Tag Archives: work

Just blogging

To new chapters in life

Congratulations to me – I started a new job on Friday! Thanks to my addiction to social media, I was lucky enough to get recruited by an amazing company I can’t wait to work for. I don’t want to give away too many details, because you know, privacy and stuff (as if Goolge hadn’t already sold this information, I mean I got there with the help of Maps). But let me tell you, it’s big. It’s prestigious. It’s everything I’ve always wanted. And it’s scaring the crap out of me.

The last time I had a job I put high hopes into didn’t go so well. That was a year ago. And it just went horribly. I even wrote a short post about it, but since I was in the middle of a legal dispute with that company which shall not be named, I of course didn’t reveal to much information. I don’t have to explain that a lawsuit is the shittiest way to end any sort of relationship, even if it’s just professional. So having to go through this sort of experience definitely has an impact. There are definitely some positive aspects to it. First of all, there was a settlement agreement which was in my favor, But I also learned so much about our legal system and my rights. I was also reassured that being a pain in the ass sometimes really pays off, quite literally. But most of all, I learned to pay attention to contracts and fine print. And all in all, I did come out stronger of this experience. I would even say it was such an important lesson that I’m actually grateful for. How many people my age can say they have already sued someone, not to mention a company? That alone is weirdly empowering.

However, it was also a somewhat traumatizing experience. And yes, this may sound very much like first world problems, but with every new job I take, my mind also goes back to that time. And depending on the job, it gives me more or less anxiety.

Right now, my anxietey level on a scale from 1 to 10 is very much like a million. And I get constant flashbacks from this last shitty work experience.
Right now, my fear is not being up to the task. Right now, I feel like everyone puts all their hopes in me, even though I have no idea how to tackle the projects I’m already assigned to. Of course, there are people to help me, people I can ask. But that didn’t prevent a major impostor syndrome from kicking in. After just one day.

So the question I’m asking myself now is: “What could actually stop me from being successful at that job?” And my answer so far is: “Nothing, you just have to get your shit together.”

I mean on a rational level, what could go wrong? That I don’t know what people are expecting? That I won’t know if I’m doing a good job or not? Both are highly doubtable, since my company attachs great importance to giving feedback. (Something that hasn’t been the case with the company I had to sue.) Also, even though I’m the first person in my position, I’m not the first one to do all the work. I don’t have to figure stuff out by myself, There’s always someone I can ask. Also, I was not hired because of the number of followers I have on Insta, but because of my skills. And though the word “skills” kinda seems weird to me – it sounds so meaningful, but it’s nothing more than a summary of my experience – it’s definitely a better reference value than any number on social media.

So I guess I really just have to get over myself and stop second guessing. But putting in the hard work instead. (Which I’m more than willing to do, the company is just awesome!) So despite all anxiety and unnecessary stress fabricated by my brain:
Cheers to me!

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Just blogging, Lifestyle

Moving and commuting

Lost time is never found again.

Benjamin Franklin

This week has been exhausting. Since I moved to Cologne, I roughly spend 3 hours of my day commuting. One reason is that my university and my friends are in Bonn, a town which is quite nearby, but if you don’t have a car (or a license) not exactly around the corner. Another is that my current workplaces are in Bonn as well. Since you probably don’t know the story: This summer, I started looking for a new place in Bonn, for personal reasons. I was rather optimistic and thought that one or two months should largely suffice to find a place, but it turned out to be more complicated than that. Tbh, the housing situation in Bonn is just crazy and people are clearly taking advantage of it. The amount of crappy shithole apartments people try to rent to you is insane. And so after I’ve annoyed everyone in my circle with my rants about how shitty the situation is, I realized, that I shouldn’t just concentrate on the area close by, but also consider other places. Besides, I haven’t exactly felt at home since I came back to Bonn – it’s quite provinical and I’ve always preferred cities to small towns. And even though Cologne is not exactly a metropolis either, it’s at least Germany’s fourth largest city. But more importantly, there’s stuff happening here! On my first weekend, I’ve already done more interesting stuff than I would have done in two months in Bonn. I went to series of talks, met up with a stranger, went to the Christmas market, checked out some art. I feel like Cologne is a city where I could actually see myself staying for more than just a couple of months. (To give you an idea, within the last ten years, I’ve moved exactly 10 times.) Besides, my new roommates are pretty dope. In short, I’m quite happy here. But of course, it would be too easy if that was all. 

So at the same time I was looking for apartments, I also had to get a new job. (The one I had before was on a fixed-term contract.) I was lucky. Instead of just one, I got two part time jobs, which I’m both currently doing. The only inconvenience is that not only they’re both in two different places, but also both in Bonn, which brings be back to the beginning of this post. In addition to that, I’m house- and catsitting at the moment, for a lady who has cancer. This one is in Cologne, but at the other end of the city.

