Just blogging, Weekly Diary

One week in bed

Get your mind out of the gutter you little perv, it’s not what you’re thinking 😜
Today is day seven of me being cooped up at home, just moving from my bed to my couch and vice versa. The reason for this is that I had a small surgery last week because I tore my meniscus while jogging sometime last year. It’s funny that I, out of all people, managed to have a sports injury – I’m not athletic at all. In all honesty, I’m already proud when I’m “working out” for ten minutes, meaning just lying on the floor, on my back, and occasionally lifting my butt in the air while watching beautiful people on shows like Bachelor in Paradise. I do this since I was a teenager. Back then, I spent my afternoons doing bridges and watching Fashion TV. I mean, it’s all about the right mindset, isn’t it? And since I truly believe that Subliminals can work, I’m just helping my mind visualize.

But I also have phases where I’m super motivated to work out and go for a run. Like after eating too many carbs (thanks Diet Culture!), when realizing that summer is only one week away, or on January 1. On those occasions, which occur about every couple of months, I’m also convinced that one workout will fully transform my body and that my before-and-after-running look in the mirror will be just as striking as the fake transformations on infomercials. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, tearing my meniscus during a one-hour run after several months of no training at all isn’t that surprising.

Outside my rare exercise crazes, I’m really not athletic. I mostly just go for long walks. Granted, I’m walking at a very aggressive pace, but that’s as far as it goes. I never understood this mentality of No pain, no gain. One could argue that I should have it in my DNA to excel at competitive sports, my mom used to be an athlete, but I just never saw the point of jumping the highest or running the fastest. I also don’t really like being sweaty. PE was my personal hell at school.

I remember that classmates tried to encourage me for sprints, saying stupid things like “Imagine there’s a tiger trying to get you”, thinking that it’d make me go faster. Sure, we were only 11 years old, but a tiger? I’m not even addressing the fact that cities are growing faster than carcinogenic cells, we succeeded in reducing the population of wolves to a minimum, they’re almost extinct in Germany. And you want me to imagine being chased by a fucking tiger??? Besides, I’m pretty sure it’d be a very bad idea to run from a tiger, even though it probably wouldn’t make that big of a difference if you’re being ripped apart after 3 or 5 seconds.

But even though I’m everything but a fitness addict, I’m really struggling with sitting at home all day long. It’s crazy how much the physical state impacts the mind. Yesterday has been the worst day yet, I didn’t get anything done. Being physically lazy also turned my mind into a lethargic mush. The lack of vitamin D, back pain from being sedentary all day long, and the absence of social interaction of course didn’t help with my mood. And if that wasn’t enough, my inner critic started telling me that I’m an absolute failure because I didn’t use my time efficiently. Fun times.

Fortunately, I’m slowly able to walk again, and I also had the first appointment for my physical therapy. It’s really fun watching my body recover. And makes being grateful so much easier.

Usually, I’m not really able to leave my mindset of a spoiled brat. Sure, I get the logic behind being grateful for simple things, even if it’s something that seems pretty basic, like running water, food, electricity, etc. But I also think that having very basic needs covered should be the norm for everyone everywhere. So when I try to write down the things I’m grateful for, I usually end up yelling “Fuck this shit, fuck the government, fuck this existence!”. So it’s not really having the desired effect. I’d rather go on r/ABoringDystopia to find some peace of mind. I guess misery does love company, and thanks to this subreddit, I feel less alone in my existential angst. Just look at the screenshot on the right. If you’re a millennial living in an apartment that’s just about the size of a shoebox, having toast for dinner because that’s the only thing you can afford until the end of the month even though it’s only the 10th, you might find some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone leading a crappy existence.

But right now, I really don’t care about not being able to afford anything and being a disappointment to my parents because I’m learning how to walk again! Without support! It’s like I’m being transported back to when I was an infant and when the world was fun and fascinating instead of sad and depressing. And since my doctor mentioned that it might take up to three months until I reach full mobility again, I can look forward to reaching a new milestone every day. Until I’m fully recovered and back to drowning my sorrows in alcohol, just like everyone else. What a time to be alive.

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BS on social media

Bad advice

With depression, a major point on my agenda is procrastination. I can either spend hours sitting on my phone, looking at memes which I don’t even remember two seconds later, or I watch tons of videos on YouTube. While doing the latter, I recently came across a video with the clickbaity title “10 Things You Should Keep Private | NEVER Share These Things”. And since I’m constantly worrying about how people, especially guys, view me, I of course had to watch it.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe something that would reveal extreme negativity or would make the other person feel insecure. But instead, the list was as follows:

I think the only item I can get on board with is number 9. That indeed is non-negotiable. Although, I’m not sure if I’d keep a secret if friend A told me they were planning to kill friend B. Or if they were cheating. Or anything like that. I would most definitely tell friend B. I guess it’s a question of where your moral compass is pointing in some cases.

