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This Will Never End Cause I Want More…

Today is one of the days where I wish I was any other person. Or at least not in my head. My day was actually pretty good, I had a good night’s sleep, had a great workout and a nice walk, ran some errands. I also made plans for the weekend (which I usually never do) – I#m going to see some Shakespeare-related performances and am actually really excited about it, even though or maybe especially because I’m usually quite lowbrow. I also received an H&M delivery today, a really cool bomber jacket I can’t wait to wear for the next shooting. So all in all, I would say it was a pretty good day. However, at some time after my workout, I suddenly felt this darkness creeping in. I think it was when I looked at some magazines and one headline I saw claimed that millenials have no money. I quickly read the article (yes, I’m that person who reads articles on magazines without buying them . That’s why I never remember my sources.) The article was depressing. It pretty much said that millenials are doomed because living expenses are constantly rising but wages stay the same. And if that wasn’t enough, one of my favorite bloggers just published a blog post about the change from analog to digital, which made me think of Fahrenheit 451 and that stuff is scary af.
My – let’s call it anxious state of mind – became even stronger on my way back home. On the train, there were two girls next to me talking about some guy they knew who was going to be incredibly successful with some app or whatever. At the age of 17. And my mind immediately jumped to the question of what I hve accomplished so far. Well, nothing, really. And I don’t even know what I wanna do in life. It sounds whiney and annoying, but I wish things weren’t as hard. I wish I just knew what I wanted to do in life instead of looking for something I’m “passionate about”. Or maybe I should rephrase that. I know a few things I’m passionate about, but I don’t know how to turn them into something that’ll make a living. Besides, I get the impression that if you wanna do something creative, you need to have a great set of skills – which I don’t have. It’s a litte discouraging, especially because I’m not really excelling at anything. And no one cares for mediocre. I don’t know if it makes sense to you, but I often feel like life can’t really provide a sense or something that I would want. It just seems too small and insignificant, which makes me feel small and insignfiicant. Because even if you have wealth and anything you wnat, where does it lead you? Basically no where. Because even the most successful people don’t have everything. And so that brings me back to the theory of anti-natalism and is also the reason why I’m listening to Fever Ray and drinking looooots of wine tonight.

 

 

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #3

I can’t believe this week is already over. What happened? It was Sunday just a minute ago, how can it be Sunday again? I actually have to think really hard to remember how I spent every single day, I didn’t exactly write down anything (even though that was something I wanted to do more often.

Monday, August 27

My week is starting slowly. Besides work, there wasn’t much going on. But damn, work was fun! We had the hottest dad walk in today. To give you an idea, he looked like Thor. I’m not even kidding when I’m telling you that my jaw dropped when I saw him. And then I turned into a giggly teenager, I just couldn’t stop smiling. He came in with his newborn daughter and his life-partner – at least if the odds are in their favor. I’ll say wife, just to make things easier for my writing. (Somehow, life partner and girlfriend both sound stupid, especially girlfriend in this context.) Surprisingly, he and his wife looked soooo different. They seemed to be completely different types. He got all the Thor-vibes going on, you know, hunky dude, 6’5″ who probably used to work as a model for Abercrombie when he was in High School/ College, loves to go camping and catches and kills fish with his bare hands. She however seemed to be a rather sophisticated type, who can’t be interested in any kind of outdoorsy activity, but prefers to drink red wine (except during pregnancy, of course) and read Sartre. She looked so much older than him, btw. I don’t think that she was older than him. I think she just doesn’t know how to do her makeup and so she got stuck somewhere in the 90s, with some dark shades that do absolutely nothing for her complexion. Anyway, my bitchy mind immediately started to wonder what could have made these two people who seemed to be so completely different (at least on the outside), be attracted to one another.
I wasn’nt able to figure it out, and still can’t. But since Monday, I keep seeing odd couples, where either the girl is waaaay hotter than the guy or vice versa. And that makes me think of the episode on How I Met Your Mother where they explain that you’re either a reacher or a settler. From what I’m seeing in the streets, that totally checks out. I can’t think of a time that I’ve seen an insanely hot couple, it’s either the girl or the guy. But I’m sure they all have great personalities.

 

Tuesday, August 28

Tonight, I’m going to shoot with one of my friends after work and I’m so excited!!! I’ve never had a friend taking pictures of me, it kinda makes me nervous. I guess I don’t want to look stupid when I try different poses (even though – let’s admit it – I only have three). But when there’s the possibility that someone who I’ve seen in a private setting will have so much more ground to judge me on, it just kinda terrifies me. And that’s the reason why I’ve asked this friend in particular, he’s the least judging person I know. On the contrary, he’s probably one of the kindest. And since he has a creative background, I’m sure he’ll be able to give some valuabe input.

I was not mistaken, the photos are BOMB! I just love them! Plus, the shoot was super quick, wee did everything in just one hour. Which means we had plenty of  time to sit down, have a drink and chat. It was a great night. And I found out that we have so much more in common than I’d expected. I guess I’ve found myself a new photographer and I’m very happy about that!

