Weekly Diary

Weekly Diary #7

It’s been a while that I haven’t written one of those weekly diaries. But today I decided that it’s a category I’m going to revive.

I just had a short video chat with a somewhat friend. Somewhat because our friendship almost only exists via calls. We met on Tinder and have actually met only once. We also hooked up that night, but we both date other people. So I don’t really know how to exactly classify this relation other than as a somewhat friend.

He has been struggling with depression and substance abuse the last couple of months, at least since I know him, actually. And he’s an artist. So exactly the kind of person I attract, the struggling and depressed artist. I’ve tried to attract and be attracted to “normal” people in the past, but that has never worked. I find them boring. And I have to admit that I sometimes even like the drama that comes with rather unstable personalities. Besides, my Jupiter is in Cancer and my moon is in Taurus. So I often take the role of the caregiver. Unfortunately, to the extent that I only care about others, but not myself. In fact, I read an article about what your sleeping position tells about you. In relation- or situationships, I’m usually the big spoon. Which reflects me being protective and caring. And of course my Aries sun makes me super protective of others.

I guess psychologically, I do that so that I can concentrate on others instead of dealing with my own problems. I mean, especially right now, my life is a mess. So I’m basically a mom who takes care of everyone but then needs her Chardonnay at 4 PM to cope.

I should add that he’s a Scorpio. I unfortunately can’t find the meme anymore that portrayed Aries-Scorpio relationships perfectly, but it basically just stated that this combo can be toxic and yet, Aries are attracted to it. And in this particular case, I really feel that.

But I’m realizing that I didn’t even tell you yet how the conversation went. I texted him around noon, asking him how he’s feeling. I also wanted to make sure that he slept, since the last time we spoke, he told me that he’d only slept 2 hours. He then called, already with a bottle of hard liquor in hand, and asked me right away to give him a tarot reading, which I did. (It reflected his current situation, so nothing new. But it also showed that things might improve in the future and that he’ll have a meaningful relationship, so I hope that will happen for him.) Anyway, after I was done with the reading, he asked me if I thought that he is a calculating asshole because he only called to get a favor. To which I replied that I’m used to that kind of behavior by now.

He immediately started protesting, even though he was the one referring to himself as calculating in the first place. He claimed that he’d always had my back, and he supported me no matter what. I just thought, “We’ve only met once”. I also realized that he was obviously drunk, even though I wasn’t able to tell earlier.

However, me saying that I’m used to calculating people suddenly made me really sad. It reminded me of all the times I was really invested in a relationship or friendship and had to come to the hard conclusion that my efforts weren’t reciprocated. I even feel like it’s impossible to have two people be on the same page and equally invested. I would love to have someone showing me they care as much about me as I care about them.

After we ended the video chat, I did a small tarot reading for me as well. My cards are in the featured image of this post. Turns out, the universe wants me to concentrate more on myself and be more aware of my desires – something that I need to do that to be successful in the future. However, I’ll probably still have trust issues later on. But at least I’ll hopefully have the success going for me.

To put the advice from the cards into practice, I’m now going to work out and enjoy the sun. Happy Sunday!

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Dating

The Front Porch Test

If you’ve watched How I Met Your Mother, you probably know Lily’s Front Porch Test. If you don’t, go watch it right now, because you’re missing a huge part of pop culture and also a great deal of life advice. Honestly, even after rewatching every episode at least 4 times, I can’t argue that pretty much everything in the show is somewhat applicable to my life. Well, except maybe the goat and getting injured by my friends.

Anyway, there’s this one episode that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, it’s The Front Porch Test. If you haven’t seen the show (watch it!): The Front Porch Test is basically an estimation of how well your date will integrate themselves into your group of friends and how well they will interact with them. The ideal is that the entire group grows old together and spends fun afternoons together playing a fictive card game on someone’s front porch.

Also, two of my closest friends are getting married this year, and so thinking of who would be fun and suitable enough to bring to the wedding has become my very own Front Porch Test. No one wants to look at photos and say, “Oh, there’s the […] people I love most in the world. And Bob.” So now I try to imagine who would be a great wedding date (even if I won’t bring a date – I’m writing this for the bride to be and who’s probably been like “Wtf, you’re not getting a + one!” this past minute. I love you. :*)

So as you guessed, similar to the show, my friends and I are super tight. And for some outsiders, we may come across as this weird community with funny rules that don’t match conventional ways. Sometimes, we joke about creating a cult which promotes an alternative lifestyle, similar to some in the 70s. In short, we’re a weird but very loving and loyal little bunch and especially during this last year, I’ve realized that my friends truly are my second family, as cliché as that sounds.

However, I also know that our group dynamic might not be for everyone and that some people would probably feel a little overwhelmed. And so with that in mind, whenever I was on a date, I started trying to imagine what would happen if I threw my date into this group.

Most of the time, things have ended way before the question of meeting the other person’s friends has even come up. But for the other times, it’s been interesting to watch. Though, I’d say that except for one, most of them managed rather meeehhh – which wasn’t a good sign, of course.

Sometimes, I imagine having people meet my friends who probably won’t be that comfortable with their openness and absence of polite filters. And just for the sake of my own entertainment, I actually invite them to everything. But then I think of how well they would actually fit in the group, and let’s say that I’d rather be surprised if it was a good match.

Now that could be a very conclusive assessment about my personality and my romantic choices. But this text isn’t about me, at least not primarily, so fuck that – I’m perfect.

Yet, I haven’t really met anyone who was comfortable enough with my friends. And since they’re the greatest part of my life, I would never want to date anyone who doesn’t fit in our cute little special group.

Because in the end, if there’s no one to count on, you can always count on your friends.

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