Tag Archives: relationship

Dating

RomComs fucked me up

I’ve been on a few dates lately. In the past two weeks, I met more people than during the entire last year. And that’s great, I don’t want to complain. I just can’t help it.

I’m in my early thirties now and while I’m seeing friends getting married and having babies, I still haven’t managed to stay with a person for more than a couple of months. For some reason, I haven’t met my true soulmate or my one true love yet.
I can already see eyes rolling at the mention of soulmates and The One. I know, I know, there’s hopefully more than just one person for everyone out there. But I haven’t even met any of the other Ones, even though I’ve come very close a few times. But I guess it was never meant to be, or otherwise I’d still be with one of the nonetheless fantastic guys I’ve been with. And so I naturally start wondering if I’m just too difficult to handle or to connect with, if my expectations are too high, or if it’s my generation that has lost all capacity of creating meaningful relationships. I’m not including the people who I know are in very committed long-term relationships, but from our conversations, I’m sure they’d be more than unhappy if they had to go back to dating and trying to find a partner. (Somewhat unrelated, but not really: If there’s no wood around, does it count to knock on a dildo? I’m asking for a friend.)

Usually, I know right off the bat if I want to get to know someone. And I’m using ‘want to get to know’ as a synonym to ‘become obsessed’ here. My very first boyfriend was someone I immediately fell in love with before we even spoke. He was a bartender and I just saw him doing his thing and knew instantly that I wanted to be with him.

It was almost like a meet cute. After having a seemingly endless debate in my head about how to best start a conversation, I decided to give him my number the moment I ordered another round of cocktails. I was so nervous, I felt like I was dying. But he texted me the same night, and it all was worth it.
We had our first date the evening after. He came to pick me up with his motorcycle and after cruising around the beautifully lit city of Paris, he took me to the Eiffel Tower where we had our very first kiss. It was magical. And it didn’t even matter that it was so foggy that night that we didn’t see much of the city.

I was fortunate enough to have had other magical first dates. Funnily, they all were in Paris. After I moved back to Germany, there was no more magic. Which I can understand to a certain point, there’s no Eiffel Tower in Germany. But I never got this feeling that someone wanted to impress me. Or took the time to show me they’re truly interested.

I’m not saying that there haven’t been any romantic gestures. One guy for example took me on a late night picnic near the river. And of course, taking a bath together is always amazing. But that’s something that I’d do pretty much every day.

I love grand gestures. If I’m fighting with someone I care about, I don’t care what I say, I want them to fight for me. Maybe that’s toxic af, but I guess that’s the part where me being brainwashed by romcoms comes in. I want a guy to show me that they care, no matter what. Perhaps that’s why, in contrast to my friends, I was intrigued by the guy who just kept texting me for TWO YEARS, after I’d blocked him, he started texting me again after he got a new number. And that time, I didn’t block him, and now we’re seeing each other, and it’s wonderful. Also, he’s a Scorpio…

And still, I’m waiting for that deep emotional longing to kick in. I mean, I appreciate our time, but I just want to experience the feeling of love at the first sight. I want this instant connection that is portrayed in movies. And even though I used to make fun of Bruno Mars, I want to feel a love where I’m actually willing to catch a grenade for someone (and know that they’d do the same).

Even though I have loved in the past, I’m pretty sure I would not have sacrificed my life for them. And I don’t know if that’s smart or if I’m cold-hearted. And then again, how much can you actually love someone after only a few months?

What probably doesn’t make things easier is that I never experienced the puppy love some teenagers get to experience. As far as I know, nobody was even remotely interested in me until I was 18. And then, the only kind of dating I did was with someone who was more or less double my age. And it was only in his car. (I’m just leaving that here, but yes, I know that that’s a whole different level of fucked up as well.)

So I guess it’s no surprise that I’m craving a relationship like you can see on certain Tumblr pages. You know, the photos that are only slightly pornographic but show a lot of intimacy and passion. And I want that in my everyday life as well. I want a guy who lights a thousand candles to set the perfect atmosphere, who just grabs me to give me a massage without expecting anything in return, who keeps telling me how happy he is to be with me. And of course, I’d do the same.

In fact, that’s what I’ve done in the past. But instead of any kind of effort, I get texts like “You up?”.

So I guess that after all, I will die alone. Or with my twenty cats and my collection of toys.

PS: If you’re someone I dated in the past reading this, know that I cherish the time we spent together. I still don’t wanna get back together, but I love you and wish you all the best.

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Dating

Heartbreak

Where to start… This is a subject that you can hear in every other pop song, it’s probably as old as humanity, and I’m sure people are a little sick of hearing about it. And yet, we don’t get any wiser, nor are we any better equipped when it comes to heartbreak.

