Tag Archives: personal

Just blogging

When time stops

Since I’m back to university, the same university I started my studies around nine years ago, it feels like nothing has really changed. My friends still live in the same town, few of them are still studying – like me. It feels like time traveling – I’ve lived abroad for 7 years and now that I’m back, things are pretty much the same. Especially this week, where we’re having a student exchange with (not only) students from Toulouse. The first time I participated in that exchange was exactly eight years ago and even though I was only 20 yo, the program was pretty tough. I mean, we were students. And so with the cultural program we’d do during the day and then the social gathering on top of it, we basically didn’t sleep at all for one week. It was pretty awesome. And still is, especially because the group dynamic this year is insane.

This weekend was the start of this year’s exchange and boy am I tired! And it’s only the start. (This is also why I’ve been running late with this blog post.) However, I’ll take it slowly this year because in contrast to my early 20s, I’m taking my studies a little more serious now and don’t want to miss classes because I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. Besides, even though I like the comfort of a little emotional throwback, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to do the same things over and over again. Of course, I’m super happy having my friends from university around, but at the same time, I almost feel like I’m back in my first semester and to me, that somewhat feels like regressing. That’s why right now, I’m planning to cram everything I still need to do to get my BA into this semester, so that I’m hopefully done by the end of the year. After that, there’ll still be time to travel and party.

Standard
Just blogging

When I was homeless

Almost one year ago, I got this incredible opportunity to work as an intern at Condé Nast. I applied in a moment where I had nothing figured out and I didn’t even expect anything from it. I just wanted to see what my chances were, but thought that my application would probably be rejected. I’m not  sure if I’d have applied otherwise – it was past mid-May and they needed someone who could start in June and the Condé Nast office was in Munich, around 600 km away from where I lived at that time.

To my surprise, I got a callback only two days later. And since I’d never say no to an institution like Condé Nast, I started planning my move to Munich. Everything went well, I found someone to sublet my room to as well as an apartment. Everything went really fast and it was almost miraculous how perfectly things fell into place.

I arrived in Munich late on a Sunday evening and made my way to the apartment where I was supposed to meet the landlady’s daughter, my future roommate, who would be there with the keys. But when I arrived, no one was there. Besides, I couldn’t find her name on any of the door plates. So I frantically tried to call her, which also didn’t work, because apparently, she gave me the wrong country code (she and her family were Irish). I finally got a hold of her by messaging her on Facebook. She explained that there was some sort of family emergency and that she couldn’t meet me that day. But she’d try to get there the day after. She suggested that I should stay at a hotel until then.

I was pretty broke at that time, mostly because I had just paid a month’s rent and the deposit to that reckless bitch that didn’t show up. It also was my first time in Munich, so I had no idea where to go. Besides, considering that I was carrying four huge bags that night, I was also very reluctant to start wandering around, looking for a place to stay. And if that wasn’t enough, I also couldn’t really use my phone because I had limited data transfer. Lucky for me, there was a hotel right next to the apartment and with the money I still had, I even could afford a night. And they had wifi!

I had an inkling that I wouldn’t hear from that girl anytime soon and so I spent the rest of the night and the next morning looking for a host on Couchsurfing. Again, I was super lucky, because in only one hour I found someone who was willing to host me for a week. Yet, I still didn’t know how lucky I was at that point. But that couchsurfing contact also put me in contact with a girl who sublet her room at a student’s residency where I could move in a few weeks later. In the meanwhile, I squatted at one of my new colleague’s place (she even was so ind to stay at her boyfriend’s for that time). After that, I lived at a hostel. Again, it was my CS host who gave me the address. Eventually, I also got my payments for rent and the deposit back.

So yes, in the end, everything worked in my favor. The room at the student’s residency was only half of the rent I would have paid at the other place. But most importantly, I got to meet some incredible people and I’m incredibly grateful for all the help, support and unexpected kindness I received from total strangers. Without them, my situation would have been pretty dire to say the least, especially because I didn’t feel like I really had a support system back home.

This entire experience has definitely strengthened my wishful thinking that some things happen for a reason. I mean after the troubles during the first few days/weeks, I was much better off than I’d been with the original plan. And who knows how things would have turned out with a roommate who clearly doesn’t give a shit. (Btw, I still don’t understand what her deal was. If the family issue was real, then why couldn’t she manage to send someone on her behalf to pass the keys? For a moment, I thought it was a scam, even though I had a contract and even though extensive stalking didn’t show anything suspicious. But then I got all my money back. I really don’t understand.)

