Tag Archives: Feminism

Culture

Compliments and tricky situations

https://www.demilked.com/double-standards-illustrations/

I’m currently trying to write my Bachelor thesis. Yes, trying to is exactly the wording I’m choosing. But that’s something that can be up for discussion in a later post. The topic of the thesis isa discussion of the sometimes blurry line between compliments and harassment. It should be a no-brainer, but my research and people’s testimonies show that there are quite a few factors that can make a situation rather murky. Just think of the song “Blurred lines” which is involuntarily icky, or take this image here on the right of Susan and her co-worker complimenting her. Especially the latter highlights the same fact that the Creepy Theory explained when comparing Dobler and Dahmer in How I Met Your Mother: “If both people are into each other, then a big romantic gesture works: But if one person isn’t into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy.” It doesn’t even have to be a big romantic gesture, the same effect can be found in simple interactions as well.

We don’t pay much attention to things being appropriate or not when the person facing us seems charming and/ or non-threatening. It made me think of an interaction I had in Paris.

One summer, I was walking around the 1st arrondissement in Paris. Suddenly, I felt someone grab my ass. I turned around and saw a girl grinning at me. I forgot what she said exactly, it was something about her appreciating my butt, and I have to admit, I found the situation funny and even uplifting. Even though a complete stranger had an unsolicited grab at my butt, I didn’t think of sexual harassment at all. On the contrary, I laughed about it and took it as a compliment. Would it have been a guy doing the same thing, I probably would have felt very differently about it. To my shame, I have to admit that I would have maybe thought of it as funny if it had been an attractive dude, but at the same time, I also know that I would have been wary of the situation. I mean, Ted Bundy was considered attractive. You just never know.

But having a girl pay you this kind of compliment is nothing more than that: a compliment. Intrusive yes, but because of gender bias, we might see a woman disregarding physical boundaries as non-threatening and evaluate her behavior as “a jolly good idea”, just like in this clip. So how do we draw the line between compliments and harassment?

According to my former roommate, it depends on the situation you’re in. He told me about a night out where he couldn’t resist the urge to make a positive evaluation of a girl’s tits during a night out in Cologne’s party mile. Of course, no one was sober at this moment, so inhibitions were low if not non-existent. But a lower level of inhibitions could have also meant a higher probability for him getting his balls kicked. But, lucky for my former roommate, the girl didn’t take offense. On the contrary, she took that unsolicited comment about her tits as a compliment and even asked if he wanted to touch them. I guess they were both horny and a little desperate for attention. So it worked out well for them. But take the exact same situation and put it in a different setting and boom, you have a lawsuit.

If I had my ass touched by some random dude, I would have been livid. However, having a girl doing the exact same thing is totally fine with me. I guess it comes down to the quote by Margaret Atwood: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

Unfortunately, during my research, I have read several accounts of women giving horrific testimonies of unwanted interactions where their physical security was threatened by men who just couldn’t take no for an answer. Some interactions didn’t even sound that bad, some even sound completely harmless during the first two lines of banter, but then there’s a very quick escalation. What’s remarkable is that a stupid pickup line can turn into a potential threat in no time if the target doesn’t respond (favorably).

Sadly, most women are familiar with lines like “you could say at least thank you”, or “you’re too ugly for me to fuck anyway” when they don’t reply to a so-called “compliment”. You know the drill. That unpleasant and sometimes frightening scenario only occurs as part of the interaction between men and women, at least to my knowledge.

When we talk about heterosexual women and men, we’re also talking about the male gaze that’s laid on women. Suddenly, women are defined by the (unsolicited) attributes men care to give them. Funnily, depressingly, curiously, it has been shown that even though true compliments highlighting a physical feature leave the subject in a good mood. But then in return, they cause poorer body image and self-worth in the long run. In my opinion, it’s not only because these types of compliments of course ignore any other abilities or talents the complimentee may have, but they also create a frame for comparison, which, repeated often enough, will become a way of how we view ourselves. And suddenly, we start to identify ourselves only through our appearance and how other people evaluate us.