  • 1. Intimate details of your relationships, especially with your partner (sex details, shows respect for privacy)
  • 2. Income and financial situation (income/bank account status; create negative intentions)
  • 3. Future goals (sharing your goals without starting can allow others to taint your vision) move in silence until you succeed
  • 4. Arguments and fights (keep any disagreements between the parties involved) Give respect and wish that person well.
  • 5. Family problems (no one is perfect, and we all have flaws, but there’s no need to tell others about these issues)
  • 6. Medical condition (do share medical issues unless it’s family or your doctor.
  • 7. Acts of kindness (don’t help others to get something in return)
  • 8. Therapy sessions (don’t share the details of your therapy session; it should only be said in your sessions)
  • 9. Secrets about others (private conversation you have with others. They trust you with this information, so keep it secretive)
  • 10. Mistakes and regrets (they don’t define us; they’re a part of are past and not the present. You learned from it and moved on. Constantly talking about it can damage your image. Don’t share was went wrong in your past relationships; you have moved on from it.

This list has really left me wondering what people are supposed to talk about with their friends. I mean, what topics does it leave you with, besides the weather? But before I’ll get into each item, I think it’s important to mention that the channel featuring the video should supposedly enhance femininity and self-improvement. The hashtags used in the video description are #privacy, #femininity, #elegance.

I thought that there’d maybe be a disclaimer saying that the video is meant to guide you through conversations with people you newly met, but no. It specifically says to “never share with others”, no matter what your relation to them is.

Maybe I’m expecting too much, but my understanding is that videos are nowadays made for women should empower women, and therefore also be feminist. And just for the record, I don’t see a conflict between being very feminine and elegant and being a feminist. (I actually have no idea why that has ever been called into question by some people.) So now that I have mentioned that, let’s dive in.

Let’s start with
1Intimate details of your relationships
I don’t know what other people’s relationships are like with their friends, but my friends and I are pretty open about everything. Picture us talking like in Sex and the City. I’ve openly talked about role play, anal, literally anything about my friends. And of course, my friends are always there if I need some advice when it comes to dating and relationships. And, of course, vice versa. However, we still manage to always keep it classy, and we never share details that are too intimate or would expose someone’s partner in any way. In addition to that, sexual liberation and self-determination are only possible in an environment that allows people to talk about their experiences. What I find problematic about statement number 1 is that it pretty much prohibits that exchange. But how should people learn what’s normal or not? How would they become aware of abusive behavior when, because of a lack of talking, they don’t have any comparison to what other people are experiencing? Not talking only benefits predators and any kind of unwanted behavior. The #MeeToo and #Time’sUp movements proved that. Telling people to shut up doesn’t do any good to anyone. There’s a reason why Salt-N-Pepa made a song encouraging people to talk about sex. Geniuses.

2Income and financial situation
Wait what now? I should add that the video was indeed made in 2021. Exactly, after we’ve finally all become aware of the pay gap and the fact that women and minorities have a much harder time getting promotions or equal pay as their white male colleagues. According to the video, talks about money should be avoided because they can “create an uncomfortable work environment”. But guess what’s even more uncomfortable? Having trouble making ends meet because your fucking boss is discriminating against you through your monthly salary.

3 – Future goals
Okay, I can respect that to some point. Personally, I have this fear that I jinx something when I talk about potential possibilities or future endeavors with others. But at the same time, sharing your ambitions with others can have huge benefits. I’ve had multiple occasions where my friends or even just acquaintances helped me get a job. Or had ideas that could help me with my plans. Also, talking about your projects can help you stay motivated. As for having your vision tainted: I don’t think that this will happen when you believe in yourself. I don’t see how someone else’s opinion could have you throw everything overboard just because they might have a different opinion. Besides, getting someone else’s point of view can only be beneficial and add to your perspective. Or they can provide constructive criticism. All that will only be helpful on the way. And with any advice or criticism, you’ll always have the choice to take it or leave it.

4 – Arguments and fights
This is pretty much the same as with relationships. I probably tend to overanalyze every interaction I have with people, but when fighting with someone, I’ve found it really helpful in the past to have my friends tell me what they think of it. Because sometimes, I wonder if I’m overreacting, or if my emotional response is justified. Having someone I trust to point out if I was out of line or simply being gaslighted has really helped me to deal with conflicts and to trust my gut. And btw, you can of course be respectful while talking about a fight you had with someone. These are not mutually exclusive.

5 – Family problems
Again, same as with relationships, so I won’t dive too deep into this. Why is this even on the list? As far as I know, everyone has a somewhat messy family. The only thing besides talking about it with a therapist is talking about it with your friends. More often than not, people will be able to relate. It even seems to me as if most families all have the same issues. So why not ask someone you’re close to how they would handle a certain situation?

6 – Medical condition
Sure, never tell anyone if you’re suffering from any kind of condition or disease. Just keep it to yourself, let it fester and eat you up, and convince yourself you’re a burden to everyone around you. Make sure to keep everything secret from loved ones to really enjoy a much harder time throughout your struggle. It’s not like it’s been proven that having a great support system ups your chances of a successful recovery. Instead, experience the wonderful void when falling into that deep depression that will inevitably come when you feel like you have to face everything on your own. Because how could anyone help if they’re not a doctor? Fuck balloons or Get-well-cards. Or if (God forbid) you have any severe issues, just die surprisingly, because who doesn’t love a shocking turn of events.

