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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #6

Vampires and gossip

It’s been a moment since my last blogpost and although there’s definitely no a lack of inspiration, I didn’t have the courage to write. Somehow, I’ve been in a funk lately. Therefore, I decided to forego writing about the topics I first had in my mind and do a weekly diary instead – which I haven’t done in a while. So yay to another post dedicated to hiding under blankets, trying to make sense of how I feel! 😀

Seriously, the free trial month of 2019 is almost over and I feel more like Bridget Jones than this better version of myself I imagined becoming. Though on paper, I actually have nothing to complain about. I got a new job at a company I’m really excited about (I will start on Friday), I did work out more than I usually do and I even started budgeting, which makes me feel really adult and almost as if I knew how life works. Especially since now I have a budget for wine. I also made new friends and now that it’s been three months that I live in Cologne, I’m starting to get to know Cologne a little better (though there’s still a ton of things and places to explore). And yet, I feel like something is missing. It feels like if I wasn’t really invested in my life, like it wasn’t even mine. And it probably sounds super weird, but right now, I feel more like a ghost wandering around among all these warm, human beings filled with purpose, love and passion, and I’m just this cold shell that somehow got trapped in between, watching time go by and others change while I stay exactly the same.

Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why I’m obsessed with vampires and Halloween. Halloween is the day of the year where truly feel like myself, as a living dead person. Isn’t that weird?
That obsession goes back to when I was around 7 years old. Halloween wasn’t a thing in Germany yet, especially not in the east, but I always dressed up as a vampire on Mardi Gras. And funnily, if I remember it correctly, that was also the time where the first signs of what would later become an eating disorder started to manifest themselves.
Wow, 10 minutes into writing and I’ve already covered more than I ever did in therapy. I guess this is a position I can cut from my budget then.

Besides my 3-week-funk (3 really is a magic number in my posts), the job offer and exercising, I’ve been learning Portuguese, making a list of ideas for a podcast, taking pictures, same old, same old. I’m also trying to shift my focus from speaking English all the time to speaking French. And that’s why I’m rewatching all my favorite series again, but this time in French. If you’re ever in need of an excuse to binge watch, you’re welcome. Just say you watch it in VO or with subtitles. I’m still practicing my English by watching The Bachelor and reading every effing post written about it. In that context, I just discovered Betches, probably the awesomest site ever created. And while browsing through all the categories, I also noticed they have a podcast! No, even several podcasts!! My favorite episode so far is the one on Betch Slapped where they talk to @entylawyer, who’s spilling tea about celebrities. It’s definitely the best thing I’ve heard this month. (Though listening to stories about all the celebrity feuds also made me feel like a peasant, just because I don’t have any hidden agenda when I interact with people. But this episode is giving me life! Which is a good thing for my vegetarian vampire self.)

And that already sums up my week, ahem, month. I’ll try being more interesting next time.

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #2

Posessed kids and creepy dreams..

Monday, August 20

Shit, shit shit, I can’t believe I overslept! It’s 9:30am, I should’ve been at work over an hour ago! I have to stop turning off my alarm in my sleep. But then I also should stop calling vodka my best friend, because that’s the real reason I overslept.
Fortunately, it wasn’t a big deal, fortunately. Everyone was happy I showed up after all.

Tuesday, August 21 

Dear Cat,

today was a normal workday. I fortunately arrived on time this morning (I was really freaking out about switching off my alarm again). But it’s not even been really busy. So I’m starting to learn how to do the medical screenings, which means that I’m basically just sheepishly standing around while others do their job. Btw, this job has helped me so much with not being afraid of awkwardness. Most of the time, I actually just or sit somewhere, not doing anything useful (because I’m still new at this, of course). And it doesn’t even bother me. I hope this not-bothering-me will help me a lot when I become a journalist.
So today, we did a screening of a 4yo kid. One part of the screening is having them draw stuff, in this case a human being. Then we count how many body parts the kid has drawn and evaluate its intelligence based on that. (Imo, that’s total bs. Most of the kids are just annoyed by having to spend time at the doctor’s. Of course they’re not going to draw anything – they wanna get out of there!) The kid we saw today drew a perfect Tim Burton figure. It looked super strange and almost as if she was possessed. In fact, instead of a human, she drew a little demon there. I absolutely loved it! And even though she didn’t draw feet or a neck, she passed the test. I think she should go to art school.