This brings me to the link between fashion and emancipation. In eras where women’s rights weren’t highly considered, the style of that era was extremely feminine and more conservative. Take the 50s as an example Theoretically, emancipation should have gotten to a solid point back then, after two world wars, where women had a fundamental role in maintaining and rebuilding societies. But no, they were pushed back into the role of the housewife. So the only way they could express themselves was through their style. And without having researched this in particular, I daresay that the style in the 50s probably catered more to the male gaze, simply because it was more about classic beauty highlighting very feminine attributes – unlike the 20s for example, where fashion was a little more functional and also used for pushing the limits. Of course, this has since shifted through decades, and styles have shown a great variety. However, fashion has always been a mirror of society. And that’s what I find really intriguing about our current era. We have a weird mix of hyper-femininity (fake lashes, nails, enhanced lips etc.) and casual attire. However, it is remarkable how brands like Oh Polly, Pretty Little Thing, and so on are continuously gaining popularity. Especially because I honestly wouldn’t feel safe on the street wearing their dresses. And that’s even though I live in Germany, where no one even attempts flirting. I’ve never had a problem with catcalling here. Yet, and even though I love the provocative style of the before mentioned brands, I would feel like prey if I showed too much skin. (Too much skin as in a little bit of legs AND some cleavage 🤯) My guess is that we’re currently in some sort of limbo when it comes to emancipation. We have a theoretical outline of what’s acceptable and what’s not, yet victim blaming is still a thing, and don’t you even dare criticize porn. And of course, we adopt the expectations (of outdated beauty standards) that have been laid on us through the media. In each case, the male gaze seems to be the center focus.

Just for the record, this doesn’t do any justice to men either. I know amazing men who are appalled by the hypersexualized stereotypes and double standards. These men are sensitive, empathetic, and they know how to communicate. They’re fantastic lovers, husbands, fathers. And yet, they don’t have a place in an environment where it’s all about virility and destroying someone’s holes. Fortunately, everyone I know wants their significant other (or any person they interact with) to be truly themselves, regardless of the beauty standard or expectations that are prevalent at the moment.

To circle back, the fact that I didn’t see a problem with a woman making an unsolicited comment about my body and actually grabbing my butt was probably because I just didn’t perceive her as a potential threat. Besides, women have been subjected to all kinds of beauty standards throughout the centuries. And the fact that this action was taken by a woman was a complete novelty to me. Besides, and that might be a stereotype speaking, I thought that it was more sincere than a so-called compliment coming from a man could have been, especially because I didn’t suspect an agenda. She didn’t try to get my number or anything. The interaction was limited to her pinching my butt cheeks and me laughing about it. So to me, it was a harmless, playful interaction.

Going back to Atwood’s quote from earlier, Women probably don’t perceive other women as threatening, even if a woman behaves exactly the same way or even worse than a man would, Maybe this is rooted in the fact that compliments are most often made between women. That, and the equal (lack of) upper body strength.

And so, after all, I’m not surprised that I pretty much enjoyed having my ass pinched by another woman. I did think of it as a compliment. Besides, women can be incredibly critical of their bodies. So when another woman makes a comment about my ass, I take it with pride. More so, it can make my day, even if I’m reduced to just one feature.

I am very well aware of the double standard. Why is it fun and complimentary to be groped by a woman, whereas it’s a scary experience to be groped by a man? I guess the reason are the societal expectations we have, and the stigmata that evolve from them. Keeping in mind that an unsolicited comment can always turn into verbal or even physical violence, I can see why we measure with two different scales. Just think about serial killers, who comes to mind? Ted Bundy? He had at least 20 victims. Jeffrey Dahmer? He had 17 victims. The Zodiac Killer? He had at least 5 victims. You just need to pull up a list on Wikipedia and you can see that most serial killers are indeed men. Did you first think of Aileen Wuornos? I doubt it. Besides, she “only” had seven victims. Sure, that’s more than the number of victims that have been confirmed for the Zodiac Killer, but the number of murders committed by the latter may be much higher actually.

Of course, not every unwanted remark or even compliment turns into physical violence. But when it does, women more often than not get the short end of the stick, which unfortunately translates into verbal or even physical violence. The testimonials on this are endless, just go to Stop Street Harassment, Hollaback, or similar pages.

So what to do with all this?

I honestly don’t know. I guess that it’s more important than ever for everyone to listen to their intuition and react accordingly. I guess pretty much everyone is familiar with comments that are meant as compliments but don’t necessarily land as such. Those are obviously just a part of the awkwardness that comes with human interaction. Sometimes, it might be a good idea to confront the person who’s being weird and creepy.like Juliette Binoche did in the storyline she had in Dix Pour Cent/ Call My Agent. She acted like a complete lunatic and scared the creepy guy away by being even creepier. Unfortunately though, women are more or less programmed to reply with a favorable answer to a compliment – even if it’s not a compliment, and even if it makes them feel uncomfortable. It can be hard to address when boundaries are being crossed.

So I guess the best way to respond to unsolicited and unwanted evaluations is to do something unexpected. Throw the other person off. Start barking, pick your nose, get super flirty-aggressive to the point where it scares the shit out of them. At least then you can turn an unpleasant encounter into a fun anecdote.

