Just blogging

To new chapters in life

Congratulations to me – I started a new job on Friday! Thanks to my addiction to social media, I was lucky enough to get recruited by an amazing company I can’t wait to work for. I don’t want to give away too many details, because you know, privacy and stuff (as if Goolge hadn’t already sold this information, I mean I got there with the help of Maps). But let me tell you, it’s big. It’s prestigious. It’s everything I’ve always wanted. And it’s scaring the crap out of me.

The last time I had a job I put high hopes into didn’t go so well. That was a year ago. And it just went horribly. I even wrote a short post about it, but since I was in the middle of a legal dispute with that company which shall not be named, I of course didn’t reveal to much information. I don’t have to explain that a lawsuit is the shittiest way to end any sort of relationship, even if it’s just professional. So having to go through this sort of experience definitely has an impact. There are definitely some positive aspects to it. First of all, there was a settlement agreement which was in my favor, But I also learned so much about our legal system and my rights. I was also reassured that being a pain in the ass sometimes really pays off, quite literally. But most of all, I learned to pay attention to contracts and fine print. And all in all, I did come out stronger of this experience. I would even say it was such an important lesson that I’m actually grateful for. How many people my age can say they have already sued someone, not to mention a company? That alone is weirdly empowering.

However, it was also a somewhat traumatizing experience. And yes, this may sound very much like first world problems, but with every new job I take, my mind also goes back to that time. And depending on the job, it gives me more or less anxiety.

Right now, my anxietey level on a scale from 1 to 10 is very much like a million. And I get constant flashbacks from this last shitty work experience.
Right now, my fear is not being up to the task. Right now, I feel like everyone puts all their hopes in me, even though I have no idea how to tackle the projects I’m already assigned to. Of course, there are people to help me, people I can ask. But that didn’t prevent a major impostor syndrome from kicking in. After just one day.

So the question I’m asking myself now is: “What could actually stop me from being successful at that job?” And my answer so far is: “Nothing, you just have to get your shit together.”

I mean on a rational level, what could go wrong? That I don’t know what people are expecting? That I won’t know if I’m doing a good job or not? Both are highly doubtable, since my company attachs great importance to giving feedback. (Something that hasn’t been the case with the company I had to sue.) Also, even though I’m the first person in my position, I’m not the first one to do all the work. I don’t have to figure stuff out by myself, There’s always someone I can ask. Also, I was not hired because of the number of followers I have on Insta, but because of my skills. And though the word “skills” kinda seems weird to me – it sounds so meaningful, but it’s nothing more than a summary of my experience – it’s definitely a better reference value than any number on social media.

So I guess I really just have to get over myself and stop second guessing. But putting in the hard work instead. (Which I’m more than willing to do, the company is just awesome!) So despite all anxiety and unnecessary stress fabricated by my brain:
Cheers to me!

Just blogging, Lifestyle

Moving and commuting

Lost time is never found again.

Benjamin Franklin

This week has been exhausting. Since I moved to Cologne, I roughly spend 3 hours of my day commuting. One reason is that my university and my friends are in Bonn, a town which is quite nearby, but if you don’t have a car (or a license) not exactly around the corner. Another is that my current workplaces are in Bonn as well. Since you probably don’t know the story: This summer, I started looking for a new place in Bonn, for personal reasons. I was rather optimistic and thought that one or two months should largely suffice to find a place, but it turned out to be more complicated than that. Tbh, the housing situation in Bonn is just crazy and people are clearly taking advantage of it. The amount of crappy shithole apartments people try to rent to you is insane. And so after I’ve annoyed everyone in my circle with my rants about how shitty the situation is, I realized, that I shouldn’t just concentrate on the area close by, but also consider other places. Besides, I haven’t exactly felt at home since I came back to Bonn – it’s quite provinical and I’ve always preferred cities to small towns. And even though Cologne is not exactly a metropolis either, it’s at least Germany’s fourth largest city. But more importantly, there’s stuff happening here! On my first weekend, I’ve already done more interesting stuff than I would have done in two months in Bonn. I went to series of talks, met up with a stranger, went to the Christmas market, checked out some art. I feel like Cologne is a city where I could actually see myself staying for more than just a couple of months. (To give you an idea, within the last ten years, I’ve moved exactly 10 times.) Besides, my new roommates are pretty dope. In short, I’m quite happy here. But of course, it would be too easy if that was all. 

So at the same time I was looking for apartments, I also had to get a new job. (The one I had before was on a fixed-term contract.) I was lucky. Instead of just one, I got two part time jobs, which I’m both currently doing. The only inconvenience is that not only they’re both in two different places, but also both in Bonn, which brings be back to the beginning of this post. In addition to that, I’m house- and catsitting at the moment, for a lady who has cancer. This one is in Cologne, but at the other end of the city.

Therefore, I’m constantly traveling back and forth from one of the apartments to one of the workplaces and also in between. And as you can imagine, it’s very time-consuming and also very exhausting. And especially this week, it’s gotten to a point where I felt that people would just randomly claim my time, without considering what a change of schedule could mean for me, how much planning ahead, and how much time lost it would be in the end. But fact is, it’s been three weeks it’s been like that. And since most of it is related to work, it makes me feel like I’m a slave to others, without a having a say on how I to use my time. Instead of being able to plan and take time for things that are important to me, I’m now always in reaction mode. It’s just exhausting and innecessarily time-consuming. And I can actually feel how it takes away from my quality of sleep and my general well-being. 

Now I know that my complaining comes from a place of privilege. I mean, at least I do have a job and a place to live, right? But the thing that really annoys me is that I’m not using all my capacities the right way and that I’m not reaching my full potential. I could and want to do so much more. And being in this situation where there’s basically no time for myself left just sucks. The only comfort right now is that everything about my current situation – or let’s say my jobs – is just temporary. I guess in the meanwhile, all I can do is to pack good books.