Tag Archives: Dating

Dating

RomComs fucked me up

I’ve been on a few dates lately. In the past two weeks, I met more people than during the entire last year. And that’s great, I don’t want to complain. I just can’t help it.

I’m in my early thirties now and while I’m seeing friends getting married and having babies, I still haven’t managed to stay with a person for more than a couple of months. For some reason, I haven’t met my true soulmate or my one true love yet.
I can already see eyes rolling at the mention of soulmates and The One. I know, I know, there’s hopefully more than just one person for everyone out there. But I haven’t even met any of the other Ones, even though I’ve come very close a few times. But I guess it was never meant to be, or otherwise I’d still be with one of the nonetheless fantastic guys I’ve been with. And so I naturally start wondering if I’m just too difficult to handle or to connect with, if my expectations are too high, or if it’s my generation that has lost all capacity of creating meaningful relationships. I’m not including the people who I know are in very committed long-term relationships, but from our conversations, I’m sure they’d be more than unhappy if they had to go back to dating and trying to find a partner. (Somewhat unrelated, but not really: If there’s no wood around, does it count to knock on a dildo? I’m asking for a friend.)

Usually, I know right off the bat if I want to get to know someone. And I’m using ‘want to get to know’ as a synonym to ‘become obsessed’ here. My very first boyfriend was someone I immediately fell in love with before we even spoke. He was a bartender and I just saw him doing his thing and knew instantly that I wanted to be with him.

It was almost like a meet cute. After having a seemingly endless debate in my head about how to best start a conversation, I decided to give him my number the moment I ordered another round of cocktails. I was so nervous, I felt like I was dying. But he texted me the same night, and it all was worth it.
We had our first date the evening after. He came to pick me up with his motorcycle and after cruising around the beautifully lit city of Paris, he took me to the Eiffel Tower where we had our very first kiss. It was magical. And it didn’t even matter that it was so foggy that night that we didn’t see much of the city.

I was fortunate enough to have had other magical first dates. Funnily, they all were in Paris. After I moved back to Germany, there was no more magic. Which I can understand to a certain point, there’s no Eiffel Tower in Germany. But I never got this feeling that someone wanted to impress me. Or took the time to show me they’re truly interested.

I’m not saying that there haven’t been any romantic gestures. One guy for example took me on a late night picnic near the river. And of course, taking a bath together is always amazing. But that’s something that I’d do pretty much every day.

I love grand gestures. If I’m fighting with someone I care about, I don’t care what I say, I want them to fight for me. Maybe that’s toxic af, but I guess that’s the part where me being brainwashed by romcoms comes in. I want a guy to show me that they care, no matter what. Perhaps that’s why, in contrast to my friends, I was intrigued by the guy who just kept texting me for TWO YEARS, after I’d blocked him, he started texting me again after he got a new number. And that time, I didn’t block him, and now we’re seeing each other, and it’s wonderful. Also, he’s a Scorpio…

And still, I’m waiting for that deep emotional longing to kick in. I mean, I appreciate our time, but I just want to experience the feeling of love at the first sight. I want this instant connection that is portrayed in movies. And even though I used to make fun of Bruno Mars, I want to feel a love where I’m actually willing to catch a grenade for someone (and know that they’d do the same).

Even though I have loved in the past, I’m pretty sure I would not have sacrificed my life for them. And I don’t know if that’s smart or if I’m cold-hearted. And then again, how much can you actually love someone after only a few months?

What probably doesn’t make things easier is that I never experienced the puppy love some teenagers get to experience. As far as I know, nobody was even remotely interested in me until I was 18. And then, the only kind of dating I did was with someone who was more or less double my age. And it was only in his car. (I’m just leaving that here, but yes, I know that that’s a whole different level of fucked up as well.)

So I guess it’s no surprise that I’m craving a relationship like you can see on certain Tumblr pages. You know, the photos that are only slightly pornographic but show a lot of intimacy and passion. And I want that in my everyday life as well. I want a guy who lights a thousand candles to set the perfect atmosphere, who just grabs me to give me a massage without expecting anything in return, who keeps telling me how happy he is to be with me. And of course, I’d do the same.