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BS on social media

Bad advice

With depression, a major point on my agenda is procrastination. I can either spend hours sitting on my phone, looking at memes which I don’t even remember two seconds later, or I watch tons of videos on YouTube. While doing the latter, I recently came across a video with the clickbaity title “10 Things You Should Keep Private | NEVER Share These Things”. And since I’m constantly worrying about how people, especially guys, view me, I of course had to watch it.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe something that would reveal extreme negativity or would make the other person feel insecure. But instead, the list was as follows:

I think the only item I can get on board with is number 9. That indeed is non-negotiable. Although, I’m not sure if I’d keep a secret if friend A told me they were planning to kill friend B. Or if they were cheating. Or anything like that. I would most definitely tell friend B. I guess it’s a question of where your moral compass is pointing in some cases.

  • 1. Intimate details of your relationships, especially with your partner (sex details, shows respect for privacy)
  • 2. Income and financial situation (income/bank account status; create negative intentions)
  • 3. Future goals (sharing your goals without starting can allow others to taint your vision) move in silence until you succeed
  • 4. Arguments and fights (keep any disagreements between the parties involved) Give respect and wish that person well.
  • 5. Family problems (no one is perfect, and we all have flaws, but there’s no need to tell others about these issues)
  • 6. Medical condition (do share medical issues unless it’s family or your doctor.
  • 7. Acts of kindness (don’t help others to get something in return)
  • 8. Therapy sessions (don’t share the details of your therapy session; it should only be said in your sessions)
  • 9. Secrets about others (private conversation you have with others. They trust you with this information, so keep it secretive)
  • 10. Mistakes and regrets (they don’t define us; they’re a part of are past and not the present. You learned from it and moved on. Constantly talking about it can damage your image. Don’t share was went wrong in your past relationships; you have moved on from it.

This list has really left me wondering what people are supposed to talk about with their friends. I mean, what topics does it leave you with, besides the weather? But before I’ll get into each item, I think it’s important to mention that the channel featuring the video should supposedly enhance femininity and self-improvement. The hashtags used in the video description are #privacy, #femininity, #elegance.

I thought that there’d maybe be a disclaimer saying that the video is meant to guide you through conversations with people you newly met, but no. It specifically says to “never share with others”, no matter what your relation to them is.

Maybe I’m expecting too much, but my understanding is that videos are nowadays made for women should empower women, and therefore also be feminist. And just for the record, I don’t see a conflict between being very feminine and elegant and being a feminist. (I actually have no idea why that has ever been called into question by some people.) So now that I have mentioned that, let’s dive in.

Let’s start with
1 – Intimate details of your relationships
I don’t know what other people’s relationships are like with their friends, but my friends and I are pretty open about everything. Picture us talking like in Sex and the City. I’ve openly talked about role play, anal, literally anything about my friends. And of course, my friends are always there if I need some advice when it comes to dating and relationships. And, of course, vice versa. However, we still manage to always keep it classy, and we never share details that are too intimate or would expose someone’s partner in any way. In addition to that, sexual liberation and self-determination are only possible in an environment that allows people to talk about their experiences. What I find problematic about statement number 1 is that it pretty much prohibits that exchange. But how should people learn what’s normal or not? How would they become aware of abusive behavior when, because of a lack of talking, they don’t have any comparison to what other people are experiencing? Not talking only benefits predators and any kind of unwanted behavior. The #MeeToo and #Time’sUp movements proved that. Telling people to shut up doesn’t do any good to anyone. There’s a reason why Salt-N-Pepa made a song encouraging people to talk about sex. Geniuses.

2 – Income and financial situation
Wait what now? I should add that the video was indeed made in 2021. Exactly, after we’ve finally all become aware of the pay gap and the fact that women and minorities have a much harder time getting promotions or equal pay as their white male colleagues. According to the video, talks about money should be avoided because they can “create an uncomfortable work environment”. But guess what’s even more uncomfortable? Having trouble making ends meet because your fucking boss is discriminating against you through your monthly salary.

3 – Future goals
Okay, I can respect that to some point. Personally, I have this fear that I jinx something when I talk about potential possibilities or future endeavors with others. But at the same time, sharing your ambitions with others can have huge benefits. I’ve had multiple occasions where my friends or even just acquaintances helped me get a job. Or had ideas that could help me with my plans. Also, talking about your projects can help you stay motivated. As for having your vision tainted: I don’t think that this will happen when you believe in yourself. I don’t see how someone else’s opinion could have you throw everything overboard just because they might have a different opinion. Besides, getting someone else’s point of view can only be beneficial and add to your perspective. Or they can provide constructive criticism. All that will only be helpful on the way. And with any advice or criticism, you’ll always have the choice to take it or leave it.