Therefore, I’m constantly traveling back and forth from one of the apartments to one of the workplaces and also in between. And as you can imagine, it’s very time-consuming and also very exhausting. And especially this week, it’s gotten to a point where I felt that people would just randomly claim my time, without considering what a change of schedule could mean for me, how much planning ahead, and how much time lost it would be in the end. But fact is, it’s been three weeks it’s been like that. And since most of it is related to work, it makes me feel like I’m a slave to others, without a having a say on how I to use my time. Instead of being able to plan and take time for things that are important to me, I’m now always in reaction mode. It’s just exhausting and innecessarily time-consuming. And I can actually feel how it takes away from my quality of sleep and my general well-being. 

Now I know that my complaining comes from a place of privilege. I mean, at least I do have a job and a place to live, right? But the thing that really annoys me is that I’m not using all my capacities the right way and that I’m not reaching my full potential. I could and want to do so much more. And being in this situation where there’s basically no time for myself left just sucks. The only comfort right now is that everything about my current situation – or let’s say my jobs – is just temporary. I guess in the meanwhile, all I can do is to pack good books. 

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Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #3

I can’t believe this week is already over. What happened? It was Sunday just a minute ago, how can it be Sunday again? I actually have to think really hard to remember how I spent every single day, I didn’t exactly write down anything (even though that was something I wanted to do more often.

Monday, August 27

My week is starting slowly. Besides work, there wasn’t much going on. But damn, work was fun! We had the hottest dad walk in today. To give you an idea, he looked like Thor. I’m not even kidding when I’m telling you that my jaw dropped when I saw him. And then I turned into a giggly teenager, I just couldn’t stop smiling. He came in with his newborn daughter and his life-partner – at least if the odds are in their favor. I’ll say wife, just to make things easier for my writing. (Somehow, life partner and girlfriend both sound stupid, especially girlfriend in this context.) Surprisingly, he and his wife looked soooo different. They seemed to be completely different types. He got all the Thor-vibes going on, you know, hunky dude, 6’5″ who probably used to work as a model for Abercrombie when he was in High School/ College, loves to go camping and catches and kills fish with his bare hands. She however seemed to be a rather sophisticated type, who can’t be interested in any kind of outdoorsy activity, but prefers to drink red wine (except during pregnancy, of course) and read Sartre. She looked so much older than him, btw. I don’t think that she was older than him. I think she just doesn’t know how to do her makeup and so she got stuck somewhere in the 90s, with some dark shades that do absolutely nothing for her complexion. Anyway, my bitchy mind immediately started to wonder what could have made these two people who seemed to be so completely different (at least on the outside), be attracted to one another.
I wasn’nt able to figure it out, and still can’t. But since Monday, I keep seeing odd couples, where either the girl is waaaay hotter than the guy or vice versa. And that makes me think of the episode on How I Met Your Mother where they explain that you’re either a reacher or a settler. From what I’m seeing in the streets, that totally checks out. I can’t think of a time that I’ve seen an insanely hot couple, it’s either the girl or the guy. But I’m sure they all have great personalities.

 

Tuesday, August 28

Tonight, I’m going to shoot with one of my friends after work and I’m so excited!!! I’ve never had a friend taking pictures of me, it kinda makes me nervous. I guess I don’t want to look stupid when I try different poses (even though – let’s admit it – I only have three). But when there’s the possibility that someone who I’ve seen in a private setting will have so much more ground to judge me on, it just kinda terrifies me. And that’s the reason why I’ve asked this friend in particular, he’s the least judging person I know. On the contrary, he’s probably one of the kindest. And since he has a creative background, I’m sure he’ll be able to give some valuabe input.

I was not mistaken, the photos are BOMB! I just love them! Plus, the shoot was super quick, wee did everything in just one hour. Which means we had plenty of  time to sit down, have a drink and chat. It was a great night. And I found out that we have so much more in common than I’d expected. I guess I’ve found myself a new photographer and I’m very happy about that!