As you have already noticed, I’m using this blog as a substitute for my therapy sessions, since once a week is definitely not enough for me, so I just need an additional outlet for my emotions, in the form of talking about very personal stuff to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

What has preoccupied my mind the last couple of days, weeks, even months, has been the last relationship I was in. I’m not even sure if I can call it a relationship, the guy who I was seeing was definitely not on the same page as I. He’d probably call me a “good friend”.

When I really like someone, I’m all in. I’d marry that person in a heartbeat. If I lived in Vegas, people at A Little White Wedding Chapel would probably know me even better than my wine guy. So not only would they know my personal data by heart, but they’d also know which song to play and which kind of bouquet I like. I’m not sure if Las Vegas chapels offer this kind of service, but in my fantasy, they’d also have the number of my wine guy to be ready with my favorite bubbly and wine. They’d know me pretty damn well for a stranger. I’d probably be there every (other) week. Because unfortunately, most people don’t like to move as fast as I do. And the guy I’ve been pretty much obsessed with this year doesn’t seem to want to move at all, at least not with me. And since aren’t complicated enough between us already (we have very different styles of communication and very different expectations), we don’t seem to be compatible in any way.

I’d love to know why my brain is playing these tricks on me. I mean, why can’t I let go of something and someone that I know won’t fulfill any of my needs? Besides chemistry, there’s not that much to it, to be completely honest. And still, I’m holding on to what we had and trying to navigate how a future could look like, even though I’m very sure it won’t be a future together. I know that he would probably never fully commit to me, which is an awful feeling. And it makes me second guess myself. Am I enough? Am I toxic? Am I too clingy?

Rationally I know that a relationship, a fling, or even a booty call are not supposed to make you feel this way. I’ve even had plenty of circumstances where I was proven that I’m worthy of being pursued, that there are men out there who do want to spend every minute, even second of their life with me. I just recently met up with someone who pursued me for two years. Even when I didn’t react, he didn’t stop. And no, I’m not glorifying stalkers or ignoring boundaries. The reason I ignored him first was that we didn’t seem to have a good connection first, I only later learned that my first impression of him was based on a misunderstanding. Through his messages, he showed me a side of him that I found charming and intriguing. And when we finally met up, we did have great chemistry. And still, it’s not the same as with the one person I can’t have. I guess it’s an Aries thing, and I wish I could get over it. Instead, I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with me. That’s probably why I picture my future life with 20 sphynx cats instead of a significant other. It just seems more realistic that way. I wouldn’t even mind if my cats have a nibble of my face once I die, so even if they’re just in my imagination for now, I already have a much deeper love for them than anybody has had for me, seemingly. So why not plan a future together? For better, for worse, in sickness and health, in life and death.

And while I’m thinking that I wish that I had a better ending to this post (which is more of a pity party than anything), I just remembered an Instagram post that stated that we all have three kinds of love. Puppy love, toxic love, and THE ONE. I feel like I’m just getting over the toxic love right now (for multiple reasons, which I won’t discuss here), and that gives me hope. Also, I’ve only read today on Reddit that some people find their soulmates when astral projecting. So I guess there’s still hope. Or not. I’m also fine with not having a nose.

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BS on social media

Bad advice

With depression, a major point on my agenda is procrastination. I can either spend hours sitting on my phone, looking at memes which I don’t even remember two seconds later, or I watch tons of videos on YouTube. While doing the latter, I recently came across a video with the clickbaity title “10 Things You Should Keep Private | NEVER Share These Things”. And since I’m constantly worrying about how people, especially guys, view me, I of course had to watch it.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe something that would reveal extreme negativity or would make the other person feel insecure. But instead, the list was as follows:

I think the only item I can get on board with is number 9. That indeed is non-negotiable. Although, I’m not sure if I’d keep a secret if friend A told me they were planning to kill friend B. Or if they were cheating. Or anything like that. I would most definitely tell friend B. I guess it’s a question of where your moral compass is pointing in some cases.

  • 1. Intimate details of your relationships, especially with your partner (sex details, shows respect for privacy)
  • 2. Income and financial situation (income/bank account status; create negative intentions)
  • 3. Future goals (sharing your goals without starting can allow others to taint your vision) move in silence until you succeed
  • 4. Arguments and fights (keep any disagreements between the parties involved) Give respect and wish that person well.
  • 5. Family problems (no one is perfect, and we all have flaws, but there’s no need to tell others about these issues)
  • 6. Medical condition (do share medical issues unless it’s family or your doctor.
  • 7. Acts of kindness (don’t help others to get something in return)
  • 8. Therapy sessions (don’t share the details of your therapy session; it should only be said in your sessions)
  • 9. Secrets about others (private conversation you have with others. They trust you with this information, so keep it secretive)
  • 10. Mistakes and regrets (they don’t define us; they’re a part of are past and not the present. You learned from it and moved on. Constantly talking about it can damage your image. Don’t share was went wrong in your past relationships; you have moved on from it.