In fact, that’s what I’ve done in the past. But instead of any kind of effort, I get texts like “You up?”.

So I guess that after all, I will die alone. Or with my twenty cats and my collection of toys.

PS: If you’re someone I dated in the past reading this, know that I cherish the time we spent together. I still don’t wanna get back together, but I love you and wish you all the best.

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Dating

Heartbreak

Where to start… This is a subject that you can hear in every other pop song, it’s probably as old as humanity, and I’m sure people are a little sick of hearing about it. And yet, we don’t get any wiser, nor are we any better equipped when it comes to heartbreak.

As you have already noticed, I’m using this blog as a substitute for my therapy sessions, since once a week is definitely not enough for me, so I just need an additional outlet for my emotions, in the form of talking about very personal stuff to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

What has preoccupied my mind the last couple of days, weeks, even months, has been the last relationship I was in. I’m not even sure if I can call it a relationship, the guy who I was seeing was definitely not on the same page as I. He’d probably call me a “good friend”.

When I really like someone, I’m all in. I’d marry that person in a heartbeat. If I lived in Vegas, people at A Little White Wedding Chapel would probably know me even better than my wine guy. So not only would they know my personal data by heart, but they’d also know which song to play and which kind of bouquet I like. I’m not sure if Las Vegas chapels offer this kind of service, but in my fantasy, they’d also have the number of my wine guy to be ready with my favorite bubbly and wine. They’d know me pretty damn well for a stranger. I’d probably be there every (other) week. Because unfortunately, most people don’t like to move as fast as I do. And the guy I’ve been pretty much obsessed with this year doesn’t seem to want to move at all, at least not with me. And since aren’t complicated enough between us already (we have very different styles of communication and very different expectations), we don’t seem to be compatible in any way.

I’d love to know why my brain is playing these tricks on me. I mean, why can’t I let go of something and someone that I know won’t fulfill any of my needs? Besides chemistry, there’s not that much to it, to be completely honest. And still, I’m holding on to what we had and trying to navigate how a future could look like, even though I’m very sure it won’t be a future together. I know that he would probably never fully commit to me, which is an awful feeling. And it makes me second guess myself. Am I enough? Am I toxic? Am I too clingy?

Rationally I know that a relationship, a fling, or even a booty call are not supposed to make you feel this way. I’ve even had plenty of circumstances where I was proven that I’m worthy of being pursued, that there are men out there who do want to spend every minute, even second of their life with me. I just recently met up with someone who pursued me for two years. Even when I didn’t react, he didn’t stop. And no, I’m not glorifying stalkers or ignoring boundaries. The reason I ignored him first was that we didn’t seem to have a good connection first, I only later learned that my first impression of him was based on a misunderstanding. Through his messages, he showed me a side of him that I found charming and intriguing. And when we finally met up, we did have great chemistry. And still, it’s not the same as with the one person I can’t have. I guess it’s an Aries thing, and I wish I could get over it. Instead, I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with me. That’s probably why I picture my future life with 20 sphynx cats instead of a significant other. It just seems more realistic that way. I wouldn’t even mind if my cats have a nibble of my face once I die, so even if they’re just in my imagination for now, I already have a much deeper love for them than anybody has had for me, seemingly. So why not plan a future together? For better, for worse, in sickness and health, in life and death.

And while I’m thinking that I wish that I had a better ending to this post (which is more of a pity party than anything), I just remembered an Instagram post that stated that we all have three kinds of love. Puppy love, toxic love, and THE ONE. I feel like I’m just getting over the toxic love right now (for multiple reasons, which I won’t discuss here), and that gives me hope. Also, I’ve only read today on Reddit that some people find their soulmates when astral projecting. So I guess there’s still hope. Or not. I’m also fine with not having a nose.

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Society

How I got banned from TikTok

As an addition to my previous post, I thought I share with you a story on how I got my first TikTok account banned. Speaking of money and relationships made me think of a video with the caption “When I have so many dates this week that I don’t need to get any groceries”. It showed a pretty girl confidently strutting down the street, looking cool in her nicely curated outfit while playing with her hair and wearing black cat-eye sunglasses. The background sound that was playing was the very short line “I don’t really care” of Rihanna’s Who’s That Chick?.