 

Wednesday, August 29

It’s my day off! I had the coolest dream last night, it was some sort of follow-up to my last creepy dream. But this time, the Kardashians weren’t in it. I was in the desert and the setting had some major GoT vibes. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much of that dream, but I remember that I was with other people from my “tribe” and again, it was a war situation. So we were trying to move across the desert without being seen by others. That’s probably why we were all covered from head to toe. I was wearing a hijab and also a wide dress that covered everything. If you’re as obsessed with dreams as I am, I should probably mention that everything I was wearing was white and gold. We where riding along on our camels and then we got to this tavern. We had a break from our ride and were about to sit down and order something to eat and drink, when in that exact moment, we noticed a former member of our group. Her name was Valentina, she wanted to be on her own shortly after she became a part of our group. And now we were seeing her there in that tavern. It was a nice surprise, at least for me, since I hadn’t expected to see her again. (just for the record, I don’t know any Valentina irl.) She had a bunch of jewelry laid out in front ot her, I guess that’s how she made a living – it was amazing actually. Lots of gold and gemstones, everything you could want. Suddenly, while we were looking at the jewelry, new people arrived to the tavern. It was people from the troops we were trying to escape. Of course, they as well came closer to have a look at Valentina’s collection. She took the time to show every item, and that’s when I noticed that most of her fingers on the right hand were missing. She only had her thumb and her index finger, the rest was obviously missing and covered in a bandage. In my dream, having only a certain amount of fingers means that you’re part of an alternative tribe. Valentina must have joined them while she was crossing the desert on her own. In this alternative tribe, getting your fingers chopped off is some sort of passage. Or if you want to become part of the tribe, a form of hazing where you do the sacrifice, but can’t be sure if you’ll be accepted as a new tribe member. In that case, it was the same tribe the soldiers belonged to.
All that time, I was really worried for the soldiers to find out who we were. If they’d known we’re fleeing, they’d probably done whatever horrible crime you can imagine. But in this dream, they were so distracted by Valentina’s jewelry, they didn’t even care. They even forgot that we were there and so they let us go.
Compared to having blood spilled over me, that’s a pretty good outcome. But I did wonder  how it was possible that a relatively small amount of gold and precious stones distracted them so much that they totally forgot what they were looking for in the first place. Unfortunately, I woke up before anything happened. I hope there’ll be another episode coming soon.

 

Thursday, August 28

I spent almost the entire day watching Refinery29 videos and Try Living With Lucie. I’m getting a little obsessed with the latter and I kinda wanna be friends with Lucie. Is it weird that I wanna be friends with people I only “know” from reality tv or youtube?
Sometimes, when I walk in the streets and I see people who are wearing a great outfit or just look really pretty, I always feel the urge to run up to them and yell “Let’s be best friends!” I wonder what their reactions were if I really did that. Maybe I should start making videos where I do exactly that. Then I could also include asking girls about their boobs. As you may know from one of my previous posts, I’m not exactly happy with the shape of my boobs and sometimes, I think about having them reduced/remodeled. And so now, whenever I see girls with nice boobs, I often feel like asking them “Where did you get those?”. And then, I have to remind myself that A) it probably isn’t considered polite to ask strangers about their body parts an B) I can’t purchase nature. Argh.

 

Friday, August 29

I’m soooo happy that I only have a short day at work. It’s insane how freaking loud kids can be. I’m pretty sure the noise today could be compared to the noise on a construction site. It’s unnerving. And I don’t understand parents who can raise such kids, or how they deal with them at home. I would immediately sign them up for a tour in Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory if I was them. Speaking of other people’s kids, sometimes I think of how they could turn out in a couple of years from now. So for example there was one mother who came in with her sons and they were not completely annoying but clearly had troubles listening to their mom. Still, they were acting a little shy, but that probably was because they were in a doctor’s office. And I thought, “Not too long until that little boy that’s probably super cute with his mom right now will send out dick pics and turn into a total douche.”

 

Saturday, September 1st and Sunday, September 2nd

My weekend was rather lazy, so there’s really not much to tell. I went out to look for new locations to shoot at and found a whole bunch. I’m pretty happy about that and really can’t wait. I’m just starting to worry about the weather getting colder and so I’m already slightly panicking about what I’ll do once winter is coming. I hate being cold.

A part from that, I watched some more videos of my new best friend Lucie and then tried to get my room organized. I hate how much stuff I have. There’s a large pile of clothes I want to donate, but right now, it’s just been sitting in a corner for the last two months. Also, the amount of books and magazines I have is ridiculous! I’ll probably do a HUGE clean out sesh pretty soon.

So that was my week. Maybe I should try out something Lucie did on her channel just to change things up a little. I should probably start with sticking to my plan and really write into my agenda every single day, and maybe draw a little something as well. But for now, I’m headed to bed. Good night!