4 – Arguments and fights
This is pretty much the same as with relationships. I probably tend to overanalyze every interaction I have with people, but when fighting with someone, I’ve found it really helpful in the past to have my friends tell me what they think of it. Because sometimes, I wonder if I’m overreacting, or if my emotional response is justified. Having someone I trust to point out if I was out of line or simply being gaslighted has really helped me to deal with conflicts and to trust my gut. And btw, you can of course be respectful while talking about a fight you had with someone. These are not mutually exclusive.

5 – Family problems
Again, same as with relationships, so I won’t dive too deep into this. Why is this even on the list? As far as I know, everyone has a somewhat messy family. The only thing besides talking about it with a therapist is talking about it with your friends. More often than not, people will be able to relate. It even seems to me as if most families all have the same issues. So why not ask someone you’re close to how they would handle a certain situation?

6 – Medical condition
Sure, never tell anyone if you’re suffering from any kind of condition or disease. Just keep it to yourself, let it fester and eat you up, and convince yourself you’re a burden to everyone around you. Make sure to keep everything secret from loved ones to really enjoy a much harder time throughout your struggle. It’s not like it’s been proven that having a great support system ups your chances of a successful recovery. Instead, experience the wonderful void when falling into that deep depression that will inevitably come when you feel like you have to face everything on your own. Because how could anyone help if they’re not a doctor? Fuck balloons or Get-well-cards. Or if (God forbid) you have any severe issues, just die surprisingly, because who doesn’t love a shocking turn of events.

7 – Acts of kindness
In elementary school, we had the Christmas tradition of preparing a shoebox with nice and useful gifts for underprivileged children. We put in toys, some non-perishable snacks, crayons, and other little goodies. I always loved doing that, and I hope these boxes made some kids’ Christmas a little more memorable.
I don’t know why I didn’t keep going with this tradition after elementary school, but last year, I picked it back up, making boxes for homeless people. During this time, I of course talked to my friends about it, and I asked if they wanted to contribute as well. Two did, and we ended up having more than just one box. So again, I don’t get why you would want to keep acts of kindness to yourself unless maybe you’re being boastful and the only goal is to point out what a great person you are. But in any other situation, talking about a good deed can inspire others to do the same and eventually make the world a tiny little bit better.

8 – Therapy sessions
I’m starting to wonder if this list is just really nonsensical, or if I just don’t have any boundaries. Which wouldn’t be surprising, given that all I do in this blog is to write about very personal stuff. Anyway, I talk about my therapy sessions all the time. Sometimes, I use the things my therapist says to me when I try to give advice to a friend. And other times, I talk about how I agree or disagree with my therapist. Doing so has actually helped me to figure out that my last therapist wasn’t helping me at all. Ranting about her to my friends every week was definitely useful to realize that she wasn’t the right fit for me, and they supported me when I decided to end sessions with her.

9 – Secrets about others
As I said in the beginning, this is the only one I fully agree with. Moving on.

10 – Mistakes and regrets
Jesus Christ, why is everyone obsessed with seeming infallible to others? What’s so bad about mistakes and regrets that you could never ever talk about them? I definitely don’t agree with sharing what has not worked in the past will damage your image. In my opinion, it’s the contrary. When you can explain why something has turned out to be an unsuccessful experience, what part you had in it and what you’ve learned from it, that’s a sign of strength. Maybe you shouldn’t lead a convo with listing all the things that went wrong in your past, but when someone asks you about a specific situation, why not? It can be helpful to the person who’s asking, and even for you when you see if you’re still triggered by it or not. It also shows that you have character and that can be vulnerable, which is also proof of a strong personality. Talking about failures also makes you relatable and can help you connect with others. For what other reason would people enjoy sharing stories of when they got totally shitfaced at the bar? If you’re in the position of mentoring someone, showing that nobody’s perfect can help your mentee to put too much pressure on themselves and gain trust in their own abilities.

Verdict
While giving my two cents about all the things one should keep quiet about, I was constantly thinking, “Who hurt you?”. Honestly, to me, this list reeks of insecurity and the fear of being betrayed, which is a shame, and I wish the person coming up with this was able to put more trust into others. What I find highly problematic is the underlying, internalized misogyny. Even though what I wrote to each item applies to both sexes, the video is clearly made for women as a targeted audience. This is made very clear in the video and also in its description and hashtags. So if you look at each item again, you will notice that women are basically told (by another woman) to shut up and never talk about their experiences and struggles. I guess anything else is considered unladylike and inelegant? Why does this video discourage women from talking about their sexuality, how much they’re earning, or future goals? What’s not feminine about that, and why should these topics be excluded from a conversation? To me, that sounds a lot like “Keep a woman in her place” and putting them at a disadvantage by discouraging transparency.
Besides, I don’t care if it’s classy or elegant or not, I have the best time talking with my friends about dick and everything considered inappropriate. And I largely prefer having a fun conversation over a politically correct one.