 

Wednesday, August 29

It’s my day off! I had the coolest dream last night, it was some sort of follow-up to my last creepy dream. But this time, the Kardashians weren’t in it. I was in the desert and the setting had some major GoT vibes. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much of that dream, but I remember that I was with other people from my “tribe” and again, it was a war situation. So we were trying to move across the desert without being seen by others. That’s probably why we were all covered from head to toe. I was wearing a hijab and also a wide dress that covered everything. If you’re as obsessed with dreams as I am, I should probably mention that everything I was wearing was white and gold. We where riding along on our camels and then we got to this tavern. We had a break from our ride and were about to sit down and order something to eat and drink, when in that exact moment, we noticed a former member of our group. Her name was Valentina, she wanted to be on her own shortly after she became a part of our group. And now we were seeing her there in that tavern. It was a nice surprise, at least for me, since I hadn’t expected to see her again. (just for the record, I don’t know any Valentina irl.) She had a bunch of jewelry laid out in front ot her, I guess that’s how she made a living – it was amazing actually. Lots of gold and gemstones, everything you could want. Suddenly, while we were looking at the jewelry, new people arrived to the tavern. It was people from the troops we were trying to escape. Of course, they as well came closer to have a look at Valentina’s collection. She took the time to show every item, and that’s when I noticed that most of her fingers on the right hand were missing. She only had her thumb and her index finger, the rest was obviously missing and covered in a bandage. In my dream, having only a certain amount of fingers means that you’re part of an alternative tribe. Valentina must have joined them while she was crossing the desert on her own. In this alternative tribe, getting your fingers chopped off is some sort of passage. Or if you want to become part of the tribe, a form of hazing where you do the sacrifice, but can’t be sure if you’ll be accepted as a new tribe member. In that case, it was the same tribe the soldiers belonged to.
All that time, I was really worried for the soldiers to find out who we were. If they’d known we’re fleeing, they’d probably done whatever horrible crime you can imagine. But in this dream, they were so distracted by Valentina’s jewelry, they didn’t even care. They even forgot that we were there and so they let us go.
Compared to having blood spilled over me, that’s a pretty good outcome. But I did wonder  how it was possible that a relatively small amount of gold and precious stones distracted them so much that they totally forgot what they were looking for in the first place. Unfortunately, I woke up before anything happened. I hope there’ll be another episode coming soon.

 

Thursday, August 28

I spent almost the entire day watching Refinery29 videos and Try Living With Lucie. I’m getting a little obsessed with the latter and I kinda wanna be friends with Lucie. Is it weird that I wanna be friends with people I only “know” from reality tv or youtube?
Sometimes, when I walk in the streets and I see people who are wearing a great outfit or just look really pretty, I always feel the urge to run up to them and yell “Let’s be best friends!” I wonder what their reactions were if I really did that. Maybe I should start making videos where I do exactly that. Then I could also include asking girls about their boobs. As you may know from one of my previous posts, I’m not exactly happy with the shape of my boobs and sometimes, I think about having them reduced/remodeled. And so now, whenever I see girls with nice boobs, I often feel like asking them “Where did you get those?”. And then, I have to remind myself that A) it probably isn’t considered polite to ask strangers about their body parts an B) I can’t purchase nature. Argh.

 

Friday, August 29

I’m soooo happy that I only have a short day at work. It’s insane how freaking loud kids can be. I’m pretty sure the noise today could be compared to the noise on a construction site. It’s unnerving. And I don’t understand parents who can raise such kids, or how they deal with them at home. I would immediately sign them up for a tour in Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory if I was them. Speaking of other people’s kids, sometimes I think of how they could turn out in a couple of years from now. So for example there was one mother who came in with her sons and they were not completely annoying but clearly had troubles listening to their mom. Still, they were acting a little shy, but that probably was because they were in a doctor’s office. And I thought, “Not too long until that little boy that’s probably super cute with his mom right now will send out dick pics and turn into a total douche.”

 

Saturday, September 1st and Sunday, September 2nd

My weekend was rather lazy, so there’s really not much to tell. I went out to look for new locations to shoot at and found a whole bunch. I’m pretty happy about that and really can’t wait. I’m just starting to worry about the weather getting colder and so I’m already slightly panicking about what I’ll do once winter is coming. I hate being cold.

A part from that, I watched some more videos of my new best friend Lucie and then tried to get my room organized. I hate how much stuff I have. There’s a large pile of clothes I want to donate, but right now, it’s just been sitting in a corner for the last two months. Also, the amount of books and magazines I have is ridiculous! I’ll probably do a HUGE clean out sesh pretty soon.

So that was my week. Maybe I should try out something Lucie did on her channel just to change things up a little. I should probably start with sticking to my plan and really write into my agenda every single day, and maybe draw a little something as well. But for now, I’m headed to bed. Good night!

 

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #2

Posessed kids and creepy dreams..

Monday, August 20

Shit, shit shit, I can’t believe I overslept! It’s 9:30am, I should’ve been at work over an hour ago! I have to stop turning off my alarm in my sleep. But then I also should stop calling vodka my best friend, because that’s the real reason I overslept.
Fortunately, it wasn’t a big deal, fortunately. Everyone was happy I showed up after all.