Wednesday, August 22

Dear Cat,

tonight, I had the weirdest dream. It was finally one of my consecutive dreams, which I always find very entertaining. They’re like mini-series of (sometimes creepy) nonsense. So tonight, was the third episode of a dream where I’m in the main building of my university, but it looks much more mysterious and more like a castle than irl. (Even the real one is quite castle-y.) And so I found this floor which is actually a cul-de-sac, but it has a women’s restroom (which isn’t labelled as such tho). With me are the Kardashians, at least Kim, Kourtney and Khloé, and Kourtney has her daughter Penelope with her. While we’re in the castle, there’s a huge medieval fight going on. It’s like a slaughterhouse in there and so obviously, we try to get out of there without being seen. Also with us is a character that looks like The Hound from GoT. He’s wearing the same kind of armour and is probably twice my height. In addition to his sword, he also uses a huge iron belt to smash people’s heads.
So we make our way through the castle, but when we get to the cul-de-sac, Kourtney suddenly stops because Penelope has to pee. So Kourtney and her wanna stop to use the “secret” ladie’s room. And I’m thinking something like: “Well then they might get trapped and if we continue our path, we probably won’t be able to help them.” But since I’m (subtle brag right here) ALWAYS lucid dreaming, my conscious me is telling me “No, we can deal with a being-trapped-situation later. Let’s see what happens next, first.” And so my dream-me is like “OK, go ahead, you’ll catch up with us.”, then turns around to The Hound and we’re leaving, still trying to get out of the castle as fast as possible. We make it to the gardens. And Kourtney and Penelope even manage to meet us there. However, they didn’t notice that they were followed and soon, we have an entire army of scary folks around us. Of course, The Hound is trying to protect us, but someone of the evil army grabs his iron belt from him, using it to tie him against a fence. And since I was trying to hide behind The Hound, I indirectly get tied to the fence as well, unable to move.
Again, it’s a war situation.  So the scary dude uses the situation to smack The Hound’s  head, over and over again. Blood is everywhere, quite a lot dropping on me as well. The Hound finnally breaks down and I’m thinking “OK, now it’s probably my turn to die.”. But then the scary dude abruptly stops and tells me I’m free to go, because his folks treat women right.
End of dream.

I wake up the second it was over. It was only the second dream I had in my entire entire life, where someone actually died in front of me. (I had only one other where the feeling of being helpless was stressed that much. That other dream was of a terrorist bus kidnap where I was on the bus as well. The terrorists would then scalp otheres alive.)

Yeah, most of my dreams are pretty dark. Maybe part of the reason is that I used to live next to a graveyard when I was a kid. We were so close, I could hear the sound of the bone mill.

Thursday, August 23

Dear Cat,

today, I took this quiz on Buzzfeed that told me if I’m gonna get rich based on which eye shadow palette I choose. I love money and I love eye shadow, that quiz was made for me! In my first round, my result was “You’re going to be filthy rich”. (I hope that’s true!) This was the result when I clicked on the palettes that mostly included nude tones. I then took the quiz again, this time choosing more colorful palettes. And my new result was “You have zero dollars”. Which is accurate bc I live in the EU, but I still prefer “filthy rich. So obviously, it’s the colors that make you be successful or not. I mean think of Kim Kardashian and the eye shadow she’s wearing. Have you ever seen her wearing any flashy colors (except maybe blue)? Exactly, you haven’t. Kim chooses nude colors. So the  lesson I learned from this: Nudes will boost your career!

Friday, August 24

Dear Cat,

today has been a normal work day, nothing special. Tonight, we had an open house, but it was really quick. I’m just hanging out since, watching Bachelor in Paradise. Is it normal that I’m that obsessed with this show? I got beyond excited when I saw who’s going to be in Paradise this year, it’s crazy. And I’d actually love to be friends with some of them. I’m a huuuge fan of Jordan, I think he’s extremely funny. And I’d love to meet Benoît who seems super sweet. I think I’d really get along with Ashley I. and Corinne – of course! –  who were in the former seasons. (And I’d totally date Thomas from the Bachelorette Canada where Jasmine was the Bachelorette. Still don’t understand why she let him go.)

Saturday, August 25

Dear Cat,

today was shit. I didn’t follow the at-least-2-real-meals-plan my therapist gave me. I made it a 0-real-meal-plan instead. The problem probably was that I didn’t work out. When I work out, my mood is so much better. But right now, all I wanna do is write and feel this gigantic pit inside of me, like if all of my organs were squished together, leaving nothing but a paper thin surface. Also, why can’t humans function like plants? I wouldn’t have any of this trouble if our existence was build on sunlight and water.