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Dating

Sexy talk

Quite recently, I had a conversation with a friend about what makes good sex. And the thing we agreed on – and which is also common knowledge tbh – was that communication is key. So far, so good. But how do you get there?

I couldn’t count the numbers of articles I’ve read on that subject. I mean I’ve been reading women’s magazines for more than a decade now. And though back then, some of them passed on rather outdated views (which they of course later rectified once people reme,bered feminism), there was one general advice: Just be open about what you want and what you don’t. And in theory, that’s great advice. But what do you do if you just have no clue how to address the subject at all? Or if you only know what you don’t like? I guess no one would be happy about hearing “No, not like that.” “Not like that either.” “Stop, that’s too…” and “Well, I’m sore now.”

Also, not all people are cool and open-minded, and not everyone has had the luxury of having people appreciate when you tell them what you like/dislike or even how you feel – not even if it’s in both of your interest. I was actually surprised how much shame people can feel about what turns them on: they’re afraid of being seen as perverts or gay or simply weirdos. (Somehow I thought only women have this problem of being super self-conscious, sometimes. Which is BS of course.) Also, I have a real question here: Since most of our sexual desires somewhat stem from childhood, aren’t we all weirdos? I mean what makes one thing weird and not another?

Anyway, when we talk about sex, I think that most of us believe that unless if it’s a random hookup, it should feel special and intimate. And as cliché as it sounds, maybe sex should be something you only have with a very special someone. But then again I’m sure everyone likes to think of themselves as special – though that doesn’t mean that they’re special for you. You might just find them meeehhh, and that’s ok, too.

However, it doesn’t matter if it’s just a hookup or something more serious, I always thought that saying what you want in bed can be a little daunting. Especially when it’s more serious. (If you already know that you’re never going to see that person again, who cares?) But tbh, I find it just as daunting even if I already know it’s nothing serious and nothing that’ll last. Have you ever found in the situation where you wonder “Is pulling hair ok?”, “How rough or gentle should I be?”, Is it ok if I don’t engage in oral sex immediately?” without really daring to ask a single one of these questions? Or am I the only neurotic person here?

We only learn about sex in theory. And though everything else would be super weird (hello ancient Greece), the fact that we don’t get any practice before actually practizing it is very annoying. There’s no chance to learn how it’s done but try and error. How frustrating is that? Especially since everything you thought you knew can change completely with a different partner. Besides, all of that kinda means you also have to know what you like yourself.

Some of the articles I read gave the advice to just “show your partner” what gets you going and just masturbate in front of them. In theory, that’s no bad advice. But in reality, how many people find it creepy if you watch them sleep? So what makes watching someone masturbate any better? Besides, I would feel like something private is being turned into a show where I need to perform. And guess what, it would do absolutely nothing for me. Instead, I’d think “Can he please cum from watching me so that I can be done with this?”

Btw, while I’m writing all this, well aware that I sound like the prudest prude who hates sex, I’m actually wondering how it’s possible that my subconscious seems to focus on the guy getting off. I mean with feminism being trending, there’s also a bunch of media which state that society focusses on the desires of hetero men / male ejaculation. And I never thought that I would fall into this pattern, but apparently I do. Or otherwise I wouldn’t have this “let’s get this over with”-mentality.

Though one important point is that I’m really tired of explaining things to people. Until recently, I worked as a tutor. The last thing I wanna do after finishing work is explaining to someone how to do stuff.

So, as a solution to all this, I guess I’ll just do some name dropping and mention Kenneth Play to everyone I’m getting involved with. (As for finding out about the guys preferences, their shyness never really lastet longer than the two minutes of saying “I don’t know, maybe you’ll find that weird/gay/perverse..”) And I will continue to listen to The Prude and the Pornstar and This is Why You’re Single.

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Dating

Why period sex is fucking ok

Today, I I had this long conversation about comedy with a friend. It started by him sendning me a video of some dude making jokes about having sex with women who are on their period. I wasn’t having it.

And it wasn’t about the topic, really, everyone has the right to be grossed out by whatever they want. What I found problematic was the delivery. It’s some pathetic dude claiming to be a man because he hasn’t washed his sheets in 7 months, but a drop of menstrual blood is too much for him to handle. Seriously, why does that even make a comedy routine?

If you think about it, sex in itself is pretty disgusting. All these bodily fluids getting mixed up – and I’m not even thinking of anal here. OMG. It’s just a very wet and sometimes smelly business. From a purely reasonable point of view, people would probably not have sex. Because if you take out the “I’m hormy” part, it’s just not appealing. (Those who continue to watch porn after they cum might know what I’m talking about.)
But we have hormones and shit that keep us interested in icky stuff. And in my experience, that doesn’t change for when a woman is on her period.