Tuesday, August 21 

Dear Cat,

today was a normal workday. I fortunately arrived on time this morning (I was really freaking out about switching off my alarm again). But it’s not even been really busy. So I’m starting to learn how to do the medical screenings, which means that I’m basically just sheepishly standing around while others do their job. Btw, this job has helped me so much with not being afraid of awkwardness. Most of the time, I actually just or sit somewhere, not doing anything useful (because I’m still new at this, of course). And it doesn’t even bother me. I hope this not-bothering-me will help me a lot when I become a journalist.
So today, we did a screening of a 4yo kid. One part of the screening is having them draw stuff, in this case a human being. Then we count how many body parts the kid has drawn and evaluate its intelligence based on that. (Imo, that’s total bs. Most of the kids are just annoyed by having to spend time at the doctor’s. Of course they’re not going to draw anything – they wanna get out of there!) The kid we saw today drew a perfect Tim Burton figure. It looked super strange and almost as if she was possessed. In fact, instead of a human, she drew a little demon there. I absolutely loved it! And even though she didn’t draw feet or a neck, she passed the test. I think she should go to art school.

Wednesday, August 22

Dear Cat,

tonight, I had the weirdest dream. It was finally one of my consecutive dreams, which I always find very entertaining. They’re like mini-series of (sometimes creepy) nonsense. So tonight, was the third episode of a dream where I’m in the main building of my university, but it looks much more mysterious and more like a castle than irl. (Even the real one is quite castle-y.) And so I found this floor which is actually a cul-de-sac, but it has a women’s restroom (which isn’t labelled as such tho). With me are the Kardashians, at least Kim, Kourtney and Khloé, and Kourtney has her daughter Penelope with her. While we’re in the castle, there’s a huge medieval fight going on. It’s like a slaughterhouse in there and so obviously, we try to get out of there without being seen. Also with us is a character that looks like The Hound from GoT. He’s wearing the same kind of armour and is probably twice my height. In addition to his sword, he also uses a huge iron belt to smash people’s heads.
So we make our way through the castle, but when we get to the cul-de-sac, Kourtney suddenly stops because Penelope has to pee. So Kourtney and her wanna stop to use the “secret” ladie’s room. And I’m thinking something like: “Well then they might get trapped and if we continue our path, we probably won’t be able to help them.” But since I’m (subtle brag right here) ALWAYS lucid dreaming, my conscious me is telling me “No, we can deal with a being-trapped-situation later. Let’s see what happens next, first.” And so my dream-me is like “OK, go ahead, you’ll catch up with us.”, then turns around to The Hound and we’re leaving, still trying to get out of the castle as fast as possible. We make it to the gardens. And Kourtney and Penelope even manage to meet us there. However, they didn’t notice that they were followed and soon, we have an entire army of scary folks around us. Of course, The Hound is trying to protect us, but someone of the evil army grabs his iron belt from him, using it to tie him against a fence. And since I was trying to hide behind The Hound, I indirectly get tied to the fence as well, unable to move.
Again, it’s a war situation.  So the scary dude uses the situation to smack The Hound’s  head, over and over again. Blood is everywhere, quite a lot dropping on me as well. The Hound finnally breaks down and I’m thinking “OK, now it’s probably my turn to die.”. But then the scary dude abruptly stops and tells me I’m free to go, because his folks treat women right.
End of dream.

I wake up the second it was over. It was only the second dream I had in my entire entire life, where someone actually died in front of me. (I had only one other where the feeling of being helpless was stressed that much. That other dream was of a terrorist bus kidnap where I was on the bus as well. The terrorists would then scalp otheres alive.)

Yeah, most of my dreams are pretty dark. Maybe part of the reason is that I used to live next to a graveyard when I was a kid. We were so close, I could hear the sound of the bone mill.

Thursday, August 23

Dear Cat,

today, I took this quiz on Buzzfeed that told me if I’m gonna get rich based on which eye shadow palette I choose. I love money and I love eye shadow, that quiz was made for me! In my first round, my result was “You’re going to be filthy rich”. (I hope that’s true!) This was the result when I clicked on the palettes that mostly included nude tones. I then took the quiz again, this time choosing more colorful palettes. And my new result was “You have zero dollars”. Which is accurate bc I live in the EU, but I still prefer “filthy rich. So obviously, it’s the colors that make you be successful or not. I mean think of Kim Kardashian and the eye shadow she’s wearing. Have you ever seen her wearing any flashy colors (except maybe blue)? Exactly, you haven’t. Kim chooses nude colors. So the  lesson I learned from this: Nudes will boost your career!

Friday, August 24

Dear Cat,

today has been a normal work day, nothing special. Tonight, we had an open house, but it was really quick. I’m just hanging out since, watching Bachelor in Paradise. Is it normal that I’m that obsessed with this show? I got beyond excited when I saw who’s going to be in Paradise this year, it’s crazy. And I’d actually love to be friends with some of them. I’m a huuuge fan of Jordan, I think he’s extremely funny. And I’d love to meet Benoît who seems super sweet. I think I’d really get along with Ashley I. and Corinne – of course! –  who were in the former seasons. (And I’d totally date Thomas from the Bachelorette Canada where Jasmine was the Bachelorette. Still don’t understand why she let him go.)

Saturday, August 25

Dear Cat,

today was shit. I didn’t follow the at-least-2-real-meals-plan my therapist gave me. I made it a 0-real-meal-plan instead. The problem probably was that I didn’t work out. When I work out, my mood is so much better. But right now, all I wanna do is write and feel this gigantic pit inside of me, like if all of my organs were squished together, leaving nothing but a paper thin surface. Also, why can’t humans function like plants? I wouldn’t have any of this trouble if our existence was build on sunlight and water.