7 – Acts of kindness
In elementary school, we had the Christmas tradition of preparing a shoebox with nice and useful gifts for underprivileged children. We put in toys, some non-perishable snacks, crayons, and other little goodies. I always loved doing that, and I hope these boxes made some kids’ Christmas a little more memorable.
I don’t know why I didn’t keep going with this tradition after elementary school, but last year, I picked it back up, making boxes for homeless people. During this time, I of course talked to my friends about it, and I asked if they wanted to contribute as well. Two did, and we ended up having more than just one box. So again, I don’t get why you would want to keep acts of kindness to yourself unless maybe you’re being boastful and the only goal is to point out what a great person you are. But in any other situation, talking about a good deed can inspire others to do the same and eventually make the world a tiny little bit better.

8 – Therapy sessions
I’m starting to wonder if this list is just really nonsensical, or if I just don’t have any boundaries. Which wouldn’t be surprising, given that all I do in this blog is to write about very personal stuff. Anyway, I talk about my therapy sessions all the time. Sometimes, I use the things my therapist says to me when I try to give advice to a friend. And other times, I talk about how I agree or disagree with my therapist. Doing so has actually helped me to figure out that my last therapist wasn’t helping me at all. Ranting about her to my friends every week was definitely useful to realize that she wasn’t the right fit for me, and they supported me when I decided to end sessions with her.

9 – Secrets about others
As I said in the beginning, this is the only one I fully agree with. Moving on.

10 – Mistakes and regrets
Jesus Christ, why is everyone obsessed with seeming infallible to others? What’s so bad about mistakes and regrets that you could never ever talk about them? I definitely don’t agree with sharing what has not worked in the past will damage your image. In my opinion, it’s the contrary. When you can explain why something has turned out to be an unsuccessful experience, what part you had in it and what you’ve learned from it, that’s a sign of strength. Maybe you shouldn’t lead a convo with listing all the things that went wrong in your past, but when someone asks you about a specific situation, why not? It can be helpful to the person who’s asking, and even for you when you see if you’re still triggered by it or not. It also shows that you have character and that can be vulnerable, which is also proof of a strong personality. Talking about failures also makes you relatable and can help you connect with others. For what other reason would people enjoy sharing stories of when they got totally shitfaced at the bar? If you’re in the position of mentoring someone, showing that nobody’s perfect can help your mentee to put too much pressure on themselves and gain trust in their own abilities.

Verdict
While giving my two cents about all the things one should keep quiet about, I was constantly thinking, “Who hurt you?”. Honestly, to me, this list reeks of insecurity and the fear of being betrayed, which is a shame, and I wish the person coming up with this was able to put more trust into others. What I find highly problematic is the underlying, internalized misogyny. Even though what I wrote to each item applies to both sexes, the video is clearly made for women as a targeted audience. This is made very clear in the video and also in its description and hashtags. So if you look at each item again, you will notice that women are basically told (by another woman) to shut up and never talk about their experiences and struggles. I guess anything else is considered unladylike and inelegant? Why does this video discourage women from talking about their sexuality, how much they’re earning, or future goals? What’s not feminine about that, and why should these topics be excluded from a conversation? To me, that sounds a lot like “Keep a woman in her place” and putting them at a disadvantage by discouraging transparency.
Besides, I don’t care if it’s classy or elegant or not, I have the best time talking with my friends about dick and everything considered inappropriate. And I largely prefer having a fun conversation over a politically correct one.

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Just blogging

Weekly Diary #8

I need more than 24 hours in a day, I don’t even know how October passed this quickly. Between work, trying to get organized for my university stuff (which I’m still failing at btw), job searches, preparing for Halloween, and some unnecessary drama, my head was spinning. I’m truly wondering why I’m attracting all this drama now, I’ve never been this kind of person before.

Maybe it’s the city and the people here, or maybe it’s because I’ve reached an age where compromise gets harder and where I’m less willing to be agreeable about everything. However, I’m not getting any deeper into the nature of the drama. It’s very personal, though, who am I kidding, it’s not like that has ever stopped me before. But it’s way too recent for me to talk about it without ruining my day. And it’s also not really that interesting. I’m in love with someone who’s emotionally not there. It’s a story as old as humankind. I even wrote a poem about it, which I then deleted, because it sucked. I guess that means that I did a really good job with the writing after all, since it really conveyed the feeling of sucky suckiness.

I spent the last days ugly crying, listening to a lot of Sufjan Stevens, and doing a bunch of impulse shopping. I got some new decoration items for my home, fancy dresses for the next big occasion that will never present itself, and a latex bunny mask, because why not. Now, I’m waiting for all that to arrive, as well as the large black hoodies I ordered so that I can hide from the world, even when I’m not hiding in bed, sleeping 15 hours a day.

And of course, I had a bomb Halloween party to take my mind off things. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve probably already seen the make-ups I tried, leading up to my phenomenal costume as Angel of Death to celebrate the pinnacle of the spooky season. But since I have narcissistic tendencies, I’ll happily share the photos here.

While preparing these looks, I noticed how giddy I get when I can let my inner goth out. And so I set a new goal for myself, which is getting into makeup. But only next year, because I still want to finish my degree first.

I’m taking care not to say “have to” and say “want to” instead so that I can trick my brain into being motivated. It doesn’t really work, though, and I still have some doubts if that future degree will make finding an interesting job any easier. I mean, I study linguistics. The only thing I’m good at is reading stuff, talking, and writing. And there are moments where I even have difficulties with that. Exhibit A: My wonderfully awful poem I’m too ashamed to show to anyone.