This list has really left me wondering what people are supposed to talk about with their friends. I mean, what topics does it leave you with, besides the weather? But before I’ll get into each item, I think it’s important to mention that the channel featuring the video should supposedly enhance femininity and self-improvement. The hashtags used in the video description are #privacy, #femininity, #elegance.

I thought that there’d maybe be a disclaimer saying that the video is meant to guide you through conversations with people you newly met, but no. It specifically says to “never share with others”, no matter what your relation to them is.

Maybe I’m expecting too much, but my understanding is that videos are nowadays made for women should empower women, and therefore also be feminist. And just for the record, I don’t see a conflict between being very feminine and elegant and being a feminist. (I actually have no idea why that has ever been called into question by some people.) So now that I have mentioned that, let’s dive in.

Let’s start with
1 – Intimate details of your relationships
I don’t know what other people’s relationships are like with their friends, but my friends and I are pretty open about everything. Picture us talking like in Sex and the City. I’ve openly talked about role play, anal, literally anything about my friends. And of course, my friends are always there if I need some advice when it comes to dating and relationships. And, of course, vice versa. However, we still manage to always keep it classy, and we never share details that are too intimate or would expose someone’s partner in any way. In addition to that, sexual liberation and self-determination are only possible in an environment that allows people to talk about their experiences. What I find problematic about statement number 1 is that it pretty much prohibits that exchange. But how should people learn what’s normal or not? How would they become aware of abusive behavior when, because of a lack of talking, they don’t have any comparison to what other people are experiencing? Not talking only benefits predators and any kind of unwanted behavior. The #MeeToo and #Time’sUp movements proved that. Telling people to shut up doesn’t do any good to anyone. There’s a reason why Salt-N-Pepa made a song encouraging people to talk about sex. Geniuses.

2 – Income and financial situation
Wait what now? I should add that the video was indeed made in 2021. Exactly, after we’ve finally all become aware of the pay gap and the fact that women and minorities have a much harder time getting promotions or equal pay as their white male colleagues. According to the video, talks about money should be avoided because they can “create an uncomfortable work environment”. But guess what’s even more uncomfortable? Having trouble making ends meet because your fucking boss is discriminating against you through your monthly salary.

3 – Future goals
Okay, I can respect that to some point. Personally, I have this fear that I jinx something when I talk about potential possibilities or future endeavors with others. But at the same time, sharing your ambitions with others can have huge benefits. I’ve had multiple occasions where my friends or even just acquaintances helped me get a job. Or had ideas that could help me with my plans. Also, talking about your projects can help you stay motivated. As for having your vision tainted: I don’t think that this will happen when you believe in yourself. I don’t see how someone else’s opinion could have you throw everything overboard just because they might have a different opinion. Besides, getting someone else’s point of view can only be beneficial and add to your perspective. Or they can provide constructive criticism. All that will only be helpful on the way. And with any advice or criticism, you’ll always have the choice to take it or leave it.

4 – Arguments and fights
This is pretty much the same as with relationships. I probably tend to overanalyze every interaction I have with people, but when fighting with someone, I’ve found it really helpful in the past to have my friends tell me what they think of it. Because sometimes, I wonder if I’m overreacting, or if my emotional response is justified. Having someone I trust to point out if I was out of line or simply being gaslighted has really helped me to deal with conflicts and to trust my gut. And btw, you can of course be respectful while talking about a fight you had with someone. These are not mutually exclusive.

5 – Family problems
Again, same as with relationships, so I won’t dive too deep into this. Why is this even on the list? As far as I know, everyone has a somewhat messy family. The only thing besides talking about it with a therapist is talking about it with your friends. More often than not, people will be able to relate. It even seems to me as if most families all have the same issues. So why not ask someone you’re close to how they would handle a certain situation?

6 – Medical condition
Sure, never tell anyone if you’re suffering from any kind of condition or disease. Just keep it to yourself, let it fester and eat you up, and convince yourself you’re a burden to everyone around you. Make sure to keep everything secret from loved ones to really enjoy a much harder time throughout your struggle. It’s not like it’s been proven that having a great support system ups your chances of a successful recovery. Instead, experience the wonderful void when falling into that deep depression that will inevitably come when you feel like you have to face everything on your own. Because how could anyone help if they’re not a doctor? Fuck balloons or Get-well-cards. Or if (God forbid) you have any severe issues, just die surprisingly, because who doesn’t love a shocking turn of events.

