means that I did a really good job with the writing after all, since it really conveyed the feeling of sucky suckiness.

I spent the last days ugly crying, listening to a lot of Sufjan Stevens, and doing a bunch of impulse shopping. I got some new decoration items for my home, fancy dresses for the next big occasion that will never present itself, and a latex bunny mask, because why not. Now, I’m waiting for all that to arrive, as well as the large black hoodies I ordered so that I can hide from the world, even when I’m not hiding in bed, sleeping 15 hours a day.

And of course, I had a bomb Halloween party to take my mind off things. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve probably already seen the make-ups I tried, leading up to my phenomenal costume as Angel of Death to celebrate the pinnacle of the spooky season. But since I have narcissistic tendencies, I’ll happily share the photos here.

While preparing these looks, I noticed how giddy I get when I can let my inner goth out. And so I set a new goal for myself, which is getting into makeup. But only next year, because I still want to finish my degree first.

I’m taking care not to say “have to” and say “want to” instead so that I can trick my brain into being motivated. It doesn’t really work, though, and I still have some doubts if that future degree will make finding an interesting job any easier. I mean, I study linguistics. The only thing I’m good at is reading stuff, talking, and writing. And there are moments where I even have difficulties with that. Exhibit A: My wonderfully awful poem I’m too ashamed to show to anyone.

Funnily just earlier today, I had a very short interview with a headhunter. (Somehow, that term always makes me think of a hitman.) And so we were talking about the job I’m currently doing and what my expertise is. She was about to ask me something to understand my current day-to-day better and started her question by saying “Are you capable of…”, and immediately, I went like “Nope, I’m definitely not capable.” in my head. And I’m not even kidding when I’m saying that this is how I really feel. Not only when it comes to a job, but just everyday life. Somehow, I have no clue how to do things, and the idea that I once thought I’d have my life figured out by reaching my 20s, aka ten years ago, is just ridiculous.

Fortunately, I’m not the only one who thinks that the way our society does life and responsibilities is nothing but a big scam. When I look at my group of friends, we all seem to never grow up. At least not in the way that we thought was required, with slick parted hair, a tidy single-family house in a suburban neighborhood, and a Golden Retriever. We rather have inappropriate conversations and throw dress-up parties that help us escape reality and deal with the Millennial angst.

I guess that’s why astrology and spiritual practices are having such a boom among Millennials. They provide the perfect escapism and offer some peace of mind.

“The universe will guide you. You just need to manifest your reality. But don’t worry if you have trouble raising your vibrations right now, we still are in Mercury retroshade, and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Here, you can use these crystals to help you balance your energy. Also, yoga is really good for your chakras.”

I feel all warm and fuzzy already, just by typing these lines. It’s pretty similar to a religion that helps to have faith in us and, well, the universe and its mysterious ways. Actually, I think I will go get my crystals and sage my room for good measure, Then I’ll make some hot tea and hide under my blanket while probably having an anxiety attack about everything I didn’t do today. That’s my idea of a great afternoon. Enjoy yours as well, cheers! ✌️

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