I’ll still use this day and do something useful. So I asked a friend if he’d agree to take some photos and he said yes. So in order to find a good location, I had a great walk through the city. There are so many cool places, I’m pretty excited! Plus, I saw a few items I really loved at H&M (seriously, they should sponsor me! I usually wear nothing but H&M). So I think the shoot will be pretty great and I’m really looking forward to it.

I also discovered a new series, or should I say documentary? It’s pretty cool. In case you wanna check it out, it’s called Hollywood Love Story.

Sunday, August, 26

Today is weird. I feel totally empty (haha guess why *eyeroll*), but not only physically, but also emotionally. My brain feels like mush, it seems like I’m not even able to have a single normal thought. Which is kinda nice, it’s like instead of noise, there’s a moment of silence. Maybe that’s why I’m mia, bc it always has that effect on me – a moment of total silence in my head. It feels like I’m floating in an eternal cloud of nothingness. And even though I’m no use for anything today, thinking and feeling absolutely nothing feels kinda good.

Later today: Watching some more Hollywood Love Story. Damn, this is addictive! And kinda saddening. I know I’m sounding super cheesy right now, but everyone who’s interviewed in this documentary seems almost innocent. And then you see them confronted with all the struggles they have to face while trying to make it in the entertainment industry. Some of them are (former) sex workers and I’m super impressed by their attitudes. That reminds me of a tweet I saw earlier this month. It was about the ban on certain sex acts in British porn. Btw, they banned female ejaculation. Like wtf Britain???? Anyway, it was the smartest 280 characters ever, I should it saved it somehow. Anyway, I’ve read so many blogposts and articles, listened to podcasts all published by sex workers and every time, I just think they’re the smartest people with incredible emotional intelligence.

Somehow, I’m just thinking of one of my teachers. He was my English teacher and a pretty cool guy, one of my favorite teachers. Though, he was the type of person you either love or hate. A few of my classmate’s parents were teachers as well, at the same school, and so there were a few rumors about all the teacher’s private life. If you can trust the rumors, my favorite English teacher was a part time photographer and loved to take nudes. I remember that everyone was at least a little outraged by that, but I never got why. So he likes to shoot nudes, so what?? Especially because he was never, never inappropiate in any way at school (I also think that he must’ve been fun to work with). Let people be freaks, dammit!

 

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #1

As I announced on insta, I will now try to give you a weekly peek in my life. Stuff I’d write into a diary aka your weekly dose of voyeurism. After I’ve seen a youtube video of a girl who purchased someone else’s diaries, I was reminded that that was something I always wanted to do: buying and reading someone’s diaries. I only didn’t because I was afraid I couldn’t read the handwriting. And since I can’t be the only weirdo who loves to get to know way too much about other people, I thought I’d include a section here on the blog. It’ll also force me to keep writing in  my diary on a daily basis – which I don’t really do any more even though I want to. Just to flip through it five years later, being embarrassed by how stupid I was. And now you’ll be able to witness this all the embarassment, isn’t that fun? So here goes…

 

Monday, August 13

Dear diary, no I’m just kidding. Is there anyone who really starts writing into their diary like that? I never did that, not even as a teenager. Maybe I should go with something like “Dear Dick”, except that I would have to change the name or mark it as an ad or something. And I usually don’t stay in contact with dicks. I also don’t know anyone called Richard. Also, I should probably continue reading that book (I love Dick), I mean there must have been something that caused that hype, I mean besides the title, obvi. Maybe I should stick to Dear diary for now, since I can’t think of another name. Or maybe I can get my first imaginary friend to write to. So what would my imaginary friend’s name be? Pete maybe. Oh no, that won’t work. One of my friend’s name is Pete, I’d feel bad if I dumped everything my brain comes up with on him. I got a better idea, it’ll be Cat. I love cats, especially the bald ones, and Cat can also be a name. So dear Cat it is.

 

Tuesday, August 14

Dear Cat, sorry I didn’t say much yesterday, I was really busy working. It’s been only a couple of days that I’m working as an assistant in a pediatrician’s office, but it feels like I’ve been there for ages. Probably because there’s so many things to learn. Did you know that when your brain gets tired, days seem longer? That’s why as a kid, waiting for Christmas seemed like an eternity, whereas as an adult, you’re like “Wait, how come this year’s already over?” . It’s because as a kid, you get new impressions everyday, but as an adult, there’s barely something really new happening in your life. All there is is routine. And almost no one seems to have any real hobbies besides Netflix (and chill, if you’re lucky). Tbh, I still don’t understand why we have to become adults, except maybe for drinking alcohol. Hanging out on a beach doing nothing all day sounds perfect to me. Why don’t we all go and do that? Of course, economy, blabla. But we created economy, so maybe we can come up with a more fun system. One where everyone owns a yacht that provides endless amounts of champaign? I’d be in:

 

Wednesday, August 15

Today’s my day off. It feels like weekend to me, probably because things at the doctor’s office are still new and exciting, so my brain takes more time processing all that information, making two days seem like a week. I actually think that my work has made me so much more compassionate. Seeing and slightly getting to know people who have a fucked up life puts everything in a whole new perspective. And I’m getting really good with being patiient (not my strong suit), because my boss is quite particular and seems to have LOOOOOOTS of prejudices. I blame the age, but still, I’m getting some real good exercise in just saying “Hmmm.” and ignoring stuff like “People who get that many piercings must be self-destructive.”.