7 – Acts of kindness
In elementary school, we had the Christmas tradition of preparing a shoebox with nice and useful gifts for underprivileged children. We put in toys, some non-perishable snacks, crayons, and other little goodies. I always loved doing that, and I hope these boxes made some kids’ Christmas a little more memorable.
I don’t know why I didn’t keep going with this tradition after elementary school, but last year, I picked it back up, making boxes for homeless people. During this time, I of course talked to my friends about it, and I asked if they wanted to contribute as well. Two did, and we ended up having more than just one box. So again, I don’t get why you would want to keep acts of kindness to yourself unless maybe you’re being boastful and the only goal is to point out what a great person you are. But in any other situation, talking about a good deed can inspire others to do the same and eventually make the world a tiny little bit better.

8 – Therapy sessions
I’m starting to wonder if this list is just really nonsensical, or if I just don’t have any boundaries. Which wouldn’t be surprising, given that all I do in this blog is to write about very personal stuff. Anyway, I talk about my therapy sessions all the time. Sometimes, I use the things my therapist says to me when I try to give advice to a friend. And other times, I talk about how I agree or disagree with my therapist. Doing so has actually helped me to figure out that my last therapist wasn’t helping me at all. Ranting about her to my friends every week was definitely useful to realize that she wasn’t the right fit for me, and they supported me when I decided to end sessions with her.

9 – Secrets about others
As I said in the beginning, this is the only one I fully agree with. Moving on.

10 – Mistakes and regrets
Jesus Christ, why is everyone obsessed with seeming infallible to others? What’s so bad about mistakes and regrets that you could never ever talk about them? I definitely don’t agree with sharing what has not worked in the past will damage your image. In my opinion, it’s the contrary. When you can explain why something has turned out to be an unsuccessful experience, what part you had in it and what you’ve learned from it, that’s a sign of strength. Maybe you shouldn’t lead a convo with listing all the things that went wrong in your past, but when someone asks you about a specific situation, why not? It can be helpful to the person who’s asking, and even for you when you see if you’re still triggered by it or not. It also shows that you have character and that can be vulnerable, which is also proof of a strong personality. Talking about failures also makes you relatable and can help you connect with others. For what other reason would people enjoy sharing stories of when they got totally shitfaced at the bar? If you’re in the position of mentoring someone, showing that nobody’s perfect can help your mentee to put too much pressure on themselves and gain trust in their own abilities.

Verdict
While giving my two cents about all the things one should keep quiet about, I was constantly thinking, “Who hurt you?”. Honestly, to me, this list reeks of insecurity and the fear of being betrayed, which is a shame, and I wish the person coming up with this was able to put more trust into others. What I find highly problematic is the underlying, internalized misogyny. Even though what I wrote to each item applies to both sexes, the video is clearly made for women as a targeted audience. This is made very clear in the video and also in its description and hashtags. So if you look at each item again, you will notice that women are basically told (by another woman) to shut up and never talk about their experiences and struggles. I guess anything else is considered unladylike and inelegant? Why does this video discourage women from talking about their sexuality, how much they’re earning, or future goals? What’s not feminine about that, and why should these topics be excluded from a conversation? To me, that sounds a lot like “Keep a woman in her place” and putting them at a disadvantage by discouraging transparency.
Besides, I don’t care if it’s classy or elegant or not, I have the best time talking with my friends about dick and everything considered inappropriate. And I largely prefer having a fun conversation over a politically correct one.

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Weekly Diary

Weekly Diary #7

It’s been a while that I haven’t written one of those weekly diaries. But today I decided that it’s a category I’m going to revive.

I just had a short video chat with a somewhat friend. Somewhat because our friendship almost only exists via calls. We met on Tinder and have actually met only once. We also hooked up that night, but we both date other people. So I don’t really know how to exactly classify this relation other than as a somewhat friend.

He has been struggling with depression and substance abuse the last couple of months, at least since I know him, actually. And he’s an artist. So exactly the kind of person I attract, the struggling and depressed artist. I’ve tried to attract and be attracted to “normal” people in the past, but that has never worked. I find them boring. And I have to admit that I sometimes even like the drama that comes with rather unstable personalities. Besides, my Jupiter is in Cancer and my moon is in Taurus. So I often take the role of the caregiver. Unfortunately, to the extent that I only care about others, but not myself. In fact, I read an article about what your sleeping position tells about you. In relation- or situationships, I’m usually the big spoon. Which reflects me being protective and caring. And of course my Aries sun makes me super protective of others.

I guess psychologically, I do that so that I can concentrate on others instead of dealing with my own problems. I mean, especially right now, my life is a mess. So I’m basically a mom who takes care of everyone but then needs her Chardonnay at 4 PM to cope.

