10 years of dating: How my dating life has changed

Wow, I’ve been in this dating thing for 10 years now. I didn’t even realize, until I had to come up with a headline for this post. I guess that’s why I’m getting really cynical and fed up with the whole dating thing, sometimes. 10 years is A LOT. Try to measure it in wine and you’ll know how much of a lot it is, If it only was good wine, though…

I got in the dating game quite late. My teenage years were super lame, I didn’t go out much and was way more focused on school than on boys. (Which was easy, since we didn’t have any good looking or even interesting guys.)

The first time I actually “dated” someone was during my very first year in France.And so it was a French dude, of course. Though it was not really dating, but much more sneaking around. Back then, I found it exciting.

But I also think I was the lamest person to date.
I was soooo scared. And very preoccupied with consent – I was actually afraid to touch that other person. To me, it felt like an invasion of his private space, I didn’t dare to touch him.

It took me a long time to get over this sort of fear. To not being afraid of showing my affection. And still today,I’m not taking it lightly, at all.

But of course, so much has changed since my 18-year-old self. First of all, all the articles I’ve read in women’s magazines. I started reading women’s magazines at age 12, but I feel like some things became more clear the older I got. Besides, I’m pretty sure these articles are almost a subsitute to studying psychology. Just to give you an idea of how much I learned from them.

An then of course, there’s actual dating.
I won’t tell you my number, because slutshaming and stuff, but it’s safe to say that I’ve had a few opportunities to get to know dating since my early 20s.

And while my early 20s seemd to be a hot mess – I didn’t exactly stand up for myself, nor did I coomunicate my standards in a way I should have – my late 20s seem to be so much more easygoing. For the first time in life, I’m actively communicating what I want and what I don’t, I’m no longer afraid of being “difficult” or “high maintenance” or “on my period” (fuck that and the douches who would come up with that sort of statement) and I’m saying loud and clear that I enjoy watching cheesy romcoms and that I will never ever in my life watch Star Wars (or any movie taking place in space).

And it’s going really well. To the point that right now, I’m seriously thinking of how much affection is the right amount of affection. Normallly, I whouldn’t even think twice about this sort of things. But I guess my history is playing a role in this one.

Still, I’m not counting scores. I just refuse to do so, because I think0 that on an interpersonal level, counting scores doesn’t do any good to any one. And besides, there’s much more important things than some statistics on a blog.

But back to my topic: I think that our dating life has changed in a way that everything has become more strategisc. Or at least it seems like it.

If you’re into online dating: When was the last time you saw someone just hoping to get drinks, no matter how the other person would be like? Probably never.

Everyone has a goal or an ideal to go after. Normally, that’s a good thing, but on dating apps, I’d say it’s toxic – since peoplle have the tendancy to categorically rule out everything that doesn’t fit into their own belief system. And that kinda makes it quite hard to find people who think like you, even if it’s just remotely. At least, that’s my impression.

Nevertheless, I got to know someone who seems to have the same opinions and so far, we seem to agree on many topics. The only obstacle so far has been our different tastes in music. And sincethe music he likes isn’t horrible, I wouldn’t even call it an obstacle.
Everything seems so easy and I can’t help but wonder: why can’t it always be like that?

I’m also wondering: Why is this the first time that I truly feel like evethings are falling into place?
I guess the keyword here is experience. I’m no longer second guessing my every move. I’ve learned it doesn’t serve you at all. Instead, I’m just being me and only doing what feels comfortable to me. It seems like a no-brainer, but I’m pretty sure it’s not just me but many women who make it their highest priority to please others. Not a healthy approach, and also not useful when it comes to finding someone to date.

In the meanwhile, concentrating on me and what I want and need has become quite easy – and it feels pretty damn good. I just wish I could have been like that when I was a teenager, but I guess you have to go through all the bad dates in order to get there. But I guess everything happens for a reason. I just had to go through some shitty dates in order to figure out what I want and what I definitely cannot tolerate. I probably wouldn’t be at this point if my life had turned out differently. And with that being said: I’m thankful for all the experiences I’ve made so far. For the good ones, but even more for the shitty ones. They’ve made me the person I am today.