Funnily just earlier today, I had a very short interview with a headhunter. (Somehow, that term always makes me think of a hitman.) And so we were talking about the job I’m currently doing and what my expertise is. She was about to ask me something to understand my current day-to-day better and started her question by saying “Are you capable of…”, and immediately, I went like “Nope, I’m definitely not capable.” in my head. And I’m not even kidding when I’m saying that this is how I really feel. Not only when it comes to a job, but just everyday life. Somehow, I have no clue how to do things, and the idea that I once thought I’d have my life figured out by reaching my 20s, aka ten years ago, is just ridiculous.

Fortunately, I’m not the only one who thinks that the way our society does life and responsibilities is nothing but a big scam. When I look at my group of friends, we all seem to never grow up. At least not in the way that we thought was required, with slick parted hair, a tidy single-family house in a suburban neighborhood, and a Golden Retriever. We rather have inappropriate conversations and throw dress-up parties that help us escape reality and deal with the Millennial angst.

I guess that’s why astrology and spiritual practices are having such a boom among Millennials. They provide the perfect escapism and offer some peace of mind.

“The universe will guide you. You just need to manifest your reality. But don’t worry if you have trouble raising your vibrations right now, we still are in Mercury retroshade, and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Here, you can use these crystals to help you balance your energy. Also, yoga is really good for your chakras.”

I feel all warm and fuzzy already, just by typing these lines. It’s pretty similar to a religion that helps to have faith in us and, well, the universe and its mysterious ways. Actually, I think I will go get my crystals and sage my room for good measure, Then I’ll make some hot tea and hide under my blanket while probably having an anxiety attack about everything I didn’t do today. That’s my idea of a great afternoon. Enjoy yours as well, cheers! ✌️

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Dating

The Front Porch Test

If you’ve watched How I Met Your Mother, you probably know Lily’s Front Porch Test. If you don’t, go watch it right now, because you’re missing a huge part of pop culture and also a great deal of life advice. Honestly, even after rewatching every episode at least 4 times, I can’t argue that pretty much everything in the show is somewhat applicable to my life. Well, except maybe the goat and getting injured by my friends.

Anyway, there’s this one episode that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, it’s The Front Porch Test. If you haven’t seen the show (watch it!): The Front Porch Test is basically an estimation of how well your date will integrate themselves into your group of friends and how well they will interact with them. The ideal is that the entire group grows old together and spends fun afternoons together playing a fictive card game on someone’s front porch.

Also, two of my closest friends are getting married this year, and so thinking of who would be fun and suitable enough to bring to the wedding has become my very own Front Porch Test. No one wants to look at photos and say, “Oh, there’s the […] people I love most in the world. And Bob.” So now I try to imagine who would be a great wedding date (even if I won’t bring a date – I’m writing this for the bride to be and who’s probably been like “Wtf, you’re not getting a + one!” this past minute. I love you. :*)

So as you guessed, similar to the show, my friends and I are super tight. And for some outsiders, we may come across as this weird community with funny rules that don’t match conventional ways. Sometimes, we joke about creating a cult which promotes an alternative lifestyle, similar to some in the 70s. In short, we’re a weird but very loving and loyal little bunch and especially during this last year, I’ve realized that my friends truly are my second family, as cliché as that sounds.

However, I also know that our group dynamic might not be for everyone and that some people would probably feel a little overwhelmed. And so with that in mind, whenever I was on a date, I started trying to imagine what would happen if I threw my date into this group.

Most of the time, things have ended way before the question of meeting the other person’s friends has even come up. But for the other times, it’s been interesting to watch. Though, I’d say that except for one, most of them managed rather meeehhh – which wasn’t a good sign, of course.

Sometimes, I imagine having people meet my friends who probably won’t be that comfortable with their openness and absence of polite filters. And just for the sake of my own entertainment, I actually invite them to everything. But then I think of how well they would actually fit in the group, and let’s say that I’d rather be surprised if it was a good match.

Now that could be a very conclusive assessment about my personality and my romantic choices. But this text isn’t about me, at least not primarily, so fuck that – I’m perfect.

Yet, I haven’t really met anyone who was comfortable enough with my friends. And since they’re the greatest part of my life, I would never want to date anyone who doesn’t fit in our cute little special group.

Because in the end, if there’s no one to count on, you can always count on your friends.

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Just blogging

What would you do if you died tomorrow?

I know, that’s such a corny question. So corny that it’s close to having a tattoo that says Carpe Diem. So corny that Nicholas Sparks would answer with a poop emoji if you texted him that question. And yet, that question popped into my head yesterday. (Well I guess I have a predisposition for corny stuff, I do love romcoms after all.)

Before I’m getting into details, it’s maybe a good idea to give you some background information first. So for a few weeks know, I’m noticing once again that I probably can’t eat all types of food. I’m sparing you the details, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that my intestins are not reacting well to wheat and/or gluten. And maybe some other stuff, too, since it’s been almost impossible for me to eat anything without some sort of complications. Of course, I’ve already seen a doctor and am currently doing all the exams to know what exactly is causing problems, but so far, there hasn’t been anything conclusive. But I was asked if we there were cases of cancer in my family. My doctor has such great humor.