 

Thursday, August 16

It feels like Sunday, only because I’ve been on a two day break before working again. I’m spending the day at the pool, getting a tan. But I have a late shift today, only for 3 hours. But that’ll be quick. I’ll deal with patients who got to the office because of emergencies, it’ll be interesting.

.
.
.
In fact no. People don’t know the difference between emergency and No one gives a shit. Tonight, we had so many who came in for literally nothing. The only interesting things were a wasp bite and a guy who ran through a glass door. (No idea how you do that without realizing you’re running through a glass door, but that’s what he did. Several cuts here and there, but really lucky in general, bcause there was no bigger injury.)

 

Friday, August 17

Some more work, but just a short shift, I’m done at noon.  I make my mom take pictures of me for insta, I finally got some ney ideas for my feed. I start to feel more inspired, it’s been a while wince I haven’t felt that way. I think it’s because I’m bored. Boredom makes you creative. So yes to the boring life I have right now!

 

Saturday, August 18

It’s the weekend, that means I can drink! I self-imposed that rule  on me that I only drink on weekends. I want to get abs, so I have to pay attention to what I eat and how much I drink. But today, I can do whatever I want, yaaayyy. Side note, drinking always helps me with my writing, so I have a good reason to not stay sober. I’m listening to 90s music and writing a lot, it’s awesome! I also realize how badly I wanna work for Buzzfeed. (they think I’m 19, which is the best compliment ever.)

 

Sunday, August 19

Today has been cool, I wrote some stuff, been on insta, took a few pics and just relaxed. I also thought about my previous posts on social media and where I’d wanna go, and even though I don’t have a concrete idea, I feel like I’m finding myself little by little. When I think of how I was a few years back and then compare it to how I am now, I don’t understand why I haven’t been more assertive and more of a pita earlier. Being nice doesn’t get you anywhere. You have to be you, with all the flaws and annoying habits.

 

 

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Dating

Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

“Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?” That’s one of the many questions you can answer on OKCupid. They actually have lots of interesting, sometimes even quite philosophical questions on there and I guess that’s why I’m still signed up. And in contrast to those who just answer these questions randomly, I really like to think about them. (Otherwise, why even bother?)

I probably should get a real hobby instead of overanalyzing shit that happens on dating sites or even my own life. But what can I do, I find both pretty entertaining – even if things don’t go the way I want them to.

I’ve always been more of the jealous type. I “blame” my astrological sign (Aries) and the fact that I’m an only child for that. I put blame in quotes, because I don’t think that being jealous is completely bad. In fact, when I’m with a guy and I’m not jealous, it usually means that I don’t care about him at all. Like he could be hit by a bus like Regina George and I’d just be like *shrug*. (Not that I wish that on anyone, of course. I just kinda measure my relation to someone by imagining something terrible happening to them and how I’d feel about it.)

Being the jealous type has never brought me anywhere and it’s probably the most unnecessary feelings one can feel. No good decision ever comes from jealousy. Instead, you get smashed cars, stalkers and murderers.

Apparently, jealousy was useful in prehistoric times, when heathen hunk needed to be sure that shawty did indeed carry his baby and not the cool hipster heathen’s offspring next cave/ when shawty needed to be sure she could rely on heathen hunk to provide for the kid. Today, we have DNA tests, but unfortunately, our heathen brain has stayed the same.

Or is it just my heathen brain? Because when I talked to a couple of friends who are in open relationships and who are really easygoing people in general, they told me that they’re not jealous at all. I kinda envy them. Mostly because I don’t really believe in monogamy. Even while being in the most amazing relationship (meaning we were pretty commited and there were no unadressed issues or whatever), I started looking at other people pretty fast and thinking about how being with that other person would feel like. Besides, what do you get out of monogamy and (let’s just throw that in) marriage? Security, maybe. And some advantages in taxes and a Golden Retriever. But: After you’ve spent every fucking second of the last 20 years with just one person, who doesn’t even care about you leaving the bathroom door wide open when you take a dump – because anyway, s/he stopped seeing you as a sexual being 10 years ago – wouldn’t it be nice to have a little excitement (other than a new car)? And if you’re truly in love with someone, wouldn’t you want them to have the most fun possible?

I actually think that open relationships would be the ideal form of living together. So why not live in communes as if it was the 60s. (The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. Because even if your significant other is seeing someone else, you will exactly know what going on. And with everyone’s participating equally, there’s no need to worry.)

But I guess that’d be too easy. After all, pop culture basically just exists thanks to heart break, complicated triangle relationships, treason and cheating. Can you imagine what we’d talk about if there was no more “Becky with the good hair”?

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Just blogging

Boooooooobs!

A few weeks ago, I went to see my gyno because I’ve been thinking about having breast reduction for quite some time now. I never really liked my boobs – when I was a teenager, they were pretty small, maybe an A or a B cup. But then I started with hormonal contraception and within a year, they jumped to a D cup. With the result that now, my boobs look like they belong to a 40 yo, even though I’m nowhere close that age.  If I wanted to use the same words as a guy sexting me, my boobs are massive.