I should add that he’s a Scorpio. I unfortunately can’t find the meme anymore that portrayed Aries-Scorpio relationships perfectly, but it basically just stated that this combo can be toxic and yet, Aries are attracted to it. And in this particular case, I really feel that.

But I’m realizing that I didn’t even tell you yet how the conversation went. I texted him around noon, asking him how he’s feeling. I also wanted to make sure that he slept, since the last time we spoke, he told me that he’d only slept 2 hours. He then called, already with a bottle of hard liquor in hand, and asked me right away to give him a tarot reading, which I did. (It reflected his current situation, so nothing new. But it also showed that things might improve in the future and that he’ll have a meaningful relationship, so I hope that will happen for him.) Anyway, after I was done with the reading, he asked me if I thought that he is a calculating asshole because he only called to get a favor. To which I replied that I’m used to that kind of behavior by now.

He immediately started protesting, even though he was the one referring to himself as calculating in the first place. He claimed that he’d always had my back, and he supported me no matter what. I just thought, “We’ve only met once”. I also realized that he was obviously drunk, even though I wasn’t able to tell earlier.

However, me saying that I’m used to calculating people suddenly made me really sad. It reminded me of all the times I was really invested in a relationship or friendship and had to come to the hard conclusion that my efforts weren’t reciprocated. I even feel like it’s impossible to have two people be on the same page and equally invested. I would love to have someone showing me they care as much about me as I care about them.

After we ended the video chat, I did a small tarot reading for me as well. My cards are in the featured image of this post. Turns out, the universe wants me to concentrate more on myself and be more aware of my desires – something that I need to do that to be successful in the future. However, I’ll probably still have trust issues later on. But at least I’ll hopefully have the success going for me.

To put the advice from the cards into practice, I’m now going to work out and enjoy the sun. Happy Sunday!

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Society

How I got banned from TikTok

As an addition to my previous post, I thought I share with you a story on how I got my first TikTok account banned. Speaking of money and relationships made me think of a video with the caption “When I have so many dates this week that I don’t need to get any groceries”. It showed a pretty girl confidently strutting down the street, looking cool in her nicely curated outfit while playing with her hair and wearing black cat-eye sunglasses. The background sound that was playing was the very short line “I don’t really care” of Rihanna’s Who’s That Chick?.

I don’t know how you’d interpret this video. My first reaction was honestly disgust.

Maybe I’m too misanthropic and cynical to give people the benefit of the doubt, but for me, the video basically said “I’m just going on dates to get free meals and I can because I’m the hottest bitch that has ever graced humanity with her existence”. And so I couldn’t help myself. I just had to react to the video and point out this girl’s moral questionability.

The people who know me know that I have absolutely no filter when I’m voicing my opinion. Or in general when I’m speaking. I mostly think only after saying or doing something. Besides, I absolutely HATE overly political correctness. And so to my shame, I have to confess that I basically called that girl a whore. In a classy, concealed way though. But I guess it was against TikTok’s community guidelines. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I have absolutely no problem when people get paid for certain, affectionate services, as long as all parties involved are aware of the modalities. And even though I like to make stupid jokes about my lack of perspective for my own future, saying that I won’t need to worry because I’ll just marry an obscenely rich dude, I definitely do not approve of taking advantage of people.

Of course, I received comments like “Maybe she paid for her meals” and “Women shouldn’t attack other women”, to which my reaction is a major eye-roll. I mean, come on. I’m also sure she felt a real connection with every single person she met during this week. Probably all soulmates and twin flames.

Firstly, her flex definitely wasn’t about being such a bad bitch who pays for all her shit. Otherwise, she would have chosen a very different wording in her text. And secondly, when I point out people’s shitty behavior, I’m not attacking them for their gender or their identity or whatever, but for being shitty. Should be a no-brainer.

If you really feel the need to push your ego by spending valuable time with someone you’d maybe wouldn’t meet otherwise, just so that you can get free stuff, at least don’t brag about it. Shut your fucking mouth. But bragging about living a parasitic lifestyle and trying to glorify it just puts a wedge between men and women. For example, I love when a guy takes me out and offers to pay for dinner, just because I very much appreciate the nice gesture. And it also shows a certain commitment. If a guy pays for your dinner, there’s a higher chance that he’s not seeing a bunch of other girls besides you. Unfortunately, it seems that more and more guys get the feeling that some girls are just using them, and so they of course don’t want to take the risk to invest. Not their money, but even less their time and energy. No wonder chivalry is slowly dying.

As for being blocked on TikTok, I definitely didn’t miss the platform, but I still created a new account nonetheless. I wanted to show off the new tattoo that I got back then. But I learned to sort of control my impulsiveness. Now, I’m only reading the comments, which sometimes are the best part of social media anyway.