I know lots of men who don’t mind at all if it’s that time of the month or not. Now that I think of it, I haven’t dated a single man who had a problem with having sex while me having my period. I took it more or less for granted and sometimes, I even wished they were more like “I’ll give you a massage” instead of like “I don’t mind, we can do it anyway”. And that’s not because I didn’t like their approach, but because there was so much going on inside of me already that I didn’t need the extra action down there.

However, I always saluted their mindset. I mean a good pirate also sails the Red Sea. So I’ll take an overzealous lover over a scared one every day of the week, just because I prefer their mindset. Besides, there are so many benefits that come from it, so why not? Just because you don’t want to ruin the sheets? Lol.

Of course, everyone has the right to be grossed out by certain things. I guess period blood is not for everyone, as is having semen on your face or having anal sex (just to give some examples). But labelling period sex as gross (as that stupid comedian did) is just wrong imo. And I just hope that most people just stay open-minded in general, and won’t put degrading labels on stuff or actions or even people. Everyone should just do what and whoever whenever they want.

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Mental Health

When it comes to my body…

Today, I posted quite the revealing pic of me on insta. 
Though revealing is quite an exaggeration. All you can see are my abs, basically. But I’m not on a beach and I’m not wearing a swimsuit, so I guess the character of the photo is a little different from candid snapshots taken on vacation. Except, I’m not even sure. 

As I said, one could probably say that my photo seems like something very private, just judging by the fact that it was taken at home and not in a public place. But in contrast to that, it’s actually quite innocent. I mean even the lingerie I’m wearing consists of much more fabric than any random bikini. And still, I really hesitated and wasn’t sure whether I should post it or not. Tbh, I still don’t know if it was a good idea. 

But the more I thought about my doubts, the more I thought that I would have to post it. Just because I’m so tired of the double standard regarding male and female bodies. There are tons of accounts on insta that are dedicated to hot, bare-chested dudes. There are no less accounts that show women and their best ass-ets (couldn’t resist). But the difference is in the comments. As I mentioned in my last post, I looooove reading comment sections. And I can’t remember the last time I read any negative comment about some Abercrombie model flexing his abs. However, when I look at the comment section of a post showing a women displaying more or less the same amount of nudity, I can often find at least one that’s at least somewhat deregatory. Even, or maybe especially when it’s just emojis, you know eggplants and stuff.

Obviously, that’s neither the type of comments, nor the kind of audience I want to attract. And if I was queen of the world, I would ban those creeps to some far away planet where their skin would melt the minute they sat foot on it. But since I’m not in that position, I’m constantly second-guessing what I should and shouldn’t post on social media. Even if the content is actually harmless like my abs. 

It’s not the first time that I have these thoughts. A while back, I did a bunch of boudoir photoshoots (they’re the easiest to get if you’re looking for TFP or even paid photoshoots). I was very happy with the pictures. They were very tasteful and I actually loved how I looked in them. And I’m my own worst critic, so this means a lot. However, I never dared showing them to anyone but very few people. After all, these were pictures of me in lingerie, what kind of image would that create?

In an ideal world, people would recognize these pictures as what they are: A capture of someone who feels comfortable in their body. But in our world, we have eggplant emojis. And that’s why I never really showed these photos to anyone. 

But I’m sick of this BS. There are enough moments where I hate the way I look. So if there are days where I’m proud of body, I want and should be able to share that. Especially in 2018. Besides, I want women to finally feel comfortable expressing themselves in any way possible. That may or may not include corporeality. And even if I’m a big fan of aesthetics, I also know that it may not always be pretty – #tweetyourperiod – but it’s controversy and not consensus that helps you evolve. Why else would it be that in history, new forms of art were at first dismissed as dilettantism? 

Btw, I’ve noticed that it’s only the people with a very low self-esteem that who will attack others, verbally or even physically. But I guess that’s a different topic which I will maybe discuss to some extent in an upcoming blogpost.

But to sum up this article, I definitely agree with Emily Ratajkowski. If someone wants to get naked, let them, Don’t be a dick about it, don’t body shame them. And don’t make assumptions about their moral standards. 

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Just blogging, Society

Get yourself a life

You probably noticed by now that I like spending time on social media, especially instagram. I also like stalking people I find interesting online – see where they live, try to find out what the odds are that we become best friends. And that’s why I always read people’s bios. Sometimes, I also stalk people who left really dumb comments on someone’s picture, just to know who the person behind the stupid statement is. I guess this little fact about myself shows that I should get myself a life, but this blogpost is not about me. It’s about how other people see and describe themselves.