Now I don’t think that I have cancer or anything severe, but I still asked myself: If that were the case and if I died tomorrow, would I be satisfied with my life so far? Would there be anything I regret? And even though I don’t have any regrets, my answer to the first question would be “It was ok.” Just that, nothing more, nothing less.

Have you heard of the marshmallow experiment? Where kids receive one marshmallow and if they manage to wait for a certain amount of time without eating that marshmallow, they receive another one? The marshmallow experiment supposedly shows who’s going to be successful in life (people who can make sacrifices for now to have a better result later) and who isn’t. I alsways thought I would be part of the latter. Though I would have done pretty well on the marshmallow experiment as I find marshmallows disgusting. But as for everything else, I find it incredibly hard and unnecessary to make sacrifices. My mom would say that’s because of my astrological sign, but I just think, if I can have something right now, why wait? However, I’ve tried to make some responsible choices, and since there’s no one else but me who’s paying for my fancies, holding back on certain things has become rather easy.

I’ve postponed travels because I thought it would be smarter to wait and really plan everything instead of just going somewhere, I’ve partly sacrificed my social life because I want to be successful in my work (and ultimatively earn a shitload of money of course). However, when thinking of the very abstract idea of dying tomorrow, these decisions, as smart as they may be in the moment, don’t seem smart at all. On the contrary.

If I was on my deathbed tomorrow, I would definitely be sad about not having spent enough time with my friends and not having travelled to all the places I wanted to. Also, it would also suck to acknowledge that I haven’t found a person to travel with, yet. I mean it’s awesome to be independent and stuff, but if it means doing stuff alone most of the time, it’s not always that great.

So what’s my verdict from this thought experiment? I sure don’t want to reverse my entire lifestyle. My work and professional success will always be very important to me as will be my independence. So to find a balance between me being somewhat of a workaholic, I will also focus on keeping my friendships strong and building new relationships as well. And I’m also planning my next vacation.

PS: Leave a comment if you recognize the featured image 🙂

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Just blogging

“Being drunk adds value to everything else in life.”

That is by far my most favorite quote from KUWTK! You cannot imagine how much I love Khloé for saying that. As soon as I heard it, I decided: “That’s going to be my motto.” Though tbh, it’s already been my motto, I just never put it in these words.

Funnily, I started drinking kinda late. When I was 17, it was a very good year… No, I was 18, actually. But since I didn’t do the whole take shots-drink-alcopops-and-use-funnels-thing (except for 1,2 occasions), I actually learned how to appreciate wine. Especially because I lived in France during that time.

Not that we don’t appreciate drinking in Germany, we mainly just use less sophisticated beverages. Think about it: Drinking beer at 10 AM is trashy AF. But having mimosas for breakfast is perfectly acceptable. Same goes for wine vs beer at noon.

Besides learning how to appreciate wine, I also noticed that it makes everyone’s company so much more enjoyable. Therefore, I wasn’t surprised when a former boyfriend told me that his family would pretty much empty an entire cellar during one family meeting. And I could totally relate – my family does exactly the same. But it’s not only your family that gets nicer with a few more glasses. I always find myself in way more interesting conversations or situations. After all, alcohol is a social lubricant, why else would they offer it en masse on The Bachelor? Though maybe I should add that I’m very friendly when drunk, I don’t get aggressive, unless there’s a chair I can fight over. (There was one funny incident in a bar. A good friend and I were sitting at a table with 3 chairs and since the bar was still empty at that time, I just put my bag on the third chair. One bottle of wine later, some dude came over and just wanted to grab the chair without asking. So I made this huge fight out of it and ended up yelling at him. I also think my friend was terrified.)

And I rarely get sad, either. On the contrary, I’m usually a little funnier and even wittier, or maybe it just seems like it because my senses are dulled, but I think that I’m at least a little more entertaining in one way or another. I also think that wine makes me more creative. It shuts up the inner critic. That’s why I barely ever write without a glass or two. (Or three, or four, or five…) Also, even though I would never consider me a writer, I’d love to be one. And the great ones, Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Allan Poe, Truman Capote, Hunter S. Thompson weren’t known for their healthy lifestyle and their addiction to juice cleanses. Well, except grape juice.

And aren’t the crazy things you think, feel, say, do while being drunk what makes a great story?

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Dating

Some thoughts on dating

I’m finally sitting here with the glass of wine I’ve been craving since noon earlier today, I had the weirdest day and kind of started it in a bad mood. Funnily, it was thanks to my students who – let’s be honest – I usually find a little annoying, though they’re also very sweet, that my mood has tremendously improved throughout the afternoon. Anyway, today is my rest day and I’ll also watch the dramatic finale of the German version of The Bachelor later tonight, so why not have some wine to go with it? Besides, my goal for the future is becoming one of PLL’s wine moms. Though without the basement, of course. And now that I’ve written the longest and most unnecessary introduction that has ever existed since the literary era of realism, I can get to the topic I actually want to write about today. (I’m even putting it in italic letters, so if you don’t like long introductions, you can just skip it. Oh, I should have mentioned that in the beginning, my bad.)

Ok, where do I start? If I was a contestant on The Bachelor, I’d say “I feel so blindsided!!” and start sobbing pitifully. But guess that would be slightly exaggerated in my situation, because I’m talking about a two-dates situation. Though in the Bachelor world, being crushed, devastated and losing faith in humanity would totally count as an adequate reaction to not getting a third rose (not even date). Maybe I should apply after all. I mean I already like booze, pretty dresses, free travels and exposing my soul to total strangers. Oh and I wouldn’t mind getting instafamous either.