I don’t know how you’d interpret this video. My first reaction was honestly disgust.

Maybe I’m too misanthropic and cynical to give people the benefit of the doubt, but for me, the video basically said “I’m just going on dates to get free meals and I can because I’m the hottest bitch that has ever graced humanity with her existence”. And so I couldn’t help myself. I just had to react to the video and point out this girl’s moral questionability.

The people who know me know that I have absolutely no filter when I’m voicing my opinion. Or in general when I’m speaking. I mostly think only after saying or doing something. Besides, I absolutely HATE overly political correctness. And so to my shame, I have to confess that I basically called that girl a whore. In a classy, concealed way though. But I guess it was against TikTok’s community guidelines. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I have absolutely no problem when people get paid for certain, affectionate services, as long as all parties involved are aware of the modalities. And even though I like to make stupid jokes about my lack of perspective for my own future, saying that I won’t need to worry because I’ll just marry an obscenely rich dude, I definitely do not approve of taking advantage of people.

Of course, I received comments like “Maybe she paid for her meals” and “Women shouldn’t attack other women”, to which my reaction is a major eye-roll. I mean, come on. I’m also sure she felt a real connection with every single person she met during this week. Probably all soulmates and twin flames.

Firstly, her flex definitely wasn’t about being such a bad bitch who pays for all her shit. Otherwise, she would have chosen a very different wording in her text. And secondly, when I point out people’s shitty behavior, I’m not attacking them for their gender or their identity or whatever, but for being shitty. Should be a no-brainer.

If you really feel the need to push your ego by spending valuable time with someone you’d maybe wouldn’t meet otherwise, just so that you can get free stuff, at least don’t brag about it. Shut your fucking mouth. But bragging about living a parasitic lifestyle and trying to glorify it just puts a wedge between men and women. For example, I love when a guy takes me out and offers to pay for dinner, just because I very much appreciate the nice gesture. And it also shows a certain commitment. If a guy pays for your dinner, there’s a higher chance that he’s not seeing a bunch of other girls besides you. Unfortunately, it seems that more and more guys get the feeling that some girls are just using them, and so they of course don’t want to take the risk to invest. Not their money, but even less their time and energy. No wonder chivalry is slowly dying.

As for being blocked on TikTok, I definitely didn’t miss the platform, but I still created a new account nonetheless. I wanted to show off the new tattoo that I got back then. But I learned to sort of control my impulsiveness. Now, I’m only reading the comments, which sometimes are the best part of social media anyway.

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Dating, Just blogging

Dating & money

This is a topic that has been thoroughly discussed with my friends and that doesn’t seem to get old. It’s an ongoing debate what to do with the check when at a bar, café or restaurant. I’m writing from my hetero perspective, and I have absolutely no clue how this is handled in other dating situations. But I’ve often experienced some kind of awkwardness when it comes to paying. Should the guy pay, should I offer to pay my part? I have to admit that it never crossed my mind to pay for both of us on a first date, except if I’m the one who chose the location. But I usually prefer letting the guy take the initiative. Not because I’m lazy or because I’m a greedy bitch, but because I’m looking for someone who’s assertive and invested in me. But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s get to the story first.

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a guy who I’m pretty much into. Or at least, I’m pretty much into the potential thing that we could have if we start seeing each other on a regular level. So far, we’ve only hung out four times since July, and most of the time, I initiated the contact. It annoys me, but I also don’t have a problem with going for what or who I want, even though I would of course prefer being pursued from time to time instead of doing all the pursuing myself. Just for the record, I’m not harassing anyone who’s not that into me, and I’m only hitting a guy up that often before I accept that I won’t get any or not enough investment in return and leave it at that.

So when we went on a date that other day, I don’t even know how many weeks had passed since we’d last seen each other. Two at the very least, although we had both mentioned that we’re indeed both very enthusiastic about continuing to see each other. And even though I’m not thrilled about that I’m obviously not that worthy of his time, I chose to ignore this massive red flag. Besides, I have no problem being by myself, I hate most people anyway *Sagittarius rising*. Although now, it’s getting to the point where I’m almost like “whatever” when we actually hang out. And thinking about how the last date went down actually has my blood boiling.