But what guys maybe meant as a compliment wasn’t nice to hear for me: It may sound silly, but I always thought about the cute clothes and bralettes I couldn’t wear and how damn difficult it is for me to find a cute bikini. Especially since most brands seem to get really lazy with sizes. Putting S,M, or L on a binkini top is NOT helpful. NOT HELPFUL AT ALL!

The only reason for me to keep my boobs was because I was working in bars and so I thought, more boobs equal more tips. (Not considering that we’d all wear ugly t-shirts, of course.) Seriously, that and not having any money were the only reasons why I kept them. Besides, I think my boobs don’t really match my body.
I actually quite often refer to myself as a chestnut puppet. When I was a kid, we would make little figures out of chestnuts. One nut for the head, one for the torso, two for the feet. All “body parts” were held together by tooth picks. And that’s basically how I look: I have stick-thin arms and legs, but at least some booty and of course, my boobs.

And since I don’t see myself becoming curvier, I had a first brest reduction consultation. Of course, I  also wanted to know if there was any chance of getting anything covered by health insurance. Spoiler, there’s not. At least not in my case, because there’s no medical necessity to get smaller boobs.

So far, so good. But after talking about the medical aspect, my gyno suddenly went on giving me her unsolicited opinion about her personal sense of esthetical perception. She basically said that if I didn’t have my boobs, there wouldn’t be much else. What a bitch. If I’d wanted a biased opinion on my boobs instead of medical advice, I would have asked the guy sexting me.
Besides, I live in Germany, Country of Nude Beaches. I know what human bodies can look like and what’s within the wide range of normal. But that’s not the point. The point is, how I want to look. And that might be very different from other people’s preferences and especially very different from the average, sausage-eating, beer-drinking German body type.

However, there’s been quite some stuff happening since that consultation. And I don’t know what exactly made me change my point of view, but now I’m thinking “Ok, big boobs are not too bad, even if they’re saggy af.” I think it’s thanks to the Kardashians. they all have a lot of everything. So thank you Kim, Kourtney, Khloé and Kylie. Your boobs and butts have helped me to accept my Susan Sarandon (sorry Susan!).

And for now, my boobs will probably stay and keep on bouncing.

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Lifestyle

Are you spontaneous?

I’m sure many of you have heard that question. Are you spontaneous?

Normally, that’s a question everyone would love to answer with a big YES!, capital letters, exclamation point. I mean why wouldn’t you? Being spontaneous rhymes with being easygoing, adventurous, fun and exciting. It probably also rhymes with being really good in bed. Girls who are down to improvise a camping trip to some place where only the stars are watching you. So who wouldn’t want to be spontaneous?

I told you that I do the whole online dating thing. (Spoiler alert, it’s the worst idea ever, but at least, it gives me something to write about.) And so guys asking me about how spontaneous I am is probably one of the most frequently asked questions. And it sounds like a normal question, right? Well, that’s what I naively thought too, until I realized that the typical time frame for that question was around midnight. Aka thirsty dudes looking for booty calls, not putting in any effort.

And so it made me wonder: What does being spontaneous even mean? I mean of course I’m not going to go out of my way and meet some random guy in the middle of the night, not even if I actually have nothing better to do. But still, I strongly believe that there are acceptable times for a first date and that a first date should never begin at midnight, period. Besides, there’s Netflix. So the entertainment that awaits me instead should be pretty awesome, but what are the chances? I largely prefer spending an hour or even two meeting someone in the early evening and then forget all about it while I drink tons of white wine and rewatch Sex and the City for the umpteenth time than having my entire night ripped away. Of course, there’s nothing that should prevent anyone to meet up with the crush of their life at no matter what time of the day or night. But what are the chances? In my experience, it’s mostly the thirsty dudes that want you to come over in the middle of the night – like a prostitute who doesn’t take money. Or at the very best, a girl who doesn’t have a life but waits for some dude to make her day/night.

So my answer to the spontaneity question? Mostly yes and no. I love to be spontaneous when I’m already with a person, meaning when I have already scheduled some time for them. But I would never abandon my plans just to meet up with someone who sends me a lazy message. Not even if my only plan for the night is to Keep Up With The Kardashians. That’s why I usually answer the spontaneity question with ‘No, I’m a stuck up bitch.’

 

PS: Google suggests fun stuff for spontaneity. Apparently, people who are spontaneous love the outdoors and have a healthy heart.

 

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Mental Health

Ana and Mia

This is probably the hardest post to write. Not only because it’s super personal and kinda heavy, but also because it’s much easier to write about stuff that’s in the past and that doesn’t still affect me. And yet, I wanted to write about this for such a long time, now. Partly because I think that it’ll create a new incentive for me to get better, partly because I think there’s still a stigma around eating disorders and mental health which prevents people to talk about it. In case you didn’t guess it from the title, this post is about my struggle with anorexia and bulimia.

I don’t really know where to begin and this will probably be the most unstructured post you’ve ever seen. I also don’t have any special advice, since I’m still trying to figure things out for myself. (And also, have you ever met someone who actually follows their own advice?)

So why am I posting this now?
To be completely honest, I’m writing this today because I just had an episode. And after 14 years of having eating disorders, it’s just annoying to be some tragic figure who doesn’t find a way out of her dilemma. It’s pathetic. And I feel weak and disgustung.