So I was texting a guy I’ve been on exactly two dates so far after I met him through an app. He actually looked like on his photos and I didn’t hate our conversations. Actually, he was not the kinda guy you’d normally see on a dating app. However, he kinda stopped texting me back not too long after that (which is never a good sign of course) and even on our second date, there were a few awkward mix-ups already. But hey, I’m somewhat optimistic sometimes and so I didn’t mind having someone asking me about playing the violin even though I’ve never touched an instrument before.

Anyway, when I sugessted that we meet up this weekend, he told me that he’s gotten serious with some other chick in the meanwhile. First of all, seriously? How serious can you get with someone in the course of two weeks? And secondly, if you started seeing her before, why even bother meeting me? Especially if she’s really, I mean REALLY awesome. But I guess everyone understands what I’m implying here.

Somewhere in between many more mean, cynical and sarky thoughts (which I won’t share here, I can be really mean in my head), I also started wondering “When is the right moment to discuss what kind of relationship you want to have with someone?”.

As I mentioned in a former blogpost, I’m not opposed to an open relationship. But I think that in order to get there, you have to have a phase of plain monogmay where you get to know each other and especially each other’s boundaries, insecurities, doubts, daddy issues etc. to well establish a certain amount of trust before inviting other people in. Imo, if you don’t do that, you’re just a horny hippie who will most probably need all the drugs you can get just to be able to go through the drama that ensues (in addition to the 17 puberties you’ll have to deal with).

But how do you bring this sort of thing up on a first or second date? When I watched Netflix’ Dating Around, I was actually shocked by how quickly they spoke about future plans and about having children. They hadn’t even had dessert yet! I can’t even describe how weirded out I’d be if that happened to me. But then on the other hand, I will never have the same clarity within the first couple of dates as the people who ask these questions.

But maybe, I like the uncertainty. See, I knew from very early on that I’m not that much of a people’s person. Mostly because I like individuals instead of people in general. I also knew from a quite early age that having a career is more important to me than having an amazing social calendar (except if the social calendar is related to my career). I highly value being independent, to the point that I can hardly imagine living with someone I’m involved with romantically and who I can’t just ignore like my roommates. I guess all these things together are part of the reason why I don’t want to have kids and even why I dislike dogs. But when it comes to dating, I’ve noticed that actually many people fit in rather stereotypical, conservative patterns. Everyone seems to be looking for something secure, a sure thing, something that has the potential of lasting forever. And marriage of course. (My only reasons to get married would be the dress and the party.)

So you can probably say that I don’t exactly convey the security of a stable lifestyle. I move all the time. (I’m not even kidding, I moved 11 times in the last 10 years.) I like putting myself first. And I hate the idea of doing the same thing or person for the next 50 years to come. To me settling down sounds like a death penalty, which I’m very much opposed to.
Instead of getting a Golden Retriever, I want to travel the world and experience things. I definitely don’t want a conservative suburban life. But maybe that’s too complicated. Maybe I should want to wear mom jeans and just be happy. Maybe I’m too difficult by wanting someone who’s adventurous but also knows what he wants instead of trying to keep all options open. Maybe I should be less difficult and lower my expectations, just as some rather simple people have told me to. And maybe I should be less career oriented and valuing family more.
Well no, that won’t happen.

I want to spend my time with someone who shares the same values and who isn’t afraid of commitment. Someone who prefers complexity over comfort. And who’s also insanely hot and smart AF of course. But then again, dating just isn’t a priority for me, even though I have to admit that I do own a copy of Matthew Hussey’s book. But I’m way more interested in communication techniques in general than in attracting guys and finding love. However, if by any chance, you’re a hot guy with great intellect, feel free to drop me a line. But only if you’re a cat person.

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Dating

Love & courage

Words can’t describe how I feel right now. I’m in a huge black void, there’s nothing but emptiness. And all I want is to take a break from the world and its mundane matters. All I want is to be surrounded by vast nothingness until I’m ok. Like deep diving diving in the ocean. With all my senses numbed and I hear nothing but my breathing. That’s what I want right now.

We didn’t make any promises, we didn’t have any expectations. Yet, nothing stays as light as may be in the beginning. And even without expectations, you still hope for the best, you even trick yourself into believing that best possible outcome will happen. But then things get too complicated. And we’re in an era where convenience trumps complication. Bold statements seem to be a relic from the past. If there’s even a slight chance of getting hurt, many of us don’t seem to be ready for the dare. And before something has even begun, it’s s the end.

Does no one read books any more? How come that everyone’s trying to play things safe? And what’s the point in that, after all? The great loves are the crazy ones. (Thank you, Blair.) What would we even read if Goethe, Austen, Verlaine etc. had decided that love has to be easy and convenient?
Nothing worth having is easy to get. So why are we so eager to blow things off when it comes to love? Is it fear? Is it a lack of courage? Maybe both?

No one wants to be hurt, of course. But does that mean that we have to be cautious with everything? What happened to the All-in-or-out-mentality? Why aren’t people willing to take risks anymore? In the end, you can never know how things will turn out. Even if you’re happy for 10 years, it won’t guarantee happiness for the next 10 years to come.