When we were planning the date, he suggested that we go to a bar in his area, and that’s what we did. We had one round of drinks, Gin & Tonic for him, wine spritzer for me. He asked me if we should go to a different bar after, which we did, and he paid for the first round. When we arrived at the second bar (which he also chose), we had a short convo about if we’d pay by card or cash. Neither of us had much cash with us, and that was when he also mentioned that he had a rather tight budget for drinks. I think I said that I could get the second round, but then he wanted to pay by card and have me give him the cash, which was fine by me. We had the same drinks again, and I think that I should mention here that his was actually double the price of mine. However, I gave him the money for the second round as we had discussed. I actually didn’t even think about it. But where it gets really interesting is that we then stopped by a bodega where he got a third drink. (I didn’t want anything.) And I’m really confused: So he had no budget for the drinks he chose to have at the bars he knows and suggested, has me pay more than I would have actually needed to, but still needs to buy something for the road even though that would also be out of his budget???

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here or if I’m petty, but in my opinion, if you can’t afford to take someone out barhopping, then you don’t. There are many other things that are cheap but still make a fun date. Like feeding ducks. And you especially don’t claim that you’re on a tight budget and can’t pay for an additional glass of wine, but yet have the money to get something from the bodega.

As I mentioned, I didn’t think about all this at the moment, especially because, opposed to the impression you may get from this post, I generally don’t think that much about money. I think it’s a stupid construct that humans developed to serve us, just to have us become slaves to it. So I also don’t really care who pays for what as long as things are fair. But I guess what really frustrates me in this case here is that the guy who has already shown me that he’s not overly generous with his time for me also can’t be bothered to literally invest in an evening with me, even though he clearly has the means, but rather gives me some bullshit explanation.

The worst thing is, I don’t even know if I should or would want to address it. I mean, even though highly unlikely, it could be that I’m pissed for no good reason and that it was just a miscommunication. But firstly, I’m also very non-confrontational and secondly, I don’t believe that a conversation would do much, except for me feeling stupid for arguing about money. So I guess my only option here is to see and wait how things play out in the next couple of weeks before I decide whether or not I should dump his ass.

In any case, you will get an update. In the meanwhile, I’ll be happy to read what you think about all this. Am I the overanalyzing asshole here? How do you handle money issues during the very first stages of dating?

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Dating

Dating sober

It’s been a while since I wanted to write this article, actually since I listened to an episode of This Is Why You’re Single where they discussed the exact same topic.

So for everyone who doesn’t know my background: I’m from East Germany, where people drink a lot. Then I lived in France, where people drink a lot. During that time, I worked in a bar, where we used to drink a lot. And then I moved back to Germany, worked at a bar and got re-engaged with a student’s initiative where we do an exchange program with France – and of course, drink a lot. So as you can maybe tell, I’m not the perfect candidate for dating without booze. In fact, I’ve always dreaded it. I mean, no matter where you live, if you’re really not lucky with the weather and if you’ve already brought your date to all the places where you can play darts/bowling/table tennis/ minigolf, there are not that many options left. Well, there’s the movies, but going to the movies on a date is like already telling your date that you rather won’t hear them talking and are only willing to meet them in the dark. Not so great. Then there’s the museum. Oh sorry, I was kidding. I guess I don’t even have to talk about going to the theater/ a poetry slam/ anything in a shabby basement where you’ll either get murdered or endure a horrible date.

The only cultural activity on my list of possible places for a date would be a comedy show. Just to make sure that my date had the same twisted humour as I do.

However, all of these activities are so much better when drunk. Especially the (pseudo-)cultural stuff. I remember when I went on a date watching the latest Hangover movie. I brought tiny bottles of wine which we snuck in, and I just got trashed. It was awesome. (L’abus d’acool est dangereux pour la santé.)

However, as much as I love the mind enhancing liquid, I’ve had a few sober dates, lately, which was nice, just to change things up a little.

No seriously, it was really nice to feel more in control. Not that I don’t usually feel this way, but there’s still a difference between the sober me and the me who’s had a few glasses. For the record, without the booze, I’m also probably more of a critic. So the fact that the dates went well is actually pretty surprising to me.

