Weekly Diary

Weekly diary #6

Vampires and gossip

It’s been a moment since my last blogpost and although there’s definitely no a lack of inspiration, I didn’t have the courage to write. Somehow, I’ve been in a funk lately. Therefore, I decided to forego writing about the topics I first had in my mind and do a weekly diary instead – which I haven’t done in a while. So yay to another post dedicated to hiding under blankets, trying to make sense of how I feel! 😀

Seriously, the free trial month of 2019 is almost over and I feel more like Bridget Jones than this better version of myself I imagined becoming. Though on paper, I actually have nothing to complain about. I got a new job at a company I’m really excited about (I will start on Friday), I did work out more than I usually do and I even started budgeting, which makes me feel really adult and almost as if I knew how life works. Especially since now I have a budget for wine. I also made new friends and now that it’s been three months that I live in Cologne, I’m starting to get to know Cologne a little better (though there’s still a ton of things and places to explore). And yet, I feel like something is missing. It feels like if I wasn’t really invested in my life, like it wasn’t even mine. And it probably sounds super weird, but right now, I feel more like a ghost wandering around among all these warm, human beings filled with purpose, love and passion, and I’m just this cold shell that somehow got trapped in between, watching time go by and others change while I stay exactly the same.

Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why I’m obsessed with vampires and Halloween. Halloween is the day of the year where truly feel like myself, as a living dead person. Isn’t that weird?
That obsession goes back to when I was around 7 years old. Halloween wasn’t a thing in Germany yet, especially not in the east, but I always dressed up as a vampire on Mardi Gras. And funnily, if I remember it correctly, that was also the time where the first signs of what would later become an eating disorder started to manifest themselves.
Wow, 10 minutes into writing and I’ve already covered more than I ever did in therapy. I guess this is a position I can cut from my budget then.

Besides my 3-week-funk (3 really is a magic number in my posts), the job offer and exercising, I’ve been learning Portuguese, making a list of ideas for a podcast, taking pictures, same old, same old. I’m also trying to shift my focus from speaking English all the time to speaking French. And that’s why I’m rewatching all my favorite series again, but this time in French. If you’re ever in need of an excuse to binge watch, you’re welcome. Just say you watch it in VO or with subtitles. I’m still practicing my English by watching The Bachelor and reading every effing post written about it. In that context, I just discovered Betches, probably the awesomest site ever created. And while browsing through all the categories, I also noticed they have a podcast! No, even several podcasts!! My favorite episode so far is the one on Betch Slapped where they talk to @entylawyer, who’s spilling tea about celebrities. It’s definitely the best thing I’ve heard this month. (Though listening to stories about all the celebrity feuds also made me feel like a peasant, just because I don’t have any hidden agenda when I interact with people. But this episode is giving me life! Which is a good thing for my vegetarian vampire self.)

And that already sums up my week, ahem, month. I’ll try being more interesting next time.

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BS on instagram

BS on instagram #1

Catching feelings vs. falling in love

Today, I want to start with a new mini-series on the blog, dedicated to all the BS there is on instagram. My topic today is a stale caption you’ve very probably read on one post or another: “Catch flights, not feelings.”

Urgh! That’s goes right into the category of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. There’s so much wrong with this statement, I don’t even know where and how to start.

First of all, I hate the expression “catch feelings”. Has anyone even said that, like…ever? Yes, there’s an entry about that expression in the Urban Dictionary, but to me, it sounds like something very stupid to say. Why not simply say “start to have feelings” or does that already sound like too much of a commitment? “Catch feelings” makes me think of the flu. Or any other illness or disease for that matter. And normally, when for example you catch a cold or a flu or whatever, you’re not really involved in the process, not intentionally. No one would ever say “It was your fault that you caught a cold”. (Of course, on one hand that’s because people are being nice and no one dares to point out that the only form of fruit you consume is fermented and that you care more about fashion than about the weather. On the other hand, if some child carrying one of those nasty children’s diseases is coughing right into your face, there’s only so much you can do to avoid getting sick.) In contrast to that, developing feelings for someone makes you an active part. It describes that you’ve been seeing this person a few times. And since it takes two to go on a date, it makes you 50% responsible for the outcome. To me, “start to/develop/have feelings for someone” sounds way more mature. It also sounds like you actually have a say of what’s going on and are not just a – well… victim – of a disease.