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Dating, Just blogging

Dating & money

This is a topic that has been thoroughly discussed with my friends and that doesn’t seem to get old. It’s an ongoing debate what to do with the check when at a bar, café or restaurant. I’m writing from my hetero perspective, and I have absolutely no clue how this is handled in other dating situations. But I’ve often experienced some kind of awkwardness when it comes to paying. Should the guy pay, should I offer to pay my part? I have to admit that it never crossed my mind to pay for both of us on a first date, except if I’m the one who chose the location. But I usually prefer letting the guy take the initiative. Not because I’m lazy or because I’m a greedy bitch, but because I’m looking for someone who’s assertive and invested in me. But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s get to the story first.

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a guy who I’m pretty much into. Or at least, I’m pretty much into the potential thing that we could have if we start seeing each other on a regular level. So far, we’ve only hung out four times since July, and most of the time, I initiated the contact. It annoys me, but I also don’t have a problem with going for what or who I want, even though I would of course prefer being pursued from time to time instead of doing all the pursuing myself. Just for the record, I’m not harassing anyone who’s not that into me, and I’m only hitting a guy up that often before I accept that I won’t get any or not enough investment in return and leave it at that.

So when we went on a date that other day, I don’t even know how many weeks had passed since we’d last seen each other. Two at the very least, although we had both mentioned that we’re indeed both very enthusiastic about continuing to see each other. And even though I’m not thrilled about that I’m obviously not that worthy of his time, I chose to ignore this massive red flag. Besides, I have no problem being by myself, I hate most people anyway *Sagittarius rising*. Although now, it’s getting to the point where I’m almost like “whatever” when we actually hang out. And thinking about how the last date went down actually has my blood boiling.

When we were planning the date, he suggested that we go to a bar in his area, and that’s what we did. We had one round of drinks, Gin & Tonic for him, wine spritzer for me. He asked me if we should go to a different bar after, which we did, and he paid for the first round. When we arrived at the second bar (which he also chose), we had a short convo about if we’d pay by card or cash. Neither of us had much cash with us, and that was when he also mentioned that he had a rather tight budget for drinks. I think I said that I could get the second round, but then he wanted to pay by card and have me give him the cash, which was fine by me. We had the same drinks again, and I think that I should mention here that his was actually double the price of mine. However, I gave him the money for the second round as we had discussed. I actually didn’t even think about it. But where it gets really interesting is that we then stopped by a bodega where he got a third drink. (I didn’t want anything.) And I’m really confused: So he had no budget for the drinks he chose to have at the bars he knows and suggested, has me pay more than I would have actually needed to, but still needs to buy something for the road even though that would also be out of his budget???

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here or if I’m petty, but in my opinion, if you can’t afford to take someone out barhopping, then you don’t. There are many other things that are cheap but still make a fun date. Like feeding ducks. And you especially don’t claim that you’re on a tight budget and can’t pay for an additional glass of wine, but yet have the money to get something from the bodega.

As I mentioned, I didn’t think about all this at the moment, especially because, opposed to the impression you may get from this post, I generally don’t think that much about money. I think it’s a stupid construct that humans developed to serve us, just to have us become slaves to it. So I also don’t really care who pays for what as long as things are fair. But I guess what really frustrates me in this case here is that the guy who has already shown me that he’s not overly generous with his time for me also can’t be bothered to literally invest in an evening with me, even though he clearly has the means, but rather gives me some bullshit explanation.

The worst thing is, I don’t even know if I should or would want to address it. I mean, even though highly unlikely, it could be that I’m pissed for no good reason and that it was just a miscommunication. But firstly, I’m also very non-confrontational and secondly, I don’t believe that a conversation would do much, except for me feeling stupid for arguing about money. So I guess my only option here is to see and wait how things play out in the next couple of weeks before I decide whether or not I should dump his ass.

In any case, you will get an update. In the meanwhile, I’ll be happy to read what you think about all this. Am I the overanalyzing asshole here? How do you handle money issues during the very first stages of dating?

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https://www.highsnobiety.com/p/valentines-day-gifts-under-50/
Dating

Happy Valentine’s.

Oh hey, it’s this time of the year again. The one “holiday” that creeps up on you like that weird uncle you try to avoid at family reunions. It’s Valentine’s Day!

To be honest, I’m feeling pretty indifferent towards Valentine’s Day. It’s a little like New Year’s Eve. After you’ve had a ton of expectations that were never met, you sooner or later end up being happy with some booze and a box of noodles and falling asleep at 10pm. Valentine’s is exactly the same. I think the last time I was let’s say somewhat hopeful someone might send me a card was when I was 14 – naive, with braces and a chubby face. Of course, back then, the guys my age weren’t exactly effigies of Greek gods, so I have to admit that my disappointment was very limited when no one asked me “Will you be my Valentine?”. After that, I stopped caring. And I would probably even forget about the date if other women (the cliché seems to be true for some, unfortunately) didn’t talk about their non-existing plans.

