Tag Archives: bodypositivity

Mental Health

A weight gain journey

I’ve talked about my past on the blog, including the complicated relationship I’ve had with my body since an early age (9 years, if I recall it correctly). Today’s post will not be focussed on the past, but on the goals I set for myself for this year.

Tbh, it’s not even a goal I was aware of until recently. But maybe I give you the entire picture.

So by the end of last year, I thought it was a good idea to track my habits – drinking, eating, exercising, you name it. I kept a log of everything. And before I knew it, I also lost some weight, and I was down to 54 kg (119 lbs). I remember how surprised I was about how easy that was, it felt like just a second and BOOM! six ponds less. But I also noticed that it was kinda sad. I mean I was counting my fruit intake. The last time I did that was a few yers ago when I was in completely different, unhealthy phase of my life, where I restricted myself of fruit because it contained too much sugar. But then earlier this year, there I was, counting how much fructose I was consuming per day.

The feeling of success by losing the weight I didn’t need to loose was not bad at all, I actually was kinda proud. But then I remembered how I spent my teens and how boring that was. (I seriously was the most boring teenager you can ever imagine. I didn’t drink, I didn’t date, I just went to school.) I also remembered the appointments at the doctor’s, the blood draws, the charts, the doctor’s threats – if you don’t stick to the weight gain schedule, we’ll admit you to a hospital (and everyone knows that includes intravenous treatment, which is scary AF if you’re fucked up).

So I was happy that I was still able to control my body, but at the same time, I kept asking myself “Why are you doing this?”. And so a few days after reaching the 54kg mark, I was like “Why am I doing this?”
Then I went out to get not just one but three bars of chocolate and I ate all of them. (And did not throw up.) That day, I finally got to the conclusion that life is just not as fun if you’re depriving yourself of the small pleasures all the time, and I made the commitment to myself that I would focus more on working out than on how much I eat.

So far, it’s been a good experience. My belly is a little rounder that usual, but I kinda like it. It makes me feel more sensual and womanly, which is not a bad thing at all! In addition to that, I just got more curves in general. For the first time in my life, I’ve got something like a booty, and I think it’s amazing.
Also, for the first time ever, my face looks normal. See, I have a very small frame when it comes to my bone structure. My face used to look super narrow. So having a little extra texture on my cheeks isn’t bad at all.

I don’t even know how much I weigh atm. I also couldn’t care less. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m having healthy habits when it comes to nutrition and working out. (And even if I’m working out every day – which could be looked at as some sort of pathology as well – I think it’s helping me a lot with where I’m at mentally.)

Right now, I’m enjoying the pattern of working out more in order to eat more. And I think it’s made me more easygoing and attentive to my needs.

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Mental Health

When it comes to my body…

Today, I posted quite the revealing pic of me on insta. 
Though revealing is quite an exaggeration. All you can see are my abs, basically. But I’m not on a beach and I’m not wearing a swimsuit, so I guess the character of the photo is a little different from candid snapshots taken on vacation. Except, I’m not even sure. 

As I said, one could probably say that my photo seems like something very private, just judging by the fact that it was taken at home and not in a public place. But in contrast to that, it’s actually quite innocent. I mean even the lingerie I’m wearing consists of much more fabric than any random bikini. And still, I really hesitated and wasn’t sure whether I should post it or not. Tbh, I still don’t know if it was a good idea. 

But the more I thought about my doubts, the more I thought that I would have to post it. Just because I’m so tired of the double standard regarding male and female bodies. There are tons of accounts on insta that are dedicated to hot, bare-chested dudes. There are no less accounts that show women and their best ass-ets (couldn’t resist). But the difference is in the comments. As I mentioned in my last post, I looooove reading comment sections. And I can’t remember the last time I read any negative comment about some Abercrombie model flexing his abs. However, when I look at the comment section of a post showing a women displaying more or less the same amount of nudity, I can often find at least one that’s at least somewhat deregatory. Even, or maybe especially when it’s just emojis, you know eggplants and stuff.

Obviously, that’s neither the type of comments, nor the kind of audience I want to attract. And if I was queen of the world, I would ban those creeps to some far away planet where their skin would melt the minute they sat foot on it. But since I’m not in that position, I’m constantly second-guessing what I should and shouldn’t post on social media. Even if the content is actually harmless like my abs. 

It’s not the first time that I have these thoughts. A while back, I did a bunch of boudoir photoshoots (they’re the easiest to get if you’re looking for TFP or even paid photoshoots). I was very happy with the pictures. They were very tasteful and I actually loved how I looked in them. And I’m my own worst critic, so this means a lot. However, I never dared showing them to anyone but very few people. After all, these were pictures of me in lingerie, what kind of image would that create?

In an ideal world, people would recognize these pictures as what they are: A capture of someone who feels comfortable in their body. But in our world, we have eggplant emojis. And that’s why I never really showed these photos to anyone. 

But I’m sick of this BS. There are enough moments where I hate the way I look. So if there are days where I’m proud of body, I want and should be able to share that. Especially in 2018. Besides, I want women to finally feel comfortable expressing themselves in any way possible. That may or may not include corporeality. And even if I’m a big fan of aesthetics, I also know that it may not always be pretty – #tweetyourperiod – but it’s controversy and not consensus that helps you evolve. Why else would it be that in history, new forms of art were at first dismissed as dilettantism? 

Btw, I’ve noticed that it’s only the people with a very low self-esteem that who will attack others, verbally or even physically. But I guess that’s a different topic which I will maybe discuss to some extent in an upcoming blogpost.

But to sum up this article, I definitely agree with Emily Ratajkowski. If someone wants to get naked, let them, Don’t be a dick about it, don’t body shame them. And don’t make assumptions about their moral standards. 

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