However, having to plan a sober date is suuuuper tough. I mean where would you go? The shitty theater or poetry slam only gets funny with booze – as does the weird art exhibit. You can’t check out the latest, most hyped cocktail bar, because it’s a cocktail bar. And going to café just seems like badly spent money.

To me, the only options you can do with anyone anytime are dinner and brunch. If only I didn’t have a ton of food allergies. Besides, who does brunch without having mimosas?

So, even though I acknowledge the advantages of sober dating – wait, did I say advantages? No, it’s just one advantage. Your ability of correctly assessing a situation will maybe be more accurate. (Depending on your general ability to connecting with people.) But yeah, that’s pretty much it. Also, seeing people drunk reveals an awful lot about their personalities. I’d say get your date shitfaced.

Verdict: There’s no point of dating sober. (Unless if you’re a former alcoholic of course.) Let your freak out! You only live once.

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Dating

The Front Porch Test

If you’ve watched How I Met Your Mother, you probably know Lily’s Front Porch Test. If you don’t, go watch it right now, because you’re missing a huge part of pop culture and also a great deal of life advice. Honestly, even after rewatching every episode at least 4 times, I can’t argue that pretty much everything in the show is somewhat applicable to my life. Well, except maybe the goat and getting injured by my friends.

Anyway, there’s this one episode that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, it’s The Front Porch Test. If you haven’t seen the show (watch it!): The Front Porch Test is basically an estimation of how well your date will integrate themselves into your group of friends and how well they will interact with them. The ideal is that the entire group grows old together and spends fun afternoons together playing a fictive card game on someone’s front porch.

Also, two of my closest friends are getting married this year, and so thinking of who would be fun and suitable enough to bring to the wedding has become my very own Front Porch Test. No one wants to look at photos and say, “Oh, there’s the […] people I love most in the world. And Bob.” So now I try to imagine who would be a great wedding date (even if I won’t bring a date – I’m writing this for the bride to be and who’s probably been like “Wtf, you’re not getting a + one!” this past minute. I love you. :*)

So as you guessed, similar to the show, my friends and I are super tight. And for some outsiders, we may come across as this weird community with funny rules that don’t match conventional ways. Sometimes, we joke about creating a cult which promotes an alternative lifestyle, similar to some in the 70s. In short, we’re a weird but very loving and loyal little bunch and especially during this last year, I’ve realized that my friends truly are my second family, as cliché as that sounds.

However, I also know that our group dynamic might not be for everyone and that some people would probably feel a little overwhelmed. And so with that in mind, whenever I was on a date, I started trying to imagine what would happen if I threw my date into this group.

Most of the time, things have ended way before the question of meeting the other person’s friends has even come up. But for the other times, it’s been interesting to watch. Though, I’d say that except for one, most of them managed rather meeehhh – which wasn’t a good sign, of course.

Sometimes, I imagine having people meet my friends who probably won’t be that comfortable with their openness and absence of polite filters. And just for the sake of my own entertainment, I actually invite them to everything. But then I think of how well they would actually fit in the group, and let’s say that I’d rather be surprised if it was a good match.

Now that could be a very conclusive assessment about my personality and my romantic choices. But this text isn’t about me, at least not primarily, so fuck that – I’m perfect.

Yet, I haven’t really met anyone who was comfortable enough with my friends. And since they’re the greatest part of my life, I would never want to date anyone who doesn’t fit in our cute little special group.

Because in the end, if there’s no one to count on, you can always count on your friends.

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Just blogging

Don’t you wanna follow me back?

I guess it’s impossible to run out of topics when you write about online dating, for the better and the worse.

One thing I always found very amusing was the moment when you exchange socials or even a number. When I gave out my number, most of the time I’d be like “Please no dick pic, please no dick pic.” Btw, I don’t understand why guys would send them in the first place. Why not start with other body parts instead? If a pic of your dick is all you have to offer, then I’m just not interested. Or is the dick pic the result of a long time of reflection, where the guy asks himself: What do I have in common with a Greek god? (If you didn’t get that joke, just google Greek god statue and have a look at their penises.)