Cliché aside, I have as many female friends who (are not single and) absolutely hate this day, claiming it’s way too commercial, and they don’t need a special day to remind them of doing something romantic for their significant other. I never really agreed with that. I mean of course it’s commercial af. But so is literally any other holiday. And yet, I never heard anyone bashing Christmas.
Also, who says you have to buy into the whole flowers, chocolate, dinner bullshit instead of simply viewing Valentine’s Day as the opportunity to plan an extra date night and simply make time for someone you love? And when it comes to romance, I’m not convinced that many people in long term relationships make that much time for it. Even people who are not in a relationship could probably be a little more expressive and tell their loved ones more often that they’re grateful they’re there.

That’s why I send out Happy Valentine’s messages to family and friends, even though it may seem a little weird. But then again, how often do we tell people close to us that we’re happy to have them in our lives? Though I’m not sending out cheesy stuff like this last phrase, I prefer awkward gifs.

Other than that, I always use February 14 to treat myself. Just because I like getting stuff. So I went shopping and bought a bunch of skincare products today (I’m not in a relationship, but I still wanna stay fuckable).

And to my surprise, I saw lots of guys carrying flowers. Flowers! In a day and age that seems to be determined by swiping and dick pics. Now isn’t that romantic?

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Dating

The Front Porch Test

If you’ve watched How I Met Your Mother, you probably know Lily’s Front Porch Test. If you don’t, go watch it right now, because you’re missing a huge part of pop culture and also a great deal of life advice. Honestly, even after rewatching every episode at least 4 times, I can’t argue that pretty much everything in the show is somewhat applicable to my life. Well, except maybe the goat and getting injured by my friends.

Anyway, there’s this one episode that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, it’s The Front Porch Test. If you haven’t seen the show (watch it!): The Front Porch Test is basically an estimation of how well your date will integrate themselves into your group of friends and how well they will interact with them. The ideal is that the entire group grows old together and spends fun afternoons together playing a fictive card game on someone’s front porch.

Also, two of my closest friends are getting married this year, and so thinking of who would be fun and suitable enough to bring to the wedding has become my very own Front Porch Test. No one wants to look at photos and say, “Oh, there’s the […] people I love most in the world. And Bob.” So now I try to imagine who would be a great wedding date (even if I won’t bring a date – I’m writing this for the bride to be and who’s probably been like “Wtf, you’re not getting a + one!” this past minute. I love you. :*)

So as you guessed, similar to the show, my friends and I are super tight. And for some outsiders, we may come across as this weird community with funny rules that don’t match conventional ways. Sometimes, we joke about creating a cult which promotes an alternative lifestyle, similar to some in the 70s. In short, we’re a weird but very loving and loyal little bunch and especially during this last year, I’ve realized that my friends truly are my second family, as cliché as that sounds.

However, I also know that our group dynamic might not be for everyone and that some people would probably feel a little overwhelmed. And so with that in mind, whenever I was on a date, I started trying to imagine what would happen if I threw my date into this group.

Most of the time, things have ended way before the question of meeting the other person’s friends has even come up. But for the other times, it’s been interesting to watch. Though, I’d say that except for one, most of them managed rather meeehhh – which wasn’t a good sign, of course.

Sometimes, I imagine having people meet my friends who probably won’t be that comfortable with their openness and absence of polite filters. And just for the sake of my own entertainment, I actually invite them to everything. But then I think of how well they would actually fit in the group, and let’s say that I’d rather be surprised if it was a good match.

Now that could be a very conclusive assessment about my personality and my romantic choices. But this text isn’t about me, at least not primarily, so fuck that – I’m perfect.

Yet, I haven’t really met anyone who was comfortable enough with my friends. And since they’re the greatest part of my life, I would never want to date anyone who doesn’t fit in our cute little special group.

Because in the end, if there’s no one to count on, you can always count on your friends.

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Just blogging

Don’t you wanna follow me back?

I guess it’s impossible to run out of topics when you write about online dating, for the better and the worse.

One thing I always found very amusing was the moment when you exchange socials or even a number. When I gave out my number, most of the time I’d be like “Please no dick pic, please no dick pic.” Btw, I don’t understand why guys would send them in the first place. Why not start with other body parts instead? If a pic of your dick is all you have to offer, then I’m just not interested. Or is the dick pic the result of a long time of reflection, where the guy asks himself: What do I have in common with a Greek god? (If you didn’t get that joke, just google Greek god statue and have a look at their penises.)

So, I’m usually not giving out my number very easily. Instead, I like to go with my instagram account. Which is perfect actually, because that way, the dude sees that there’s less of a chance that I’m a 50 yo dude and because that even without adding each other, you can text.