I’ll still use this day and do something useful. So I asked a friend if he’d agree to take some photos and he said yes. So in order to find a good location, I had a great walk through the city. There are so many cool places, I’m pretty excited! Plus, I saw a few items I really loved at H&M (seriously, they should sponsor me! I usually wear nothing but H&M). So I think the shoot will be pretty great and I’m really looking forward to it.

I also discovered a new series, or should I say documentary? It’s pretty cool. In case you wanna check it out, it’s called Hollywood Love Story.

Sunday, August, 26

Today is weird. I feel totally empty (haha guess why *eyeroll*), but not only physically, but also emotionally. My brain feels like mush, it seems like I’m not even able to have a single normal thought. Which is kinda nice, it’s like instead of noise, there’s a moment of silence. Maybe that’s why I’m mia, bc it always has that effect on me – a moment of total silence in my head. It feels like I’m floating in an eternal cloud of nothingness. And even though I’m no use for anything today, thinking and feeling absolutely nothing feels kinda good.

Later today: Watching some more Hollywood Love Story. Damn, this is addictive! And kinda saddening. I know I’m sounding super cheesy right now, but everyone who’s interviewed in this documentary seems almost innocent. And then you see them confronted with all the struggles they have to face while trying to make it in the entertainment industry. Some of them are (former) sex workers and I’m super impressed by their attitudes. That reminds me of a tweet I saw earlier this month. It was about the ban on certain sex acts in British porn. Btw, they banned female ejaculation. Like wtf Britain???? Anyway, it was the smartest 280 characters ever, I should it saved it somehow. Anyway, I’ve read so many blogposts and articles, listened to podcasts all published by sex workers and every time, I just think they’re the smartest people with incredible emotional intelligence.

Somehow, I’m just thinking of one of my teachers. He was my English teacher and a pretty cool guy, one of my favorite teachers. Though, he was the type of person you either love or hate. A few of my classmate’s parents were teachers as well, at the same school, and so there were a few rumors about all the teacher’s private life. If you can trust the rumors, my favorite English teacher was a part time photographer and loved to take nudes. I remember that everyone was at least a little outraged by that, but I never got why. So he likes to shoot nudes, so what?? Especially because he was never, never inappropiate in any way at school (I also think that he must’ve been fun to work with). Let people be freaks, dammit!

 

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Just blogging

Frustration

Sometimes, I wonder what I should and shouldn’t post. Everything I publish here can be read by anyone. But since it’s sort of an online diary (I don’t care how corny that sounds) which I’m mostly writing for myself, I don’t feel like sticking to my schedule and write the post I’ve been wanting to write in the first place. However, it’ll be here in a couple of days.

So instead of talking about what I originally intended to, this will be a tad more personal (though not about my sex life, if that’s what you gathered from the title). However, I will talk about creative frustration. There may be another article which will be about feeling frustrated in my job or whatever I’m doing at the moment, but that’s not it. Today, I’m going to write about my very own writer’s block/ lack of creativity.

If you expect any tips on how to overcome writer’s block, please go look it up somewhere else – if I knew how to get out of it, I wouldn’t write silly posts like this.

But, for starters, what’s been up? Actually, this last week went rather well. I got a callback from a company I applied to and they offered me a job. I read many inspiring blogposts and was well-organized with my studies. Actually, nothing to complain about. And still, I have this constant feeling of underachieving, no matter what I do. Maybe that’s a millennial thing. And yes, it probably sounds very silly and basic, but I think that the trigger was on Instagram. I noticed that one of the accounts I’m following has grown tremendously. Like ten times bigger in only a couple of weeks. And here I am with my tiny account – its numbers have been pretty much the same for years. And so of course I’m wondering what I’m doing wrong. Am I not interacting enough, even though I spend hours liking other people’s pics and blogposts? Or isn’t my content good enough? (Well maybe some of it isn’t exactly la crème de la crème, but I don’t find it horrible, either.) In addition to that, it doesn’t help that new followers are rather lunatic. It honestly baffles me that I can gain and lose a bunch of new followers in  nothing more than a couple of minutes. I mean, if your likes are nothing but strategic, why bother anyway? Personally, I find it dumb to unfollow an account that has fantastic content just to keep my numbers in check. If I was in the mood for charades, I’d plan a game night instead of wasting my time on insta, or I’d watch the movie with Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes, I don’t get why I’m making any effort at all. It’s hard, especially if there’s no immediate gratification. On the other hand, maybe that’s what you have to go through before getting to the real deal. Maybe I’ll have more insight in a couple of months. However, I’ll keep you posted.

In the meanwhile, I’m guest-writing for another blog. Check it out right here.

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