Love & courage

Words can’t describe how I feel right now. I’m in a huge black void, there’s nothing but emptiness. And all I want is to take a break from the world and its mundane matters. All I want is to be surrounded by vast nothingness until I’m ok. Like deep diving diving in the ocean. With all my senses numbed and I hear nothing but my breathing. That’s what I want right now.

We didn’t make any promises, we didn’t have any expectations. Yet, nothing stays as light as may be in the beginning. And even without expectations, you still hope for the best, you even trick yourself into believing that best possible outcome will happen. But then things get too complicated. And we’re in an era where convenience trumps complication. Bold statements seem to be a relic from the past. If there’s even a slight chance of getting hurt, many of us don’t seem to be ready for the dare. And before something has even begun, it’s s the end.

Does no one read books any more? How come that everyone’s trying to play things safe? And what’s the point in that, after all? The great loves are the crazy ones. (Thank you, Blair.) What would we even read if Goethe, Austen, Verlaine etc. had decided that love has to be easy and convenient?
Nothing worth having is easy to get. So why are we so eager to blow things off when it comes to love? Is it fear? Is it a lack of courage? Maybe both?

No one wants to be hurt, of course. But does that mean that we have to be cautious with everything? What happened to the All-in-or-out-mentality? Why aren’t people willing to take risks anymore? In the end, you can never know how things will turn out. Even if you’re happy for 10 years, it won’t guarantee happiness for the next 10 years to come.

So all it takes is a leap of faith and some courage to make things work. And yes, you may get hurt in the process. But is it that important when there’s so much more to gain?

And until you decide, I’ll be here in my ocean bubble.


Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

“Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?” That’s one of the many questions you can answer on OKCupid. They actually have lots of interesting, sometimes even quite philosophical questions on there and I guess that’s why I’m still signed up. And in contrast to those who just answer these questions randomly, I really like to think about them. (Otherwise, why even bother?)

I probably should get a real hobby instead of overanalyzing shit that happens on dating sites or even my own life. But what can I do, I find both pretty entertaining – even if things don’t go the way I want them to.

I’ve always been more of the jealous type. I “blame” my astrological sign (Aries) and the fact that I’m an only child for that. I put blame in quotes, because I don’t think that being jealous is completely bad. In fact, when I’m with a guy and I’m not jealous, it usually means that I don’t care about him at all. Like he could be hit by a bus like Regina George and I’d just be like *shrug*. (Not that I wish that on anyone, of course. I just kinda measure my relation to someone by imagining something terrible happening to them and how I’d feel about it.)

Being the jealous type has never brought me anywhere and it’s probably the most unnecessary feelings one can feel. No good decision ever comes from jealousy. Instead, you get smashed cars, stalkers and murderers.

Apparently, jealousy was useful in prehistoric times, when heathen hunk needed to be sure that shawty did indeed carry his baby and not the cool hipster heathen’s offspring next cave/ when shawty needed to be sure she could rely on heathen hunk to provide for the kid. Today, we have DNA tests, but unfortunately, our heathen brain has stayed the same.

Or is it just my heathen brain? Because when I talked to a couple of friends who are in open relationships and who are really easygoing people in general, they told me that they’re not jealous at all. I kinda envy them. Mostly because I don’t really believe in monogamy. Even while being in the most amazing relationship (meaning we were pretty commited and there were no unadressed issues or whatever), I started looking at other people pretty fast and thinking about how being with that other person would feel like. Besides, what do you get out of monogamy and (let’s just throw that in) marriage? Security, maybe. And some advantages in taxes and a Golden Retriever. But: After you’ve spent every fucking second of the last 20 years with just one person, who doesn’t even care about you leaving the bathroom door wide open when you take a dump – because anyway, s/he stopped seeing you as a sexual being 10 years ago – wouldn’t it be nice to have a little excitement (other than a new car)? And if you’re truly in love with someone, wouldn’t you want them to have the most fun possible?

I actually think that open relationships would be the ideal form of living together. So why not live in communes as if it was the 60s. (The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. Because even if your significant other is seeing someone else, you will exactly know what going on. And with everyone’s participating equally, there’s no need to worry.)

But I guess that’d be too easy. After all, pop culture basically just exists thanks to heart break, complicated triangle relationships, treason and cheating. Can you imagine what we’d talk about if there was no more “Becky with the good hair”?