But sometimes I get the feeling that some people aren’t totally easygoing when it comes to staying in touch with someone via instagram. And funnily, the ones who only have like a handful of followers seem to be the thirstiest and the most eager to gain more followers. So what usually happens is that they follow me – which I never asked them to do, I just gave them my handle so that they can stalk me as much as they like, but that doesn’t mean I’m engaging. It’s like doing the starfish in bed, just that it’s on social media. And then, I can honestly just wait for the question: “Don’t you wanna follow me back?” …. And me like:

Seriously, why would you even ask that question? It’s like asking: “But why haven’t you said anything about my new haircut?” Well, it’s ugly af, I’m not to look at that more often than I need to. So sorry, not sorry, I’m not going to follow your shitty insta account. Otherwise, I would have hit that button already. But I didn’t, so just draw your conlusions from that.

But keep sending me nice messages, please.

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Dating

Sexy talk

Quite recently, I had a conversation with a friend about what makes good sex. And the thing we agreed on – and which is also common knowledge tbh – was that communication is key. So far, so good. But how do you get there?

I couldn’t count the numbers of articles I’ve read on that subject. I mean I’ve been reading women’s magazines for more than a decade now. And though back then, some of them passed on rather outdated views (which they of course later rectified once people reme,bered feminism), there was one general advice: Just be open about what you want and what you don’t. And in theory, that’s great advice. But what do you do if you just have no clue how to address the subject at all? Or if you only know what you don’t like? I guess no one would be happy about hearing “No, not like that.” “Not like that either.” “Stop, that’s too…” and “Well, I’m sore now.”

Also, not all people are cool and open-minded, and not everyone has had the luxury of having people appreciate when you tell them what you like/dislike or even how you feel – not even if it’s in both of your interest. I was actually surprised how much shame people can feel about what turns them on: they’re afraid of being seen as perverts or gay or simply weirdos. (Somehow I thought only women have this problem of being super self-conscious, sometimes. Which is BS of course.) Also, I have a real question here: Since most of our sexual desires somewhat stem from childhood, aren’t we all weirdos? I mean what makes one thing weird and not another?

Anyway, when we talk about sex, I think that most of us believe that unless if it’s a random hookup, it should feel special and intimate. And as cliché as it sounds, maybe sex should be something you only have with a very special someone. But then again I’m sure everyone likes to think of themselves as special – though that doesn’t mean that they’re special for you. You might just find them meeehhh, and that’s ok, too.

However, it doesn’t matter if it’s just a hookup or something more serious, I always thought that saying what you want in bed can be a little daunting. Especially when it’s more serious. (If you already know that you’re never going to see that person again, who cares?) But tbh, I find it just as daunting even if I already know it’s nothing serious and nothing that’ll last. Have you ever found in the situation where you wonder “Is pulling hair ok?”, “How rough or gentle should I be?”, Is it ok if I don’t engage in oral sex immediately?” without really daring to ask a single one of these questions? Or am I the only neurotic person here?

We only learn about sex in theory. And though everything else would be super weird (hello ancient Greece), the fact that we don’t get any practice before actually practizing it is very annoying. There’s no chance to learn how it’s done but try and error. How frustrating is that? Especially since everything you thought you knew can change completely with a different partner. Besides, all of that kinda means you also have to know what you like yourself.

Some of the articles I read gave the advice to just “show your partner” what gets you going and just masturbate in front of them. In theory, that’s no bad advice. But in reality, how many people find it creepy if you watch them sleep? So what makes watching someone masturbate any better? Besides, I would feel like something private is being turned into a show where I need to perform. And guess what, it would do absolutely nothing for me. Instead, I’d think “Can he please cum from watching me so that I can be done with this?”

Btw, while I’m writing all this, well aware that I sound like the prudest prude who hates sex, I’m actually wondering how it’s possible that my subconscious seems to focus on the guy getting off. I mean with feminism being trending, there’s also a bunch of media which state that society focusses on the desires of hetero men / male ejaculation. And I never thought that I would fall into this pattern, but apparently I do. Or otherwise I wouldn’t have this “let’s get this over with”-mentality.

Though one important point is that I’m really tired of explaining things to people. Until recently, I worked as a tutor. The last thing I wanna do after finishing work is explaining to someone how to do stuff.

So, as a solution to all this, I guess I’ll just do some name dropping and mention Kenneth Play to everyone I’m getting involved with. (As for finding out about the guys preferences, their shyness never really lastet longer than the two minutes of saying “I don’t know, maybe you’ll find that weird/gay/perverse..”) And I will continue to listen to The Prude and the Pornstar and This is Why You’re Single.

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