Where to start… This is a subject that you can hear in every other pop song, it’s probably as old as humanity, and I’m sure people are a little sick of hearing about it. And yet, we don’t get any wiser, nor are we any better equipped when it comes to heartbreak.
As you have already noticed, I’m using this blog as a substitute for my therapy sessions, since once a week is definitely not enough for me, so I just need an additional outlet for my emotions, in the form of talking about very personal stuff to a bunch of strangers on the internet.
What has preoccupied my mind the last couple of days, weeks, even months, has been the last relationship I was in. I’m not even sure if I can call it a relationship, the guy who I was seeing was definitely not on the same page as I. He’d probably call me a “good friend”.
When I really like someone, I’m all in. I’d marry that person in a heartbeat. If I lived in Vegas, people at A Little White Wedding Chapel would probably know me even better than my wine guy. So not only would they know my personal data by heart, but they’d also know which song to play and which kind of bouquet I like. I’m not sure if Las Vegas chapels offer this kind of service, but in my fantasy, they’d also have the number of my wine guy to be ready with my favorite bubbly and wine. They’d know me pretty damn well for a stranger. I’d probably be there every (other) week. Because unfortunately, most people don’t like to move as fast as I do. And the guy I’ve been pretty much obsessed with this year doesn’t seem to want to move at all, at least not with me. And since aren’t complicated enough between us already (we have very different styles of communication and very different expectations), we don’t seem to be compatible in any way.
I’d love to know why my brain is playing these tricks on me. I mean, why can’t I let go of something and someone that I know won’t fulfill any of my needs? Besides chemistry, there’s not that much to it, to be completely honest. And still, I’m holding on to what we had and trying to navigate how a future could look like, even though I’m very sure it won’t be a future together. I know that he would probably never fully commit to me, which is an awful feeling. And it makes me second guess myself. Am I enough? Am I toxic? Am I too clingy?
Rationally I know that a relationship, a fling, or even a booty call are not supposed to make you feel this way. I’ve even had plenty of circumstances where I was proven that I’m worthy of being pursued, that there are men out there who do want to spend every minute, even second of their life with me. I just recently met up with someone who pursued me for two years. Even when I didn’t react, he didn’t stop. And no, I’m not glorifying stalkers or ignoring boundaries. The reason I ignored him first was that we didn’t seem to have a good connection first, I only later learned that my first impression of him was based on a misunderstanding. Through his messages, he showed me a side of him that I found charming and intriguing. And when we finally met up, we did have great chemistry. And still, it’s not the same as with the one person I can’t have. I guess it’s an Aries thing, and I wish I could get over it. Instead, I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with me. That’s probably why I picture my future life with 20 sphynx cats instead of a significant other. It just seems more realistic that way. I wouldn’t even mind if my cats have a nibble of my face once I die, so even if they’re just in my imagination for now, I already have a much deeper love for them than anybody has had for me, seemingly. So why not plan a future together? For better, for worse, in sickness and health, in life and death.
And while I’m thinking that I wish that I had a better ending to this post (which is more of a pity party than anything), I just remembered an Instagram post that stated that we all have three kinds of love. Puppy love, toxic love, and THE ONE. I feel like I’m just getting over the toxic love right now (for multiple reasons, which I won’t discuss here), and that gives me hope. Also, I’ve only read today on Reddit that some people find their soulmates when astral projecting. So I guess there’s still hope. Or not. I’m also fine with not having a nose.