That brings me to the second point. Caring about others should not be compared to a disease, and also not give room to that sort of interpretation. Even though, according to Schopenhauer (and I agree) being in love may turn you into an insane person, at least temporarily, caring about others is the best quality human beings have. I’d even say it’s the only thing that makes us decent. If you take away love and empathy from this world, what’s left? I highly doubt it’d be anything worth having. Therefore feeling things and mostly feeling love is not a bad thing. It’s very much the contrary.

The third thing I hate about the phrase “Catch flights, not feelings” is the notion of running away. Only cowards run away. And yes, sure, today so many people have their jet-set life and are all around the globe all the time. Looking for easy hookups and just some fun seems to be all the rage right now. No big commitments equals no big risks. And I get it, it’s a protecting mechanism to not get hurt. But that protecting mechanism will also keep you from finding something deep and meaningful. And if you constantly reject intimacy by fear of getting hurt, you’ll probably end up and die alone, having your face eaten by your 36 cats, until the neighbors complain about a weird smell and then have your disfigured corpse revealed, instead of just gracefully lying in a coffin. Is it that what you want from life? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
So why would people run away from love? Because it’s too scary? Because a relationship is too high-maintenance? Because you have no idea what will happen next? All the possible explanations just seem so lame to me. And again, they’re the words that would rather describe a coward than a mature and respectable human being. Besides, do you know the saying that nothing worth having is easy to get? Well yes, life is pain. But sometimes, it’s worth it.
Besides, if you’re alone, your big jet-set life won’t give you anything if you don’t have someone to share it with. (Your current followers don’t count, since they won’t give a shit about your posts once your ass is flat and wrinkled.) Happiness is better when shared, otherwise it’s nothing but a fleeing moment.

So instead of running away from the possibility of love, why don’t we dive deep into it? And yes, it may be hurtful on the way, but what’s there to gain and what would life have to offer if you’re already dead inside? Also, all kinds of experiences make us grow, the good and even more the bad. And who would say no to some personal growth?

Instead of “Catch flights, not feelings.” I’d rather say “Let’s fall in love and travel the world together.” It sounds super corny I know. But that’s only because – and I’m sure of that – it’s what a majority of people would want.

Now, “falling in love” is very different from “catching feelings”, even though it may not seem like it at first glance. Both give the idea of a sudden feeling that comes over you, giving you no power at all. However, my personal connotation with “falling in love” is much more positive. It make me think of Alice in Wonderland and of Alice falling down the rabbit hole just find herself in a place full of wonders and outstanding experiences. Some of them are scary and daunting, yes, but all very exciting. Besides, she is following that rabbit, she plays an active role and lives up to it. It’s not like something just overcomes her and that’s it. She’s also taking part in what’s happening.

As for travelling the world together, I think that’s a no brainer.

And now here comes a very corny ending for this post: I hope that 2019 is the year where you do have feelings for someone. Someone you trust, who doesn’t make you feel restless but grounded, someone you would want to take anywhere with you.

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Dating

Love & courage

Words can’t describe how I feel right now. I’m in a huge black void, there’s nothing but emptiness. And all I want is to take a break from the world and its mundane matters. All I want is to be surrounded by vast nothingness until I’m ok. Like deep diving diving in the ocean. With all my senses numbed and I hear nothing but my breathing. That’s what I want right now.

We didn’t make any promises, we didn’t have any expectations. Yet, nothing stays as light as may be in the beginning. And even without expectations, you still hope for the best, you even trick yourself into believing that best possible outcome will happen. But then things get too complicated. And we’re in an era where convenience trumps complication. Bold statements seem to be a relic from the past. If there’s even a slight chance of getting hurt, many of us don’t seem to be ready for the dare. And before something has even begun, it’s s the end.

Does no one read books any more? How come that everyone’s trying to play things safe? And what’s the point in that, after all? The great loves are the crazy ones. (Thank you, Blair.) What would we even read if Goethe, Austen, Verlaine etc. had decided that love has to be easy and convenient?
Nothing worth having is easy to get. So why are we so eager to blow things off when it comes to love? Is it fear? Is it a lack of courage? Maybe both?

No one wants to be hurt, of course. But does that mean that we have to be cautious with everything? What happened to the All-in-or-out-mentality? Why aren’t people willing to take risks anymore? In the end, you can never know how things will turn out. Even if you’re happy for 10 years, it won’t guarantee happiness for the next 10 years to come.

So all it takes is a leap of faith and some courage to make things work. And yes, you may get hurt in the process. But is it that important when there’s so much more to gain?

And until you decide, I’ll be here in my ocean bubble.