So, I’m usually not giving out my number very easily. Instead, I like to go with my instagram account. Which is perfect actually, because that way, the dude sees that there’s less of a chance that I’m a 50 yo dude and because that even without adding each other, you can text.

But sometimes I get the feeling that some people aren’t totally easygoing when it comes to staying in touch with someone via instagram. And funnily, the ones who only have like a handful of followers seem to be the thirstiest and the most eager to gain more followers. So what usually happens is that they follow me – which I never asked them to do, I just gave them my handle so that they can stalk me as much as they like, but that doesn’t mean I’m engaging. It’s like doing the starfish in bed, just that it’s on social media. And then, I can honestly just wait for the question: “Don’t you wanna follow me back?” …. And me like:

Seriously, why would you even ask that question? It’s like asking: “But why haven’t you said anything about my new haircut?” Well, it’s ugly af, I’m not to look at that more often than I need to. So sorry, not sorry, I’m not going to follow your shitty insta account. Otherwise, I would have hit that button already. But I didn’t, so just draw your conlusions from that.

But keep sending me nice messages, please.

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Dating

Some thoughts on dating

I’m finally sitting here with the glass of wine I’ve been craving since noon earlier today, I had the weirdest day and kind of started it in a bad mood. Funnily, it was thanks to my students who – let’s be honest – I usually find a little annoying, though they’re also very sweet, that my mood has tremendously improved throughout the afternoon. Anyway, today is my rest day and I’ll also watch the dramatic finale of the German version of The Bachelor later tonight, so why not have some wine to go with it? Besides, my goal for the future is becoming one of PLL’s wine moms. Though without the basement, of course. And now that I’ve written the longest and most unnecessary introduction that has ever existed since the literary era of realism, I can get to the topic I actually want to write about today. (I’m even putting it in italic letters, so if you don’t like long introductions, you can just skip it. Oh, I should have mentioned that in the beginning, my bad.)

Ok, where do I start? If I was a contestant on The Bachelor, I’d say “I feel so blindsided!!” and start sobbing pitifully. But guess that would be slightly exaggerated in my situation, because I’m talking about a two-dates situation. Though in the Bachelor world, being crushed, devastated and losing faith in humanity would totally count as an adequate reaction to not getting a third rose (not even date). Maybe I should apply after all. I mean I already like booze, pretty dresses, free travels and exposing my soul to total strangers. Oh and I wouldn’t mind getting instafamous either.

So I was texting a guy I’ve been on exactly two dates so far after I met him through an app. He actually looked like on his photos and I didn’t hate our conversations. Actually, he was not the kinda guy you’d normally see on a dating app. However, he kinda stopped texting me back not too long after that (which is never a good sign of course) and even on our second date, there were a few awkward mix-ups already. But hey, I’m somewhat optimistic sometimes and so I didn’t mind having someone asking me about playing the violin even though I’ve never touched an instrument before.

Anyway, when I sugessted that we meet up this weekend, he told me that he’s gotten serious with some other chick in the meanwhile. First of all, seriously? How serious can you get with someone in the course of two weeks? And secondly, if you started seeing her before, why even bother meeting me? Especially if she’s really, I mean REALLY awesome. But I guess everyone understands what I’m implying here.

Somewhere in between many more mean, cynical and sarky thoughts (which I won’t share here, I can be really mean in my head), I also started wondering “When is the right moment to discuss what kind of relationship you want to have with someone?”.

As I mentioned in a former blogpost, I’m not opposed to an open relationship. But I think that in order to get there, you have to have a phase of plain monogmay where you get to know each other and especially each other’s boundaries, insecurities, doubts, daddy issues etc. to well establish a certain amount of trust before inviting other people in. Imo, if you don’t do that, you’re just a horny hippie who will most probably need all the drugs you can get just to be able to go through the drama that ensues (in addition to the 17 puberties you’ll have to deal with).

But how do you bring this sort of thing up on a first or second date? When I watched Netflix’ Dating Around, I was actually shocked by how quickly they spoke about future plans and about having children. They hadn’t even had dessert yet! I can’t even describe how weirded out I’d be if that happened to me. But then on the other hand, I will never have the same clarity within the first couple of dates as the people who ask these questions.