(If you’re reading this because you’re affected, please don’t take this or anything I’m going to say as a judgement on your condition. I’m just talking about my personal feelings, I’m not judging anyone.)

A psychologist once told me I should consider my eating disorder a disease. Well, I have difficulties doing that, since I feel like it’s in my control to give in or not and that I should be better than that. Except that I’m not. So I have no idea what to do with that information. Besides, it’s been such a long time that I’m dealing with that issue, it’s been more than 14 years.

I remember that when I was 7yo, I already wasn’t happy the way I looked. When I compared myself to my classmates, I found them much prettier. They weren’t as freakishly tall as I was. They also seemed to be more athletic and have nicer features in general. (Btw, this all was way before social media.) I never was the athletic type and since I scrutinized my body in the mirror every night, I noticed that I had ceelulite at a very early age. Sounds unreal, right? However, the dimples I discovered in my butt cheeks back then are still there. After that, my New Year’s Resolution would be to loose weight. However, I never succeeded. I mean, I was a kid and didn’t know shit about nutrition or dieting. And even though I’ve always been physically active, I never got ripped. Instead, I got some very unpleasant memories from when I tried out athletic sports and failed tremendously.

But then, right before my 15th birthday, my family and I made a trip to Italy. I remember flipping through a magazine and reading about this new trend called ‘Homeless Chic’. And apparently Mary-Kate Olsen incorporated it the best way possible. On the drive to Italy, I was reading a fashion magazine and still remember the exact picture, it was Gemma Ward wearing a ripped pullover from Dior. Next to her, Mariacarla Boscono in a similar outift. That day, I decided (!) that after the trip to Italy and all the pasta and pizza, I’d be anorexic.

Now people who say it was the magazine fault, stfu. In fact, do you remember that scene in SATC where Charlotte says that she can’t look at a magazine cover without thinking about her thighs? I absolutely hated it. Of course, the way how we see beauty is influenced by fashion mags and now, social media, but if a photo has that much power over you, there are probably some deeper issues.

In my case, it was the fact that I never felt beautiful or even appreciated. My father told me that he disliked the way I looked and also never took any interest in me, at least not as his child. He also let me know that he thought of me as lazy when I didn’t wanna do my homework or when I came home with a grade that was not brilliant. As for my mom, I could feel her disappointment when it became clear that I’d never be an athlete, nor good at science, especially maths. (She used to excel in both.) And her trying make me become better actually felt more like harrassment than encouragement. In addition to that, my family never had a normal way around eating and I can’t think of a single meal that wasn’t stressful in a way or another. According to what my mom has told me, I had a phase where I refused to eat when I was 3yo and since then, everyone in my family made sure that I ate enough, to the point that I was forced to empty my plate. And if all that wasn’t enough, let’s throw in the snide remarks my parents would make about my friend’s looks, some bullying at school, and a predisposition for depression that seems to run in my family.

I kept the promise I’d made to myself. When I turned 15, I weighed around 53kg (117lbs) for 1,79m (5’11”). A few months later, I went down to 46kg (101lbs), then 43kg (95lbs). One day, at a doctor’s appointment, my doctor pointed out that my state of health was pretty critical. That was when I was 16. The word she used was pathological. Yet, I never went to see a professional. I only had to go to a clinic where they did a couple of blood tests and then told me that my liver values were shit. But that was pretty much it. I never had anyone help me with a recovery plan or anything.

However, after this, I put on weight pretty quickly. I kinda happened automatically after I heard that my father was worried. This detail really annoys me up to this day. Daddy issues defining my life. Classic. And again, pathetic.

When I turned 17, my weight was up to 63kg (139lbs). Side note, the highest my weight had been before was 59kg (130lbs). And that was at a time when my mom let me know that my ass was getting huge and that a classmate said about me that he’d only consider dating me if I’d loose like 20kg (44lbs). In other words, I hated how I looked in that year. My face was puffy, everything felt huge, I didn’t feel like myself at all. So I slowly started loosing weight again, but still wasn’t happy with how I looked. Besides, shopping for jeans was a nightmare that time, my waist size being 30.

And then, I moved to Paris.

Didn’t know anyone there and later went through two rather difficult relationships. It didn’t take long until I was down to 46kg again. My mom came to see me and started to cry, which I found pretty annoying. I don’t know what made me gain weight after that, but slowly, I did and have maintained a weight of 57kg (125lbs), even though not always in a healthy way.

I still haven’t established a normal attitude towards eating yet, and probably never will, at least not completely. I’ve been in therapy a couple of times, not sure if it really helped. However, the number of bulimic episodes has decreased from 5 times a day to around twice a month. That’s at least something. My major motivation right now are my teeth. I know, it sounds sad, but I kinda stopped caring about other people’s feelings and opinions on what I should and shouldn’t do. (Probably because my parents did a great job at ignoring what was going on and especially after I had a friend tell me that the way I looked made her feel uncomfortable.) So yes, it’s about my teeth. Because even though they’re already paperthin, I would like to keep them until after I turn 50.

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Just blogging

Finding my talent

When I got fired earlier this year, it felt like a relief at first. I wasn’t happy in my job and didn’t feel like I was using my potential. But when I started sending out application letters again, I noticed that I don’t really have any selling points. Sure, I’ve worked for two big companies, one might even say prestigious and sure, I’ve spent time abroad. But in general, I think that my CV is rather mediocre. I’ve had sooo many different jobs that had nothing to do with my studies or where I wanted to go in life. And even though some of them were great experiences, I don’t think that they necessarily make my CV look better. Which btw is a stupid way to put it, because there’s probably always something you can learn. What I mean is, my CV just isn’t as impressive as I’d like it to be.