A few days ago, I came across two profiles that were really cool. Very cohesive feeds, great style, just everything I find nice to look at and maybe even inspiring. So of course, I thought about following them, but before, I had a look at their bios. The first one said “Wifey”, which is not uncommon on instagram, as is “bride to be”. The second bio read “pursuing him…”, something I’ve also read a couple of times already. Yikes!

I didn’t follow either of them. Instead, I was wondering why (at least some) women constantly define themselves through men or the relationships they have. Similar mentions to the bios I described above are bios such as “proud mommy” or “dog mom”, where it’s all about motherhood, whether that’s to a dog or a kid.

So when you’re creating an account on a platform where you can let all your narcissism out, why would you make it about someone else? I get it, you’re very proud to have a boyfriend and you constantly need to remind people that you’re oh so happy in your relationship or marriage because you can’t even believe it yourself. You love your dog to the point that you can ignore the fact that the little perv spends most of the day licking its balls and wants your supervision when pooping. You’re probably about to edit a pic that shows your dog’s nasty tongue in your face in this exact moment. And yes, of course you love your kids. You love them so much that you don’t give a shit about their privacy,  because after all, your pushed them out of your vag and that’s such a freaking miracle. Like one that has never happened before. So why would you keep these things private?
And of course I can also understand that you want all that, the happy happy, picture perfect family, but somehow, it just hasn’t happened for you yet and so you want to make sure you spread the word that you’re single. Sure, you’ve heard many times that you come across as aggressive or even creepy, but they just don’t understand what it means to be a true romantic. I know, it’s hard to accept when your crush doesn’t like you back and that giving, ahem, … subtle… hints on social media will magically have him infatuated, I mean how couldn’t he be, your photos are so pretty! After all, it’s what the fortune teller told you. AND HOW COULD PEOPLE DARE CALL YOU DESPERATE WHEN YOU’RE CLEARLY NOT!!!

I know, I know, you’re a strong independent woman and you need no man or whatever. But darling, please act like it. It’s ok to put yourself first from time to time, even if that means posting pictures of your Skinny Latte instead of your dog. If you like latte pictures, go for it. People are tired of seeing your dog, anyway. Take time to do stuff that only benefits you instead of pleasing others. In short: Go get yourself a life! One that passes the Bechdel Test.

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Just blogging, Society

Fuck feminism

Who else loves to start drunk debates about principles and personal views on stuff like politics and society? Well, I kinda do. Or at least I seem to have a talent for getting myself into heated discussions quite often. Last night’s debate was about feminism.

(Omg, I just googled “drunk debates and guess what, there are A TON of groups and websites that pop up. And this epic quote from the Westside Comedy Theater “Nothing proves your point like throwing up in your mouth.”)

It all started because I was saying that I need my sleep and then added that sleep deprivation affects women differently than men. Besides, women also need more sleep than men. Nothing of that is new, the web is full of articles about it and there are several studies as well. Nevertheless, as soon as I’d made that statement, two girls immediately started accusing me of being sexist. Their point was that women are not different to men. Yeah, sure.

I have no idea how some people came to the conclusion that gender equality means denying biological differences. In my opinion, there are three categories that need to be considered when discussing feminism: biology, seduction and politics/society. To give some examples, with biology I mean that different organisms have different ways of functioning. That’s why stroke symptoms in women are not the same as in men. That’s why women have to pee more often (and unfortunately take more time to use a restroom). Ignoring these things or saying that they’re made up is not feminist at all. On the contrary, it hurts women. Like literally, they could die. (But even the waiting lines at public restrooms are a pain I wish I didn’t have to deal with.)

As for my second category, seduction, I just don’t get why some women get offended when a man opens a door for them. Seriously, get your head out of your ass, it’s a nice gesture. I think the same is true when men invite women for dinner. Or when women dress up and want to look extra beautiful for someone they like. Nothing of that has to do with forgetting about equal rights and stuff, it’s just a game called seduction. (If anyone’s confused right now, catcalling has nothing to do with seduction.)

And then the third category, politics and society. Well, I guess it’s pretty obvious that this is the most important category. Just throwing some keywords in, like abortion rights, pay gap, yadda, yadda, yadda, you get it.

And just to be clear, I definitely am a feminist. And yes, the headline to this post is very clickbaitey. But I just hate this pseudo-feminism that’s based on hearsay and superficial knowledge. (I once had a conversation with my roommates – all female. They seriously thought that changing a light bulb or using a drilling machine would sum up what feminism is about. What the hell???)

Also, I don’t know how often I’ve already referred to my favorite podcast, but listening to Stuff Mom Never Told You is just mind-blowing, highly informative and will probably teach anyone a thing or two. I just wish everyone would love it as much as I do. But of course, you’re already well-informed, you smart reader ya!