But maybe, I like the uncertainty. See, I knew from very early on that I’m not that much of a people’s person. Mostly because I like individuals instead of people in general. I also knew from a quite early age that having a career is more important to me than having an amazing social calendar (except if the social calendar is related to my career). I highly value being independent, to the point that I can hardly imagine living with someone I’m involved with romantically and who I can’t just ignore like my roommates. I guess all these things together are part of the reason why I don’t want to have kids and even why I dislike dogs. But when it comes to dating, I’ve noticed that actually many people fit in rather stereotypical, conservative patterns. Everyone seems to be looking for something secure, a sure thing, something that has the potential of lasting forever. And marriage of course. (My only reasons to get married would be the dress and the party.)

So you can probably say that I don’t exactly convey the security of a stable lifestyle. I move all the time. (I’m not even kidding, I moved 11 times in the last 10 years.) I like putting myself first. And I hate the idea of doing the same thing or person for the next 50 years to come. To me settling down sounds like a death penalty, which I’m very much opposed to.
Instead of getting a Golden Retriever, I want to travel the world and experience things. I definitely don’t want a conservative suburban life. But maybe that’s too complicated. Maybe I should want to wear mom jeans and just be happy. Maybe I’m too difficult by wanting someone who’s adventurous but also knows what he wants instead of trying to keep all options open. Maybe I should be less difficult and lower my expectations, just as some rather simple people have told me to. And maybe I should be less career oriented and valuing family more.
Well no, that won’t happen.

I want to spend my time with someone who shares the same values and who isn’t afraid of commitment. Someone who prefers complexity over comfort. And who’s also insanely hot and smart AF of course. But then again, dating just isn’t a priority for me, even though I have to admit that I do own a copy of Matthew Hussey’s book. But I’m way more interested in communication techniques in general than in attracting guys and finding love. However, if by any chance, you’re a hot guy with great intellect, feel free to drop me a line. But only if you’re a cat person.

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Dating

10 years of dating: How my dating life has changed

Wow, I’ve been in this dating thing for 10 years now. I didn’t even realize, until I had to come up with a headline for this post. I guess that’s why I’m getting really cynical and fed up with the whole dating thing, sometimes. 10 years is A LOT. Try to measure it in wine and you’ll know how much of a lot it is, If it only was good wine, though…

I got in the dating game quite late. My teenage years were super lame, I didn’t go out much and was way more focused on school than on boys. (Which was easy, since we didn’t have any good looking or even interesting guys.)

The first time I actually “dated” someone was during my very first year in France.And so it was a French dude, of course. Though it was not really dating, but much more sneaking around. Back then, I found it exciting.

But I also think I was the lamest person to date.
I was soooo scared. And very preoccupied with consent – I was actually afraid to touch that other person. To me, it felt like an invasion of his private space, I didn’t dare to touch him.

It took me a long time to get over this sort of fear. To not being afraid of showing my affection. And still today,I’m not taking it lightly, at all.

But of course, so much has changed since my 18-year-old self. First of all, all the articles I’ve read in women’s magazines. I started reading women’s magazines at age 12, but I feel like some things became more clear the older I got. Besides, I’m pretty sure these articles are almost a subsitute to studying psychology. Just to give you an idea of how much I learned from them.

An then of course, there’s actual dating.
I won’t tell you my number, because slutshaming and stuff, but it’s safe to say that I’ve had a few opportunities to get to know dating since my early 20s.

And while my early 20s seemd to be a hot mess – I didn’t exactly stand up for myself, nor did I coomunicate my standards in a way I should have – my late 20s seem to be so much more easygoing. For the first time in life, I’m actively communicating what I want and what I don’t, I’m no longer afraid of being “difficult” or “high maintenance” or “on my period” (fuck that and the douches who would come up with that sort of statement) and I’m saying loud and clear that I enjoy watching cheesy romcoms and that I will never ever in my life watch Star Wars (or any movie taking place in space).

And it’s going really well. To the point that right now, I’m seriously thinking of how much affection is the right amount of affection. Normallly, I whouldn’t even think twice about this sort of things. But I guess my history is playing a role in this one.