 

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Just blogging

Finding my talent

When I got fired earlier this year, it felt like a relief at first. I wasn’t happy in my job and didn’t feel like I was using my potential. But when I started sending out application letters again, I noticed that I don’t really have any selling points. Sure, I’ve worked for two big companies, one might even say prestigious and sure, I’ve spent time abroad. But in general, I think that my CV is rather mediocre. I’ve had sooo many different jobs that had nothing to do with my studies or where I wanted to go in life. And even though some of them were great experiences, I don’t think that they necessarily make my CV look better. Which btw is a stupid way to put it, because there’s probably always something you can learn. What I mean is, my CV just isn’t as impressive as I’d like it to be.

Besides, I totally underestimated the psychological impact that getting laid off would have on me. That short moment of relief was soon replaced by feeling rather depressed and worthless. The reason behind is that I have absolutely no idea what my strengths and talents are. And so far, I haven’t found anything I truly excel in. That’s why I bought one of the books “For Dummies” that’s supposed to help me with finding and developing my strengths. (Besides, I’ve read that in order to be successful, 10% of your money should go into learning stuff and developing skills. So I thought that book would be a good start.)

Unfortunately though, I started reading the book at a time where I was a little unstable and quite moody and sensitive. That was definitely a mistake. Because the first chapter of the book concentrates on assessing your personality and there are a bunch of tests that you can take. It’s a good concept, but again, I was far from being positive and optimistic that time and took every question in the worst way possible. No surprise that the results led me to believe I’m a garbage person with no social skills or any sort of capabilities.

I stopped reading there. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I’m even a little afraid to pick the book up again just because I don’t wanna go back to feeling awful all the time. But then of course, the book isn’t the reason if I feel shitty about myself. (Which is why counselling is definitely back on the table, btw.) Anyway, I’m still trying to figure out what I wanna do next. I even do have a few ideas, I just need to learn how to make them reality. Maybe I’ll try finding a mentor or something.

In the meanwhile, I’m working on my insta game, so maybe someday I can turn that into something. And it might sound cliché, but I’m still amazed by how much positivity there is on instagram and there are days where a good or funny comment puts me in a better mood.

As for my talents, I think I’m great at faking interest, procrastinating, taking naps, getting distracted and looking at baby animals. I think that should do to get me a stellar career.

 

Update:

Writing this blog post actually helped me focusing on things I am good at, even if it’s just small stuff. For example, I realized that I became really good at giving constructive criticism. (There’s a new trainer at my EMS class and he doesn’t really know what he’s doing yet, which was really annoying tbh. But instead of being a bitch about it I gave a constructive feedback with lots of me-messages and hope that he’ll do better next time – with a different client, not me.)

I’m also polite af (when I want to) and a great conversationalist. At least for a few minutes, before it turns out that the person I’m talking to is a total bore.

I’m also interested in lots of things, I’m getting more and more into non-fiction and podcasts. (My favorite podcast is Criminal, btw.) So even if this one’s kind of a mixed blessing, because I don’t have any specialty, it helps a lot with being a great conversationalist, knowing the history behind the 420 code or at least make creepy comments.

I’m also great at finding the right gif for any situation. My former colleagues would confirm.

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Just blogging

Networking

The time of the year hasn’t arrived quite yet, but I already have my first resolution for next year. And yes, you guessed it from the title, it’s networking.

Now that I’m working on the blog again, and that I want to make it better this time. And so I’m trying to get as much advice as possible. Which brings me to networking.

Constantly mentioned in all sorts of publications, networking probably is THE skill to have and of utmost importance for a career. And sure, it’s common knowledge that good contacts can be of very big help. In some cases, the people you surround yourself with may even make or break your career. However, I’ve not yet found an article that explains exactly how to network. I mean an article that’s actually helpful and also addresses things like feeling super awkward when introducing yourself to people in order to promote your business. Because that’s how I feel.

This week was the first time I met with another blogger. I got her contact info from an interview I read and checked out her insta as well as her blog, of course. I really like her blog and was wondering if she could give me some advice. And so I reached out to her.

And boy did I feel weird. Not only that I generally feel like an impostor when I mention that I have a blog (it’s so tiny), but I couldn’t imagine meeting someone in order to basically talk business, especially when I’m just “greedily” ask for advice without being able to offer something measurable in return. And of course, I really don’t wanna be that person who creepily chats up total strangers. Besides, friends and family members have pointed out that I’m not always showing the best sense of tact. So as you see, there was a lot to overthink and freak out about. However, there was no way I’d blow this opportunity. Besides, you always have to start from somewhere, right?

As it turned out, me freaking out pre-meeting was totally unnecessary. There was no awkwardness at all. It was a great exchange and I also got lots of very helpful information and advice. And so after this first, positive experience, I think that I should work on becoming a pro in networking. Especially because if you want something, you have to ask.

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