Also, the time I spend at the hostel probably was the best time I ever had. But I feel like I’ll talk about that in another blogpost.

Until then, enjoy your Sunday night!

Standard
Just blogging

Birthday week & moments of depression

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Some of my friends take their birthdays very seriously. They throw amazing parties and even dedicate the entire week to it.

To me however, my birthday has not that much importance. I played with the thought to have a huge party this year, but I don’t feel like it any more. My week has been pretty mundane so far as well.

I have no idea why I don’t care about my birthday. Maybe it’s because I think that being brought to this world involuntarily isn’t an accomplishment that deserves being celebrated. Neither is slowly approaching death.

Though I do get mad when friends or people who should remember my birthday don’t. So in some sort, I’m denying my own existence but am pissed if others don’t acknowledge it.

There was a period where my situation was a little different from now, though not too much. It w a time where I quite often had thoughts like “If I’m still around next year..” and so I felt that each year living would be something I could be proud of.

Now I’m more like “whatever”. The latent suicidal thoughts have significantly decreased, which is good, I guess, but there are still days where I feel that simply existing is just incredibly hard. And what for anyway?

“What motivates you to get up in the morning?” You’ve probably come across this question at some point in your life. Can you answer it? If yes, what would your answer be? I really thought about it many times and I still have nothing. Probably because I haven’t found anything I’m truly (or even remotely) passionate about. I thought of testing a bunch of new activities, trying something different every week. Maybe in this way, I’ll find something that I enjoy so much that it can become a passion.

Speaking of motivation, I know that I have to change my shitty mindset. So I’m currently trying meditation and I also read a bunch of articles. And no kidding, every time there’s a line like “Make a difference” or something, I’m literally thinking “What for, we’re all going to die anyways”.

Sometimes, I really admire religious people. They seem to have a reason to exist and maybe their beliefs give them some extra strength. But then, religion is such an abstract thing to me, it just wouldn’t work.

Counselling has worked for me, so that’s back on. As for my bday, I’m not really doing anything. But I know that my mom has planned something, so I’m sure that’ll be fun.

 

Standard
Just blogging

How much is too much?

When I think of possible topics to write about, I automatically think of how much I actually want to share. How much information is too much?

I thought about some of my previous blog posts and deleted two of them. I also deleted my blog-related Facebook page. Not because I was ashamed of anything I wrote earlier, but because I’m not sure if I want all of my friends, family, or in the worst case my employer know EVERYTHING. Somehow, I find it much easier to expose my personal life to an anonymous crowd rather than people I see on a daily basis.

My biggest fear is that people misjudge me or take things I say too seriously, forgetting that everything I write is nothing more than my point of view, which, of course, cannot be applied to everyone or all kinds of circumstances. And I hate tiptoeing around topics. As much as I love how woke people are today, the all time political correctness can be such a pain if you’re trying to express something in writing, especially if you want it to say in the same way you would in a conversation.

But whatever (subtle transition), I feel like this time I’m going to try not to think too much about how my posts will be received and care more about authenticity instead. Not that my previous blogposts have been fake, but I sometimes felt like I’ve held back a lot. In the end, if any of my babbling is inspiring to anyone, or if it makes someone feel a little less alone, then that’s all that matters. And so that’s the ultimate goal here.

Standard
Just blogging

Why blogging?

It’s March and I’m realizing that I did not stick to my resolution of writing more often, at all.

One reason (or let’s be real: one excuse) is that these past couple of weeks have kept me busy with work, my studies and seeing my friends. I also wanted to keep some lazy time for myself where I just do nothing. I honestly don’t know how others manage to be productive at all times and I totally admire that. But where do they take all this energy from? I kind of need my lazy days that I spend watching The Bachelor or KUWTK. (Btw, who else is obsessed with these shows?)

The second thing that has kept me from writing is that I’m just overthinking. So instead of just getting stuff done, I’m thinking about the “Why?”. Like why would anyone give a shit about what I have to say? It’s for this exact same reason that I’m not super active with my insta stories. Even though I love watching other people talking about their day, what they had for lunch, what cute little shop they discovered, or what their cat did, I feel like it would make no sense for me because my life is pretty boring. I also don’t have a cat. And the times I spend with my friends are fun, but not exactly IG material.