So all it takes is a leap of faith and some courage to make things work. And yes, you may get hurt in the process. But is it that important when there’s so much more to gain?

And until you decide, I’ll be here in my ocean bubble.

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Just blogging, Society

What does freedom even mean?

A few weeks ago, I went to an event for personal development. It was fun and got to know a few interesting people. Besides, some theories that have to do with personal development can be quite challenging. One that I’ve already mentioned here on the blog is the concept that a positive mindset can and will change everything. According to that idea, you are the creator of your reality because you can controll how your mind works. For example you can complain about a shitty party and regret having paid way too much to get in there and for the disgusting booze they serve, or you can choose to make the best out of it and decide to have an awesome time. Tbh, I have no clue how you can decide to have an awesome time if everything around you is awful, but I guess that’s just my underdevelopped personality speaking.
Now to sum up what I wrote in that other blogpost, I do think that a positive attitude is definitely helpful, but in my opinion that alone won’t help much.

Related to the the concept of being in control of your fate by choosing a positive mindset is the concept of freedom. The opposite of that are limiting beliefs – meaning stuff that’s based on personal assumptions. For example saying things like “I can’t just go talk to that person.”, “Bungee jumping is too dangerous.”, “Sharks are evil.”… would fall into the category of limiting beliefs. So in that logic, if you free yourself from your own limiting beliefs, then you’re free to do whatever you want. Which leads me to a conversation I had this afternoon.

As much as I appreciate and also encourage personal growth, some of the personal development theories slightly make me think of cults. When you hear stuff like “Our fates are just the products of our thinking” and “We are all god-like creatures”, or even “Everything the universe has created is perfect” I can’t help but roll my eyes. I also hate phrases like “I love all creatures”. The person I talked to today claimed he loves Trump, just because he’s human as we all are. Sorry, but this is the dullest, stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Nothing in life is just love and happiness. There has to be some rage, some drama, maybe even a few schemes and feuds. And if it’s just to keep things interesting. If things were supposed to always be brilliant, nothing but peace and happiness, why would anyone love soap operas? Or Gossip Girl. I for one am a big fan. (And let’s be honest, the outfits weren’t THAT great.) – And if there’s some higher power that created humans, I guess it loves soap operas as well. Think of all the drama, wars, sex, crime, whatever we have on earth. And then imagine being able to get a private closeup to every single scene, like a VIP access. Who needs VR if you can have omnipresence?

Equally weird as the phrases I mentioned above is the belief that we’re absolutely free when in comes to the decisions we make. If we’re honest, can anyone experience absolute freedom? In my opinion, the answer to that question is a clear and resounding no. And the main reason is that we’re human beings, which means that we actually need the contact to others to stay alive. More, being in a relationship, being in love is like a drug, we’re nothing but little junkies getting high on our daily interactions. So of course, all of our conventions, all of our values are pretty much based on how each inviduum is acting within a group. And honestly, I don’t believe people who say that they don’t care about what others think of them. Maybe they don’t care about a certain group. I for example couldn’t care less about what people in a karaoke bar think of me (my poor friends can confirm). But then there are numerous situations where I actually do care and where I’ll probably be more likely to “play by the rules”, meaning and stick to social conventions, even if it’s just a facade. Like a little white lie.

Besides, did you know that keeping up the social charade where you don’t always speak your mind is actually is proof of good taste? A few centuries ago, this was described as decorum, or in another word, etiquette. And it wasn’t just used to make living and interacting with other humans easier. One could also use it strategically by wisely choosing what to say to whom. When I think of decorum, I always think of Cersei. (Side note: Why do people hate her? I honestly don’t get it.)

But are you truly free if your entire behavior only shows certain aspects of you? I don’t think so. And before you’re pronouncing that outcry I’ve already heard so many times, before you say, “Oh no, I’m always authentic!” or “I would never manipulate people that way!”, go ask yourself: Have you ever omitted an information just because you were embarrassed? Have you ever complimented someone on a new haircut that, in fact, was butt ugly? Have you ever cancelled a date or a party under some dumb pretext just because you preferred staying home with your cat instead of being social? Or have you ever called in sick at work when the only issue you had was a slight hangover paired with a massive feeling of laziness? (Just for the record, I would count massive hangovers as sick, I mean they’re just a version food poisoning.) Or have ever you worried about the neighbors or roommates being able to hear the noise of you while being with your significant other? If at least one of these scenarios is familar to, I welcome you to the world of everyday manipulation. And for every lie we tell, we give up a little amount of freedom, even if it’s nothing but the brain space which is used to remember which lie we told whom. But we’re social beings. If we would have to choose between absolute freedom aka no social conventions, just brutal honesty on one hand, and a healthy social life on the other, I’m pretty sure we would always choose the latter. So instead of telling your friend to get a life because s.he’s been annoying you with boring stories about her.his non-existing love life, you sit patiently, thinking about all the other possibilities how you could have spent your afternoon instead of listening to that crap, mourning the fact that you decided to be a good friend who’s there for the other, but already plotting your revenge – the moment when you need a catsitter, well knowing that your cat’s an asshole – but of course, not mentioning any of this because after all, you really really want to be a good friend, even if it means being in pain for a few moments. And since you’re such a good friend, you of course brought some wine to cheer your friend up, completly ignoring the fact that you’re the one drinking all of it, because your suffering in this exact moment is muuuuuch bigger.