 

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Just blogging

“But what about kids?”

As mentioned in an earlier post, I’m working on my networking skills and in order to do so, I went out to some sort of meetup where expats and inpats are given the opportunity to socialize. Even though the event itself wasn’t spectacular and it turned out that I had been over-optimistic hoping to meet fancy folks at an unfancy bar that serves unfancy drinks. The turnout had been much smaller than expected, out of the 40 people who announced their attendance, only a fourth actually showed and I didn’t really click with anyone there. However, I still wanted to make at least some conversation and so I decided to stay and to introduce myself to the people who had just arrived a little belatedly. We had the obvious type of conversation, like “What are you doing for a living?”, “What brought you here?”, etc. and so I talked a little about my experiences abroad and that I’m counting of traveling a LOT once I’m done with my studies. I have to add that most of the attendees were in their late 30s or 40s, therefore the general mindset was a little different from what I’d expected and very different from the people I normally hang out with. And weirdly, none of them had lived abroad (even though the event was designed for expats, first and foremost). And now that you have an idea of the vibe there, here’s a part of the conversation I had that night with a lady who I will call Nosy Josy (NJ) in the following.

Me: blablablablabla…. want to travel … blabla … maybe live in Portugal or in Greece for a year.

NJ (in a shrill, unauthentic voice): How very exciting! And where do you want to live after that?

Me: Don’t know, yet. There are still too many places I haven’t seen, so I really can’t tell.

NJ (now sounding very, very confused): But don’t you want to settle down some day?

Me: I really don’t see myself living in one country for more than five to ten years.

NJ (who’s conception of the world now to crumble): But, WHAT ABOUT KIIIIIDS?

Me: What about them?

NJ (face in a grotesque grimace showing severe confusion): Don’t you want to have kids?

Me: Nope. (And really thinking, “Thank you for your concern, lady I’ve just met five seconds ago, but this is really none of your business.”)

NJ (still grimacing, everything she ever believed in is now shattered): But – WHY?

Me: I just don’t want them. (And really thinking, “And I shouldn’t have to explain my life choices to a nosy stranger.”)

NJ (suddenly, the grimace is gone, there’s an annoying know-it-all expression instead. Her tone shifts from shrill to nauseatingly sweet): Well, you’re still young. I’m sure you will change your mind.

Me: I highly doubt it. (And I also wonder when she expects me to change my mind, when my ovaries start to shrivel?)

With this, I ended the conversation and ignored her for the rest of the night. I could have lectured her on how being a woman does not mean that I absolutely have to make use of my uterus and that the decision to have a child is nothing less selfish than the decision against it. More, having kids may be an immoral decision and there’s tons of great articles on the topic of anti-natalism. I find the one written by David Benatar quite eye-opening, even though I don’t fully agree with everything.

However, if I hadn’t had this kind of discussion for a bazillion times already, I would have probably pointed out to NJ that we’re in 2017 and that she should probably start getting informed about gender issues and be more sensible in her approach and maybe change her mindset. I would have told her that I’m very happy all by myself and that I don’t need to grow a little parasite inside me to feel fulfillment. Besides, in what kind of world would this child live in? One where most natural resources are superseded by some yummy chemicals? One where you can’t leave the house (or the moon) without applying some SPF5000 first?

Also, if I ever change my mind, I’d make sure to have a shitload of money, first because I would like my child to become a spoiled brat who doesn’t have to worry about how to pay for an education. But as for now, I couldn’t even pay for a Tori Burch or a pet, otherwhise I’d probably be the proud mama of three sphynx cats.

I don’t think that people who want kids shouldn’t have them. I also don’t think that people who don’t want kids should have them. But I do think that it’s a very personal decision that should be well-considered. After that no one needs others to comment on it.

That night, I really didn’t feel like continuing my discussion with Nosy Josy. I didn’t think that it would lead to anything but frustration – which would only be on my side, because in my experience, those who ask “But why?” are the ones that are immune to any kind of argument that doesn’t fit their narrow-minded beliefs. I’ve even had the exact same conversation about kids with one of my mom’s friends who’s in her 50s. She herself lives alone, has no kids and claims that she never wanted them. Some of my mom’s other friends, also in their 50s, don’t have kids, but did want them. They just didn’t find the right guy to make them, didn’t want to be single moms and also wanted to make them in the traditional way. And I get the same shitty talk from ALL of them. Trying to make them see my point of view and accepting it (they don’t even have to share it) is just tiring and energy-draining. It’s like trying to make a point in a comment on Facebook. Therefore, I’m saving my energy and think about how much I will enjoy a lifetime of self-pampering instead of buying Pampers.

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