And then of course I see all these other amazing blogs already existing, which is awesome, but also quite intimidating. Besides, I wouldn’t exactly identify as a fashion blogger, I just scribble what’s in my head. But is there a niche for that? And again, who cares?

The thing is, when I take this last thought a little further, it brings me to some really dark places. Like, what impact would my existence have on the universe – none. You can imagine how my mind spirals from there. Btw, this has also been the reason why I’ve been unable to finish my studies and had to take a six-year break. (And if I’m honest, I’m still doing a rather poor job at it.)

The only thing that seems to work for me – at least to some extent – is not to question anything, but just try and do stuff. But in addition to that, I also need to review how I manage my time. So the new idea is that I’m going to write every Sunday. Hopefully, that’s how I’ll get my former consistency back.

In the meanwhile, let me know how you organize yourself. How do you manage to keep blogging regularly in addition to your other activities? And how much time goes into your blog? Tell me everything 🙂 and see you here next Sunday!

Standard
Just blogging

Back here again :)

As the title says, I’m officially back on my “old” blog, but this one’s going to get a makeover in the next couple of weeks. Because who doesn’t love a good makeover?

As I announced on my former website (which no longer exists), I wanted to come up with a real plan and not just post random stuff anymore. Well, I’m not sure if I’ll succeed in not posting random stuff, but at least I’ll try to get it structured in some sort of way. It’ll be a little experimental, too. And then, who knows where it’ll go.

So stay tuned for more. 🙂

Standard
Culture, Lifestyle

New year, new beginning

Even though I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions – I think people should try to be the best version of themselves throughout the whole year and also make resolutions at any moment it becomes necessary – I actually do have some resolutions for this year.

The first one, which I’ve already started working on since November, are getting fitter, physically and also mentally. Having struggled with eating disorders for the past ten years, I’m becoming aware of the results of the horrible things I did to my body. I’m also noticing how my former lifestyle is affecting my health and how it might affect me in the future. Therefore, I started taking care of myself, which includes working out regularily, eating healthier, drinking less alcohol and sleeping more (and much better without the usual glas, glasses or sometimes masses of wine I used to have).

And since body and mind go hand in hand when it comes to your well-being, I also decided that I would challenge my brain more. At first, I started with the idea of simply increasing my IQ and trained myself by doing some IQ test preparation on my phone everytime I was taking public transports. In the meanwhile, I was thinking about how I could also become more creative. I have to admit that I kind of feel ashamed when people find out that I once started writing a blog, when I’m now totally lacking of inspiration and commitment. So I’m now planning on writing for at least half an hour a day – about anything, regardless of how it it could affect potential readers. (I’ve read that becoming adults, we lose the spontaneity that kids have. Kids just start drawing, writing, being creative without minding how their work will be perceived. As adults, we first of all think about the result we try to achieve, and sometimes get frustrated with our creative attempts, which of course, turn out to not be that creative in the end. So in order to escape this vicious circle, I’m trying to stop overthinking. I can still do that when it finally comes to publishing what I’ve written.) I hope in that way, I will be able to collect some ideas which are worth working with. That being said, I’ve no clue which direction this blog will take. There will certainly be less posts about fashion (there are so many talented people who are alreday doing a great job by writing about fashion). Instead, I will probably share more of my personal thoughts, concerns, opinions. Or to say it in a different way, I will use the blog for its initial purpose.

A few weeks ago, I read an article on the website of The Guardian. It was an critique on a modern artist whose name I forgot. (It also doesn’t matter in is case.) What really striked me in this article was the critivc asking if the artist had ever thought about what she actually wanted to express and in which way her art should affect the recipient. Apparently, she just went from painting to publishing, staying in the childish approach of not thinking about what kind of an impact her art could have. In any case, I thought that the question of purpose was a relevant one. And even though some people might say that art should have no purpose, I never shared this opinion. Also, I sometimes get the impression that modern artists don’t seem to care very much about how their art is received or if it’s accessible. But that’s another chapter. What I initially wanted to express with this rather huge parenthesis is, that even though I’ve given some thought to the possible reactions of potential readers and to the question if I could make an impact with my texts (probably not), I have no answer to that at all. And so I’m satisfied that a blog isn’t a piece of art.

Anyway, I hope I will succeed in sticking to my New Year’s resolutions and maybe, some interesting texts will come out.

Happy New Year!

Standard