Now one could argue that being free doesn’t mean not taking responsability for your actions, and I totally agree. But the thing is that the functioning on our socitey is mostly based on some sort of compromise, even if it’s a compromise we maybe wouldn’t make if our social standing wasn’t endangered if we didn’t play along. Besides, since we’re not even fully aware how conventions may or may not impact us, the idea of doing something just because you think it may be your personal preference is totally fake. Take shaving for example. Is it really a choice that you fully make on your own, or does shaving or not-shaving always include a message you want to send? Either way, it automatically includes other people. That in my opinion, has nothing to do with freedom.

And I won’t even get to the point where I explain that freedom, no matter if real or fake, is just momentarily. No one can ever claim it for forever. Other people can take way too much of control over your life, may it be by hiearchy, family status, or by holding you hostage. So saying that everyone is free in their actions is total BS. Maybe next time, I’ll ask one of the you-have-the-power-to-create-your-own-destiny-people what their opinion on prostitution is. Or if there’s an age threshold to pass in order to have the power of creating your destiny. I’m thinking of human trafficking and child abuse here. Are the victims free to choose their destiny? Or, referring to my previous blogpost here, did they have it coming because of their shitty mindset?
But also, just living in a normal household and having a curfew kinda limits your freedom.

But even if we don’t concentrate on the importance other people have on our freedom, we ourselves are not free. Our biological needs prevent that. If I want to go on a 60-days-hike, start just like that, not bring any water or food, well, I won’t be able to. I’ll die instead. If I have everything, even in abundance, just except human contact, I’ll die. Humans are not supernatural, god-like beings. We simply can’t do whatever pleases us just because. We would have to bring a suitcase for example. But that would be a compromise, since it would be hindering while moving around for example.
We’re not totally free.

So to answer to the question I raised in the hedline: Freedom is nothing but an idea. There’s no total freedom. For everything we do, every decision we make, there’s a price to pay. One could even go as far and say everything in life is a transaction. (Maybe I’ll get to that in another blogpost.) I know, it sounds depressing. But freedom is a concept created by humans, as is society. So it’s not really surprising that it’s flawed, is it?

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Mental Health

When it comes to my body…

Today, I posted quite the revealing pic of me on insta. 
Though revealing is quite an exaggeration. All you can see are my abs, basically. But I’m not on a beach and I’m not wearing a swimsuit, so I guess the character of the photo is a little different from candid snapshots taken on vacation. Except, I’m not even sure. 

As I said, one could probably say that my photo seems like something very private, just judging by the fact that it was taken at home and not in a public place. But in contrast to that, it’s actually quite innocent. I mean even the lingerie I’m wearing consists of much more fabric than any random bikini. And still, I really hesitated and wasn’t sure whether I should post it or not. Tbh, I still don’t know if it was a good idea. 

But the more I thought about my doubts, the more I thought that I would have to post it. Just because I’m so tired of the double standard regarding male and female bodies. There are tons of accounts on insta that are dedicated to hot, bare-chested dudes. There are no less accounts that show women and their best ass-ets (couldn’t resist). But the difference is in the comments. As I mentioned in my last post, I looooove reading comment sections. And I can’t remember the last time I read any negative comment about some Abercrombie model flexing his abs. However, when I look at the comment section of a post showing a women displaying more or less the same amount of nudity, I can often find at least one that’s at least somewhat deregatory. Even, or maybe especially when it’s just emojis, you know eggplants and stuff.

Obviously, that’s neither the type of comments, nor the kind of audience I want to attract. And if I was queen of the world, I would ban those creeps to some far away planet where their skin would melt the minute they sat foot on it. But since I’m not in that position, I’m constantly second-guessing what I should and shouldn’t post on social media. Even if the content is actually harmless like my abs. 

It’s not the first time that I have these thoughts. A while back, I did a bunch of boudoir photoshoots (they’re the easiest to get if you’re looking for TFP or even paid photoshoots). I was very happy with the pictures. They were very tasteful and I actually loved how I looked in them. And I’m my own worst critic, so this means a lot. However, I never dared showing them to anyone but very few people. After all, these were pictures of me in lingerie, what kind of image would that create?

In an ideal world, people would recognize these pictures as what they are: A capture of someone who feels comfortable in their body. But in our world, we have eggplant emojis. And that’s why I never really showed these photos to anyone. 

But I’m sick of this BS. There are enough moments where I hate the way I look. So if there are days where I’m proud of body, I want and should be able to share that. Especially in 2018. Besides, I want women to finally feel comfortable expressing themselves in any way possible. That may or may not include corporeality. And even if I’m a big fan of aesthetics, I also know that it may not always be pretty – #tweetyourperiod – but it’s controversy and not consensus that helps you evolve. Why else would it be that in history, new forms of art were at first dismissed as dilettantism? 

Btw, I’ve noticed that it’s only the people with a very low self-esteem that who will attack others, verbally or even physically. But I guess that’s a different topic which I will maybe discuss to some extent in an upcoming blogpost.

But to sum up this article, I definitely agree with Emily Ratajkowski. If someone wants to get naked, let them, Don’t be a dick about it, don’t body shame them. And don’t make assumptions about their moral standards. 

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