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Just blogging, Lifestyle

Goals for 2019

I’m usually not a fan of new year’s resolutions, I don’t like the idea of unnecessarily putting on oneself, especially since the time between Christmas and NYE already can be stressful enough. So far, I’ve always had my goals for a new year to come some time during fall. This year, I decided to do a shopping (for clothes and accessories) detox for three months, and even though I had to push the date from when I begin, I’m not less committed to it. Until today, my other resolutions were pretty basic, the stuff you hear all the time: exercise more (which I keep telling myself throughout the year – but I went on a run yesterday and even today) and eat healthy (not so easy, because it’s still hard for me to find a balance). But these two were mostly it. At least up to this day.

As you may know, I just recently moved to Cologne. It was such a hassle to find a place at first, then I suddenly had two appartments (I was a catsitter in the second), which meant that I constantly had to go back and forth the places I lived. In addition to that, I’m currently working two jobs, neither of them in Cologne, and so on an average day, I spend at least 3 hours in public transportation. At the moment, the catsitting part has been sorted out. And by the end of January, one of my temporary work contracts will also come to an end. Things will become easier eventually.

Now that you know the story, my first resolution for the new year probably won’t come as a surprise. Spending an insane amount of time on trains has made me realize that getting a driver’s license isn’t that much of an option as I once thought. I used to think that having a car is a luxury I don’t need. But that was when I lived in Paris. Now, it’s very different, it even makes more sense to have a car than having to go by train all the time. Sure, it’s not great for the environment, but having to spend 3 hrs vs 40 min just to get to and from work, it’s a no brainer. And that’s coming from me, who hates driving, gets easily distracted and immediately feels the need of taking a nap as soon as the car starts moving. But passing my driver’s license would definitely be an achievement. And I would only drive automatic or hopefully one of these robot cars that do everything for you.

My second resolution also has to do with my current living situation. Right now, I’m sharing an appartment with 3 other people. (3 seems to be the magic number in this post.) We get along well, at least so far (I think one month is hardly enough to assess that). But of course, it can also be challenging, especially because we only have a tiny kitchen and also just one typically German bathroom, meaning that the toilet is not separated. So you better don’t come home totally shit-faced – there’s always a risk of someone taking a long, relaxing bubble bath while you, destroyed from what was supposed to be just one drink after work, are frantically trying to find a bucket or anything to contain all the drinks you ingurgitated, and which are just about to make a second appearance. (Of course, wine country France has the toilet/bathroom situation figured out.)
I’ve also learned that living in a shared appartment with just one bathroom is not the moment for latent food intolerances to become apparant.

But it’s not just a question of practicality and comfort. Having to live with other people means adapting to their mentalities. I just found out that my roommates and I seem to have a different understanding of cleaning, which is funny, because I always thought to be the complicated one. It’s not new to me that cleanliness in a shared household becomes at least a tiny issue, sooner or later. What’s new is that I’m the one being told to clean better. And though I’ve never been an obsessive cleaner, I do like to keep my place nice and tidy. But my theory is that the 7 years I’ve spent in France as well as the years I worked in food service (which can be really gross) have changed my attitude towards cleaning and what is acceptable or not. In France, life is oriented to the outside. You go meet your friends in a café, go have a picnic, go out, most social activity happens outside of your home. In Germany, people tend to spend much more time at home. They invite people over, but they would never do so without having cleaned the entire appartment first. I remember that my parents would announce on a Wednesday that my grnad-parents would come over on the weekend. Just so that I had my room tidy and presentable. And my mom would go nuts vacuuming and dusting.
I’m much more relaxed than that. I don’t care if there’s still a dust particle in some corner. I don’t mind when people don’t take off their shoes when they enter my room. (I only would if I had a carpet.) And I definitely don’t want to spend hours cleaning. So I do small chunks throughout the week, whenever it’s necessary. On the contrary my roommates prefer to sacrifice an entire day to clean, no matter if things got disgusting two days before cleaning day. And so my second goal for 2019 is: Get a place on my own!

The third resolution is an old one. I still want to finish my studies, even though I find it really hard to make it a priority. It’s just more appealing to have job where I get paid. Of course I know that a degree can be useful for getting better positions with higher paychecks, but I have to provide for myself right now, too. And so far, working and studying at the same time hasn’t worked that well for me, and it’s not just an issue with time managment. I hope that’ll change this year.

Last but not least, I’d like to start a podcast with a friend. I have no idea what that’ll be like, but I’m sure it’ll be fun, even if no one will listen.

And that concludes my list. What are your resolutions? Also, happy new year!

fireworks

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