Besides, I totally underestimated the psychological impact that getting laid off would have on me. That short moment of relief was soon replaced by feeling rather depressed and worthless. The reason behind is that I have absolutely no idea what my strengths and talents are. And so far, I haven’t found anything I truly excel in. That’s why I bought one of the books “For Dummies” that’s supposed to help me with finding and developing my strengths. (Besides, I’ve read that in order to be successful, 10% of your money should go into learning stuff and developing skills. So I thought that book would be a good start.)

Unfortunately though, I started reading the book at a time where I was a little unstable and quite moody and sensitive. That was definitely a mistake. Because the first chapter of the book concentrates on assessing your personality and there are a bunch of tests that you can take. It’s a good concept, but again, I was far from being positive and optimistic that time and took every question in the worst way possible. No surprise that the results led me to believe I’m a garbage person with no social skills or any sort of capabilities.

I stopped reading there. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I’m even a little afraid to pick the book up again just because I don’t wanna go back to feeling awful all the time. But then of course, the book isn’t the reason if I feel shitty about myself. (Which is why counselling is definitely back on the table, btw.) Anyway, I’m still trying to figure out what I wanna do next. I even do have a few ideas, I just need to learn how to make them reality. Maybe I’ll try finding a mentor or something.

In the meanwhile, I’m working on my insta game, so maybe someday I can turn that into something. And it might sound cliché, but I’m still amazed by how much positivity there is on instagram and there are days where a good or funny comment puts me in a better mood.

As for my talents, I think I’m great at faking interest, procrastinating, taking naps, getting distracted and looking at baby animals. I think that should do to get me a stellar career.

 

Update:

Writing this blog post actually helped me focusing on things I am good at, even if it’s just small stuff. For example, I realized that I became really good at giving constructive criticism. (There’s a new trainer at my EMS class and he doesn’t really know what he’s doing yet, which was really annoying tbh. But instead of being a bitch about it I gave a constructive feedback with lots of me-messages and hope that he’ll do better next time – with a different client, not me.)

I’m also polite af (when I want to) and a great conversationalist. At least for a few minutes, before it turns out that the person I’m talking to is a total bore.

I’m also interested in lots of things, I’m getting more and more into non-fiction and podcasts. (My favorite podcast is Criminal, btw.) So even if this one’s kind of a mixed blessing, because I don’t have any specialty, it helps a lot with being a great conversationalist, knowing the history behind the 420 code or at least make creepy comments.

I’m also great at finding the right gif for any situation. My former colleagues would confirm.

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Just blogging, Society

Fuck feminism

Who else loves to start drunk debates about principles and personal views on stuff like politics and society? Well, I kinda do. Or at least I seem to have a talent for getting myself into heated discussions quite often. Last night’s debate was about feminism.

(Omg, I just googled “drunk debates and guess what, there are A TON of groups and websites that pop up. And this epic quote from the Westside Comedy Theater “Nothing proves your point like throwing up in your mouth.”)

It all started because I was saying that I need my sleep and then added that sleep deprivation affects women differently than men. Besides, women also need more sleep than men. Nothing of that is new, the web is full of articles about it and there are several studies as well. Nevertheless, as soon as I’d made that statement, two girls immediately started accusing me of being sexist. Their point was that women are not different to men. Yeah, sure.

I have no idea how some people came to the conclusion that gender equality means denying biological differences. In my opinion, there are three categories that need to be considered when discussing feminism: biology, seduction and politics/society. To give some examples, with biology I mean that different organisms have different ways of functioning. That’s why stroke symptoms in women are not the same as in men. That’s why women have to pee more often (and unfortunately take more time to use a restroom). Ignoring these things or saying that they’re made up is not feminist at all. On the contrary, it hurts women. Like literally, they could die. (But even the waiting lines at public restrooms are a pain I wish I didn’t have to deal with.)

As for my second category, seduction, I just don’t get why some women get offended when a man opens a door for them. Seriously, get your head out of your ass, it’s a nice gesture. I think the same is true when men invite women for dinner. Or when women dress up and want to look extra beautiful for someone they like. Nothing of that has to do with forgetting about equal rights and stuff, it’s just a game called seduction. (If anyone’s confused right now, catcalling has nothing to do with seduction.)

And then the third category, politics and society. Well, I guess it’s pretty obvious that this is the most important category. Just throwing some keywords in, like abortion rights, pay gap, yadda, yadda, yadda, you get it.

And just to be clear, I definitely am a feminist. And yes, the headline to this post is very clickbaitey. But I just hate this pseudo-feminism that’s based on hearsay and superficial knowledge. (I once had a conversation with my roommates – all female. They seriously thought that changing a light bulb or using a drilling machine would sum up what feminism is about. What the hell???)

Also, I don’t know how often I’ve already referred to my favorite podcast, but listening to Stuff Mom Never Told You is just mind-blowing, highly informative and will probably teach anyone a thing or two. I just wish everyone would love it as much as I do. But of course, you’re already well-informed, you smart reader ya!

 

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