Still, I’m not counting scores. I just refuse to do so, because I think0 that on an interpersonal level, counting scores doesn’t do any good to any one. And besides, there’s much more important things than some statistics on a blog.

But back to my topic: I think that our dating life has changed in a way that everything has become more strategisc. Or at least it seems like it.

If you’re into online dating: When was the last time you saw someone just hoping to get drinks, no matter how the other person would be like? Probably never.

Everyone has a goal or an ideal to go after. Normally, that’s a good thing, but on dating apps, I’d say it’s toxic – since peoplle have the tendancy to categorically rule out everything that doesn’t fit into their own belief system. And that kinda makes it quite hard to find people who think like you, even if it’s just remotely. At least, that’s my impression.

Nevertheless, I got to know someone who seems to have the same opinions and so far, we seem to agree on many topics. The only obstacle so far has been our different tastes in music. And sincethe music he likes isn’t horrible, I wouldn’t even call it an obstacle.
Everything seems so easy and I can’t help but wonder: why can’t it always be like that?

I’m also wondering: Why is this the first time that I truly feel like evethings are falling into place?
I guess the keyword here is experience. I’m no longer second guessing my every move. I’ve learned it doesn’t serve you at all. Instead, I’m just being me and only doing what feels comfortable to me. It seems like a no-brainer, but I’m pretty sure it’s not just me but many women who make it their highest priority to please others. Not a healthy approach, and also not useful when it comes to finding someone to date.

In the meanwhile, concentrating on me and what I want and need has become quite easy – and it feels pretty damn good. I just wish I could have been like that when I was a teenager, but I guess you have to go through all the bad dates in order to get there. But I guess everything happens for a reason. I just had to go through some shitty dates in order to figure out what I want and what I definitely cannot tolerate. I probably wouldn’t be at this point if my life had turned out differently. And with that being said: I’m thankful for all the experiences I’ve made so far. For the good ones, but even more for the shitty ones. They’ve made me the person I am today.

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Lifestyle

Are you spontaneous?

I’m sure many of you have heard that question. Are you spontaneous?

Normally, that’s a question everyone would love to answer with a big YES!, capital letters, exclamation point. I mean why wouldn’t you? Being spontaneous rhymes with being easygoing, adventurous, fun and exciting. It probably also rhymes with being really good in bed. Girls who are down to improvise a camping trip to some place where only the stars are watching you. So who wouldn’t want to be spontaneous?

I told you that I do the whole online dating thing. (Spoiler alert, it’s the worst idea ever, but at least, it gives me something to write about.) And so guys asking me about how spontaneous I am is probably one of the most frequently asked questions. And it sounds like a normal question, right? Well, that’s what I naively thought too, until I realized that the typical time frame for that question was around midnight. Aka thirsty dudes looking for booty calls, not putting in any effort.

And so it made me wonder: What does being spontaneous even mean? I mean of course I’m not going to go out of my way and meet some random guy in the middle of the night, not even if I actually have nothing better to do. But still, I strongly believe that there are acceptable times for a first date and that a first date should never begin at midnight, period. Besides, there’s Netflix. So the entertainment that awaits me instead should be pretty awesome, but what are the chances? I largely prefer spending an hour or even two meeting someone in the early evening and then forget all about it while I drink tons of white wine and rewatch Sex and the City for the umpteenth time than having my entire night ripped away. Of course, there’s nothing that should prevent anyone to meet up with the crush of their life at no matter what time of the day or night. But what are the chances? In my experience, it’s mostly the thirsty dudes that want you to come over in the middle of the night – like a prostitute who doesn’t take money. Or at the very best, a girl who doesn’t have a life but waits for some dude to make her day/night.

So my answer to the spontaneity question? Mostly yes and no. I love to be spontaneous when I’m already with a person, meaning when I have already scheduled some time for them. But I would never abandon my plans just to meet up with someone who sends me a lazy message. Not even if my only plan for the night is to Keep Up With The Kardashians. That’s why I usually answer the spontaneity question with ‘No, I’m a stuck up bitch.’

 

PS: Google suggests fun stuff for spontaneity. Apparently, people who are spontaneous love the outdoors and have a healthy heart.

 

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